just don't forget...

There are moments in your life that remind you of the very reason why you were created.

Tonight was one of those moments. Tonight was one of those moments when my heart felt like it was doing more than just pumping blood through my body. It was beating. I could feel its rhythm. My eyes were doing more than processing patterns of light. They were seeing more than the room or the objects in it. They saw more than the screen and more than the reflection in the mirror.

They were seeing life for the first time... again.

It's like that feeling you get when you kiss someone for the first time. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes you're uncertain. More often than not, you're excited - even though it's like fumbling with a language you don't have a thorough understanding of. Whatever the context, place, time, or person... the constant factor between each time it occurs is that things are different after it happens.

Today's "First Kiss" felt no different.. and much like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates, I hope I get to feel it everyday.

Sorry to disappoint any readers, but I thought I should clarify that didn't actually experience any real first kisses with any boys today. But, being the hopeless romantic that I am (sorry to make some of you puke!), I'll liken this feeling that I'm feeling right now to that feeling after The First Kiss.

It started this afternoon as I got to the bus stop after class. I realised then that there was something about today that gave me a little spring in my step as I walked through the car park and over the pedestrian crossing. Something in me made me look at the sky, and despite the murky grey shadows in the clouds, I was comforted. Something in me made me breathe in the air with a deeper appreciation. Despite the cold biting at my skin, I could feel something warm.

These images all sound cliche, but there was nothing cliche about the events of this afternoon.

I got off the bus and went to my doctor's appointment. I was shivering in the waiting room. After watching them try several times to find the right vein to get two blood samples from, I left the pathology lab feeling slightly faint. I called another lab to make another appointment and put down the phone feeling disheartened and afraid. The warm feeling I'd felt at the bus stop was slowly being sapped the longer I stayed at the surgery. At first I thought it was the air-conditioning, but then I realised I was getting colder because of my fear.

I started walking, hoping to get warmer, but the fear got stronger and so did the cold. By the time I reached the automatic doors my teeth were chattering. I walked inside wondering where I could buy a coffee.

And then I saw him.

I looked up, our eyes met, and the cold was evaporated the moment he smiled.

Something in me shifted. Something in me told me this was no ordinary day.

There are very few people I've met who've had the power to make me feel this way. Only the very select few know how to sweep me off my feet without even having to try. But today I saw someone who could - and did. From the moment he smiled, the spring in my step came back. The sky remained grey, but I was comforted. The air was still cold, but I breathed it deeply and gratefully.

That was part one of The Kiss.

Part two was after I packed for Wollongong. Have you ever watched Patch Adams? If you haven't, then go to the video store now. Yes - now. Turn off the computer, jump in the car with your Video Ezy card and get it. Now. Then re-read this blog.

Yes, so - part two. Part Two came through that movie. Part Two was an affirmation and full-stop - or better yet, an exclamation mark - on everything that I felt in Part One. Part Two was God reminding me what I'm going to do with my life. Part Two was God telling me that all my fears, all my insecurities, all my worries and all my concerns were smothered by one overpowering element of my spirit that I have yet to completely embrace... my passion to love. Love Him. Love him.

It's hard to describe and I'm posting it on here because I don't want to forget this feeling - even though I'm having enough trouble articulating it. But I'll give it a go, even though I risk sounding incredibly stupid.

You see... I have a dream. (no wait... that line's been used before. Besides it's wrong -) I have a lot of dreams. And I know, from experience, that when I dream, it's doesn't just remain a dream. It becomes a goal. And, if God likes the goal, he turns it into a plan. And then it becomes reality. And then it becomes my life.

I've seen it happen with a lot of things. The first major thing (not counting anything that happened in high school, although that would be a nice thought...) was the GK Challenge of 2004. With the help of 2 boys names Chris, an unforgettable and irreplaceable priest, and an incredibly dedicated youth group & parish, we were able to raise just under $12,000 to rebuild houses for the poor in Philippines. That's three times the amount I had aimed to raise.

Then there was the youth newsletter. At first it was a once off publication. An announcement that the group existed, and had accomplished great things. Then the accomplishments became monthly, and so did the newsletter. That was dream #2.

Then there was the concert. Call me crazy, but who would've thought a group of teenagers/tertiary students could co-produce a concert in two months? It wasn't a professional shindig. It wasn't a out-of-the-world performance. But from the scratch that we started with, the final product was something to be proud of. And certainly I am - not of me, but of everyone else who made it happen. The production team. The performers. The families. The church. The young people. People who reflected the face of God. People who swept me off my feet. That was dream #3.

Then there was Europe. All 1,257 digital photos prove how amazing that adventure was. Ten countries down before the age of 21. If that isn't a major dream accomplished, I don't know what is.

The current miracle involves living next the beach, right behind a church in an enormous house with its own chapel, and housemates that are out of this world. I get to do what I love to do full-time for a whole year.

