good old quiet fridays...

Well, my body's telling me "Sorry Joy, but I've had it."
I've officially made it to this week's sick list. Candles are lit... I'm wearing two jumpers, and have three blankets covering my exhausted legs... and my man made me chicken & corn soup and lemon flavoured green tea for dinner today.
(So in anwer to your question Amardeep... yes I'm in love, and yes it's disguting, and yes I'm completely comfortable with it. Hah!)
Marijana (from work) got me to re-tell the "meeting the boyfriend" story during Steve's farewell & afternoon tea today. It's an odd story to tell... seeing as I find it hard to accept most of the time. What were you thinking God? Were you really weaving this plot line throughout my entire existence? Did you really know that I'd develop an enormous crush on the geek who I used to want to set up my older sister with? (I can publish that because he knows this and I tease him about it all the time). When I think about it, I laugh... at how much I denied liking the poor guy... and how much we had to hide from each other during our trip to Europe... and then how it all unfolded in the months after..

ANYWAY. Oh God, shut me up. Puke puke puke.

So... Friday night. Sick. Yuck. Hoping for a restful weekend...

It's been a killer week - short attention span and even shorter temper. In desperate desire for a looong holiday. Maybe I'll get a massage tomorrow. Pfft - yeah right.

I can only hope ay?

what day? its what??

May has been obliterated from my radar. For the past two weeks, I feel like I've been on the go non-stop, and right now I'm typing this lying down on my bed: I am absolutely knackered.
The good thing is I'm knackered but not completely down about it. I've enjoyed the last fifteen days of mayhem. The work has been enjoyable... and fruitful. And despite the permanent dark circles that now frame my naturally droopy eyes, I am.. grateful.

The bad thing is that neighbour's dog still won't shup up.

I'm trying to think of what I could write about, but the real question is, where do I even begin?
How's work? Same old, same old. Missing Sr B... and wishing I had some female company on the team. Also wishing I didn't have to re-explain myself every five minutes, but I suppose open, verbal communication was never my forte. I'm much more akin to writing things down or making things up. I've also been trained to figure things out on my own before I go nagging someone for help. Not that anyone nags... but when my mind is busy racing from one task to the next, anyone asking for anything feels like a nag.
On the bright side, I feel quite accomplished. I did a few days of filming the other week; scored some really inspiring (funny, entertaining and... unpolished) interviews from the real "modern-day-pilgrim". Also scored some really cool feedback about the video I produced from the footage filmed. Got to experience one of the biggest privileges and perks since I started working at WYD08 - and that's standing in a room full of CEOs and still being allowed to be completely genuine about every minute of my 15minute presentation (which was only accomplished thanks to the graceful and beautiful Selina Hasham).

How's the rest of your life? What is the rest of my life? I mean seriously... there isn't much going on apart from my work (which is my service, my passion, my spare time, and my hobby all rolled into one). Well, there's the boyfriend of course - can't ommit that pretty significant area of my existence. God, you sure did a good job on this guy. I should probably say thanks to his parents too... they raised a boy who is learning to be a man. And what a loving, faithful, dedicated man he is. Cliches aside, this guy's got the goods. He knows when to call, he knows when to bring over new episodes of Heroes, he knows when to surprise me with chocolate fudge brownies, how to sit through an Opera at the Concert Hall without making me feel guilty for asking him to come with me, how to make me laugh, how to prove that snuggling on the couch is the cure for any bad day, how to be there when I need support (technical, emotional, spiritual or otherwise), how to teach me what "being considerate" is... the list is growing... eternally. And I love it. Love him too, now that I think about it.

Hmm... family ain't bad either. I miss Rina, who's moved into a new place. Curious to know what life must be like for her atm. Excited for Annabelle and Chu. Falling in love with Caitlyn over and over again, and enjoying the love of her, Jean and Mark. Grateful for my Dad who supplies me with sandwiches for breakfast on my way to work. Wondering if my Mum will ever engage in a conversation with me that doesn't involve my feeling guilty for something. Enjoying Roanne's thoughts and conversations in the bathroom. I love'em all... but hardly see them.

Randomly... I've been into candles lately. Well... I developed my love for candles a while ago, and the use of them peaked last year - especially during my long bath session at CYS house. These days I find myself lighting one or two just before I go to sleep... I spend a few moments just staring into the flame. I still think about last year's "candle revelation" - how such a small object can still be a vehicle for such awesome power.

A candle must yield in order to contain a flame. It's gotta be willing to get burned.

In many ways I've wondered how willing I am to surrender. Can I do what Abraham did and sacrifice my Isaac? Can I be as humble and obedient as Noah to the point of ridicule? Can I accept grace as David did in the midst of his mistakes? Can I live as Mary lived, existing solely for the glory of Christ, to the point of Calvary and beyond?

Who knows. Only time can tell.

And this thing called "time"... oh my, how it rushes by.

waiting waiting waiting...

Computers... God love 'em. My boyfriend sure does, but I'm not sure I'm inclined to give them the same level of affection. Perhaps it's me, and not the computer, but I'm telling you my laptop always decides to slow down the day before a 9am deadline.

And that's what I've got, ladies and gentlemen; a 9am deadline.

To equip me for this wonderful all-nighter that I am destined to pull (yet again), beside me lies a jar of Nutella, a box full of Lindt chocolates (God bless Edwin), a bag of almonds, and a bottle of Coke. (and today's $289 splurge on a WACOM graphics tablet... yeah!)

