we wrote a song today!

It's called:

"Oh Crappy Day - As Opposed to Oh Happy Day (i.e. a song for when you want to laugh/scream/cry, but still a love song for Jesus & God)"

V1:
When no one understands me
I know that you do
When no one wants to here this (*@#$%!!*)
I know that you do

REF:
And I know that I don't know much
But I know that you'd give me the world
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me

V2:
When no one wants to see me
I know that you do
When I have nothing worthwhile to say
I know that you do

REF:
And I know when I'm feeling too tired
I know you'd take my baggage and give me somewhere to hide
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me...

And today you let me see
It's all for you
Everything I do
This #!%!^ I go through
- Today was... for you.

In the office talking to Joe. "Every day is a learning curve," he says to me. My personal favourite: "God is the lightbulb that follows you around." Gotta love Joe - one of a kind.

i love...

the smell of freshly washed clothes when they come out of a dryer...

currently craving:

Fried Chicken. Was thinking about it at about 6:57am as we drove down Alison Rd on our way to the motor way. Don't know why it popped into my head, but mate it's been on my mind for a while.

Thought I'd come down here for some free time... Slept my way through dinner tonight, and woke up to watch Harvie Crumpet on DVD (strange but somewhat enlightening short film with the guy from the Dilmah Tea ads doing the v/over of a statue... *ahem*) and Desperate Housewives... I've watched more prime-time TV in the past week than I have this whole year (yeah a whole 11 hours of it) - which just goes to show I haven't been in much touch with the world.

And so now... I smell like popcorn (not the best thing to be reaking of just before bed) and I'm wondering if it's worth keeping in-the-know with what's been happening in the world because it's pretty depressing.

I thought I'd announce to the world that right now, at this precise moment of 10:17pm, EST, I'm quite over it. I did a talk yesterday with the SPY kids, and it was awesome being there again, serving them, and seeing them praying, seeing them spend time with God and build up their faith that things to turn out well, that there is a reason behind things that go wrong...

And here I am late on a Monday night after a spiritually draining day... and man... I wish someone would give me that talk. I want someone to sit me down and tell me that it's alright to have your life falling apart, it's alright to be feeling hurt and to miss life the way it used to happen, and it's ok to be terrified, confused, tired, abandoned and torn apart... because that's everything I'm feeling at the moment... but I'm not quite sure that anyone understands why...

My sister's MSN nick is "pretty red nails" and I'm just trying to figure out the last time I even did my nails, did something completely girly, or really had time out, without feeling like it was work... or thinking about when I had to get back to work.. and then I wonder if I'll ever have that feeling again because now that I'm outta school, I don't think it's available... and my only escape is thinking, daydreaming and discussing a future with a someone that doesn't quite exist yet. Hahaha... what a sad, sad bubble I'm in right now. Man I need something sharp.

breathe

It's a rare feeling to feel on a Friday night - relief. Relaxed. At peace. Usually on a Friday night, I'm feeling phased. Like my hair should be turning grey, or my face should be covered in acne (who am I kidding, my face is covered in acne. Big pimple on my chin... yuck!)

Actually, to be honest, lately I've been going to bed stressed and tired most nights. It's not common to be feeling... uh... wound down? Usually I'm uptight. Worried. Now.. I'm just over it.

Perhaps its because I prayed to God this morning. An honest, angry prayer. Basically I said, "Look, you know I'm always going to say yes to you. You know that no matter what you ask me to do, where you tell me to go, I'll go. So please don't drag me through the mud today. Or please don't make today hard for me. I'm tired. I just want a good day. A day when I don't have to go to bed wanting to cry, and wanting the next day to come already, because the day that just went by sucked. No... I want today to be a good day. And since today is Your day, please make it a good one."

I honestly didn't think God would listen to such a stuck-up, spoilt brat of a prayer. Here I am whinging about my own hates and unhappiness, when bombs are being blown up in the Middle East, where kids are dying from starvation in Africa, and the teenagers of America are being ripped off and exploited by a power-tripping media.

Now that I think about it, life ain't that bad.

But I'm not going to pretend it's fine and dandy for me. It's not. I'm tired. Tired of leading, tired of being wonderful, tired of being accountable, tired of being "the missing link" in so many people's lives. Sometimes I just want to be... uh... how do I put it? Small? I feel insignificant, but usually because my work transcends my own abilities. Sometimes I just want to be insignificant. Not in charge. Not in the lead. Not the source of answers.

Somewhere, in the distance, a very, very distant voice whispers soothingly, "It's ok Joy, you're not in charge. You're not in the lead. You're not the source of answers. I am. So just rest. It's ok."

But the voice is faint, and most of the time, all I can hear are people asking me questions, people asking me to do more things, lead more events etc. etc.

Today, though, did turn out to be a great day. I thought I should record it, before I forget that good days do happen. I guess because I finally took the time to breathe, and remember that I'm not alone. And there are other, more enjoyable ways of serving people (that don't include being up the front, or running activities)... tonight's service involved pumpkin soup, chees croutes, tacos, and a choc-coffee-walnut cake served with choc-chip ice-cream and toffee. I've never cooked up a storm before, but tonight was my debut. And it was a great. Great to see people smiling as they ate, great to hear their laughter in the dining room as I rushed around the kitchen.

And as I wiped down the stove tonight, and stepped back to look at a somewhat-clean kitchen, I was happy. And grateful... because even when it's hard, and even when the work hurts... God reminds me: it's ok. I love you... your family loves you. Just breathe.

Everybody hurts, everybody aches
Everybody fails, everybody breaks
Just breathe
Let it out and breathe

Everybody cuts, everybody bleeds
Every hidden scar is justified -
so breathe,
Let it out and breathe...
Just breathe

Dear Fallout Boy,

I was wondering... is it ok if we swap powers for a while? I quite admire your abilities when it comes to being supportive, patient, and incredibly funny... and I'm sick of being "Wonderful" all the time. Sick of leading, sick of being responsible... and to be honest, I think it's time to throw the cape in. Or perhaps I should pursue a less ambitious career path. I'll admit - saving souls is a ridiculously hard job. People always manage to stuff themselves up again.

So how about it? Mind if I resign for a while? Crawl under a rock maybe... and you can take over? I'm sick of being hero. Right now, I just need to be rescued.

Kind regards,

"Wonder Woman"

the mi goreng life

Beautiful Sunday afternoon... just went for a stroll down Clovelly Rd thinking of what to have for lunch, and opted for home-cooked-MSG-packed Asian 2-minute noodles. I figure it's the last day of my holidays, so I can be as damned lazy as I want to be. Besides, I have to be in Randwick in less than two hours.. which doesn't give me much time to sit in my bed and vege with a DVD.

So... what has the last two weeks involved? Not much, I can guarentee you that! And that's exactly the type of break I wanted to have.

** Driving around the suburbs, with nothing major on the agenda.

** Celebrating Nez's 22nd birthday (haha - OLD!) and chilling with old mates again.

** Lunch at Circular Quay wharf with Jonna, Vincent and Nereus. Gelato at Coogee and a long, deep and meaningful walk up the hill.

**Spent a night cruising around Coogee and Circular Quay, appreciating the view of Sydney, eating cheap food and drinking beautiful Italian hot chocolate with Jason.

** Came back to the CYS house for a weekend for the YFC Campus camp - that was totally worth it. The guys at that camp have totally redefined the game "TABOO" forever... serving with Carlos again was cool, making that video with Gi, and meeting all those new participants? ALRIGHT! Good times..

** DVDs on the couch back at home, under a big, warm blanket.

** Scabbing chocolate cookies off Eddoes.

** Girly, philosophical pizza dinner @ Rocky's with Ivy. She always reminds me to be faithful, makes me smile, and is one of the most heavenly and beautiful young women I know!
** Meeting John Howard at McDonald's. That was random... but mate, it was hilarious. Spent a day with Gemma, Lisa and Bec again - YAY! I missed that... just being lazy girls (what we do best).

** Being, hugged, looked after and taken care of when sick... :)

** Babysitting Caitlyn.. aww that cute pudgy baby - I love her!

** Sydney's Act1v8 Launch!! Last night's crowd of over 600 people @ St Mary's was... WOW! Totally AMAZING. The band rocked over, the singers gave me tingles, the DVD premiere for the WYD promo got me teary... all in all, an awesome night to kick start the term.

Aha... and there it is... life on term officially commences... umm.. tomorrow at 11am - I think. Hehe.. and what a great term it'll be.

