| My Hawaiian Name is: |
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| My Superhero Profile |
 My Superhero Name is The Green Ranger My Superpower is Nanotechnology My Weakness is Frogs My Weapon is my Poison Pistol My Mode of Transportation is Pony |
| Gummy Bears |
 You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute. |
1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.
*******
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
*******
I found a crate of things from World Youth Day that I'd stashed under my bed when I got home from the trip and forgotten about - until tonight. A couple of painstaking hours of sorting resulted in a bulging purple photo album full of everything but photos - ticket stubs, boarding passes, postcards, toilet receipts (yes you lose a lot of Euros just because you need to empty your bladder), food coupons, train tickets, prayers from the gazillion churches and cathedrals that we visited, and the "We Will Rock You" program from London. And all of a sudden it's past 2am. How did that happen?
Now I'm figuring out what I'm going to do in my remaining five days. Lets see now...
- there's the filing that I just don't want to touch.
- getting ready for uni (i.e. buying my books... OR getting Nereus to buy my books)
- preparing the agenda for the SPY camp
- writing the Christmas/New Year edition of "inSPYrd" - my final editorial hoorah of my first every regular youth publication (exciting or depressing? I don't know...)
- Finish Edwin's "farewell" gift which was meant to be a Christmas gift but was delayed in its completion
- BAKE COOKIES
- Celebrate the New Year (hmm... no big plans.. anyone got suggestions?)
- Learn how to cook something other than cookies
- Apologise to my roomie for being such a bitch tonight. I don't think I've ever brushed her off like that... but I'm just sick of not having my own space. Nez warned me that since I'm going to have pah-lenty of space next year, I should be careful... but sometimes my emotions need to be breathe. And since I feel so suffocated every time I'm home, I try to escape as often as possible. I wonder how long it'll take me to get home sick next year??
- Write looong thank you letters to my mates. I found three letters that I got just before I left for WYD (actually, I received two before WYD... Ian's letter arrived on the cruise ship somewhere between Rhodes and Kusadasi c/o of Mush) - and suddenly I had heart-pains. Heart pains because I was never good at embracing change... and next year, it feels like a lot of things are gonna change.
Things not to forget to bring:
- Eeyore stuffed toy that reminds me fondly of the three boys that pitched in to buy it for me for Christmas last year... *sniff*
- A pillow
- A laundry basket
- Guitar picks
- My sanity
- Humility
Things to leave behind:
- Enormous collection of unnecessary handbags
- My comfort zones
- This awful fear that seems to be growing more and more everyday.
*******
Dear God, I feel like I'm waiting I've been standing on the pier for an awfully long time. I'm starting to get a bit sea-sick. I keep watching the waves with the hope that they carry me away... but at the same time I don't want to leave the safety of this harbour. I don't want to wave goodbye to the shores. But I promised I would... and I made that promise knowing that I'd be letting go of a lot. But why did it have to get harder? Why is there more to let go of now than there was when I made the choice to board this boat? Why couldn't I have just packed my belongings and all the strings attached to this heart of mine a month ago?
Please remind me that you're travelling with me. That you're holding my hand through all of this. That you and I are making this voyage together and there isn't a moment in this where I'm alone. Sometimes I feel suffocated... and at other times I feel so isolated. I feel like I've lost you in a crowd. I got distracted and let go of you, and now I'm wondering how I lost you and why I was stupid enough to let go. The discomfort and the panic is starting to sink in. I see familiar faces, I hear familiar voices... but right now... all I want is You.
Please take my hand again. Take me into your arms and let me crawl in there for a while so I can cry. If you want, feel free to carry me onto this boat... because I don't think I can walk onto it alone. My confidence is shaky, and I'm scared I'll lose you in the crowd again.
And that's just it... I don't want to lose You. I don't want to walk away from You. I want to hold onto You as tightly as I can, and take this journey with You. So please take my hand again. Take my heart and all its brokenness, its fears, its dreams, its hopes, its aspirations... and replace it with all that You want and all that You plan. Map out our voyage using Your directions. I'll let You choose the people who'll join us on this boat.
Please take my hand again. Please take me home.
Your Joy.
I don't really like giving advice. But people ask me for advice, and then I wonder why they heck they ask me because I don't even listen to myself when I'm supposed to... But here it is anyway: the advice I should have given me before I started walking down a path I knew led to a dead end... for the sake of those who are trying to avoid pot-holes and other such mishaps.
Be careful.
Be honest.
Be true to yourself and what you know you deserve.
Don't cut corners.
Don't compromise your dignity.
Don't say yes when your heart is hesitating.
Nothing is worth less than your best.
Tell the truth about who you are... even if you don't like it. God loves it.
For the true ability to give and get, you must learn to forgive and forget.
Sometimes the biggest risk is to take no risk at all.
There is only one thing that has lasted for all of eternity. Don't be stupid enough to love anything else with your entire heart.
Faithfulness is accomplishing a journey with little steps. Those who try to take giant leaps get tired and fall.
Understand and accept your weaknesses. Everyone has them.
Guard your heart - it beats the rhythm to your life.