And no, I'm not procrastinating. I'm trying to get a DVD burnt for Mark (whose birthday happens to be today).. and the RAM on this HP is slowly fizzing away, purring into its usual status: a crawl.

On a much more positive note, I think I'm slowly easing out of this rut. I'm a bit apprehensive about writing that, since I'm prone to jinxing myself... but enough of that pagan rubbish. No jinxes here: God's infinite mercy and grace is at work.

Eeecckkkkshhhh... I'm beginning to cringe at my own Christian jargon. I don't mean to say that as if my words are empty... but I wish there were better ways of expressing just what it is that God is doing in my life. I guess the problem is it's still all a mystery to me... which is probably the reason why I can't effectively write about it. Give me a month or two... I'll look back in retrospect and know why I had to get dragged through what feels like a year worth of *!^(!*#. Can't preach about it til you've experienced it I suppose.

On the work note... time is ticking away... and I don't feel any closer to having finished this video. Why is that?

Hmmm... what to type, what to type?

Well... I had a pretty awesome weekend. Had a tear or two on Saturday night... (exhaustion gets me so emotional - I hate it), but all in all, it was great.

:: Watched Guy Sebastian at the Opera House on Friday night with Eddoes... he bought me the tickets as a surprise after I'd said I was way too broke to afford tickets to the show. And I luuuurved it!! Not only did I sit there letting the Philharmonic Orchestra seduce my eardrums, Guy Sebastians voice made me melt in my seat! Poor Eddoes... had to sit there listening to me sigh with admiration as my favourite Aussie Idol blew me away with gospel songs, all his top album hits, and his unbelievably romantic tributes to Nat King Cole... my hope is I'll meet him in a few months and ask him to sing at my wedding... (hold on.. what wedding?)

:: Saturday morning... drove to Sizzler in Carramar with Ivy, Cheche and Nina, and the rest of Edwin's family. Stuffed my face with steak, salt & pepper calamari and mashed potato... :)

:: Saturday afternoon was a fun and fulfilling WYD Presentation with the CWL - all of which were supportive and absolutely beautiful. God bless them... they won't know just how thankful I am for making me feel like my job was worth doing - even if it meant missing dessert at my boyfriend's birthday lunch, just to get to the venue on time.

:: Saturday night - Roanne & Nina ventured to Hordern Pav to watch Dave Matthew Band, while Eddoes & I scored free ice-cream and coke at the Entertainment Quarter before we watched Spiderman 3. Awesome movie, nice company... and much like the night before, I fell into deep sleep on the drive home.

:: Sunday - a sweet and thoroughly entertaining celebration of Jonna & Redell's engagement. Those two are so sickeningly in love it's gorgeous! And the advice that all the people wrote on their boards was pretty good... (might apply it all now, even though I'm no where near getting married). Catching up with the usual YFC/SFC crowd was good fun - it always is with Ian, Nez, Sav, Edz, Tree, Mary, Aimelle, EJ, Harry, Ryan, Jane... hmmm... there's a hellavalot of people I've forgotten to list - but I'm sure you won't get offended.

:: Sunday night - a sad but uplifting moment.. seeing hundreds (and I do mean hundreds) of people from our Parish Community stick around after Mass to farewell the best priest of all time: Fr Warren Edwards. No joke.. this is the man that introduced me to a full and profound appreciation for our Church, God's clergy, and everything I've learned about youth ministry in the last 4 years. He is unbelievably passionate, down-to-earth, holy, real and one of the most sefless men of God I've met. I could go on and on and on about what type of love he deserves... but not here: he deserves to hear/see it.

I'll just say it was great to see SPY again - it always is. They make me laugh, give me hugs, witness God's love in his young people... *sigh* if I could've stay 20 and been a parish youth worker all my life, I probably would've - it's by far that best job I think I'll ever have...

And that concluded what was a pretty eventful and awesome weekend...

Oh.. and the DVD's done! Woohoo!

the how-tos of a successful relationship | part 3 | (yeah right)

Don't ask me why or how I managed to get so bloody sensitive. It must've been something that happened last year, because I swear I was a lot less... emotional... in 2005. Perhaps (as is with many people), I have an undiscovered wound that has yet to heal... and unfortunately can't heal until it is discovered. Or maybe I was an optimist back then, but now I am a cynic. Cynical, sarcastic, critical... and just... hurting?

**

We talked tonight. You can ignore the previous blog now, because we fixed things. I realised that despite our differences (no matter how frustrating they may be at this early stage of our relationship), Edwin and I are together - and that's that. Grateful as I am for his persistence in reassuring me that he's in this for the long haul, I can't help but wonder how we will survive if he and I don't value the same things in a relationship... and then he gently and humbly reminds me that he - a young man who's lived a good 23 (almost 24) years of his life independently - is only learning now what it really means to care for someone else; to be in a relationship that requires more than mere interest, but his commitment and... well... love. And even though his learning curves often mean disappointing or hurting me, I know that if I love him then I'll let him learn.

"Love is patient." The first requirement of love in St Paul's epistle and I can't even tick it off.

And I've had another revelation about the change in character. I mean, I've always been a romantic at heart. No matter how much I say I spew over mush and affection and being called "baby" (which still makes me laugh so hard that my sides hurt), I know that I love the ideal of love. I love Love. This is a character flaw which has led to many heartbreaks and stumbles, but hey - I've known it all along.

