pungent

Kristone returned my HSC Extention English 2 Major Work last Saturday...
After sitting down to have a squiz and what was in my brain three years ago, I realised I haven't sat down and worked on a creative piece in a looong time. Sadly, I think my hibernation as a writer may have permanently affected my thinking processes - in a detrimental way.

I will admit though, it was exciting to flip through the pages with fond nostalgia and remember, with affection, the origins of my 4 characters - Kayla, Rei, Carson and Mario. Each with their own characteristics, personalities, families, stories, reasons, fears and journeys.

One beautiful thing about being a writer is the fact that an entire world, an unforgettable journey, and one or four or maybe ten different lives can come alive simply by using the right words in the right order for the right effect. Isn't it amazing that when I write "smelly" you know what I mean? But when I write "pungent" it gives a different meaning to "smelly?"

Ok time to shut up and go to bed.

I hate it when things get complicated. I like things simple. I get complicated and I hate that too.

But I guess I can’t help but wonder...Where are you right now? What do you look like? Are you tall, are you short… do you shave, what colour is your hair? What type of shows did you watch and what books do you read? Do you go to uni, do you have a job? How many people are in your family? Will I get along with them the first time I meet them?

Will I get along with you the first time I meet you?

Where are you and what are you doing? Are you awake… like me? Could it be possible that you’re typing away at a laptop in the middle of the night… after watching reruns of a teenage drama you were attached to in high school or downloading music by a rock band?
Will you laugh at me for wondering these things and asking these questions?
Are you sweet, sensitive.. or are you rough and closed off from the world? Are you passive or are you the initiator? Do you procrastinate or get things done?
Are we alike or complete opposites?

And while I wonder all these crazy things, I think to myself… I don’t even really know who I am… so how is it that I should be asking these things about you?

“You’ll meet a lot of different guys before you find the right one… or the guy you are with will have to learn from a lot situations like this before he becomes the right one”

STAND UP!

Wednesday...
- SPY rep council camp at Bonnie Vale... about 300m away from the beach [WOW!]
- Setting up Nereus' tent with much difficulty, until Mr Tjen came to the rescue
- Getting burried in the sand... lovely sunburnt mermaid.
- BBQ and roast potatoes for dinner... *yum!!*
- Session 1: Stand UP! - watching them trying to find a rope blindfolded... and watching them lead each other to Jesus [literally!] =)
- Walkin to the water hole and climbing up rocks for the beautiful view...

"I do not fear for I know that all that happens is part of His plan, and all that is His plan is for His glory and for His love..."

- THE STARS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
- Fireworks - Australia Day
- Girl talk ;o)
- Rain at 4:30am - **whoopeee!!** Jumping up in the middle of the night and yelling "the food!" cz we'd left it all outside...

Thursday...
- Bait hunting on the sand bay... watching nippers trying to swim away and finding my new friend "Hermit" the soldier crab
- Forgetting to release the fishing line when I cast out... *ahem*
- Building a Ninja-Turtle sand-sculpture and Tony & Courtney's desperate attempt to make sure it was safe from the tide ...
- Session 2: STAND FOR ...

"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example to the believers in your speech, conduct, faith, love and purity..."

- Fried rice with SPAM, corn, eggs and... (despite my violent protests!) capsicum

- Session 3: STAND PROUD...

"My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness..."

- Roasting marshmallows at midnight

Friday...
- Morning prayer on the beach... PEACE!
- Challenge: Fort-building in the sand bay ... until it rain started bucketing down.
- Standing in front of the tent for about 10minutes, drenched, trying to figure out what to do.
- The goanna trying to steal our bowls of spaghetti.
- Cockatoos biting its tail...
- Session 4: STAND STRONG!

"[Faith] is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of seeds on the earth. But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants, and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade."

- Swimming away from shore... beautiful sun, beautiful SUMMER... beautiful company

HUNGRY

This entry's a bit random. It's Tuesday arvo and the weather this week is drastic, yet I'm still planning to go camping at Bonnie Vale. Yikes... and I've never had to sleep in a tent before, and I'm seriously NOT as tough as people think I am!!

