Sunday, October 29, 2006

wishing you were somehow here again...

Sometimes I think this is all just just a joke, and at one point, someone's gonna hit the "pause" button in my life and have a really good laugh. You know.. right in my face, just so I feel the full power of the humour.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so lost lately. Maybe it's the change of season. Maybe it's the change of lifestyle. Maybe it's the change of heart. I don't know what it is, but anyone who remembers what I was like back in the early years of high school, when my friends started drinking and smoking, should remember that I don't cope well with change.

Most people smile and pat me on the back and tell me how awesome it must be to find a job that I love, that life must be great living near the beach, and that it must be fine... absolutely fine. But the truth is, I struggle to crawl out of my bed, I never have time to go to the beach, and truth be told... I miss home.

It's not the house or the bed that I miss... I just... miss having a place that I can sit down and call home. I miss the feeling of being where I know I should be.. coz right now I have no clue where I'm meant to be.

I miss driving to household with Edwin & Nereus. I miss late Friday nights in front of a DVD with Suarez and Gerry. I miss random visits from Sav and Ian. I miss girly sleepovers with junk food and the Baby-sitters Club books with Amardeep and Cobes. I miss Saturday outings with the SPY kids. I miss Peni, Luke and Aron and their theological discussions over coffee. I miss hugs from Gemma, Lisa and Fay. I miss odd conversations with Tony and Matt. I miss laughing at Fr Warren's idiosyncracies and goofy mistakes. I miss being inspired to do something new and brave. I miss having someone with direction and drive leading me to something bigger and better. I miss lying on grass and staring at the lake with a pile of uni books next to me. I miss the feeling of accomplishing what feels impossible. I miss the feeling of being in God's embrace when I'm walking down a busy city street. I miss lunch at Hyde Park with those scary ibis birds. I miss late night deep and meaningfuls at retreats. I miss one-on-ones. I miss childish romances. I miss the feeling of discovering something new.

I miss that peace that comes from knowing that you're doing what you love to do... and living the life you're meant to live.

And that peace... it feels so far away right now.

I have this strange, sickening deja vu of when I said yes to this guy who asked me out, thinking that he was everything I could ever dream of having in a man... but realised within a week of being together, that being with him wasn't what I wanted at all.

I guess there are some things that look great but taste wrong.

It's sad because I am to afraid to hope now. I'm too scared to trust people... and I'm too scared to tell the people who I need to tell exactly what it is I'm thinking when they ask me how I am...

So where is the Joy that was so determined to do this? Where is the wild, untamed and adventurous soul that would serve without sleep and give without counting the cost? Where is the passionate speaker... dynamic and convicted?

If you find her, please tell me, because she's missing and has been for quite some time. Her replacement is running out of batteries.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

undiscovered

Sometimes I just want to throw up everything that is inside... just because there are too many thoughts in my head. Just because there are too many hurts, too many burdens, too many prayers unheard (not because He doesn't listen... but because I'm too lazy to pray). All these things, of course, are my own fault. My fault for not trusting Him more, my fault for not surrendering everything, my fault for being selfish... my fault because it just is.

Sometimes I stare at the screen fighting back tears because sometimes... it feels like I'm not cut out for this. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate, sometimes I feel like such a liar, sometimes I feel unwanted, unworthy and completely out of my league. And sometimes, I wonder why it is I chose to choose this path. Sometimes I wonder why roads can't just be straight, without pot-holes and speed-bumps and people screaming at you and trucks thundering past to scare the hell out of you. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be most twenty-one year olds - why they hell am I so eager, why must I be so passionate, why must I be determined or driven.. why can't I just be lazy, lost and not in the mood... because other people seem to be, and I'm sick of feeling left out.

Sometimes I sit in the driver's seat of my car unaware of where I'm going or how I'm even getting there, but really wish the tears would stop coming out of my eyes because it's dangerous to drive in the rain.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into His arms, cry on His shoulder and weep until there is no water left in me... just so he can fill me with His life because mine just doesn't seem to fit right.

Sometimes is right about now.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

in the face of adversity...