What I didn't know, though, was that I capable of being the type of girl I promised I'd never be: jealous, demanding, sensitive and... God-forbid... giver of the silent-treatment. And yet all these traits have shown themselves on more than several occassion in the last four months. What the hell got into me???

Is it really because the idealist in me was so badly bruised that the cynic has taken permanent residence in my personality? Can the bruises heal, or will I forever be jaded? I'd like to believe in a pure, lasting, and beautiful love... but can't help but fear the disappointment of reaching for a star only to find it no longer exists.

I believe all my doubts and insecurities are unleashed at Edwin, even though they've only blossomed because so many other things in my life have come to such a bitterly disappointing "slap-in-the-face-and-splash-your-face-with-a-bucket-of-ice-water" ending - and I'm terrified that we too will reach the same conclusion/finale. I know he tells me I shouldn't think like that... but I won't lie - I am scared.

Like I said to Amardeep on the way home from today's catch-up with Andrew Moody and Cobey: It's like I turned this over and over in my mind so many times, allowing the dreams and fantasies to build; only to find the reality of the situation thoroughly unsatisfying to the point of tears. (I was referring to my job by the way, not my relationship with Edwin)

For years I allowed myself to believe that I was destined to work full-time in youth ministry, only to find myself burnt out and unequipped for the journey only a few months after beginning it. All those years I built it up in my mind, my heart blinded with the desire and the goal to serve, serve and serve some more... and now that I'm here and finally doing it... I can't do it. I told Amardeep the irony was that the moment I started getting paid to do what I loved the most, I began to hate it. Funny that...

And here I am, sitting on my bed, all snuggled up in my pyjamas, and I can't help but get depressed because I feel so unaccomplished. I knew it was blunt truth that the Joy that Andrew taught 5 years ago in senior high school hasn't changed at all: I'm still a lost idealist with no idea what I want to do with my life or my career or my future. All I know is that if I stay exactly where I am now for any longer than I promised I would... I would end up going mental.

I also know that my desire to leave this place is growing even more and more fervent. It's not because I want to escape. It's because I know that if I leave, then I can look back at this very spot and for once see it from an outsiders/objective viewpoint, and realise that it ain't so bad. That I'm not unaccomplished, or that I'm not turning into the girlfriend I told myself never to be. I'm just in the painful process of growing up.

"Why so downcast, oh my soul, put thy hope in God..."
Psalm 42

a poll on disappointment

We've moved offices and it's freezing down here. On a few positive notes, I get a window, and we're one floor below the chapel.
I'm tired. Slightly disappointed. I think I need to go and pray.

Tell me what's worse:
a) You're boyfriend forgetting your anniversary OR
b) You're boyfriend knowing it was your anniversary but deciding that there's no need to see each other or celebrate.

I can't figure it out. I don't know when this all started mattering to me, but I really do think that the first is much better. At least with option (a) it was just a slip of the mind. I could justify forgetfulness because he might be busy, not feeling well.. or had other things on his mind. But deciding the occassion just isn't important enough to even see each other? A brief visit? 5 minutes? A hug?

Nope... none of that. Just an e-card sent via email.
Well... I can't complain about the card: granted it was cute and thoughtful. But I always thought e-cards were the type of thing you sent to acquaintances who lived interstate or overseas.

Not to your girlfriend who lives 1km away.

Boys, take heed. Remember that blog post from millennia ago, when I mentioned how much girls want to feel loved, cherished and irreplaceable? Just because you've got her "yes" and don't have to wonder whether or not you've got her, don't think that desire we all have decreases. If anything, now that we've given our yes to you, we'd like to be constantly reminded that we didn't make a mistake by giving you the green light.

i'm on a train | with no one driving

I chucked a sicky today. Not a fake one - a real one.
Woke up with my head aching, the neighbour's dog barking, my forehead sweating and a sore back.
Not a fun Monday morning. Still tossing up if it's worth going to work tomorrow.. but I kind of think I have to. Yuck.

Incoherent | (excerpt 001)

AT FIRST, IT SOUNDED like it was coming from the neighbour's house. Within two seconds it sounded as though it was erupting inside her skull - the rhythmic rattling on her bedside table and invading sound of her mobile's alarm clock. She slapped it, hoping that the palm of her hand had somehow struck the snooze button.

Friday. Already? How?

Her eyes wouldn't open. She was stuck in the limbo between the tiring reality of having to get out of bed, and the tiring nightmare she'd had while she was in bed. Seriously... there really is no escape from this.

She finally surrendered, dragging her exhausted body out from under the mess of blankets, mentally refusing to tidy them up. In the shower, her eyes were closed and she stood there, shivering and shaking, despite the steam fogging up the shower.

Shit. She stood in front of her wardrobe, naked, hair dripping, staring at her vast assortment of clothes. I really don't have the energy for this. The once simple task of choosing what to wear to work was already overworking her brain. And it was already 7:56. She was already meant to be on the motorway. 56 minutes ago. She carefully applied her make up. She used to be against this sort of thing - daily make up. But lately it had become more necessary - puffy eyes were not a flattering look. And looking nice was one of the few luxuries she still had to look forward to.

To her relief, apart from getting beeped at for not checking her blind spot, there was little to be stressed about during the drive to work. She breezed through the door with a brilliant smile on her face, said a chirpy goodmorning to those in her office awake enough to hear her, and put her bags down. Immediately, the phone rang.

She spoke excitedly and laughed loudly on the phone while the new emails began to flash up on the screen before her.