See people too often forget that actions speak louder than words. So you can say that you care... but if you don't act like you care, then to hell with those words. Don't cheapen the English language by not acting on their meaning. It annoys the hell out of me. *sigh* I guess the thing is some people just don't think about how their actions could be interpreted.
I feel like a squashed spider tangled up in my own web.
I could have washed a small puppy with the amount of sweat that was dripping from my skin about five minutes ago... assuming that I had a puppy of course. And I doubt perspiration is very hygenic... but it seems that there is a sauna disguised as my bedroom upstairs, and it's not a very inviting place to be at the moment.
This heat makes the things on my to-do list somewhat difficult to achieve - instead of vacuuming the horribly dusty corners of that freaky space otherwise known as Under My Bed, I'm sitting directly under the airconditioning system in the computer room. And instead of packing, I've just transfered all the junk that was once upstairs in my sauna/bedroom into the living room. *sigh* And the trouble is figuring out just what I'm supposed to pack.
I just re-read Lydon's introductory letter to the mission team: Next year will be a fantastic year of mission, and it is really important to leave distractions behind, to focus on Jesus who will get us through, and help us fight the good fight.
So what counts as a "distraction" exactly? I can name a few... but not publicly. I'm having enough difficulty trying to un-kerfuffle the emotional overload that the Christmas season brought with it and left behind in my brain. Family. Friends. More-than-but-not-really-"just-friends". Work. YFC.
...My bedroom walls look bare and depressing. I'm one of those girls who like to cover walls with as much sentimental stuff as I possibly can to remind me of good times, hopeful eras and joyful moments. Now those sentimental belongings are in a box on top of my desk. Bible passages, inspirational quotes, photos, paintings. I was trying to decide whether or not to move my pin-board from this bedroom to the Clovelly bedroom, because it has my world map on it. Trying to figure out what to hang onto and what to let go of is a tough decision. For the past three days I've been muttering "simplify your life... simplify your life..." as I discard broken belongings, broken memories, and unnecessary items from the clutter that is my bedroom. Today I discovered three dried roses pinned to the sides of my whiteboard and totally forgot who had given them to me and for what occassion - a sure sign that they too now belong in the black garbage bag.
There's not much else I need to pack so I can cart them off to the mission house next week. But there is a lot of things I want to pack away and seal with heavy-duty duck tape. Like that ugly pile of filing that is now sitting on top of the organ. And my uni ... stuff. (I was about to write "uni crap" but that's just mean isn't it?) But I can't really pack that away just yet. I've got one more subject to go and that starts in less than three weeks. I guess the good news is that one month from now, I should have completed the last subject of my degree. Whoopteedoooo!!!
Then there's all my YFC files. Talk outlines. Reflections. Conference and retreat memorabilia. Photos. Activities and games archives. *sigh* I could dedicate a whole new blog to the life I had in YFC. I cried bucket-loads the night we had the West Upper Household Christmas party... not because I was sad... but because it finally hit me that I was letting go of something that has been an enormous part of my life since I was in 9th grade. This must be how to feels to donate an kidney or some other body organ. You know... give it up for bigger and better things, for the benefit of other people... despite the risks involved, the pain of the surgery, or permanent feeling that you're just not quite yourself anymore.
Then of course there's SPY. I was about to get teary on Christmas Eve, until I realised I must be the luckiest Youth Coordinator to be working with so many fun, faithful and talented people. And it's not the success of the group that makes my heart swell. It's seeing them learn how to love that makes me so happy. You know how rare it is to witness such profound changes? People walk past those miracles everyday. But I got to watch it, work with it and have it work in me for two and a half years. It'll kill me to pull down all those photos on my office door though. It's funny how attached I am... but if you meet these kids, you'll understand why.
The tide is changing in the life of joyous_skitz. My family doesn't seem to think this is a big deal since I can come back on weekends. But coming back home isn't particularly appealing since I'm hardly at home anyway... it's everything else that I'm saying goodbye to that will make 2006 so different. Studies, my youth group, my service, my job, my friends.
The things that once piled on top of a plate that people thought was so difficult to balance are all finally clearing away for a platter with a very different size and serving. Will I be left hungry? I doubt it... but I'm still freakin scared.
At least my room in Clovelly won't be so naked. ;o)
One of my favouritist things to do is to lie belly down on my bed and write. Or read. Or sleep. Anything that takes very little effort. At the moment Roanne is singing "A you're adorable, B you're so beautiful, C you're a cutie full of chaaarm..." Hahaha... thanks sis. You weirdo. That's why I love you and that's why we get along.
Recently I discovered the maddest play-friend neighbour who has just as much fun throwing pop-rocks on the ground as I do. =) I like people who I can have childish fun with. Soon I will introduce him to the magic of popping candy and Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. I think I shall call him Squishy. He's one of those people who I wanna chase around the backyard, bash up and laugh at - but only because he's fun to be around. There is one side of him that is childishly ignorant and vague, whilst another is maliciously in-the-know - and he uses his in-the-know powers to win fights against me. Yesterday he gave me the most incredulous look because of the uncanny level of excitement I had from a simple Toys R Us balloon. I explained to him that it doesn't take much to make me happy - give me 5 minutes of childhood memories and I will keep smiling for the entire day.