I can't believe it's already half-way through the year. I can finally say I've settled into our house and am somewhat possessive over it (I feel annoyed when I notice it's not being taken care of). But right now... I won't step into missionary territory year because I still have just about 20 hours of holiday time left... and I plan to milk every single minute of it.

meet... the product of my study

Uh... yeah... so this is what comes out of my brain when I spend a whole day attempting to study:

Meet Hat Man! His super power is that he can turn into hats. That's about as far as got in terms of creativity... hehe... God bless you world.

the sound of a flame

Have you ever listened to the sound of fire? I find it somewhat fascinating... it's so soft, and yet the sound it makes is powerful. From the tiny flicker of a candle, to the trembling gusts of wind that come as a naked flame roars through the bush; fire is intense, potent, mighty... leaving a severe effect on everything it comes into contact with.

There's nothing as intriguing as a naked flame. I could sit and watch a camp fire for hours, regardless of how stupid the songs sound, or the chatter that floats over it. A single candle makes its presence known in even the darkest room. The rustling tongues of heat that warm a room can turn the chilliest night into the cosiest moment.

I'm not sure why this is the image that has come to mind. I just know that right now, it's freezing in the CYS office, and I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally... but not spiritually. No... the Spirit is definitely alive in me. Even if it's a tiny flicker, I can feel its flame. I can sense its power... and somewhere, from a source beyond my control, I feel it empowering me.

It's the end of Term 2. Chapter 2 has but 5 days of ministry left. I feel the energy slowly inching out of my body, as it cries out for much needed sleep. How was it, that at the beginning of May, I survived so easily on 5 hours of sleep, and now I struggle to get through the day even if I've had 10? The team is past the half-way marker of our year-long race.

And what a race it has been! Bec flew up to Alice Springs today, and I miss her already. I've watched as this random team of six strangers has transformed into a complex, unified and extravagant jigsaw puzzle. Each person has their weakness and missing bits, but also has the ability to complement and fill in the space left by the other - altogether creating a buzzing, lively and inspiring picture. One complete, unified body... of Christ. :)

If you're reading this, then we need your prayers. Today marks Day #2 of the Randwick Parish mission. It's an interesting business: introducing people to Christ... but fulfilling, despite the setbacks. The only thing that will help us (besides your physical presence at the TESTIFY Youth Rally this Friday night!) is your prayers... your intercession... and your faith.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really fit for this. If this is really where God wants me to be, if doing what I'm doing is worth it... all the doubts creep in, all the insecurities, the tiredness, the temptation to throw in the towel and walk off the field....

But then I remember the sound the flame.

If you don't understand what I mean, light a match. Such a tiny light can make a very significant sound. The rush of heat, power, light and strength all captured in one tiny flame at the end of one small, insignificant piece of wood. Let the flame linger on a candle, and listen to it burn.

Sometimes I feel like that candle.

Something powerful is eating away at me.

I feel parts of me are disappearing, melting, dripping away.

My time. My skills. My energy. My thoughts. My will. My strength.

Something stronger than me, something brighter than me, something far more significant than me is burning away at my selfishness, my bitterness, my brokenness, my confusion, my anxiety, my ignorance, my shame... and as it does so... a light emanates.

The light is not my own.

It was placed there by someone greater, someone stronger, someone purer than me.

But it's using me to shine a little. To provide a bit of light. Perhaps even some warmth.

How can something so small, so weak, fragile and yielding as a candle hold something so powerful like a flame? The same fire that can burn, destroy, light up, heat, transform, and give life, can rest in a broken, misshapen, sloppy and feeble candle.

I ask the same question when I wonder how God can use me... and He gently reminds me, as he whispers through that flame, that it is possible. That something as powerful, transcendent, enormous, intriguing, awesome and magnificent as God himself, can live, work and use something as weak, broken, confused, young and unworthy as me.

Why? Because he wants to. Why? Because he wants someone to carry his light. Because he wants someone to host his warmth. Because he wants someone to be a vessel...

So when you're feeling burnt out; when your flame begins to flicker in the wind... remember: As the flame burns you, you are giving light to others. You are the vessel of a strong, omnipotent and unstoppable force. That power is using you to light up that same darkness that you fear is trapping you. Don't rely on your own strength, but look instead, to the light that He's put in YOU.

Use that light in the dark world to lead others to the right path.

life in ministry

The team's started up a CYS blog - one specifically for this year's team. I'm not entirely sure how honest I should be when it comes to writing down thoughts... but I figure Jesus said, "I am the way, the TRUTH and the life," so there's nothing too bad about being honest - especially when it leads to how gracious he's been for all of us who live under this roof.

So tonight's thoughts are posted at the CYS blog. Keep us in your prayers... and esp the students. It's a tough job. And I'm buggered!!

And the Blues are losing... the team sounds pretty distraught right now. God help them! =p

windy Sunday nights...

We're all in the living room watching the football. I wish we did this more often... but I'm not that into football (blame Joe for this). Atm, Chris and Lyndon are somewhere in the crowd at Telstra stadium watching the world cup re-match, Sarah just received her 6th day birthday present... and man I'm absolutely knackered. What a weekend.

And the back door at our place keeps farting. The wind blows and it sounds atrocious. (is that how you spell atrocious?) ... Anyhoo.. this is cool. Watching TV with the CYS family. Gotta love it mate...

there goes my hero

Tomorrow I'll be out west doing a reflection day with some Yr 10 boys. The team has asked me to do a testimony about the men in my life that I honour... and I'm sitting here trying to multi-task (i.e. create a music video clip and write my testimony at the same time), and it's too late at night to be thinking deep... but I figure I should prepare something because there are too many boys around the world who have ridiculous notions about what is honourable.

Mind you, I don't really know too much about honour. Last night the team was in the living room and we were sharing about the things that annoy us about the opposite sex. I said "pride." I won't delve into details, but man... guys and their pride: won't ask for directions / always have an insecurity when girls are better than them at particular things... like driving, playing a musical instruments, and doing well in exams / won't admit it when they want to cry / find it even harder to admit when they're feeling any emotion other than PRIDE. Hahaha.. GRRR

Whoops... this blog was supposed to be about my heroes. Major sidetrack!

Hmm... ok... the guys I honour...

Random thoughts here:

The first would have to be my Daddy. What a legend. You know... if I went back in time and told my 14-year-old self that I would be calling my father a hero, the 14-year-old me would look at me with aghast disbelief and call me a liar. But seven years later, this brat of a 21-year-old looks up at her Dad with major admiration. His life is a testament to the quote "Prayer doesn't change God's mind - it changes your heart." I've noticed my Dad grow in faith... praying more fervently, spending more time with his Father... and though I now surpass him in height, his growth over the past couple of years astounds me.

I love the way he always compliments my Mum. He has spent so long learning the language of each woman in our household... learning how to cook, how to pause and have a conversation with us, how to step back before raising his voice and humbly speak his mind without being hurtful. And I see him hurt and I see him struggle... But in all honesty, with all past experiences considered, he's truly one of the strongest men I know. Despite the physical and emotional setbacks, he's the warrior for our family. I wish I could tell him all this to his face... but man.. I love my Dad. He got up on Tuesday morning just to make me bacon and eggs. What a sweetheart! (I figure any guy who wants to win me over needs to have a word with my Dad first... he'll give good tips.)

Then of course, two of the bestest friends a girl could ask for: Edwin and Nereus.

I met Nez in 1998 at a school disco. Can't remember what happened, but I know from memory that he doesn't dance, never has and probably never will... oh wait... he did once in Prague... and he wasn't even under the influence of alcohol! Good on ya mate... I'm so proud of you. No, no wait... I do have valid reasons for my admiration and appreciation of this friend. Wow... it's been 8 years. Though shy, timid and extremely quiet at times (only God knows how we remained friends for so long), Nereus is one of the few boys in our high school generation who I can have a real conversation with. He knows me inside and out - from heartbreaks, to bad habits, to fears, insecurities... and man... we've had so many conversations til 3am about the things we want to achieve... dreams, inspirations, the things we pray for, the things we hate, the places we want to see one day. Although I sincerely think he'd be one of the best priests ever, I do hope that one day, I'll be able to send my kids over to his place and his kids can play with mine. Or we'll take them on those world-famous KFC family holidays. Hahaha... (ewww...) But what makes this guy a hero?