Meanwhile, I've been listening to "Relient K" and they seriously crack me up - yet they are a witty and clever band, so they're on my Fave List right now. I've been singing "Gibberish" coz it just sums up ME and what I'm thinking...

So... this morning I cut up Hershey's kisses and made choc-chip pancakes and had them with mangoes... yum yum...

And now I'm hungry.
Yikes

femz

Celebrating Femininity

Wow... I just had the girliest week I've ever had in my life. a good 6 days/nights consisted of shopping, boy-talk, nail-painting, talking about inadequate body parts, playing charades, cards, asking (embarrassingly) personal questions, teasing those in love, poking fun at those in "like" and making stupid jokes about crushes, body odour and being humiliated in public.
I love my YFC sisters. You women are my inspiration, my reminder to celebrate the beauty and love that God has shown me in abundance, and a reminder to KISS [keep it simple, stupid]...
Thanks for one of the best weeks of my life.

"You make my feel like a natural woman..."

Reality Check

"My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness."

[2 Corinthians 12:9]

Dear Lord... I pray for my dreams and goals for this year. Help me never to give up - to have the courage to say "no" to quitting. May I experience your justice, your mercy and your grace so it may lead to peace.

Take my liberty and my pride. Take my heart and my life and do with it what you will. Take my desires, my dreams, my goals, my hopes, and especially my weaknesses... and help me to bring glory to Your name.

Especially Lord... take my heart. You are calling me...

To those who read this... make me accountable to this prayer. =)

He makes no scents**

Confession: She developing a bad case of insanity. [Otherwise known as crush syndrome.]

She's standing at Wynyard Stn today waiting for a train to take her home. When it comes thundering through the tunnel her body groans - not just from it's lack of sleep this week, but because this fast-approaching rail vehicle lacks one essential thing: AIR CONDITIONING.

And so she steps onboard, thinking her 1.5hr train ride home is going to kill her... and then all of a sudden [wait for it!] ...

..... her nose gets a wiff of someone with "his" scent. [In other words some other guy in the carriage bought Lynx deoderant that week]

Hahahaha... and I'm laughing at her because she pulls this sudden face of relief, as if the 40degree heat means nothing anymore, because something tiny - like someone else's scent reminds her of him. And she's happy for the rest of the day.

What an idiot.

what we can't see

Doubt sees the obstacles ... Faith sees the way.

Doubt sees the darkest night ... Faith sees the day.

Doubt dreads to take a step ... Faith soars on high.

Doubt questions 'who believes?' ... Faith answers, 'I.'

[Author Unknown]

nostalgic insomnia

There was something quite unique about that sunrise.
Granted, I hadn't had any sleep that night. What with the archery at 9am that morning, with the high ropes course to follow... a half-eaten lunch and then heat-rash after the canoeing experience where me and Cassie's boat capsized when our plan to drown Dom backfired... and even after all that excitement, I still had time to get my hair dyed, watch the youth in fits of laughter or staring in awe during the brilliant display of talent during the variety night, and stay up for late-night games and "de-briefing" with the staff.

Me & Dom were in the common room for about 2 hours and all of sudden it was 4:30am and we heard determined teens rummaging through their blankets in their distressed attempt to press "snooze"... but by 5am they'd stumbled out of bed and walked up that confounded hill with combined determination to watch a brilliant sunrise.

And it really was quite brilliant... despite Phil & Jan's description of the previous day's artistic heavenly display. We spent about an hour watching grey clouds wander by, making pictures and finding friends.. I was warped and worn out to the bone, but I think that was a precious moment, sitting on the wooden table with Dom, Phil, Bec, Jan, Charmaine, Karen, Tony, Raf and Chris.

I remember for a moment this morning I closed my eyes and just listened to these young people chatting away to each other in the early hours of the day... and I opened my eyes and suddenly I say rays break through the clouds, and suddenly I was witnessing one of life's greatest lessons...

Everyday God will give us something priceless and unexplainable...

Everyday it will be up to us to put in the effort to find it.

There will be days

[like when the kids were getting out of bed],

we'll want to postpone the search, or we'll find an excuse and say we can't be bothered...