Another recent discovery (or really it was a re-discovery or re-realisation) is my theory of the source of most of our uncomfortability and frustration is that we just don't belong here. We weren't made to be here... we belong somewhere much better.
Perhaps that's why I find so much satisfaction when I think of being a kid again. Back at our old 1 storey house, my backyard was anything from my bike track to a Amazon forest, and 18th century town, a jungle full of fierce pagan warriors or even heaven (I do remember pretending that the clothes line was God's throne once...) Kids have the right idea when they play make-believe because it's like they're acting out the very instinct that they're not meant to be on this earth... that there's something more exciting and fantastic elsewhere, beyond our reach but very close to our fingertips.
I often wonder how God feels when he watches us try and try to make things more comfortable and more convenient for ourselves. Part of me thinks he is laughing at our futile attempts. Another part of me thinks he is heartbroken, because so many people don't realise that the answer to all our discomfort and frustration is going to be born in just under two weeks.
Anyway, back to this play friend of mine - Squishy. I swear this guy is hilarious. Cute and sometimes a bit on the quiet side... but mainly hilarious. Reminds me to keep things simple. To appreciate things like chocolate ice cream, enormous mangoes for dessert, and music by bands I haven't discovered yet.
I often wonder what will happen when this friend of mine grows up, and if things will be the same or feel the same when he realises that I'm in my twenties and still facinated by Disney movies and Widget the World Watcher. I wonder what he'll think of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when he turns 30. Or if he'll even remember those things of childhood. Like those bands you slapped onto your wrists, and hyper-colour t-shirts and the basketball ring in his backyard (one thing I always asked for but never actually got... what a shame!)
In the midst of our laughable conversations I ask him, "What on earth am I going to do with you?!" and he shyly replies with, "Uh...Pray?" And my heart melts and I smile and say a prayer about him growing up so one day I can give him hugs on the couch and we can watch TV without having to worry about what time he has to go home.
See the laughable (but award winning!) REV project.
Check out the guitarist and the student - they're my favourites.
Well done team... this won't be up for long, so for those who actually are interested... enjoy. Watch out coz you'll need your volume up and a fast d/load speed. Buhahaha...
It is soooo not cool when people ruin good moments and good conversations with unneccesary fits of rage and screaming. Today was a tiring, but altogether good day. Almost uglyfied by elder-sisterly complaints about things that don't need to be yelled about. *sigh*
So here's today's "perfect family moment" - my parents and I went to watch Harry Potter. Too bad siblings #2 and 3 weren't there, because that would've made it ultra-perfect. But yeah... I don't think I've ever watched a movie with my parents. So that's one tick on Joy's "wish list" right there. Yeah yeah... so that was on my wish list. Is that so weird? If it is, I'm not apologising - I like hanging with my paroes. But only when they're in a happy, childish mood. Unfortunately, that's a rare occassion. But I suppose rarity makes us appreciate these things more.
I realised last night that my life is very much akin to the beach. Perhaps that's why I enjoy trips there so much. Sometimes the waves are soft and gentle, and they curl onto the sand like a teasing invitation to test their depths. And at other times, when I foolishly wade into deeper waters, the waves drag me into overpowering currents, and I am suddenly ycaught in a rip without the necessary swimming skill to get mself out. There has only been one Life Guard strong enough to have braved all tides with me throughout my lifetime. I'm almost definite that I don't need to mention His name.
This morning I felt like a tsunami had drowned me in my sleep. My neck was aching and my muscles were stiff. And all I could think about was the amount of filing under my office desk. Yuck. But morning Mass and the McDonald's breakfast tradition lifted my spirits. (I'm sure the mocha with a double shot of chocolate had something to do with my energy too).
Right now the critical battery sign has popped up on my laptop so I should hit the sack and catch some zzzs. *rolls eyes at lack of originality*
I can't believe there are less than 3 weeks of 2006 left. How did it escape so quickly? Will next year roll by at full speed too? What will the waves have in store... and what will I leave behind on the safety of my shore? What harbour will I be docked on in 365 days? Only God knows...
Oh God... I'm so tired. I was never good at treading water, but now it feels like I'm stranded with no lifeboat and the seagulls are making ugly noises and circling me with the threat to poop on my head. =(
I realised I haven't been blogging because there have been real human ears to spend therapeautic venting time with. I listen to his lame jokes and he listens to my ridiculously childish stories that don't go anywhere. And like every other story on this blog, this entry has gone no-where.
Adios and good night!
My sisters gave my Mum the maddest Mother's Day present this year - a back massager. You know those cool things you see in electrical appliance stores and they invite you to have a free trial and you sit on the leather chair and it massages your back? Yeah... those things. So I'm sitting here in the dining room getting a full back and thigh massage. It's brilliant. That's what I call multi-tasking.