Ok... The biggest contribution he's made in my life would have to be FAITH. Not just faith in God, but faith in me. From the moment we met, I don't think he's ever doubted my ability to achieve. I tell him my aspirations, and he prays for them. I ring him up crying, and the first thing he'll want to do is put us in the presence of God - even though we're miles apart. He knows when I'm nervous, and knows when I'm lying... He knows how to build me up and encourage me to the best woman I can be. He used to try teaching me guitar... drive me to uni... drive me to morning Mass at St Pat's... We used to study together at the local library. Well... we'd try... but end up going to Foodcourt and buying ice cream or something. He would move heaven and earth to be where I needed him to be - whether it was a youth night, a camp, a school retreat, an escape from the rest of the world, a DVD night at Suarez's joint, a trip to Boston Markets (back when Boston Markets existed). This is the brother I never had. The one who'd give me honest advice about the other men in my life - even when it hurt him to say it, and hurt me to hear it. Not many men would be courageous and strong enough to pick up the pieces of their broken heart and trust it in the hands of the person who broke it... yet he does. I don't know if that's safe to publish - but I do honour him for always cherishing the treasure of our friendship. God only know why he still does... but I am so grateful.

A year after I met Nez at our yr 8 disco, I encountered him again at my first YFC camp. This is where I met Edwin. Hmm... ok... Eddoes. The boy up the road. Met him some time during that camp in Gross Vale (remember that place with flying fox? All the oldies know it...) - one of the first things he said was, "Hey aren't you Roanne's sister?" - they were in the same homeroom in high school. How embarrassing... he saw me dancing and thought I was a psycho. But then again, who didn't? Eventually he became my mission partner. I used to think he was a geek. Wait... I still do. Nah... Ok... a cool geek. (If that's possible - Sarah reckons that's an oxymoron). As we grew in service, we grew as friends. I honestly believe that if God hadn't made us mission partners or put us in the same household, we would hardly speak to each other, despite living only 1km apart.


What to say about this man of God? That's just it - he's a man of God. Another major contributor to my faith. Long before we were mission partners, I had an admiration for him... And long before he became one of my best friends, I had a deep respect for him. I guess the thing is... who doesn't? He's just one of those guys... you'd look at them and think, "Yeah, he's one of the few people who's got the right idea about life." He was simple, organised, smart, respectful to his parents, and although amazingly shy; ridiculously loaded with talent. He's got a servant's heart. Loves his family more than anything, would give his best in everything he does - in his studies, in his guitaring, in his honesty, in his work... he's a perfectionist. He's a man of integrity, and that's why I love him. Life is simple for Eddoes: faith is simple, God is simple, love is simple, disasters are simple... basically his life is a testimony to that fact there is nothing that God can't control - so why worry? He is one of my greatest heroes (and doesn't even realise it) - simply because he has a servant's heart. Humble, generous, responsible and selfless. When there's something he can't do, he admits it - and that's truly honorable.

What I appreciate the most is his faith in me. He brings me back to Earth, but also encourages me to reach for the stars. He is one of the few people in my life who can calm me down and bring me back to reality. We're so different, it's silly. I'm an idealist... while he's so damn practical. But combine the two, and you've got dreams coming true. He's one of the few people who actually get me to do difficult things without pushing: like when we used to go jogging, swimming, all the talks/music and stuff he gets involved in: his presence automatically reminds me to trust in God. And he's the best travel buddy of all time - where haven't we been? Philippines, all over Europe... road tripping through New Zealand... and even random suburbs across Sydney. He takes the time to learn my strangeness, my habits, my needs and my fears... He's there to pray with me, or pray over me (even over the phone!!), and he'll stay up late to keep me company as I work on another video clip, even if it means losing sleep before a big day at work. He's the type of guy who humbly steps back and lets me do my thing, but is ready to catch me when I'm crashing and ready to burn out... and his support prevents me from doing so. He learns from his mistakes, and reminds me to do the same... and is the eternal optimist (despite appearing so damn lazy). Oh and did I mention... he's CLEAN! What a rarity! Gotta love this guy man...

I guess the beauty of having two such supportive men as my best mates, is that I've never come across a hurdle that one them hasn't helped me overcome. They pray for me, talk over ideas with me, advise me, support me, protect me and look after me... and make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

These three men (plus a few of the blessed, and precious and heroic men I've met and befriended like:
* Five of the maddest people to live/work with: Joe, Box, Vincent, Chris, and Lyndon.
* Four of the funniest, bravest and honest boys that God has placed in my path: Sav, Ian, Suarez and Ryan.
* Three of the wisest and Christ-like priests I've met, who know my secrets, and spiritual battles inside and out: Fr Warren, Fr Rob and Fr Michael)
capture what it is to be a hero, and testify it to me each time I encounter them. They have their weaknesses and acknowledge them humbly, and remind me that though they are all ordinary men, they were rescued and guided by one extraordinary hero: Jesus Christ.

And what a hero He is!! JC - the ultimate rescuer and Saviour. Humble, gentle, generous, powerful. His mission was entirely selfless and I love Him. When I see Christ in the men in my life, I find more reason to honour, love and support them. I pray they will always turn to him as the ultimate role model... after all - His triumph and victory was the benchmark that beat the greatest enemy. Hands-down, Satan was defeated. Every compliment I've paid to the heroes in this entry is a tribute to their role-model: Jesus Christ.

***

So.... to my heroes: if you read this, know that I love, appreciate and totally admire each of you (even the ones I failed to mention, you better know you're on hero-status!!) The man that you are now has shaped me to be the woman I am today... and your words of affirmation, inspiration and direction have led me closer to my one true love: God!! So God bless you, and may you grow... and may the women in YOUR life continue to honour and pray for you in the way you truly deserve...

In honest gratitude... your Joy.

and if i never knew You...

I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you.

[John Smith]

ho·ly (hō'lē): (adj)

1. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred.
2. Living according to a highly moral religious or spiritual system.
3. Specified or set apart for a religious purpose.
4. Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct.
5. Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence.

con·se·crate (kŏn'sĭ-krāt'): (tr.v)

1. To dedicate solemnly to a service or goal.
2. Dedicated to a sacred purpose; sanctified.

****

For a while it felt like I was sick of being accountable to people - sick of being known, sick of giving what I feel I no longer have... sick of having the Wonder in Wonder Woman...

I figure I bring the exhaustion on myself - so really, there's no one to be angry at except me. Yesterday, Edwin and I were sitting in my backyard and I had nothing left to say. I was stressed, upset, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling useless all at once. We just sat in silence, because I was sick of giving instructions, sick of giving orders, sick of having to know what to do all the time... and for once, I just wanted to not have to do all of those things, and I wanted someone to take the reigns and lead for a while. So we sat there and he tried to figure out what to do to cheer me up... thankfully it didn't take long for him to realise that when I'm in a hopeless mood, a simple hug will suffice.

This afternoon we had hot chocolate and sat on the couch watching The Simpsons - the perfect cure for a rainy day. I am thoroughly grateful for our conversations about our human-ness: the fact that big warm jumpers are the best, the fact that someone's past will never define them, the fact that girls in make-up don't always look prettier than girls without make-up, and the fact that even though there are some people who may have the ability to do everything and anything, they still need to be taken care of, babied, loved and looked after.

And as he said goodbye again, I couldn't help but wonder how it is that such a patient and understanding person could wonder into my life without my deserving it. Sometimes it blows my mind; the way God outdoes my prayers. I figure the people who don't pray fervently are the people who have completely overlooked its power. Seriously though - so many of us turn to friends/family to help us through things, to help us achieve things and blah blah blah... but who better to ask, than the one who can do ALL things?

Right now I'm in bed, trying to wrap my head around the major decisions that I've been asked to pray about over the next couple of weeks. If you read this, please say a quick prayer for me - that I will be able to discern what I need to do so I can fully give everything to God, because that's what He keeps on doing for me, so it's the least I can do for Him.

I watched Pocahontas today. Not the most historically accurate Disney movie, I know, but it sure got me thinking. She sings:

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water 's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend
I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
just around the riverbend
For me...Coming for me

I don't know what God has in store. Sometimes I feel like he's asking me to do the impossible... sometimes I get frustrated because I know following Him involves leaving things, people, dreams and other such wordly things behind. But then I think... this is God. Nothing beats Him, what He gives and what He can do. And every time I've said yes to letting something go, he brings me to a new level and replaces my emptiness with a sense of overwhelmed joy... or peace... usually both.

Then I remember the beauty of being holy... of being consecrated. Set aside for a particular purpose. And not just any purpose... but God's purpose. His service. His goal. His annointing. When you're answerable to so many people, trying to lead, guide, serve and support them, it's easy to forget that God is the real BOSS. The only one I'm truly answerable to. So this current battle in my head and heart will be nothing compared to what adventures, victories and triumphs lie ahead. Just around the river bend...