There will be days

[like when we walked up the hill]

we have to trek a difficult distance to get where we need to go so we can dig up the treasure...

There will be days

[like when we realised it was cloudy]

that the priceless treasure we yearn to hold will be hidden or concealed... and it will be up to us to see the beauty in having to look for the treasure... or perhaps in looking we'll discover a unintended treasure..

There will be days

[like when some people left because they thought it wasn't worth it]

that we miss out because of impatience

BUT

There will be times

[like this morning!]

When we are there to witness something breath-taking and unrepeatable, and we made the effort, trekked the distance, saw the value and waited patiently...

And the day's gift will unfold in all it's majesty.

new year rear-view

15th November

When I need to find peace I try to find a tranquil place that is separated from the rest of the world. Today the sky is a brilliant blue, fading into a white horizon. Traces of fluff are scattered across God's glorious, eternal canvas. No rain today. No bursts of lightning, no claps of thunder. Just a murmer of the city below me.. cars streaming over the bitumen, and the Spring breeze soaring between the leaves. The sunlight is trickling it's warmth past the branches onto my legs and toes.

I love how the trees bend to the wind flying past.
I love how the birds laugh and chatter.
I love that the busy-ness of life is reduced to a dull roar on the streets beneath me.

I'm sitting right behind the house that we snuck into.

I wish I was the person who would own that house... because this would be the church lawn I'm sitting on, the grey tiles that are in front of me would be the roof on which my kids perch on a Summer night, the paved street below would be where they ride their bikes and this amazing view of my city would be what they grew up seeing.

I can only hope... that they don't finish building this house any time soon...

The dry green grass is prickling my calves.

I'm intrigued at what sunset would look like from this perch.

Since I discovered this place in 2000, I've introduced the view to someone new each year.
There is only one other person I can think of wanting to bring here... but something tells me he just wouldn't appreciate the view. No wait... he would - but he wouldn't see what I'm seeing...

Thousands of lives, homes, memories, feelings and souls are frantically rushing by beneath me. But I am here, on top of this hill, under this beautiful tree (whose leaves look like spades on a deck of cards) and I'm thinking...

this is what peace is...

cleaning out trash

I have an alien that lives in my laundry basket. I introduced it to a boy super hero who can run so fast he can run across water. His name is "Dash" and the alien's name is "Fusion."
I also have a donkey, a tiger and a rabbit that live on my bed.

Today we are cleaning out the garage, which has accumulated over a decade's worth of junk, even though we've only lived in this house for eight years. (Only my family could figure out how to achieve that!)

But I guess it's a good thing that we have so much stuff that we don't have anywhere to put it. Even if most of the stuff is broken, rotting or has managed to become the living quarters of rare species of insects.

My Mum is hilarious - she's got a sentimental attachment to a eleven-year-old duster. I was about to throw it away, but she won't part with it. And we just went through about seventy pairs of shoes... felt more like A HUNDRED and seventy - and I wouldn't be surprised if we do have that many hiding in the corners of the garage.

I made friends with a few spiders who were mourning over the bugs who's graves we've demolished during our cleaning spree. We are no-where near finishing, but it's a wonderful adventure going through old junk. You find a lifetime of stories, dust, memories and heirlooms - like my sister's first pair of platform shoes, a pair of hand-crafted slides and pink vintage heels that belong[ed] to my Mum.

Then of course there's the truck-load of boxes that never contain what the lable says. And the old stuffed toys, the old mattress, old clothes... old EVERYTHING. Hahahaha... I could write an encyclopedia set with what we've got in there.

Good times... good times!

late night navigation

I was told to make major decisions in a cemetery...

I figure we get caught up with problems because we think that they're going to have catastrophic repercussions, and that there is a chance that the world might fall apart if (God forbid) we push the wrong button, we let go of the wrong person, we say yes to right person, buy the wrong house, accept the wrong job... blargh blargh blargh..

And then I'm in the car driving down the M4 today and I realise that it really is too easy for God to fix up whatever it is we might have stuffed up.