I've been telling Jonna all year that us girls should get full body massages... and I'm in the mood for one ay? It's been a hectic month since uni finished up. And I thought things would get quiter once I got over 2nd semester this year. But I was wrong BIG time! Hahaha... but don't take that as a complaint. Things have been the good type of busy - God's work - type of busy. :)
So what's been doin in the life of joyous_skitz? Today involved a spontaneous group outting with Suarez, Nez (welcome back btw!), Cheska, Pielle, Ryan & Jane to Lello's in Parra... mmm-mmm to lychee, kinder surprise, peanut butter fudge, nutella, taro, bailey's irish cream, blood orange, watermelon, mango, bubblegum and tira misu gelato. Big smiles to go around!!
You know I just realised these last few weeks have been filled with the maddest memories of childhood. The first experience was a couple of weeks ago on the way home from Canberra when we passed by McDonald's and I bought a Happy Meal. Discovered the coolest Happy Meal toys of all time - Transformers AND Care Bears. Just chuck in some Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles and that's my childhood right there. Haha... so I opted for the Care Bears Photo album. Good times in the car trying to figure out which Care Bear best suited the personalities of Bokyo, Victor, Gerry, Ryan and Kuya Vince.
A couple of days later was a shopping adventure for Ryan's presents. That was funny stuff... coz we DID discover Ninja Turtles candles in Coles. There were almost 20 balloons flying around the boot of the car on Monday morning. And then he busted me hiding cinnamon sugar in his pantry... that was hilarious. Later in the week, Eddoes bought a Happy Meal and gave a brilliant video demonstration of how to transform IronHide (sound effects included... and he's been singing the theme song all week... haha)
Then there was last night's SPY Christmas Party which WENT OFF!!
It was soooo much fun. I think preparing for it was part of the hilarity - first was the trip to Parra for Suarez's police man get-up. And his first experience of Cold Rock ice cream (which was an unfortunate waste because we were way too full to finish a double scoop after massive meals from Oportos).
Then there was the trip to Land of Oz with Ryan on Friday afternoon... and it took a while to get over the fact that he actually put on the entire Jedi outfit AND agreed to wear it. Good times! With the light saber and the hair, it was brilliant.
Then there was Jane's fairy outfit.... the rushed adventure to Spotlight, and the amount of late-night and Sunday lunch-time laughter and teasing that accompanied the creation of Fallout Boy's superhero outfit. I guess TIME mag was in the know when they published the article titled "And the geeks shall inherit the earth.." =)
So I spent a funny night with Disney characters, angels, horror movies freaks, punk rock stars, gypsies celebrities, two Santa Clauses, Zoro, a genie, Xena and even Austin Powers. :) I felt like I was in one of those make-believe games you play in your backyard on a Summer afternoon when you're five years old. (btw Fr Warren is the biggest poser of all time. Hahaha... nah, just kidding. But he loved it.)
So... Phil smsd me and I realised that's the last SPY night for the year. Or forever really... which is sad. Although last night I wasn't sad - I was happy. I saw how much the kids had grown, how much love they had for each other, how much its leaders have grown (and continue to grow!) and how much fun they have in each others' company. It makes me smile to know what God can do with open hearts and people who are willing to love. And that's just it... it's all about LOVE.
Sometimes people forget... but in the end, what's really gonna matter is loving - each other AND especially GOD - especially when it's difficult.
*sigh* Hey so I'm gonna miss these guys ay? And the hanging out, the pointlessness, the childishness, the remembering to keep it real - especially when there are a whole heap of things to get crappy about. The thing the peeves me with my older sisters is that they can really crappy about pointless things that don't need to be fussed over. It's a shame really... it's like they got too cool to have fun. But nothing beats being stupid with your friends. Time can't erase the feeling of being able walk around in red leather boots and jump around a stage in a blue cape singing praise songs, the light-saber fight between Zoro and Anakin, Wonder Woman bashing Fallout Boy with giant red punching gloves, and watching 50 Cent get arrested by Constable Suarez. I'm just hoping that even when I'm fifty years old, I'll still wanna get all dressed up and have fun... or at least make stupid costumes from my grand kids. Hahaha... at least I've already had experience making a cape ay? *wink wink*
Currently surrounded by:
- A dining room full of junk. And by junk I mean a 13 year old organ that no one plays because it sounds off-tune and awful, crates and containers full of things that should never have been kept for longer than five years, numerous CDs, empty boxes that belong in the recycling bin but always seem to find their way out, a bunch of resumes, candle sticks, old floppy disks (and I mean OLD... like the mega huge ones), and a broken silver picture holder-thingy that is holding photos that seriously need replacing.
- 3 apples and a banana
- Numerous family photo albums
- A naked Christmas tree
- Black leather office chair
- Board games
Hmm... so I need to clean and tidy up this living area. Although I don't see the point sometimes, because living life will always include mess... and the only real way to get rid of the mess is to get rid of the stuff that's making the mess - so go figure that one, because I live with a family of professional hoarders. It's only recently we've gathered the courage to let go of the things we were meant to throw out or give away half a decade ago.
I also need to take a shower... but that's not important.
The Christmas tree is in a different place this year. And it's naked except for the Christmas lights, which took forever to put up. I've decided that when I get my own place with my own Christmas tree, screw putting up garlands. I hate them - I can never do them evenly and whenever I try, they make the tree look depressed and confused.