***

Oh Father... how I want to trust you, instead of letting all my fears overwhelm me. Help me to build a child-like faith. Faith that trusts in you, strength that relies on you, courage to say yes to you, and love that gives everything for you...Amen.

saturday morning blues...

Breakfast: Extremely late, considering it's not meant to be day off. The sky is grey, so it's ridiculously dark in our house... and I didn't crawl out of bed until about... hmm.. 9:30am? That's after my eyes peeled open at 7am, and I told Sarah I'd be at Morning Prayer in "just a second.." but fell into a deep dream about riding in a car... and all of a sudden it was 2.5 hours later.

But Sarah (who will be an awesome mother one day - Josh and I have decided) lovingly cooked up a feast of French Toast, scrambled eggs and hot chocolate. And it's taking me a while to get this whole hot chocolate thing down (even though it's freezing), so I thought I'd blog.

I've been meaning to all week. But I either haven't found the time, or have surrendered all my energy.

And mate... what a week it's been. I'm blue today because Josh (our team-exchange brother from the Canberra-Goulburn team) is leaving today, and it's been one mega fantastic week with him around. I think it's important to see regular life through the eyes of someone who's experiencing it for the first time... so Josh - while he is 19 years old - did make this week's personal revelations far more exciting. Plus, he's just funny. Full of jokes, games, pointlessness... all the great things that boys are good for. And he's a true brother at heart... so kudos to Josh - I'll miss you man.

Feels like a mega long time ago since I was up in the common room having a DNM with Bernie about the possibility of doing a second year of team, while everyone was outside playing basketball in the rain.

Speaking of rain... my washing has gotten wet every time I've attempted to do it this week. I wake up to this brilliant sunrise, but suddenly the sky gets overcast, and the rain drops start to fall. I was outside hanging out toe socks yesterday, and I felt the first few drops, and I said,
"God... seriously... why'd you have to make it rain for?"
So he replied with,
"Joy, over a billion people pray to me every day... so I can't really say yes to everyone. So today, I couldn't say yes to you. Is that ok?"

Man I'm such a brat. Complaining about the little-ist of things. I was talking to Beth as we drove home last night, and we had a nice little conversation about choosing to be happy. Yes, me dear friends - happiness is a choice. Who would've thought?

I've decided to make it a habbit to come up with a Golden List at the end of everyday. A Golden List are 10 things that I am grateful for that happened in the last 24 hours. It's an awesome habbit, because even when you're going to bed in the foulest mood (which I don't recommend, by the way... wait... is that even a word?), you'll still manage to find 5-10 things that made you happy that day. If you do this every night, you'll start waking up in the morning, looking out for things that you can put on that list. It's a brilliant habit, I tell you, CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY.

Having said that, why is the title of my blog "Saturday Morning Blues??" I don't know. There's nothing particularly blue about today at all. Well... except for the fact that Josh is leaving. But otherwise, life is great... life is good... and despite all the tears... shit can still become something beautiful (compost bins are a testimony to that).

a glass of milk

Lying in bed again... tonight I am absolutely exhausted. Neck is sore, feet are tired, legs are bruised and jaw is throbbing. Funnily enough, I feel all these things, and I didn't even get into a punch up (what are rort!!). Hehehe... I can hear someone is listening to music... it might be Bec (her room is next to mine).

What a packed weekend! Carnivale Christi was on, and CYS was heavily involved (i.e. Vincent planned the Youth Fest, and our heroic team executed the plans). Gotta love the CYS team man... the things they do - it's amazing. For those who don't know, Carnivale Christi is a weekend long event that the Sydney Archdiocese holds to celebrate faith through art, dialogue and... well... a festival. Today was the festival of faith... and WOW - I was impressed! The piazza outside the cathedral was full of stalls of people who were soooo proud of their faith. We had a whole heap of different cultures selling food, religious orders giving our prayer cards, mission teams telling their stories and encouraging people to spread the faith in Africa, India and Cambodia. Both young and old people performed - jazz bands, rock bands, cultural dances, vocal ensembles... the works. As I sat there amidst the kerfuffle, I decided that the Festival of Faith is something that every Catholic has to experience at least once in their life.

Last night was also a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I will forever remember collapsing in the middle of the massive school hall, as the rest of the team heroically packed the final bits of pieces of equipment into our van. Tristan sat next to me and we both confessed how much speaking at the front can take out of us. The YouthFest for 2006 was finally over (mind you, it was about midnight), and the speakers, lights, sound system, laptops, projectors, screens, cables, sacred space materials, candles, cables, leads and left-over food was all stored up in our beast of a vehicle, ready to be driven home. Everyone was exhausted. I have a new-found respect for Tristan and Joe... their technical abilities, and their ability to trouble-shoot every single technical bug we experienced last night (and we really did experience EVERY technical bug... far out - from microphones crackling, the projector not projecting, songs skipping or looping, videos playing out of sync... gargh gargh and gargh again!)

By the time I got home, all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed under my covers and have a good cry. Not because life was stuffed, but because I distressed and exhausted, and needed a hug from my Savior. I left everyone in the kitchen to consume the sausages and eggs I'd fried up (by that time it was about 1am), and went upstairs to have a deep think about the fact I hadn't had a single proper meal for the whole week, and was trying to function with less than 5 hours of sleep every night. I think it all caught up on me today, so instead of watching the final soccer match of the Archbishop's Cup, I fell asleep in the back seat and didn't wake up until the sun had already set.

***

This weekend I realised that God will use or do anything to make sure we all know that HE is in control, and we shouldn't try to be. Sometimes it's really hard to keep remembering that He has a bigger plan than our own. When things don't turn out the way we want them to, the last thing we think of doing is stepping back to take a panoramic view of life... but when we do it's a comfort to know that we are but a single thread in a massive tapestry that is both complicated, but magnificent and truly awesome.

I also realised that there are a handful of people, who, when I see (regardless of how often, or how rarely), always make me feel really happy and grateful for their existence. Deacon Liem is one, Vicky (from WYD Bus 2) is another, and of course Darryl (my little brother), Caitlyn (my niece) and Ivy. These are people who probably don't really know each other, but seem to make my heart feel that little bit more complete every time I see them. Probably because they're just... well... special. Don't know how else to explain it - but they all remind me of different blessings of both the past and the present.

Then tonight, at Tristan's youth mass, I realised that there are some games that will always be challenging, and (regardless of your age) can always be fun. Concentration is one of them. The game where you have to count to 20 in a group of people is another. Sometimes childishness is the only solution when you're exhausted.

Aha... and of course... there's always those things that make life seem ok, even when it's totally everywhere and not ok. Like books you read as a kid (atm I'm re-reading The Adventures of Snugglepot and Cuddlepie by May Gibbs), that phone call from the person that makes you giddy, and a glass of milk before bed.

hey Mr Architect, this one's for you! hahaha

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Supergirl		92%
Superman		70%
Spider-Man		70%
Batman		70%
Hulk		70%
Wonder Woman		67%
The Flash		65%
Green Lantern		65%
Catwoman		65%
Robin		64%
Iron Man		60%

Hahaha... yeah you better recognise! Hehe... jz kidding.
PS. Thanks Aron.

brain fart

Brain fart: (n) A moment when your brain ceases to function, and all useful thoughts related to the current subject fail to surface. [Bec Forrest]

Today, according to Bec, was a total brain fart day. I can't speak for her, because I wasn't around her today (they were doing a retreat for All Saints)... but it's been a brain fart week on my part.

Right now I'm in my bed at the CYS house... lying under my sheets, ready to go to bed (20 minutes til curfew.. whoops) - haven't lay in bed with a laptop for months... I haven't slept in this bed for weeks (I'm only sleeping in here because sleeping with a swollen mouth is highly uncomfortable, leaving me somewhat restless).

I feel like I've moved in again for the first time. I guess coz I brought a whole heap of winter clothes with me (our house to like a tomb in Winter), and also because I plan to stick around the area more often on our days off (I never fully appreciate living right next to the beach - I always have a yearning to go back West and visit friends... or have friends visit me! Buhahaha)

It's good being back with the team though. Driving around in our massive van, listening to "Summer of '69" and all the other typical road trip songs that Boks downloaded. Joe is sporting a spunky new haircut since I saw him about two weeks ago... and they're down at the RSL watching tonight's fight. Sarah, Beth and I lounged around in the kitchen talking about old high school friends and relationships with mothers... (strange girly talk while I took about half an hour to eat about 3/4 of a meat pie), and Bec came in to say hi when she saw my light on....