"I completely understand!" She said, brightly, "Of course, I'll email the latest copy to you straight away... yup... clicking 'send' right now... thank you Brendan... it's always my pleasure..." (laughter) "Yes, always. And you know I'm just a phone call away... why wouldn't I be happy on a Friday?... Well yes, you have a brilliant weekend and we'll talk again soon... yes, ok... bye!"

Another three emails appeared in her inbox, and she noticed the red light flashing on her phone, indicating awaiting messages. She picked up the receiver and entered her voicemail number, her eyes scanning the most recent email.

Here you go gorgeous! (see attachment) How are you this morning? Love, Daniel.

She paused for a moment, wondering how to answer that question after such an affectionate greeting. She knew - unlike Daniel, Brendan, and everyone else who would call or email but never see her - that even though she'd stepped out of the shower over an hour ago, she was still shaking.

*****************************

6 hours ago
She was trashing around in bed, beads of sweat forming and rolling around the skin of her forehead. Then she was still and whimpering. Her face, usually bright and joyful, was twisted with violent fear. Please. She was whispering now. Please just go away. Please. Go. Away. More whimpering. Silence.

Then with a tortured scream, her back arched, her face contorted, and suddenly she was limp, motionless, in sheets soaked with her own sweat.

*****************************

the red jumpsuit apparatus

With an album titled "Don't You Fake It," it's no wonder the five boys (who happen to be around my age) making up the band called The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my current new flavour. They've been rocking through the stereo speakers for a few hours now... along with the likes of All American Rejects.

I keep thinking about starting up the whole writing thing again. I've been buying books with the hope for the joy of being able to revel in the beautiful past time of reading, and each time I allow myself to be completely engrossed in a new plot line, I ask myself if I'll ever do what I said I would do - and that is WRITE A BOOK. Writing used to be my passion once... that amongst many other things that have faded to the back of my personality. I find that time slips away to easily, and my longing for fresh, crisp and inviting pages only find their way into my hands when already filled with a fully furnished typeface and a story with a complete set of characters.

Besides, there is nothing new and inspiring to write about these days. I find myself joining the rest of the narcissistic crew, blogging their way through life, selfishly engrossed in my own personal life story, unable to see the possibilities of new character development, and journeys apart from the one travelled my own rubix cube of a road map.

And so, to keep with this self-involved theme of tonight's entry, here's an update on the life of random gibberish:

Just listened to: "Atrophy" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Liking the lyrics:

I warned you
what could happen if you should decide
to live your life from the 9 to 5
and I mourn you
for the detail that is left unsaid
is a reminder of the time you bled

Return to days when you knew you still felt alive
Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside

They've sold you
everything you need to fix you up
and you feel good now but you can't wake up
they found a way to reassure you
that everything would be okay
reach out today now I emplore you
to remember who you are...

(appropriate, no?)

Just watched: TMNT
Where at? Drive-ins. (Who would've thought I'd go to the drive-ins?) And yes, the movie was great... reliving the early 90s is always great...
Wearing: My favourite bedroom apparel. (which doesn't involve much apparel at all because my bedroom is always a toaster)
Current pet hate: The dog next door (pardon the pun). His (or her) barking is driving me insane, since it always seems to start at insane hours of the day. Like 6am... on a Saturday morning.
Current vice: Trashy magazines like Cleo and New Woman. Although they don't fall as far into the garbage category as "Who" and "NW" magazines, they're still full of the lies and rubbish that doesn't actually fulfill me. As if fashion, make-up and a sinful sex life is going to make me any closer to being... JOY. And yet I insist on wasting my money reading crappy stories about it all. Stupid girl.
Current regret: Maxing my EARTH credit card on things I don't need. Stupid girl.
Purchase that I DON'T regret: Books. Recent ones include "Blind Submission" (which is a good read, and no it's NOT a raunchy erotic novel), and "The Pact" (which I've only just started but found on the front table at a beautiful second-hand book store on Pitt St).

I can see:
:: The stuffed lion that Edwin got me at the Easter Show. It's got a bright orange mane and big blue eyes and has been affectionately named "Grr."
:: A box of Kleenex.
:: A very untidy pile of books, including the Bible, The Pact by Jodi Picoult, Holy Cow! by Sarah McDonald, Pope Benedict's encyclical on love, And On the Seventh Day - a trilogy by Paulo Coelho.
:: White Australian Open 2007 cap (also from Edwin)
:: Chest of drawers with blue undies sticking out
:: Lindt milk chocolate Easter rabbit with its head bitten off.
:: Kodak digital camera with 2MB worth of John Mayer in its memory

On my mind:
:: Should really learn how to use MoviePlus 5 so I can publish the Youth Festival video properly.
:: Am I really supposed to be starting to make the JCI video?
:: FLASH 8 tutorials... back to the ood ol' uni days of multimedia production and animation... oh *@!&$!
:: Maybe I'll work from home tomorrow.
:: Snuggles
:: Website website website.
:: Well she never was the best / at following the trends / Stayed one step above the rest / And even though it seemed / Like the world was crashing on her / Didn't let it hold her down / Didn't hold her back oh no / Don't worry you'll show them / [Chorus:] There's a fire in your eyes / And I hope you'll let it burn / There's a scream in your voice / And I hope you will be heard / There's a fire in your eyes / And I hope you'll let it burn / Until you're heard, you're heard (again, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
:: Sleep... oh now that's a good idea.

Friday evenings

It's 5:06pm and I haven't eaten much today. I just keep getting swept up in another task, which never even made it on my to-do list, but still managed to be on the "high priority" list. Does that make sense? Probably not?