And speaking of confused - that's where I am right now. Woke up this morning after having a very strange dream that involved girls and eggs (the ones you crack and eat, not the ones in your ovaries). After I got over the initial shock of my subconsciousness being able to come up with a dream that was just so weird, I ended up spending a whole hour sitting in my bed and writing in my diary about what turns out to be a very... tiring? weekend.
Because of the weekend, I have several people on "Hero" status at the moment:
- Fr Warren for fearlessly cleaning out the freezer after we discovered it had shortcircuited...and had about 200 sausages just sitting in there.
- Suarez for realising that it is cool to be a gentleman and unlock the car door for a girl before getting in the front seat.
- Eddoes for reaching his goal and eating the larger portion of last night's T-bone steak.
- Dom for his double-shift on a Sunday night and for the best glass of mango iced-tea anyone has ever made for me.
- My Dad.. because he just is a hero.
- Gemma, Lisa & Phil for getting up early on Sunday morning to help out with the fundraising BBQ.
*sigh* You guys rock and keep my smiling!
*****
*#!%&!!! The noodles had chilli in it. And now I'm sitting on my bed with an awful feeling in my mouth and my tummy... I swear I'm allergic to that stuff - nothing I've ever eaten makes me feel this swollen and headachey.
Right now I'm listening to "Soul to Soul" by Nu Flavour. This, without a doubt, has to be one of my all-time favourite songs, and has been since I discovered it in 8th grade. It's one of those songs that I put on repeat and lie in bed listening to when I feel the need to unwind and find my own little place to be at peace.
Tonight I went to confession, which is always the best way to start new and gain a good perspective on where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I've been thinking a lot about next year... about the decisions I've made about what I'll be doing next year... and I figure it's about time I take the leap and leave the past behind me, and let God take hold of all that's in the future.
I hope people understand that that is what I'm doing... and that's why I've chosen to let go of everything stable... because I know the only way I can function is by giving God the reigns. I know that doing so involves a lot of risks. I don't know if I'll make it the entire 2006 without my closest friends around me. I don't know if I'm cut out for hard-core full-time service. I don't know if I'll get along with all my team-mates. I don't know if the things I put on hold today will be around to pick up again 365 days later. But one thing I do know is that nothing is ever certain - it never has been and never will be. The only exception to that rule is God - who is the only one I can trust... and that's why I'm putting my dreams and desires in his hands.
I'm well aware of what I'm risking. But I do believe that the biggest risk is to take no risk at all... and despite all the rational arguments about why I shouldn't give up what I'm about to give up, I'm going to do it anyway - with or without the support of the people I love the most.
There is no risk when one risks everything for God...
On Sunday morning I woke up thinking about the people and the places that I won't get to see everyday. And I thought about the changes that will challenge me... about the homesickness, about the things I will enviously miss out on... about the adventures that won't include me.. about the memories that will be written without me... and I thought that I could start regretting the decison (because there are a few people who still don't understand why I'm doing this and have tried to make me regret...) but then I prayed... and God put his arms around my fearful heart... and brought it back to His peace that I am certain will carry me through any trials that will come my way. I don't regret, and I won't regret because I know God will be scripting His own adventure in my life, He'll be creating a new home for me, and my dreams will soon be a reality of unforgettable memories... 2006 will flash by like a blink of an eye, just as 2005 has.
It is one month until Christmas day.
A piece of newspaper, at my feet
We go blowing down the street
Got our stories, old and new
Need someone to tell them to
We don't have to see eye to eye
Or face to face
I'm not asking for miracles
No saving grace
And I don't need another heart
To have and hold
All I want is a friend that I can talk to
Soul to soul...
Like an old book on a shelf
Tired of talking to myself
I'm wishin somebody passing by
Would pick me up and look inside...
...I just call and there you are
Shining on me like a star... shining down
Smile in my direction in the night
And I'll feel your light...
[soul to soul - nu flavour]
My mum is listening to The Carpenters downstairs at full volume. I think it's cute.
I'm in the weirdest mood... and crap - I just realised that there's a bowl of 3 minute noodles on the coffee table that has been sitting there for waaaay more than 3 minutes. Crap I should go get'em - that's my dinner...
What does one write in a critical appraisal when they're pissed off at everyone including themselves? This is the final step for me this semester, and I can't seem to lift my feet and do it because just thinking about our major project pisses me off. I think about how much it sucks, how much it could've been better, how I could've put more effort into leading the group and blah blah blah. Basically there is very little to praise, but a hellavalot to criticise.
Aron says: take it as a learning experience. This is what happens when you don't give your all.
True true - very wise words Master Jedi. I was reading letters from old friends yesterday. Laughing at some statements, cringing at some promises, and smiling at what once was strong, committed and very naive "love." I asked myself: "What the heck happened?" We used to write emails all the time. We visited each other, hung out, talked about really stupid things for hours on end, and shared the deepest darkest secrets. We used to pray together, have worships, go on pointless adventures and quests... we were best friends! What happened?
And then the answer rings loud and clear: This is what happens when you don't give your all.
It's an ugly feeling, when you think "What if I'd tried harder? What if I had given everything?"