These guys have become a second family. As we drove down the windy Clovelly Rd this afternoon, I realised there are so many people I know that I never keep in touch with... yet they're still good mates... and I guess that's what makes a good friend - people you don't have to talk to every single day, yet their hearts and insides are the same the next time you see them, be it two days or two years.

Yesterday was cool because Nez and I finally caught up. Went to Mass, had breakfast, and caught a DVD (one of the stupidest teen ficks of all time, mind you - but Christina Milian is a hottie). I figure he's one of those friends. We hardly talk as much as we used to, but I can still cry on the phone to him and he'll still offer that holy, brotherly advice that makes Nez... well... Nez.

I was in bed on Monday night, and Sav drove past, beeped like a maniac and yelled out my name. *sigh* one thing I miss living so far from friends is knowing that they're thinking about you when they drive past your house... but it was fun to hear it again, and feel appreciated.

And then last night I spent about four hours on the couch while Edz tried to console me in my agony. The TV was on, but we weren't really watching, and it was just funny because I'm sure he wanted to squirm because I was squirming, and my cheeks were swollen, so he just kept laughing. Well... laughing, and trying to get me to cheer up without making me smile, because smiling kinda hurts at the moment.

Gargh... why am I reminiscing over such things and such people when it's only gonna make me wanna go home and visit them?! Oh btw... Caitlyn threw up on me yesterday... yes.. .she's a star, I tell you. The most talented little critter... but she can't crawl yet.

Life... oh life... oh life.... dooo dooop doop dooo...

that random day off...

Confession: I haven't showered at all today. Actually, I'm two movies through my chic-flick marathon, and I've practically moved into the living room. I was supposed to visit my sister today, but haven't had the energy... really just wanted to sleep and rest and not think about anything.

So when Roanne approached me with deep thoughts and opinions about the behaviour of particular male friends, I shrugged them off. Not in the mood to get analytical. Not in the mood to hear kerfuffle about boys who don't know what they're doing with themselves (I've had enough encounters with them thank you!)

My cheeks feel like bits of my pillows got sewn into them during the operation on Saturday morning. I was told yesterday that I didn't look too puffy, but I woke up this morning and my cheeks had puffed up with striking vengeance, so I've been sitting here all day, feeling chubbier than Caitlyn, wishing I could consume food that required chewing, because slurping yoghurt, jelly and mashed potatoe doesn't seem to satisfy any hunger I've felt all wkd.

Atm I'm totally crushing on Samuel Ball and Mark Ruffalo - two gorgeous guys (who, funnily enough, are in one of my favourite movies - Suddenly 30), and having just watched that movie, I'm now daydreaming about that particular someone who is just as cute, down-to-earth and funny... and still thinks I'm gorgeous and smelling beautiful, despite my fat cheeks and bad post-operative breath. (Btw i don't actually know if "that someone" exists yet. I figure if he does, he'll know to visit me bringing offerings of taro milk tea with pearls, and an unending supply of hugs.)

This afternoon's major decisions involve:
1. Whether to watch Now and Then OR A Little Princess.
2. Should I call uni and apply for graduation?
3. Should I eat strawberry or orange jelly?

Hehe... yeah life is tough ay?

zzzzzzzzzzz....

Lessons after an NZ experience:

#1 - I can't deal with boys who snore. This whole trip I've tried to stay as feminine as possible, feeling like I need to counter the overdose of testerone I've encountered after two weeks with JUST boys. As much as I love Edwin, Suarez, Nereus and Bokyo, their rhythmic sleeping sounds have left me sleepless this whole holiday... so yeah... *sigh* So much for going home feeling more relaxed ay?

#2 - New Zealand is mighty beautiful. It's landscapes are fantastic, it's animals are funny and it's cities are so much fun. Mountains disappear and reappear behind mist and clouds... and the view from the ferry when we arrived at South Island. *WOW!* breathtaking stuff mate!
(Remind me to show you all a video of the massive bunch of cows we found on the road on our drive from Picton when Edwin and Boks stopped to pee... NZ scenery - what an amusement!)

#3 - Travelling with Boks has been awesome coz his poses crack me up and he's not afraid to walk around, explore a place's lifestyle and culture, and chat up shop assistants and absolute strangers just for the sake of having a good time.

#4 - Vegetables and fruit are integral to one's diet.

#5 - New Zealand ice cream is worth it - even on days when you are sporting a massive jacket, a scarf, a pair of gloves and a white beanie.

#6 - It is possible to enjoy and appreciate a rainy day - so long as you're in Hanmer Springs and up the road from hot thermal springs and have access to a private spa room.

#7 - Fancy schmancy hotels aren't all that worth it after a few weeks in hostels. A bed, clean sheets and a place to shower is all you need. I've learnt that you don't even need a TV - not in Christchurch anyway. Besides, you meet more people and hear more languages when you're in a hostel with travellers who don't have any money... :p

#8 - KFC tastes the same - no matter where you are in the world.

#9 - Peacocks are snobby. We went to the zoo today, and I got snobbed by a Peacock. Far out... talk about depressing. And then Edz fed the giraffe and I got rejected... (I still reckon it's only coz the giraffe knew it was his birthday)

#10 - NZers in Christchurch don't know what Gloria Jeans coffee is. We asked a store assistant if he knew where the nearest "Gloria Jeans" was, and he replied with, "Hmm... I don't know if there's one of those around. But there is a Just Jeans just up the road...?"

And with that... I'm gonna go pack. See you soon Sydney!

backpackers paradise

It's been over a week since I've touched the keyboard. I love being able to walk into a youth hostel, pay $2 and jump on the net for half an hour. Might mean nothing to most people, but for me (who happens to be in a different country right now) it's mighty exciting.
At the moment I'm checkin my mail, Boks and Eddoes are playing Connect Four in the lobby of Base Backpackers in Wellington, New Zealand. I love the feeling of being in a new city. This gives me faint memories of London and our arrival in Athens.

Have been in NZ for over a week now. Last week was pretty action packed - visited some geothermal rocks that were pumping out steam in Te Puia, went white water rafting, lugeing, Zorbing, bungee jumping... had a nice relaxing wkd in the Bay of Islands in a fancy shmancy studio unit and took a (cold) cruise up to Cape Brett... had a pretty dreary day exploring Auckland yesterday, and today was a 9 hour drive down through the North Island to Wellington. Edwin - what a hero. Drove down with only 3 hours sleep coz we dropped off Nez at Auckland airport at 6:30am.

Hmm.. so what now? I'm loving the laid back lifestuly of everyone I've met here. I'm one of those ppl who walk the streets of Sydney trying to get people to smile (man ppl in Australia seem so depressed) but here in NZ, everyone smiles at you - or smiles back when you acknowledge their presence on the road. Had an interesting conversation with Boks about how NZers have adopted (and overtaken the quality of) the calm, accepting and welcoming Australian culture. Come on Aussies? Where's the hospitality? Everyone's so nice to tourists here, but in Oz they're all uptight and critical. Gargh.

I miss home, but I'd seriously move to NZ. Wellington at night reminds me of our nights in Europe in August last year, and I've totally lived up the experience of living with Suarez, Nez and Eddoes for a week. Hahaha... and we saw about 30 Australian YFCers in Sky Tower yesterday, so it was like I didn't miss out on going to conference - we may as well have asked Brian Musa to pull out a guitar at the top of Auckland's tower and start a worship.

I've also realised the value of the PSP coz Boks had the live Jack Johnson concert on a UMD, so we drove down to Wellington listening to him live.... *sigh* Jack Johnson to me is what John Mayer is to my sis Roanne. Only Jack's better... (hehehehe... yeah what? You know it's true).

Man it's late. 11:43pm, but our hotel is just next door (again, somewhat fancy shmancy... with really funky carpet that vaguely reminds me of my Nagle uniform and Eddoes' chucks).

ryan, jonna, jane, roanne, rina, caitlyn, mark, jean, annabelle, mum, dad, anj, kamella, gerry, ian, sav, amardeep and cobes... missin you all at the moment.

Angela's graduating! Wow I'm mega proud of her!! YAY! *sigh* we're all growing up damn it. becoming police officers, travellers, mums, wives, dads, and the whole shebang... it's a bit crazy. And here I am - I haven't even applied for graduation. Hahaha... whoops.

Oh well - I've discovered a new mantra while I've been on this trip - TAKE IT AS IT COMES. Ehp... living life by the day baby...