I mean... he can't control our decisions. And it's true that we make bad ones sometimes. But I truly believe that He's watching over us, just wanting the best for us. So do we think He would leave us for dead? I guess the point is, God wouldn't...

So about that quote on top of this entry... making major decisions in a cemetery... I didn't always agree with that piece of advice, but today it sits well with my conscience and feeling, because in the presence of those who've passed away, we are aware that we too will one day do the same. And we may spend too much time worrying, regretting, hurting, pondering, wishing and wanting - when really, God entrusted us with a life that he'd like us to be LIVING.

Those who spend too much time looking in the rear-view mirror end up in a car accident. No matter how smooth, rough, pot-holed or forked our roads may be - to travel safely, we not only have to be paying attention to the direction in which we're going, but also be humble enough to slide to the passenger seat and let Jesus take hold of the wheel.

Who else would have better idea of the best routes to take?

I figure during this Christmas season... it's not so much the gifts we wrap or the cards we write - but the way we acknowledge that a little baby was born, so we might enjoy the life he died to save.

Peace on Earth... =)

with affection

What an awful day to go to the beach - rain rain and more rain. But I will say - the trip was well worth it.

But... anything is worth going through, if you end up realising that you have the best friends in the world... Y

I mean... if you can stay up for a late dinner of Asian take-out with a couple and not feel uncomfortable or that three's a crowd; you've got awesome friends.

If you call someone up because some weirdo is into your sister, and they come running to suss him out and protect her; you've got awesome friends.

If they pull over to help you unpack a drumkit - even when they have a hell of a long drive ahead of them; you've got awesome friends.

If they call you just before they leave for overseas and trust you to bank their cheques; you've got awesome friends.

If they walk into all the chic stores during a day of Christmas shopping; you've got awesome friends.

If they use up half their tank of petrol driving around on a Sunday night just to fulfill your desire to see a decent set of Christmas lights; you've got awesome friends.

If they come over on a Friday night and spend about almost two hours fixing your tech problems; you've got awesome friends.

If they laugh at your jokes that are sooo lame; you've got awesome friends.

If they make fools of themselves in front of a video camera; relive their favourite moments and reinact the funniest gestures just to sustain the memories; you've got awesome friends.

If your phone bill is well over the monthly plan because you forget to hang up at the end of free-time; you've got awesome friends.

If you find things to buy them - even when it's not Christmas or their birthday; you've got awesome friends.

If you find yourself praying for their dreams, and you realise they know all of yours; you have awesome friends.

Thank you God... for bringing in Your Son to show us what love is...

So we might know this feeling... so beautiful, so warm... and worth every bit of pain or confusion that gets us to where we are today.

Thank you God for your angels that dwell in my thoughts, are in my prayers and bunk in my heart. ;0)

click

)

Isn't it weird that there are some people in the world that you instantly click with... and others where you just don't?

Even weirder is when you used to click with someone, and then suddenly find out that you don't anymore...

What a devastation. Ah well.

The beauty of it all though?

Those that we click with provide the rhythm in our lives... and those who choose not to do so miss out on life's most beautiful, moving music...

two lanes

There is a section of the road that I live on that is actually two roads along the same strip – one section of the road is a main road and the other (separated by a grass) is part of a back-street.
If driving late at night or under influence of drowsiness, drugs, or alcohol, one might mistake it as a three-laned length of my road, with two lanes heading north and one lane heading south, as opposed to the normal two-lanes heading in opposite directions, with a backstreet running adjacent.
Accordingly, one might make the mistake of merging into the south lane, thinking they were in a lane heading north – and only until the lights and approaching or the cars start to beep at a ridiculously panicky rate, does one realise they are about to cause a head-on collision with the cars heading south.

Tonight my stomach is feeling like I just went through a head-on collision. Feels like moths are lying larvae in my intestines, as opposed to butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
Such is the painful version of jitters because I realised that relationships can only really function when communication is coming from both directions. One-way or one-sided conversations don’t register on a scale of effective communication when it comes to friendships – communication MUST happen on a TWO-WAY street, and damn it I am so close to getting fed up with being the only one to drive down this lonesome road.