Looking at my blog archive, I realised I must've been pretty damn bored in 2005, because I posted almost 3 times more regularly than I did in 2006. Or perhaps 2006 was just a bleak year, and I didn't want to depress anyone with my thoughts.

I look back at my old entries and wonder how I used to have such a positive outlook on life, where that positive outlook escaped to, and why the heck I'm so tired and depressed all the time? What did I lose? What am I missing?

I feel as though I'm constantly looking for something, but I'm unsure of what it is. I tell myself this because it's better to think that I'm missing something, as opposed to having everything but still feeling empty.

I told Vincent that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. That's not true, but that's how I feel.

Anyway, to share with you completely pointless but somewhat traumatic event: two hunstman spiders hitched a ride in my Corolla yesterday. They were crawling around in my boot for God knows how long before freaking me out twice in one evening. My dad managed to flick one at me, and Edwin lost the other one somewhere in his front yard. Not the most heroic of moments for either of them...

retail therapy... and why I should never do it.. EVER

I'm such a dumb-ass. In the past seven days I've spent over $500. Nothing essential... just... stuff. Stuff to wear mainly. It's like everything else in my life is just too difficult, so shopping releases my mind into... debt. Ha...

Let me think... now. My current purchases (and no, I shall not list them ALL) include...

* Jane Mercer black leather boots: $190.95
* White Chinese Laundry shoes: $50
* Turquoise G.I. heels: $49
* Dark denim skinny jeans: $72
* Red Forecast leather belt: $14.95
* Brown Forecast hat: $12.95
* Dark blue butterfly halter-neck dress: $10

I can't even remember what the other $100 was... don't go there.

My computer is seriously struggling. As I type this, its humming noise is becoming more and more stressed out. Poor machine. It's seen me through some great and trying times - old uni assessments, several YFC mission trips, retreats, youth group programs, and the major reformat or two.

At the moment I'm trying to compress pics from the CYS GAT so I can email them to Sav. Sav - someone who I used to spend so much time with, and now someone I only ever really correspond with via email or text. This could be depressing... in actual fact it's just a part of life. You leave uni, move into full-time work, and suddenly spare time is a thing of the past, and evenings are no longer spent making random visits to other people's homes. Shame really.. I didn't realised we'd all grow up so quickly and move into the real world.

The real world. @#$%&.

I'll admit, up until today, I haven't been a big fan of the "real world." I went to confession and the priest said, "This is a good day to start over. Remember what Jesus did to save you - you can lay all your sins on the table and my advice would be to leave them there. Today you can think of God's love, and start over."

Easier said than done, but I'll take his words over my own depressing thoughts any day. And man.. have I been depressing lately. I kind of feel for Amardeep, Edwin and Sarah... three people who are constantly hearing my life's progress reports (or perhaps lack-of-progress reports?). They listen patiently, and I'm not sure what it is that makes them still want to hang out with me.

I need a holiday. Or maybe not a holiday.. but something different. Something different and nice. Something that doesn't involve much effort, and the need for major justification.

uh... those late nights

I'm completely hopeless. Six months into my first full-time job, and I'm still hanging onto old habits: procrastinating and praying to the Lord for an extension past the deadline.

Although before the future employee reads this and decides not to hire me (I hear that's the trend these days - employers look up your blog and decide from your writings whether or not your out-of-interview persona is equally worthy of the job) - I plea unfair treatment. Not only did the two people who handed this project to me NOT give me the material I needed to begin with, they also provided me little to no guidance, telling me only two days before the deadline that the deadline was.. well... last Thursday.

And so here I am - 1:51am on a Monday night, finishing up what's supposed to be the next greatest video to hit the promo charts. Pffft! Yeah right. I'm a beginner, and the product of several hours of (frustratingly!) converting footage into editable format... twiddling around with a new program... learning my way through the short-cuts and highlights of the multi-media production worls...

Hey hold up. Since when was multimedia in my job description? And when does all the extra hours of work get put in as overtime on my paysheet? Answer to both questions is nah-daahh... Nuthin.. zilch. Because all this (as I like to try to convince myself) is out of love for both God and the people I work for... pffft! (once again).

Can I admit right now that I'm totally struggling here? I'm not even going to say "I hate to admit it..." because I love admitting it - I just HATE IT when people ignore my plea of insanity. Ugh! Just because I've gotten through tough times before, that doesn't disable my need for help... But it I've sadly discovered that my 2007 mantra has to be "Just f**n deal with it," because unfortunately, no matter how hard I try or what I do, I always seem to curse myself over and over again.

in the streets they reached out for Him...

About 5 months ago I walked onto a Qantas plane to Manila, only to arrive there a day before typhoon "Mileyno" hit the city. Never did it cross my mind that God intended me to spend the first three days of my GK GAT experience in my friend's apartment, where she faithfully kept me amused singing "Jesus You're My Superhero" while I frantically text-messaged the rest of the CYS mission team, who were stuck in Kuala Lumpur, waiting for a connecting flight. I guess he really wanted to make sure we were grateful for this Great Adventure Tour. :)

The CYS GAT was undoubtedly one of the highlights of the year for all of us. We'd learned how to work with each other, serve together, and support each other during the year of youth ministry - but never had we fully understood what it meant to be heroes to each other until we'd built homes together in the GK Sites.