See ya'll back in Syd soon! Only 6 days to go. Wellington, Hanmer Springs and Christchurch... watch out!

**PS sorry for the typos - Í've got 3minutes left.**

Atm I should be doing my essay for CAEC. I'm leaving this house for NZ at 4am tomorrow, so it better get done before I go to bed at night. The annoying thing is, my computer crashed and lost my notes after 3hours of working on the stupid thing. I got up early this morning just to get started... and suddenly it was all over at 1pm because all 1,683 words disappeared after the blue screen of death ate them up. Stupid blue screen.

But that doesn't take away the cause of celebration. HAPPY EASTER to the world! And especially to Caitlyn, whose happy chubby cheeks always seem to make everyone in this house to warm and happy every time she comes to visit.

Meanwhile I was browsing through my e-journal again and found a snippet from what I was talking to my sister about about 4 months ago. So true... soooo so true.

***

The fact that I want him to fight for me… and if he doesn’t, it’s his loss. I want him to prove to me that out of all the men in my life right now, I’ll be making the right choice choosing to be with him.

It’s natural to want the guy you’re attracted to to be your hero. And it’s natural to hurt when he fails that expectation. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to expect a hero. A woman’s heart deserves to be won. And the warrior fighting has to realise that the higher the risks, the more opportunity there is to be brave.

it's what i do best...

Sitting in my room at the mission house.

I see:
* Garnier Fructis Style Smoothing Milk
* Dove Essential Nutrients Protective Tinted Moisturiser
* Codral day and night tablets
* Box of Pink Kleenex tissues
* WYD Germany picture display
* Pic of SPY kids from the 2004 City to Surf
* I-zone camera
* White fetish slip-on shoes
* A fat purple cushion
* Bottle of Cool Ridge water
* My Christian Leadership notes (guilt trip... DO YOUR ASSIGNMENT JOY!!)
* Green side bag
* Book shelf containing the following titles: The Courage To Teach, Introducing the New Testament, The Complete Adventures of Snugglepot and Cuddlepie, Incurable, A Lineage of Grace, He Chose the Nails, The Purpose Driven Life, Harry POtter and the Half-Blood Prince, Passion and Purity, Love and Responsibility, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, 1000 Questions and Answers, Chocolate Heaven, and The Women's Weekly Best Food Collection.
* The blue sky

I hear:
* "Softer to Me" by Relient K
* The tapping of my fingers on the laptop keys
* People walking around, shutting and opening doors down stairs
* A faint breeze
* Sniffling
* A car driving down the street

I keep:
* All my letters
* Finding pointless things to do that will help me procrastinate
* Checking my email

I really should:
* Stop blogging and do my work. =p

feels like home...

I just:
- Finished 1/4 a tub of Nutella.
- Got out of the shower after rinsing purple paint off my arms (thanks Gemma...)
- Fell off a ladder about 3 hours ago. =)
- Printed out the final pages of the book I'm making.

Currently:
- Typing away at my home PC.
- Wearing my sky blue PJ pants and a towel on my head.
- Listening to Third Day - "Turn Your Eyes"

Currently in love with:
- All the volunteers who helped paint the SPY house today (esp. all those parents who were sooo thoughtful enough to bring fried rice, fried chicken and ICE CREAM!!! YEAH!)
- Autumn sunshine (especially the moments when it romantically streamed through the CYS sisterhood room and the chapel every morning for the past week).
- My neighbourhood. Nothing beats living out west - no, not even the beaches and the Eastern suburbs.
- John Butler Trio.

Jittery and excited because:
- I pack my bags and go road-tripping around NZ in less than ten days! YEAH!!
- I'm going bungee jumping.
- This year is flying.
- The best is yet to come...

*****

There are days when I feel like a nomad with no place to fit in, or feel at home. There are days when I'm neither here nor there and I wonder where it is I'm supposed to belong, who my real friends are, and what is I'm supposed to be doing and why God seems so far away.

But today I found home amongst twenty or so volunteers and a couple of buckets of blue paint. God bless the people in my Parish...

can't be bothered to think of a title

Got home from class today and walked straight to the laundry to hang my clothes (hoping it doesn't rain tonight, coz what psycho - other than myself - hangs clothes at 9pm?). It was the class for term at the CAEC, and thank God it was because all I did for the last 15 minutes was scribble pictures of the lecturer all over the margin of the book. He's not the most lively fellow... but he's very interesting. It's just that... I'm absoluely knackered and have been for a quite some time now.

So today I breathe a sigh of relief that there is a pause in our schedule, and there's no major retreats happening for a while.

People ask me how ministry's going, and all I can do is beam and say "GREAT!" And it is great - but it's still tiring. And ministry of any sort will stay hard. But the satisfaction and fulfillment at the end of everyday is unbeatable... and that's why I'm glad I'm doing it.

Atm I'm in the offices listening to old tracks... like stuff from the Dawson's Creek album, and some John Butler Trio tunes. Atm John Legend is... well... a legend (current favourite is "So High") and I'm so totally grateful that Sarah and Joe appreciate Jack Johnson as much (if not more!) than I do.

Tonight was my first truly proud moment as a chef. For the first time, I cooked something that didn't taste funny, and people actually complemented with sincerity. No cheating either - it just goes to show that experimentation with cream, mushrooms, cheese, oregano and beef works. Sesame honey carrots and sugar peas are a good addition to such a dish. We left the house feeling very satisfied... or at least I did. And Joe paid a high complement as we were driving to Lidcombe, so I am feeling very loved right now.

I realised I haven't been blogging much because there's nothing to procrastinate from when you're a missionary. Usually my blogs (including this one!) are written because I'm procrastinating and because I want to use that time procrastinating trying to think of something insightful to contribute to the public sphere... but it's all usually random gibberish (hence the title).

Hmm... so what's been making me so tired lately? Well I went for a swim on Sunday - that was awesome fun. I accomplished my goal of 15 laps in half an hour (for many people that's not that big a deal, but a scrawny amateur swimmer like myself, I feel it deserves a mention!). That's five laps more than the week before, so I'm pretty happy about that.

Monday was one of the funnest days I've ever had!! It deserves to go down in the history books, and it's a shame I didn't take any photos... but it was such a perfect day - not a cloud in the sky! The team went to Centennial Park and had a sports day with the Trojan team and some of the CYS ex-teamies. Sports day for us means random innings of continuous cricket, a puffed round of ultimate frisbee, and then pausing the energy burning day with some lunch and a game of Cranium under the shade of a weirdly shaped tree that Joe insisted on climbing... until he freaked out after finding a spider web further up the branches.

Late afternoon is my favourite time of Autumn days. The shadows stretch along the ground and I love it. Joe and I kicked around a soccer ball for at least an hour, and talked about nothing and everything while the rest of the team played Cluedo. We didn't stop until our feet got sore -but it was worth it - I haven't had a full day of major physical activity in ages!

And then today came along and I was reminded of what it was like to be in year 9 at an all girls school.... (hmmm... no nostalgia... just cringe-feeling - year 9 wasn't the best of years) All I really recall from that year was a lot of petty fights, teenage angst, and bad attitude. Thank God we were over pouting at the camera. The girls I met today weren't much different to what my grade were... but the difference was we got to tell them that judging each other wasn't going to do anything. The greatest people are the ones that build people up - not tear them down. I'm really grateful I got to do a testimony about being able to see myself through God's eyes. Girls get fed so much crap about needing to prove themselves, but I know we don't have to. God made us the way he wanted us to... and that's we should walk around with pride, knowing we're clothed in his dignity.

So yeah... life in the CYS house has been mad fun, and I'm learning heaps (including how to play drums!) I am also learning and resdiscovering the greatness of seeing things through the eyes of a child. But more on that later... for now... I gotta look up NZ accomo.

Oh yeah... I'm going to New Zealand!! 13 days!!! YEAHH!!!!!!!

head out of the ground

Greetings friends who read this blasted BLOG! Oh man.. I feel blog starved... it feels like forever since I've posted anything. And it's not because I haven't had anything to say either... I've had plenty to say (mostly pointless, random gibberish, that I'm sure you're used to) but just haven't had the time to sit here and pointlessly hammer away at my laptop.

Firstly because most of my spare time - wait... most of? What on earth do I mean by that? Spare time is actually a rarity at the CYS house, and even my time off at home - which has been shortened to less than 24hrs a week - is usually spent asleep, with my sisters, neice, parents or muchly missed friends of the Western region! But yeah anyway... the spare time I DO have, is spent hammering away at my new friend Asher.