Explain to me why logic appears to fail in the brain of a person I really did believe had a high IQ:: if misunderstanding and misinterpretation occurs due to a communication break-down, wouldn’t it thus be logical to fix the communication break-down? … uh… by… communicating?

It appears not.

Forgive my lack of sensitivity – I have people who have been doing their utmost best to convince me to just leave the brokenness where it is and stop driving down this same, tiresome, painful road to heartache. People who try to convince me that it’s pointless to continue a journey to a dead-end when there are obviously other roads to take. But stubborn little me, whilst I flick through my current edition of the road map, still drives down that stupid road.

Perhaps with the faint hope that I will see headlights that tell me this IS a two-way road and I’m actually heading somewhere…

mirror mirror

Ahh... I love the beach. Can't get enough of the water.
Spent the hottest day of the year at Coogee, roasting in the sun and learning how to boogie-board. There's something so awesome about the waves of the ocean. They are elastic enough to wrap themselves around me, but tenacious enough to hurl me topsy-turvy til I'm breathless.
That's another of God's weird creations. Who else could think of combining gentleness with strength?

Sometimes it's hard to be adaptable. So easy to stay put about opinions and what to think, how to act, how to feel. But I realised the people I admire the most... are those, who despite their masks and layers, are still completely comfortable in their own shell.

I really wish I knew how to do that. Despite all the wise words about being completely confident about how God made us... I think we will always be cursed with moments when we look in the mirror and not like what we see - both the physical and the interior.

I hate being my own worst enemy.

Good thing the waves can carry me. Reminds me of Borocay... reminds me of floating on still water. Reminds me of white sand. Reminds me of the overcast morning that cleared into the most beautiful day in the sun. Good thing God can carry me too.

Days like this. Days when I'm just disappointed in the people that I don't want to be disappointed by... I can only turn to one thing.

My God like the waves, who can gently wrap around me, knowing each curve and crevice... but still be strong enough to push me, lift me and carry me in the right direction.

ginkgo overdose

GINGKO: (herb) helps to enahnce mental alertness and improve memory, concentration and cognitive function.

****

Given that I only have 7 hours and 27 minutes until my exam starts... I'm wondering if its possible to OD on gingko... *just kidding!* ;o)

You see, i've calmly accepted the fact that whatever i didn't know this morning, i won't know tomorrow morning, unless God provides me some type of miraculous revelation. Thus, im staying up merely as a comfort... not because i know it'll help me pass my exam.
Surprisingly, despite the cynicism I've maintained over the past 13 weeks of study, I have derived ONE opinion from this semester:

ESSAY TITLE: JOY HATES ALL FORM OF ASSESSMENT.

At one point, I thought assessments were ok. And then I realised that it really just prolongs the excrutiating frustration that comes with exams; and the standard of literary achievement is higher than what one would compose under exam conditions.

And then at another point, I thought exams might be better - but really it is just pressure to communicate what one would normally write in an assessment, but with only about 1 zillionth of the time allocated.

In conclusion, both are equally as bad, and I detest them with equal passion.

References: Enriquez, J. (2004) It is easy to be brave, just from a safe distance. Inthemiddleofthenight Publishers Ltd., Desert Island, Random Ocean.

eh?

) maybe falling in love isn't the hard part...

It's falling in love with the person who'll love you the way you need to be loved...

- that's the tricky bit.

"First Love"

This is ridiculous - I get online to email me tutor about my assignment WHICH I STILL HAVEN'T HANDED IN - and here i am BLOGging for crying out loud!
But it's not that I'm in a pointless-let's-write-about-jiberrish-to-bore-the-reader-type mood... Actually, this morning I have something enlightening to say!

What a morning too... woke up in a bed (that wasn't mine) by a phone call from one of my coolest of friends - because she's about to board a plane to INDIA for two months! So I crawl out of bed to a landline phone, and explain to her that she interrupted a dream about me jamming the photo copier at a library (sign of what's to come??) ... and here I am - 3 hours later, after a shower, breakfast and lots of thinking and praying and procrastinating.