I'll forever remember the our first visit to a GK site - GK Laura. The entire community welcomed us with open arms and we experience true and genuine hospitality in abundance. Our necks were adorned with floral necklaces made by the mothers, we watched folk dances by the children, and were seranaded in Tag-lish by the fathers.

At GK Brookside we saw the finished product of years of hard work from past Australian volunteers who had come and served before us. We spent a few hours with the students at the school, where I quickly learned that while God had given me many gifts, Maths was NOT one of them.

In the midst of our GK visits the team got to experience YFC in the Philippines, by attending one of the sector conferences. Not only did we witness the talent and the faith of Manila's youth, we witnessed their excitement about coming to Sydney for World Youth Day in 2008!

It was on that day that God revealed to me how blessed the youth of the Philippines are. The faith and the conviction of the youth who attended that conference was something I wanted to pocket and bring home to the youth of Sydney. Their love for God and their hope of restoring the dignity of their nation was a passion I wanted every young person to experience and treasure in their own hearts.

GAT has a way of bringing out that faith and hope - the hero - in us. When we'd arrived at our GK build site in Northern Luzon, I knew that despite the comfortable welcome (the Mayor had kindly organised a police escort and entourage of tricycle drivers to accompany us from site to site), God was ready to challenge us.

Unlike the sites we'd previously, GK Concepcion was in its early stages, with only a few families with homes. We spent three life-changing days meeting and getting to know the villagers, hearing how their lives had changed through GK, and feeling our hearts being transformed because of their openness and generosity towards us.

We woke up on day two of the build to the sound of the children running around outside and the birds crowing to the sun. Before 10am we'd worked up a few litres of sweat, transporting bags of dirt, and mixing cement to make the foundations of two new duplexes. I remember my heart leaping when the children ran up to us, asking if they could help. Months down the track, it still moves me to remember their excitement to serve and and the proud smiles of their parents who also played a vital part in the build.

Perhaps the most moving thing was seeing how the members of the team (only two of which could speak/understand Tagalog) broke out of their comfort zones. No other ministry experience allowed us to use so much muscle, adrenalin, sacrifice and effort. It's not everyday that you get to shovel dirt, mix cement, and paint walls with brilliant colours - all while hearing the contagious laughs of beautiful children. And all of this was done with open hearts and a joyful spirit. Despite the language barriers, there was a genuine communication of something unique and moving.

At the end of the build the Mayor invited us for lunch and asked us to share with her our experience. I still remember one team member saying they had experienced more love in that one GK village than she ever had in all of Australia.

When I reflect on her sharing, I remember how I felt when we'd returned from the trip and how proud I felt to be a Christian and working for the Church. At first I was sad for the youth of Australia whose eyes and hearts had never witnessed the conviction and hope that can be found in those working for GK. I was under the impression that because Australian kids never really thought about poverty, they didn't know much about sacrifice.

Then my mind flicks back to before I walked onto that Qantas plane - back to when we were asking parishes around Sydney for donations to fund the mission trip. I remember an 8 year old boy approaching us at the end of one Mass. Tipping out the coins of his wallet he handed Bec and I about 80 cents. Sheepishly he said, "It isn't much but it's all I've got - and you can have it."

Because of such experiences I can honestly say that GK has brought out the hero in more people than its founders had over planned. Volunteers, beneficiaries, doners, partners, Christian and non-Christian alike have all experienced what it is to give as Jesus did - completely and unashamedly - for love of God and man.

***

The Catholic Youth Services mission team is part of the official agency for youth in the Archdiocese of Sydney. Six of us volunteered to be part of the team in 2006, ministering to the youth of Sydney by running school retreats, parish youth groups and serving at Archdiocesan events. During the GK GAT, the CYS team (consisting of Joe Chai, Sarah Collins, Rian Galliott, Rebecca Forrest, and Bec McNamara) were accompanied by myself, Lyndon Cox (Director of CYS), Michael Kelleher (from the Catholic Education Office), Jeremy Ambrose and Eddie Phillips.

For more information contact cyshouse@bigpond.com.

sooo not worth it

My whole body is killing me.

It started with my teeth. I don't know if it's stress (although there really isn't much to stress about anymore) or if it's exhaustion or what, but I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself grinding my teeth together. What's with that? The result is a massive headache.

And that's stage two: my head. I told Matty it was like having an enormous anvil (is that how you spell it?) thrown at the back of my skull. It throbs and aches and I feel like my entire face is being blown up like an oversized balloon.

Stage three is my stomach. I don't know why it always feels so terrible but it's like no matter where I am in my menstrual cycle, there's no real "good" bit. It's either I've got my period or I'm ovulating - either way, I'm cramping. How rorded is that?

And then finally there's my feet. My large, bruised and aching feet. I tried breaking in new shoes today. Heels from Nine West which I got for Christmas. Rainy days are not good break-in-shoes days. I almost stacked it: THREE TIMES. I know my legs looked pretty damned sexy in those heels, but mate, I lost a lot of dignity when I almost stacked it.. so NO - I don't think it was worth it.

Oh God... please let me chuck a sicky tomorrow!

beer, sweat and water...

Mondays.
Enough said.