And then I ask myself why I didn't try my best back then, and the answers usually don't seem justified. In the case of this major, I think I just stopped caring. But now I do care... and it's too late to fix the damage. How depressing. So now I need to start this thing. It's not due til Friday, but I refuse to be riddled with the guilt of leaving it to the last minute. I want to be free....
I feel though, that the problem isn't my fault... but I still have to cop the hurt for it. Man - why is that? Why do I have to pick up the broken pieces after people drop what they promised they'd carry? Why can't people just be responsible and is it ok if... just for a short while... I don't have to be?
Ok so I've been sitting here for a while. It never ceases to amaze me what length I will go to find something new to do - totally not uni-related and non-assignment-related. Like today was a perfect opportunity to get this blasted major finished, but this afternoon consisted of falling asleep amongst open library books and then rummaging through a plastic crate of high school items and reading old letters.
Now it's already Sunday night; and my word count is down from 1300 to 0. Gargh! How did that happen? Don't ask. But I'm just glad because at this time tomorrow... it'll be over. =p whooptiedoo!
Ok ok... stop procrastinating Joy!
So the crux of my argument will be found somewhere amongst this convolution:
It's no secret that Western society is being hammered with the anti-terrorism doctrine. It's all over the mass media - in our news broadcasts, radio commentaries, web sites, music, school curriculum and government policy.
But the terror that we are being told to fear and avoid is not limited to the ignorant definition of hi-jackers, suicide bombers and the over-zealous religious fundamentalist. The fear that we are being fed is the fear that drives us and our development – it’s the fear of not being good enough. We fear being ill-equipped for what is to come. We need the latest information, the latest gossip, the latest trend, the latest ideas and most importantly – the latest identity.
While some theorists will argue that technology fosters and encourages unification by transcending the barriers of space and time, I argue that technology has done more to leave individuals feeling more fragmented and confused about who we are. We are left feeling terrified that we don’t have what it takes to be ourselves.
What? Sorry? Don’t get the jist? Look around at the marketing and advertising messages that fill the margins on our web browser and the 15 minutes of “preview time” before the movie starts. Buy this brand. Purchase this phone. Try this mp3 player. If you want to be successful, you will have that. If you want to be up there with the greatest business men, then you will drive this car. If you want your life to be good, you will use this refrigerator and that flatscreen tv. Boys will come running when you adopt her style. Girls will fall for you if you wear that cologne. By having the best, we will be the best.
We are obsessed with being better than… who? What? It doesn’t really matter who the scapegoat is – we just want to be better than it.
Our sense of self and value doesn’t end at the commodities we purchase either. We make sure the world knows that we are better.
Our identity us created and manipulated, strained and changed, conjured and altered at the tips of our fingers. Who am I? Deconstruct my MSN nickname. Find me @hotmail.com. Browse through my Friendster profiles. Read the blog and testimonials. Count the friends I have and check the photos that I post. Enter my world. Enter my space. Enter my cyberspace.
We are obsessed with being connected. By sharing our thoughts, our possessions, our opinions, or photos, our ideas – we share our lives… and create them. The persona on Friendster is different to the persona @youroffice_or_employee_inbox.com. The conversation between you and the rest of the world via Blogspot.com will reveal a different persona to that found between the 1-2-1 conversation between your best friend and the you on your Nokia mobile phone. There are hundreds of different Yous. Fragments overlap, but in essence each time technology allows you to connect with someone new, a new you is created.
So which you is the real you? Or are they all real? I dunno - you tell me. Which you is the one that's good enough? Marketing and advertising will tell us that none of them are. So we try harder. Buy more things, make more "me's." In the process, what was once private becomes public and we evolve into a voyueristic society where surveillance is no longer seen as a threat, but rather a chance to display onceself under the gaze of others with a desperate hope for approval.
The fear that we are being fed is the fear that drives us and our development – it’s the fear of not being good enough.
You may think that this argument is far too cynical. Surely there are advantages to technological, communication and information development that I'm not addressing. Yes, you're right - but it doesn't change the sadness of our situation.
We will rejoice over the abundance of choice now available to us. Whether it is cars, commodities, computers or consciences... but just remember that is was free will that confused us and stuffed us up in the first place. =P
It's funny... I always seem to do the worst things best. Like... I'm the best at procrastinating. I'm the best at being complicated. I'm the best at leaving things to the very last minute. I'm the best at confusing people. I'm the best at drinking coffee at the worst time of the day.
Hahahaha... but who cares?!
Hey so I have vain sunflower wearing green Chucks hanging on my bedroom mirror. It's got the funniest smile - a smile so big that its eyes are closed. And I was drawing on my mirror with coloured highlighters about five minues ago. And tabbing my library books about five minutes before that. Attempted to watch the end of "The Incredibles" on my broken TV about five minutes before that. And... was actually working on my assig. about five minutes before all that.
I figure I'll call it quits on this essay at about 2am - if I make it that far. I totally bludged off today... hahaha.... but I'm not complaining. Being in the company of my hh is a total crack-up. If the four people who were watching Aladdin today started a band, I'd call it "Something for Jane." Hahahaa... AY?
New Scientist ran a special issue on "Creativity" the other week. After having read it, I realised I have very little. How depressing.
So here's a question I'll throw out there to the general public: If you had a band, what weird names would you call it?