The point HOWEVER... is that the thinking and the praying I've been doing lately has led to quite a revelation. ;o)
All this talk about *crushes* and *likes* and *emotions* that flutter in and out of thoughts and dreams and heartache is all good fun - but before getting swept away in human attraction: I've been reminded in a recent reading NOT TO FORGET MY FIRST LOVE!!

So here goes: a dedication to the Man who won my heart - well before any boy did. ;o)

as i stepped into tonight, i felt your breath down my spine / i felt you hold me in your arms, and whisper “you are mine” / i stared up at the sky then watched them twinkle in your eyes / as i breathed in your sweet scent and listened to your sighs / you were knocking on my heart not too long ago / tugged at my emotions as you sung music to my soul / and only you can make the Summer air taste so sweet / only you can give me tingles as you sweep me off my feet / because you knew me from the start and you read between the lines / you pull back my defences and you break past all my lies / and you always gave me freedom to be open or to hide / never did you force your way, but i know you’ve tried / to offer me the type of peace and and everlasting joy / that i know i'll never find in any other boy /

as i stepped into tonight, i heard your voice calling to me / a gentle, sweet reminder that i am loved, that i am free / i watched you paint a masterpiece uniquely for my eyes / in the colours of the sunset, in the shades of the sky / i drive past all the flowers that you send me everyday / and read through your love letters where you shamelessly proclaim / i smile at each romantic gift you leave at my heart’s door / and lose myself in each embrace that makes my spirit soar /

as i stepped into tonight, i felt your hand holding my own / i felt you wrap yourself around my heart and prove i’m not alone / you spoke to me of all the gifts you’ve prepared and want to give / and all the love you want to show me each day that i live / and with each step i took i knew you were at my side / as my shield, as my protector, as my soldier, as my guide / and as i sit here dreaming what our future has in store / your whispers comfort me and remind you’ve planned more / sweet lover all these dreams of mine, i know you know so well / and whether these come true – i know time can only tell / but i see you in my future, just as you were in my past / because what you’ve offered me is one thing i know will last / eternal in its nature, in essence from above / my source of inspiration – my first and only LOVE.

thank you Jesus... my perfect boyfriend. =)

coleen-inspired

First: a luke-inspired quote:

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

And then.. a colloes-inspired stream of thought...

[i know]: lots about pointless things but very little about practical things.

[i want]: a house on top of a hill, in front of a church, on a quiet street. So my kids can go to church whenever, sit on tope of the roof to admire the view, and learn how to ride their bikes on our quiet street. =)

[i have]: ten fingers and ten toes, but only nine complete toe-nails... hahahaha... ah crap!

[i wish]: for the right person at the right time...

[i hate]: hurting

[i miss]: being able to make up stories and games the way i used to when i was a kid, playing for hours in the backyard with my bike and a tic-tac box... which became anything and everything, from a camera, a memory box to a key to a secret dimension...

[i fear]: forgetting the beauty of being young at heart.

[i search]: for love in all the wrong places. [or people!]

[i love]: God and the life He gave for me that I get to live TODAY!!

[i care]: deeply, completely and totally... especially for friends.

[i do not always]: floss my teeth. *ahem*

[i write]: pointless letters, difficult journal entries, opiniated essays and descriptive nonsense.

[i listen]: to wind flying, birds laughing, beeping car-horns and friends who like to scream my name and live its meaning!

[i can usually be found]: on top of the world.

Me Against the Breeze

This afternoon I was on my bed, in that place somewhere in the middle of conciousness.. sleep.. dreams.. druel and.. I swear I dreamt that my phone was ringing... then suddenly I'm dreaming of someone beeping past my house and screaming something that vaguely sounded like my name but really sounded like "JGCHJOOAAHHHAIIIY!!!"

And then I wake up to Roanne flicking on the bedroom light, it's 7-something PM, I find a missed call on my mobile and *kaboom!* it was really Ian. =)

Now I'm on the Net and I swear I should either have spent my night
a) swimming
b) going for a looong walk in a Summer-smelling evening
c) researching for my AHST209 tutorial paper or
d) SLEEPING

BLaRGHH!!!