There were way too many factors from last week's events that contributed to my not wanting to get up this morning... Exhaustion, confusion, headaches, bruises on my feet, ears still kind of ringing... and... not having any good work clothes ironed and ready to put on. :)

But, despite feeling incredibly ill and unfit to sit in front of the computer and design websites today, I'd have to say it was all worth it. The last few days have rocked and I can thank the Lord for all of it:

WYDSAC Leadership Training Program : 7 March
WYDSAC leadership training program started. Over 180 young people around Sydney enrolled for training. Wooohooo! If that doesn't prove to people that God is very much active and alive in the lives of our young people, then I don't know what will. It was such a moving and beautiful to see them all packed up in that hall, learning more and more about God, their faith, and how to be great Christians. :)

Fall Out Boy Concert Hordern Paviliion : 8 March

Brothers and sisters put this record down - take my advice coz we are BAD NEWS!!!"

The moment the Kanye West remix of "This Ain't A Scene" started, the mosh pit was surging forward and people had passed out - literally. By the beginning of the second song, I'd managed to lose a shoe and I was wondering if I'd exit the mosh pit alive and with my shirt in tact. By the time Eddoes had lifted me up and I'd been crowd surfed to the security guard, I was in a complete state of euphoria (partly from lack of oxygen, and partly because I got so close to Pete Wentz, who I managed to steal a good perve on before getting ushered to the side of the stage by security). Eventually I managed to find an ok vantage point, wondering if I was going to end up watching the rest of the concert all on my lonesome, while the rest of the guys enjoyed the view from the mosh pit. By song three, Edwin had pushed his way out of the crowd and we collapsed on some seats, away from the sweat, but close enough to take good pics and capture some memorable video footage.

And while I enjoyed being able to breathe AND sing along AND watch the band, I promised him next time I'll brave the mosh pit for the entire duration of the concert and actually adorn my feet (now sporting the latest punk rocker bruises - dead sexy I assure you) with suitable footwear.

This evening (the high light, and main cause of exhaustion of last week) is, of course, the reason for today's BLOG title. Hmm... travelling home in a camry with 4 boys who smelled like... well... beer, sweat, and ... water. :)

Lunch as it was girlified : Saturday afternoon

I knew I should've taken out my camera that day - we always forget to send each other the pics we promise to send! But a big thanks to Riann, who found me two apartments in Parra to have a sneak peak at, to Jonna who drove us around the joint after a stressful rearrangement for plans, to Gerry for the hilarious conversation on the ride home, for Colloes who made the time to come out before work, and Rica and your stories about someone pooing in the cubby house... For all the girly conversations about boys, for the couple-perving at Max Brenz, for the talk about single-hood, wedding plans, being in relationships and all the stupid insecurities and other such things that girls share... thank you thank you thank you for coming.
We WILL do that again - I PROMISE. Next time it'll be at Bondi if weather permits.

The Pick of Destiny : Saturday night

Well.. we dogged dinner @ Vincent's on Saturday, and I was terrible and dogged the engagement party too. I figured I hadn't RSVPd, and if I wasn't feeling so ill I would've gone and done the WYD thing I was meant to do... but instead I enjoyed eating fresh pandesal (kindly brought home & prepared by Edwin's parents), and we clambered on the couches and watched a movie instead. This, I believe, is what weekends were made for. R&R with the people you love..

La Sangria : Balmain : Sunday

Happy Birthday eldest sis! Aahahaha... 31. It sounds ancient, but it's not because so many of my friends are that age... Cheers to her and the family for a nice day out at a Spanish restaurant (yum!). *sigh* reminds me of how much I crave to visit Europe once again... I realised that night our family just keeps growing up...and seems to be extending somewhat.

Monday morning
And now I sit here, with most of my morning gone (it's taken a good hour to write up this blog because I'm doing it in between phone calls and emails and trying to design stuff at the same time... buhahaha.. multi-taskin at its best.) :) I wasted $3.70 on a mocha caramelatte which is making me go to the toilet far more than usual. :S

On a positive note, I've managed to spend two hours with my earphones plugged in my ears and hardly any major disturbances, despite being hectic. Office is quiet today. PRAISE GOD.

I think it's almost time for lunch...

this aint a scene...

Who would've thought listening to fall out boy would kill so much time. I shoulda been well into la-la land and dreaming, but no.. instead i thought i'd visit their myspace site and reacquaint myself with their greatness; since i'll be sweating with the die-hard fans this Thursday at the Hordern.

And I'm looking forward to it too! Haven't lost myself in the music scene for a while.. let's just hope I'm prepared for the pushing and shoving and the adornment of fine lookin bruises on my (very black) arms.
Mind you new bruises from a mosh pit are more exciting to tell stories about. I already scored two bruises on my forearm after my (poor) attempt at catching the frisbee at the beach on Saturday. Much to Jag's humour, playing frisbee is not my forte. I stacked it twice and never managed to get it to the "other side." Instead, Eddoes, Jerome, Jug and I would just watch it fly right back at me... or into the water, about half way to its intended destination.

Hmm.. so I guess I'll just stick to swimming laps ay?

And so it continues. 12:02am, and still unable to sleep at the right time. Here I am thinking I'll actually have the energy to get up at 6am and start driving at 7am. Pffft!

Days go by so quickly when you're working full-time. Two months over and I have no idea how I got here. Not that I've gotten very far...

On a much more positive note, I finally went to the beach (again). This Summer's been pretty pathetic on the beach-weather front, so I thought I'd milk all the sun I could and take a drive to Dee Why last Saturday. Birthdays are an awesome excuse to round up random friends... except these random friends were all male (what's new?) - God love'em for the laughs and the company.

My heart ticks in beat with these kids that I grew up with.
living like life's going out of style.
And you came to watch us play...like a "Big shot talent,"
but at the end of the day you know where we come from
and where we call home.