At the moment my favourite suggestions have included "No Through Road," and "Docile Violation." I just thought of one that I'd dedicated to Ryan: "Sheeps and Fishes." Ok... your turn!
(Thought this might motivate all those students dying from exams and what not... and if it's not exams, whatever angst you're going through...)
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfilment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfilment of your fall.
Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.
I've allowed myself a bit of a break before I get stuck into my 3rd storyboard for the evening.
Did a strange thing five minutes go. Went to boil some water for a cup of coffee, walked upstairs while the kettle was boiling to brush my teeth? Ewww man. Coffee after toothpaste is one of the WORST mixes EVER. So what's with at? Just goes to show I'm sleepy. It's past 1am.
Had a lovely power nap on the couch at about 6:30pm.
I realised that this would be the very thing that a character like Rei Phuong would do - she'd stay up to the ridiculous hours of the night finishing off an assignment.
On a totally pointless note, I've been singing the first 2 words of "Heaven Is A Place On Earth," randomly over the past three weeks. Out of no where I'll belt out, "ooh baby..." and because I didn't know which song that particular line came from, I couldn't keep going. But then I heard it on 106.5 FM today on the way to uni and realised that it was Cindy Lauper's voice in my head all that time... yeeshk!
And another thing; my roomy and my Dad walk down the stairs similarly now. used to know it was my Dad approaching just by how he walked down the stairs... but now I can't tell. Not that that's important; but I thought I'd get that out as well.
It's late. I wonder if I lie down on the couch, if I'll manage to get up within two hours. HAHA. Yeah right ay!
In the labs with a #)!%&load of work to do. Didn't feel like lunch, so my so-called lunch break involved a 17minute conversation with Amardeep, enrolling my my Vacation Unit at MCSI (yes, I'm doing a Summer subject! Go me!), deciding to jig my 2pm lecture (because if he hasn't taught me anything useful this entire sem, what makes me think he'll pull through at the last minute???), and buying a $1 Lime COKE from a Korean guy from a Korean club. Nice huh?
Hmm... I'm procastinating again. And you know what? I shouldn't be because I know the next 24 hours will involve my semester tradition of pulling a marvellous all-nighter. Why am I not surprised that I'm gonna pulling together the loose strands of this major work two days before it's due date? Haahaa... and why do I pretend that I'm the slightest bit peeved? I saw this coming - so there you go... Hahaha... Ah well - I'm not fussed. I haven't pulled an all-nighter yet (not this sem anyway) so the ritual MUST not be ignored - it must be performed with style and grace.
So this week... this week is gonna be the fastest and most annoying week of the month of November. This week is tutorial analysis, major work, class presentation, critical appraisal and then major essay. But this time next week (I hope) I'll be FREE. FREE FREE FREE! Free as a bird until January some time. =P
But you know what? Right now... I'm HAPPY. HAPPY. DOCILE. AT PEACE. Laughing at myself and smirking constantly because every now and again, I remember something stupid that happened this weekend and want to laugh, but instead I think, "THANK YOU GOD," for pulling me through what could've been an emotional breakdown.
Since last Thursday's mishap of a sook, I've experienced:
- God's presence at the FFD. YAY! Praise God.
- Tinkering on the keys at a grand piano and playing praise songs til the late hours of a Friday evening.
- Feeling whispers at my heart through the words of friends (and some strangers) that affirmed me never to lose hope... even when you can't see it.
- A change of perspective.
- A chick-flick with my mission partz. What a dag... buhahaha - and stop telling everyone I chose that movie, coz you know I didn't!!! But yeh... the new HOYTS smells like stale new-car-smell.
- My monthly dose of early morning Mass... with a lot of giggles and embarrassment. Royce is wonderful - he reminded me: God is happy even with the smallest offerings.
- Breakfast at Lukes! WOW! We haven't done that in AGES!! And it was the maddest brekky ever... cooked with love by Cres and Lukage: pandesal, mi goreng, eggs and NZ butter. Mmmmm-mmmmm....
- A chick-flick with Suarez and Eddoes. Now how the heck did you guys fall for that one? Hahaha.. and I'm sorry but YES I did cry, and NO I'm NOT embarrassed BUT YES I did hide behind a pillow at the end of the movie. Hahaha...
- Spontaneous 1-2-1 dinner which reminded me of the simple pleasures of life: faith, simplicity, God, friendship, honesty, prawn pizza and fulfilling Italian food.
Having said all that... I am officially BLESSED.
I'm a sucker for a lot of things - rainbows, walking weather, gifts on no particular occassion, the perfect bouquet of colourful tulips, taking artistic photos, collecting funny postcards, staying up on a hot night to look at old diary entries, being seranaded... I'm a romantic, and I apologise for being such a sop.
At the moment I am trying to get over a headache that came around about a month ago and hasn't left since. It comes and goes, fades in and out - but it's always there, like a splinter lodged between the left and right hemisphere. Today it came back after the sixth hour of staring at the computer screen. *sigh* The Headache likes to feed on my best ideas, most creative thoughts and has officially sucked the life out of me.