He's black, got good rhythm (provided I hit the right thing), can get pretty loud (much like me), lives in the upstairs common room and totally loves the ocean views.

Ehp... Ash is my new friend from Bambams - the beautiful new black shiny drum kit that totally bumped up the standard of all 21st birthday presents. Wow... wasn't expecting that one! Thanks to all the people who made my birthday so blessed. I don't have the energy to describe just how spoilt I was when I celebrated this year... but man... I have experienced gratitude at a level never before reached in my 21 years of living.

Hey... so... life in the missionary field? What to say? Today I witnessed the most awesome level of childlike faith I've ever seen. The REC actually got me teary at the end of the day when she so confidently, lovingly and sincerely proclaimed that she saw God in each of those 32 yr 6 students, and that she actually looked up to them because of their enthusiasm and excitement.

One of the many favourites of today was Paul, who, as a an answer to the question "why should we as leaders ask 'what would Jesus do?'," stuck his hand up in the air so quickly and said so matter-of-factly into the microphone, "Because he's our king and we believe in him!"

WOW.

Gotta love that innocence ay?

Today, the sunrise and the moon made my day. One of those natural blessings that I get to see when I pop my head out of the room... And speaking of my room... I better check it because atm I strung all my washing in there (undies and shirts gallore!) because of the rain this afternoon.

So to end it quickly, here's my "Golden List" for today:

1. The sky this morning - glorious blue, red and everything in between.
2. The yr 6 kids and everything about them that totally made my heart clucky and fuzzy today.
3. The purple Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toy from the McDonald's Happy Meal
4. I was walking around Bondi with a pink balloon and got to see a 3yr old girl smile so big just coz I gave it to her
5. Spending time with the girls on team
6. Laughing at the guys (esp. Boks and Joe)
7. Tuesday's conversation
8. Daydreaming about NZ in April
9. God's way of winning over my heart (esp. through Elizabeth Elliot's "Passion & Purity")
10. Singing Motown songs in the van.

nothing in particular

I'm in a contemplative mood - what with the rain splatting on the roof, the blinding lightning, the cars making swoosh sounds over the road, and the angry thunder freaking me out every now and again.

No... sorry, actually I'm just procrastinating again. My current crisis is that I can't seem to get comfortable - no matter where I am. It's a perplexing conundrum... but it's one that's been bothering me for quite some time now. And you know what totally sucks more?? We've managed to run out of ink. At this very second my printer is spitting out sheets of paper marked with splotches of black nothing. Gargh...!

On a positive note, Caitlyn came over for a visit this afternoon for lunch. It was the most heart-warming experience, having a tiny little baby fall asleep on my lap. I was thoroughly entertained for an hour, this fragile little baby peacefully dozing, pausing only momentarily to stretch, flinch, or open her curious little eyes and look at me with suspicion. She was very considerate not to make any noise as her parents napped in our living room. Jean and Mark ought to be commended for how well they cope with their exhaustion.

Hmmm... so what's to say today? Nothing much. Except there are a few things I should probably remind myself (one gains pah-lenty of wisdom after watching 7 episodes of the 2nd season of The OC in one weekend)... uh... like:
- Avoiding the truth will ultimately screw up your life
- There is no such thing as doing nothing, because even the act of doing nothing has a consequence
- Nice big houses and fancy-schmancy clothes will never equate to happiness
- If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything (the character of Marisa is a perfect example of this... I swear she annoys the hell out of me)
- There's hope for everyone (even Summer...)
- Never take guys like Zach for granted
- Don't do backflips unless you're totally confident you can do it, and if you start doing a backflip, do not (I repeat DO NOT!) stop half-way or you will kick yourself in the face with your knee and land on your back (not a good way to stay healthy and flexible)

Yeah so that last thing was not something I learnt while watching The OC. I learn that important life lesson on Friday afternoon at the Don Bosco centre... I've got video footage to prove it... and have been periodically treating myself to shiatsu massages all weekend to overcome the physical trauma of my (failed) attempt at primary school gymnastics... hmmm....

welcome Earthling!

She says: Dude! I'm in love!!
He says: Awww... you're Tita Joy!
She says: Ah! What? Tita?? ...
He says: Oh that's right, you're not Filo, you're Aussie. Aunty Joy. (pause) Aunt Joy. *cue sinister laugh* Man, you're old!
She says: Ah shut up. *smiles* Hmm.. I'm in love.

***

There's a photo of the cutest little baby girl on my phone. Her name is Caitlyn Julia, and she's the tiniest and cutest living creature I've laid eyes on, and she has totally been milking the privelege of being caressed in the arms of pah-lenty of Enriquez & dela Cruz family members since she was born on Monday. She has curious, sleepy eyes that stare at you in awe, and a smile that has earned many adoring kisses from our lil step-cousin AJ.

***

Dear Caitlyn,
Well... welcome to planet Earth! You arrived a little early, but that's ok. I don't know if the Internet will still be around when you grow up and blogging will probably be out of date, but I figure I should pay you a tribute since you are one ultra-special new-comer to the family.

So... the day you were born was exciting! I drove to uni (ehp... the firt time your Lolo let me drive the land cruiser around) and I got the news of you being born as I was parked outside a nursing home in Beecroft (hmm... is that ironic?). I told my two best mates first... and drove to the hospital to see you and your parents. Your Dad was totally in love with you, and your Mum was a natural at taking care of you from day one. You probably couldn't tell (and if you could, I'm sure you don't remember) but everyone who was hanging around Bed 10 was glowing with excitement at your arrival.

Btw, you're decision to get here on Monday was excellent timing. You're Lola was up in Sydney, instead of at work in Canberra, and I wasn't all the way at Clovelly. So luckily, we got to see you on the day you arrived - all pink, tiny, squashed up and ultra-adorable.

I believe your Lolo has saved the newspaper that we got on the day you were born. Wow... that's sweet!

Hmm... so what's to tell you about this planet? I should apologise... it's a bit messed up. A lot of others who arrived before you have managed to screw up a few things (morality, optimism, idealism, religion... just to mention a few) - but fear not! There are still many people who are working through the mess and trying to make things better for you, and your future brothers, sisters, cousins and what-not.

Plus, there are many AMAZING and very VERY cool things in this world that humanity can't get rid of - God has built them into creation, and hopefully nothing drastic will happen, because I'd love for you to experience these things with a lot anticipation and excitement. Rainbows, music, swimming in the ocean, bubble baths, bush walks, trampolines, chocolate ice cream, snow, baby rabbits and fresh cut grass are just a few of life's irreplaceable treasures. Remind me to show these things to you as you're growing up.

And just in case you forget (although I promised myself on the day you were born that I'd never LET you forget)... GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH! And that's why you're here... because you're an expression of God's love. Hehehe... your hair will grow, your baby fat will disappear, you'll grow up & out, you'll probably adopt a bit of an attitude... but God will love you all the same... and so will your Mum & Dad. Plus... you've got four doting aunties who are already totally in love with you... just in case you don't feel like talking to your parents about these things.

Don't forget the era of laptops, palm-tops, mobile mania, Robo-sapiens, cars with GPS, Jack Johnson, Kanye West, John Legend, and riduculous but entertaining genres of music, movies and reality TV.

This is the era where everyone is a cynic (or pretends they are) - everyone except the people who are at peace with the world, how it was created, and their place. I'm hoping you grow up to be one of those exceptions... an optimist, an adventurer, a girl who is quite happy to be discovering things that are both happy and disturbing, a girl who has her confidence in the God that created her, died for her and is totally, completely and thoroughly ready to love her from head to toe.

Undoubtedly, your time here will be an exciting one!

Love ya lots Caitlyn Julia (currently known as Caiju, Caju, Greedy Guts or Watermelon Baby).

Your pal, Joy (*ahem!* too young to be a Tita...) =p

homesickness

I never thought I'd be one to call home crying. But today's just one of those days... (did u ever hear that song by Monica.. "Just One of Them Days?".. ehp. That's me. Officially girlified.) I tried calling home. But no one's picking up their phone. Tried calling my mum. But we're never on the phone long enough for an actual conversation. Wish I could call Roanne... but she's at a retreat. Have no idea what my other sisters are doing, but I figure if they're not picking up the home phone, they're out doing something.

Right now I want to vomit, cry and vege. Right now, I want familiarity. Even though this place is officially home, I miss familiarity. I miss my family. But they don't seem to be missing me. And I miss my friends... crap - do I ever. Our stupidity, jokes, laziness and *sigh*... BLEH.