He always proves me wrong...

I'm supposed to write 150-200 words about World Youth Day so I can share my thoughts and feelings to the country during a press conference on Friday. A couple of years back when my body and soul were still recovering from the experience, I would've struggled to fit my thoughts and beliefs in a mere 200 words. Over 400 challenging days after the experience, however, I'll admit I'm finding it hard to write a simple sentence.

How can I speak about WYD? The 2005 Cologne experience was on that left so much adrenalin in my body that to this day, it's what gets me up in the morning so I can march up to level 15 and do my job. It was the experience that led me to this very place, this very chapter of my life, this very feeling in my soul.

It's hard to be balanced about it because truth be told, I'm... tired. Shamedly, I've become one of those people who sit on a train with their earphones plugged into both ears, with eyes closed and with drool threatening to stain my work-shirt collar. Tiredness, yes... but emptiness: NO.

So what's to say about my WYD experienced? What did I experience that was so profound that I felt the irresistable urge to surrender any hopes my parents had of me being a lawyer so I could work full-time for the Church while the event made its way to Sydney?

SHORT VERSION: God

EXTENDED VERSION:

WYD didn't change my life. When World Youth Day was finished and I returned to Sydney in August 2005, I returned to the same family, the same friends, the same uni text books, and the same job - as will most pilgrims when the WYD journey concludes in 2008.

What WYD did change, however, was me. I came back glowing. I was on fire. I had experienced our Church in Europe, marvelled in its history, I had a multitude of new friends, new questions to find answers for, but perhaps, most importantly, I had a renewed relationship with my God. This relationship, which is my anchor and my source of life, is something I hope every person - whatever age - can find. What I love about the WYD celebrations is that it has allowed me, and millions of other people to meet God in an exciting and profound way.

During my WYD journey God proved to me that even in midst of crowds, chaos and turmoil, his whispers could still be loud and clear. While I could feel His energy in the songs and the laughter of the youth from around the world, I also experiencesd Him speaking to me personally; answering my questions and listening to my voice, addressing my concerns and my fears..

My hope and prayer is that through WYD, that people will experience God in a personal way. In 2008 this country will witness God in the hearts and lives of the young people who journey to Sydney. I want them to see, just as I saw, that God does exist in this world, and He is very much alive and active. I want them to realise, just as I realised, that they don't have to settle for a mediocre life, but that God wants them to have the best - and that best is in Christ's love for us.

People underestimate the power of God's love, but it is a remarkable and life-changing love that heals people, gives people hope, and gives people purpose. It's the type of love that turned my life upside-down - and I know that I couldn't experience God's love and be the same person - it changed me and will continue to change me during this journey.

I would encourage every person to join Sydney as it journeys to WYD08 and beyond, because this is an opportunity to bring the spark back in our young people and our entire nation. Imagine thousands of youth experiencing renewal, revival, and being witnesses in their everyday lives: people would be genuinely happy, people would have hope and purpose - God provides all these things - and I do believe that that is what the young people in Australia need, and want - and continue to search for.

We have 500 days until the Spirit of our universal Church celebrates in the streets of Sydney. There are so many things happening that people can involved in - I tell people to sign up for the updates, to visit the website, to register this July, to journey with the WYD Cross and Icon - to be alive and active in our Church so that energy builds up and continues far beyond 2008.

Why would you ignore an opportunity to meet God personally?

***

Hmmm.. so much for being uninspired.

ahhhhh!! suffocation

need to move out.

Being holed up in my room for seemed ok for three months, but I've reached the end of all my patience, and I'm lying here wondering what the hell made me think I could survive moving back under my parent's wing anyway.

*!()#&%

Today was the official crossing-of-the-line. My mum screwed up any chance of me having a decent weekend. THankfully the last few hours of it was salvaged by spending an hour with God at church and the last couple of hours on the couch with Edwin.

I'm over the whole "family" thing really. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love them to bits, but God damn it, I sure as hell can't live with them. I don't have enough emotional energy for it. Besides, why waste my money paying for the walls of this house when I could build a home for myself elsewhere.

I need a new place to live.

So... if by some random chance you read this and know of someone who is could find me a nice lil apartment to stay.. wow I would love you forever. Or, if you're looking for a flat-mate and are somewhat sane and holy, then by all means, let me know.

And no, I will not move in with my boyfriend.

where will you be?

What’s doin’ on Palm Sunday in SYDNEY??

Click here and find out!

Gefräßigkeit (German for gluttony)

My current gluttonous activities involve:

- Ferroro Rochers (thanks to St Valentine and all such celebrations)
- Peanut Kisses (pasalubong from Philippines)
- Caramel lattes (especially when on the way to work)
- Donuts (also on the way to work: conveniently it often comes free with the caramel latte)
- Hash browns from the Express McDonald's at Blacktown Stn
- Cruskits... hmmm...
- Nutella on toast with a glass of milk (after many weeks of research, this snack is in fact suitable for any meal - breakfast, morning tea, lunch, brunch, dessert, midnight snacks etc...)
- Almond Magnums ... mm...

Current Addictions:
- Heroes
- Arrested Development
- Caitlyn (my 1 year old niece)
- Talking to strangers (which has proved to have some positive but also some frightening consequences)

Anything New?
- On the playlist: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
- On the job-front: Uh... a dent in the front two panels of my Corolla (*SNIFF!*)

It's Monday night and I want my brain to switch off... SLEEP TIME PLS...