Over the week I have realised that I am such an idiot because I always end up taking stupid risks without thinking much about the consequences. This is part of my personality that makes me either inspiring or vulnerable... but rarely both at the same time. The primary feeling that I encounter more often is stupid vulnerability. And I hate it... because it's humiliating and makes me want to puke.
Like tonight my Mum asked me what the g-o is with the man (or men) in my life. And all I could say was, "I dunno." And it wasn't the teenage-angst get-away-from-me-i-don't-wanna-disclose-embarrasing-details-to-you-coz-you're-my-mum type of "I dunno" - it was the real answer to a very real question: because I JUST DON'T KNOW what the hell is going on. I wish I did have an answer for her, because she hardly ever asks about anything going on in my life - she's always asking about my sisters... so tonight was a rare moment and I'm kind of annoyed because I wanted to know the answer just as much (if not more) than she did.
And there it is: my need to know the answer. It gets in me in so much trouble.
"Love is patient." *sigh* For someone who has read so many books on the topic, I'm absolutely pathetic at practicing the first virtue concerning love. Patience. Yeeshk.
Pardon me for venting such frustrations. I guess the fear has finally caught up with me. It's been a few months of having my head in the clouds; and now my heart is in the history books.
And that's what freaks me out... what if I can't change? What if I'm destined to be the person that I was six years ago? Because it feels like every time I try to change... it comes creeping back. And no matter how much I lift up the brokenness, the hurts and the frustration to God... the people who I love the most are the people who seem to end up hurting me the most. Why is that? When will this cycle end?
I used to believe that cynicism would save me from the pain when I fell. I was right... but only for a while. Now I just feel like I'm walking on the same type of glass that cut my feet back during year 12. !$)&*#@^!
I just want to get over this and move on.
"Love is patient." Oh Lord... please teach me how to love.
Status report: In the dining room, home alone and appreciating this gorgeous Spring day by sporting black shorts and a green boob tube. Craving a Mango WEIS bar.
Breakfast Menu: Chocolate ice cream and pandesal. (very nutricious...)
Lunch Menu: Potato bake, Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, and Apple & Guava juice.
My hair is wirey - the way it would be if I'd spent a week at the pool, only I haven't been swimming in a public pool in over 8 months... so I dunno what the g-0 is there... And here i am; just sent at e-mail out RE: tomorrow's FFD which starts at 7pm (for those in the area: come join us; it'll be awesome!)
I'd just like to say: my life is testimony to answered prayers. When I blogged at uni yesterday, I wrote something along the lines of:
I was walking to the SAM shop this morning and realised it was a dangerous day to wear a skirt (the Spring-time breeze... hmmm...). So I heard a voice in my head say, "God... please clear the sky and make it sunny." And another voice replied and said; "Joy, I already got you out of bed... that's enough miracles for the day."
You know what happened? The sun came out... and it was brilliantly sunny. So sunny that I wanted to jump into the nearest fridge and snooze there for a few hours. But the point is: the sky was cleared and suddenly, it was sunny. What a miracle! =) Is God the BEST or what? I'm not saying the weather revolves around me... hahaha... although I did wake up this morning and felt like the sky was painted blue just for me. Because I love sky blue... and this is just one of those perfect ice-cream-weather days that would made for a perfect excuse to go for a drive to "Notting Hill" and watch the world pass by.
Strange because I was in such a weird mood yesterday... but today I'm ok. Today, I'm what Anthony would call "emotionally docile" - I'm not delirious and moody... which apparently I was during lunch yesterday. Maybe it was the girl-talk with Jonna that changed my perspective on things. Or maybe it was the steak and salad from the SAM bar. Or maybe it was the visit and the laughing, and the over-the-phone prayers last night.
Yesterday I realised that one of the friends I've been hanging with lately is lot funnier than I used to think he was - but maybe it's because my sister and I are so easily amused. =p It makes me smile when I think about how much one person can make me laugh... and how nice it is that are people in my life who always seem to bring me back to reality. And my reality isn't a sad or depressing reality... it's a faithful reality - which I quite like.
I've been re-reading books on my shelf instead of reading the new ones that I've bought. Yesterday morning, I came across a quote from St Andrew that struck me again (I say "again" because it obviously struck me the first time, since I highlighted it) -
"I would not have preached about the glory of the cross of Jesus if I were also not willing to die upon it!"
I thought that was beautiful and powerful stuff - he had said it in reply to a governor who threatened to crucify him if he didn't stop preaching the message of Jesus. I think it's strange that we so often look for something better than what we have, or try to be better than what we are - yet we're adamant about holding onto everything we have or are. I realised the only way to experience the best is to give up the worst - to let go of our own lives and adopt that of Another, more beautiful, more exciting and more fulfilling...
I'll admit that sacrifice is not the most exciting of things to experience - we're not taught to delay gratification very often in today's "give-it-to-me-baby" culture - but I still believe that it's important to do things right. To do things in the best way we know how.
"If you really desire to one day discover the 'beautiful side of love,' you have to first walk through the 'painful side.' Just like pouring concrete is not the exciting part of building a house yet it is the essential part, the same is true with building a magnificent romance. Laying your life down is not the fun and enjoyable part: it's the essential part."