- Eat lots of Nutella.
- Punch pillows and scream into the stuffing (Lilo-style)
- Throw everything onto the floor upon entering your bedroom floor
- Take a long, long, long drive
- Cry, cry and then when you're calm... cry some more
- Call someone to vent to
- Leave teary messages on their voicemail when they don't pick up the phone
- Listen to loud rock or emo music
- Go for a loooong swim
- Spend time with a baby to remind you that there is still hope in the world...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

thank God it's uh...

What day is it again? I seem to have forgotten. It feels like a Friday afternoon and I'm ready to head home and hit the sack.

Today Bec and I discovered we need way more telephone lines in our office to do any productive work.

Oh God... let me leave here early and *sigh* not hit the traffic on the way home.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

back and black

Currently listening to new Rachel Lampa album I purchased somewhere in Mega Mall in Manila.. where I managed to stumble across a Hillsong "Songs for Communion" album (weird, since they don't believe in the Eucharist), which I also purchased...

It's weird to be back in Sydney so soon. I kinda wish I'd stayed there for a couple of months, if not a whole year (I say this despite the stinking hot and humid weather, my newly-discovered allergy to Filipino mosquitoes, and the virus I caught from the 1-yr-old who kept stealing my water bottle in the GK village).

I guess there's something special about Philippines that kinda gets me nostalgic. I spoke with the most american-tag-lish accent on Sunday when I had to address the YFC Manila Sector-B conference and invite them all to WYD in 2008. I hardly remember anything I said because I was so sweaty and nervous, but I distinctly remember about 1000 of them cheering when I declared I was so proud to be Filo, because when I'm in Phils, I see hope, I see passion and I see an unbelievable trust in a God that makes things possible for them.

Without putting down Sydney, I have to admit that there's an intense adrenalin and passion that the youth of Philippines have that the youth of Australia. Maybe it's the culture, or because the country is 80% Catholic... I don't know. But whenever I go there, I encounter a level hope and hospitality that demonstrates true, unconditional and fearless love. We probably visited 6 GK sites during our trip, and in each of them God unveiled a joy so beautiful I felt my heart being tugged to stay there forever.

We'd walk past the colourful homes and parents would smile, wave and sometimes giggle when the team members would attempt their Aussie-sounding greetings of "Magandang umaga!" or "Kumusta! Ako si...."

The kids would wander over to us curiously, and once we offered them a smile, they'd immedietaly begin a fresh game of "tag" or jump on our backs for a piggy-back race with their neighbour. None of the "stranger-danger" hostility you get in our streets here.

Getting rid of the poverty in the Philippines must've seemed like an impossible task. And yet the GK program started because a Youth for Christ household decided they'd build a new home for one of their members... today there are over 900 communities that have benefited from building new homes. That means over 9000 families have a new chance... simply because a few teenagers decided to do something selfless and put a fearless trust in God.

Where did that fearless trust of God go? Why so much hostility and fear to achieve great and marvellous things? People in Australia have become apathetic to miracles... in a country that's supposed to have everything, we've come not to expect anything.

The saddest thing I heard during the trip was when Ate Candy told us about one of her conversations with one of the kids in the GK sites. She'd asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said, "A tricycle driver." Her heart was torn when the boy admitted he didn't want to say he wanted to be a doctor or a teacher or anything more than what he knew he could achieve. The child had lost the ability to dream - and dreams don't cost a cent.

There's an element of that in what I've experienced in the past couple of months. I feel like an idiot every time I dream. People roll their eyes, or snigger and say something like, "Don't bother trying - people have tried that and failed many times."

I'm sure many people in the past tried to alleviate the situation of poverty in the Philippines. But the beauty of heroes like Tony Milloto, Dylan Wilke and every contributor to the GK program is that people's failings in the past NEVER STOPPED THEM FROM GIVING EVERYTHING UP SO THAT OTHERS COULD HAVE MORE. Cynicism doesn't breed heroes.

I like being an idealist. I like having dreams. I like knowing I've done everything I possibly can to make a difference - even if it's a fraction of what other people do. And if people are going to try and take all that away from me, they can die trying. This is God's work - not mine.