I just had a flashback of being in Suarez's living room on a Friday night. It was almost two years ago..crap. Back when I was doing ICOM 2-0-something in 2nd year uni, and Friday nights equated to late-night DVDs with Suarez, Nereus and Eddoes (and sometimes even Gerry... aww Gerry... where are you these days??). I miss the bumming. The bludging. The arguments about girls and guys. All that talk about love and how not to fall for cheap, overrated versions of it. Those conversations about nothing.

I miss random visits from Ian because he could smell fish coming out the kitchen window. I miss Sav & Pielle driving past my window and screaming out my name for the whole neighbourhood to hear.

And then there was Boston Markets. Why did they have to get rid of that restaurant? Why did people fail to see the value of corn bread?? And that $20 meal & movie deal at Reading Cinema that Ryan, Nez, Edwin and I exploited after deep and meaningful conversations about the skin colour, accent, and ideal qualities of our future partners... priceless stuff man. Ryan and his thing for salsa dancing... hahaha...

Don't get me wrong. Life in the house is awesome, and my friends here are irreplaceable. But so was life out West, and my friends back there are still irreplaceable. West Upperhousehold. Riann, Carlos, Jane, Gerry, Jons, Dom, Jaypee... Playing charades in my living room. Jumbling Tower. The TABOO session at Ian's place for Jonna's 21st. The beach. The St Andrew's choir and morning breakfasts at McDonald's.

I MISS MY MATES.

Bleh.

can't stand...

Bleh... it's Saturday, a beautiful blue sky is right outside my window **cue the fresh ocean breeze** but man I can't get out of this seat. I'm dying, I tell you. I want to walk to the beach and lie in the sand... but I can't move. BLAAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Couldn't sleep last night. I was still awake at 2:30am and put some music on. Tried to nod off but got up at 4:30am, walked to the toilet conquered my fear of ghosts attacking me on my way to toilet, only to be faced with the challenge of NOT falling asleep on the toilet seat... walked down stairs and almost collapsed in the kitchen.

Friday night... not fun.

Currently thinking:
- Everyone I want to call is probably at the SFC retreat, and the people who aren't haven't wanted to talk to me since I moved to the city.
- Damn this office - it's never clean.
- What am I going to eat for lunch?
- Can't move... womanhood has paralysed me for the day.
- ROCKY's pizza... mmmmhmmm..
- Yr 7 kids were gorgeous at yesterday's reflection day.
- Craving a watermelon boost juice.
- Wish my friends would visit me.
- Wish my family would too.
- Stupid uni assignments. I thought it was all meant to be over now!
- Wish I could teleport or apparate my way home.
- Wish I had a car with a built-in driver.
- Wish I had someone to snuggle with. Even a puppy would do right now.

instinctively...

Ramblings from a long train ride...

Every animal - with or without a soul - has an instinctive fear. There is some type of natural internal force that intructs us to guard our own life, and the lives of those in our family circle, for fear of losing our most valuable possession - LIFE.

Humans could do a lot of good by considering the lessons learnt from a close analysis of animal behaviour. Notice how an animal knows instinctively how important it is to produce offspring? There is a point somewhere in their life cycle where an internal "click" happens and the animal knows (instinctively!) that one of the most important (if not the most important) purpose for its existence is to produce offspring. Pass the family genes. Reproduce. Encourage the continuity of the species. Protect the bloodline. Ensure survival.

An animal knows how important - or better yet; how sacred - it is to have children. In the animal kingdom (which, by the way, humanity is a part of), motherhood is prized because without it, animals of all species (yes, including our own) would eventually cease to exist.

You're all thinking "thanks for the deep biology lesson Joy, but what's the point?" Well I pose this question... What has humanity done to the sanctity of motherhood???? The more I think about this, the angrier I become. Where is the pride in being able to create and nurture life? For a species so advanced in intellect, emotion, knowledge and technology; for a species that seems so adamant in their pursuit to improve the quality and efficiency of life, why are we so happy to hinder the creation of it?

We are a species that encourages its fellow humans to take pride in scientific or spiritual discoveries and achievements, yet we treat the ability to create the most complex, beautiful, mysterious, delicate, and powerful of all creations with such fear and disdain. How is it that humans can so casually destroy life and desecrate it, when the lowliest and simplest of all animals hold life - and the ability to create it - in such high regard?

It would be easy to justify my intense anger towards advocates of RU-486 with sound Catholic doctrine. But my reasons for contempt against this drug are far more basic than spiritual theology. Whether or not I believe a foetus is alive or dead, with or without a soul; it is the fact that we have allowed ourslves to endanger the life of a potential mother and destroying the potential for life to be created that is so disgusting.

A drug that gives potential mothers the ability to endanger their own life in order to destroy the potential of creating life in her own body is completely contradictory to the animal instinct to protect and continue life. To slow down reproduction in any animal species is unnatural. Motherhood and childbirth are essential to survival. The fact this drug is even being considered to be legalised in Australia shows that we are indeed a lost and doomed species.

I'm starting to see why people are convinced that "the end is near." It may or may not come within the decade or century, but if we wake up one morning and wonder why the fertility rate has dropped, why children dishonour and disrespect their parents, and why sexually transmitted disease is so rampant, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves. (Or has that day come already???)

To support RU-486 (or any other abortion for that matter) desecrates parenthood, builds foundations for broken families, justifies the anti-family sentiment that haunts could-have-been mothers and fathers, and disrespects humanity's unmatched ability to create life with a soul.

I wonder about those who argue ruthlessly that RU-486 is justifiable. Truthfully, it might be useful to a teenager with an unwanted pregnancy, a family with too many children, a woman with an abusive partner, a rape victim... the list goes on. Please don't think for a moment that I haven't considered these people - that their situations are any less deserving of the understanding and mercy that we would desire for ourselves if ever we were ever in their place. Because I have thought about these women... Women who should be respected and honored - as all women should be - for the ability... the gift of bearing a child that could be the difference this world could need.

It saddens me that motherhood has been trivialised. It isn't a trivial matter to infertile young women. It isn't trivial to the couple who has prayed for decades for a child to call their own. It won't be a trivial matter to the generations after us who look around at the broken families, the broken relationships and the broken hearts that litter society because we've discarded the respect due to the one thing sacred to all living things - LIFE.

You may think this issue doesn't apply to you.

It does.

What if your mother had taken that drug? You wouldn't be here. How would you react if it was your sister who wanted to take the risk? Not only will she destroy the possiblity of having a neice or nephew that one time, she risks destroying all possibilities of having a child. She risks her own life. What if it was your wife? Your teacher? Your next door neighbour? Would you be so comfortable to stand back if the women you loved most in the world chose to take that risk? How comfortable would you be if it was your turn to start a family and you couldn't?

How will our children's children value the lives of others if their parents can't value the life of the child?

The respect has to start now. The respect has to start here. The respect has to start with you.

It is human instinct - to live.

it's morphin time!!

Welcome to February - the second month of 2006. January was proof that this year is going to fly by without me even being able to blink.

Yesterday I paid my "real home" (as some friends like to remind me) a visit and spent the early evening diving into childhood memories by watching The Power Rangers Movie. Brought me back to the unforgettable schoolyard moments of 1994 and 1995 when pink ranger was my idol and all I wanted to do was cartwheels and backflips at the back of St Pat's playground in order to fight off those deadly Putties. Man... pink ranger was such a bimbo though. (that explains alot ay?)

Of course there's always my way of making sure I still tease out a moral out of last night's nostalgic couch experience. What was it that the half-naked warrior of the planet Vados was saying? Oh yes... the stronger power lies within.

When all hope is lost, then remember that GOD IS THE STRENGTH OF YOUR HEART.

The best inward sign of vocation is deep gladness – revolutionary but true. If a work is mine to do, it will make me glad over the long haul, despite the difficult days. Even the difficult days will ultimately gladden me, because they pose the kinds of problems that can help me grow in a work if it is truly mine.
[P. Palmer - The Courage To Teach]

It's been a month of training at the CYS house, and without a doubt - the strength to get through the long days is definitely from a source unbeknown to me. Each day brings with it a new set of challenges - be it spiritual, emotional, mental or physical... but I really praise God for providing CYS with such a devoted, affirming, funny and faithful team to do his work this year!

Having said that, if you read this, please note that our first retreat is tomorrow - so please send out a prayer for us!!

We are the limbs and eyes and faces in and through whom Christ plays.
[E.H.Peterson - Christ Plays In Ten Thousand Places]