And so the list goes on. It's not an extensive list... but the miracle in each achievement sure makes up for the lack of numbers.

The thing you have to understand here is that I'm not putting these up here to brag. I'm merely pointing out something that I've only re-realised tonight: and that's the simple reality that

DREAMS ACTUALLY CAN COME TRUE.

My life is a living, answered prayer. God does it all the time. He actually enjoys it.

And so there I was, watching Patch Adams. And suddenly I got teary. I thought about all my dreams. All my goals. All my plans. They played around in my mind. Before today, they were teasing me as they played through my imagination. They used to taunt and mock me and whisper awful things like, "It'll never happen Joy - just get with reality..."

But not today. Today I contentedly closed my eyes and saw my dreams coming alive. It was almost as if God watched those dreams with me and, with a tender smile extended his hand over the universe, winked, and then drew a massive red tick. And that feeling... ooh do I love that feeling.

The feeling of grasping perfection. Even for a split second. That feeling of bliss. Of hope. Where the heart leaps, or dances, or cries, or skips, or explodes... or maybe all of the above all at the same time. That taste of heaven. That kiss. That First Kiss.

I describe it here because I want to tell myself: don't forget that feeling.

I think they call it love.

Rome Adventure (1962)

I'm a sucker I tell you. It started with the cramping. So I took refuge on my parent's bed and turned the TV on. Usually Saturday afternoon movies on Channel 9 don't affect me much... but suddenly I was hooked on the romance unfolding between Troy Donahue and Suzanne Pleshette.

All of a sudden it was 4:30pm... whoops. And now it's almost 6pm. Hmm... in terms of productivity, I didn't score very well today. But in terms of girlishness... whoa... overload!

We had drinks at a Roman cafe, had a picnic in the mountains, dinner with a jazz band, rode around on a horse and carriage until 3 in the morning, walked up the leaning tower in Pisa, stayed at a chalet in the north Italian valleys, held hands under the table, laughed at each others idiosyncracies, stole kisses... blah blah blah... the only thing missing was him proposing at the Trevi Fountain. Then I realised I wasn't Suzanne Pleshette, my name isn't Prudence Bell...and my ideal guy does not have blonde hair. But I'd definitely appreciate a holiday in Italy... and a ride in a gondola in Venice.

Regardless of my overdose of fantasy drug (and perhaps Naprogesic) this movie could've definitely been thrown in as one of my favourites. *hangs head in shame* If you've never been caught up in a 1960s romance, then get caught up into this one. Although I might be a tad biased - I think I'm attached because I was in Rome less than a year ago, and every time I get sentimental, I start going through my WYD photos again. And the ones from Rome and Paris are priceless!

*sigh* ... bus 2 pilgrims... how I miss you!

flipping chocolate pancakes

What an awesome way to spend a Saturday morning!

Waking up to a bright, beautiful Sunny Summer day. Got two loads of washing done, (I have yet to hang another load on the line... but that can wait til later this afternoon, made some choc-chip pancakes, read few chapters of "A Lesson Before Dying," (a novel) by Ernest J. Gaines, got the kitchen clean... and now.. it's just a matter of getting through two hundred pages of spiritual theology.

Ooooh yeah...

In my streak of kitchen obsessiveness (I cooked a killer tuna omelette for lunch and chicken (with herb & basil fried rice) for dinner last night), I decided this morning was a perfect opportunity to test my (intense lack of) pancake flipping skills. I finally got it right after the third attempt of flipping butter all over the sink.

My conclusion, after what happens to be an extremely exhausting week, is that regardless of what gets you down and what fears you have, la vita e bella. ;o) Sometimes you just need to drop the sad things and concentrate on the simple joys. Like flipping pancakes. The process may be messy - but the result is drool-worthy. :o)

I saw these words of comfort because it's been an emotionally tormenting week. Sometimes it feels like I'll be destined to make the same mistakes over and over again: trusting others and myself more than trusting God; getting too caught up in a moment (and we all know that moments are just that: moments that aren't intended to last forever); lying to myself to make myself feel better; being dishonest and closed off from the people who are just trying to help... the list goes on. To some extent it's comforting to know that these repeated mistakes are part of humanity's fallen nature... but I'm kind of sick of falling - I really just want to find my feet and start walking. Perhaps the real mistake I make is when I do find my feet, I attempt running almost straight away, and stack it because I'm going too fast.

And so the real challenge is patience. Not just with myself, but with other people. Especially patience for the people who seem to be holding onto my very fragile heart - because forcing them to hurry up and get it right risks them falling and stacking it too. And as they fall.. the fragile heart they're holding hits the ground and shatters too.

On a more positive note, last night was a soothing, quiet and peaceful remedy to what was a emotionally unbalanced week. I was in a flood of tears on Thursday night while I visited the CYS team in Bathurst. I guess because I still feel like I'm all over the place... and I should've been at Mark's mum's surprise party last night... but I just couldn't hack being around people. So instead I kept it quiet last night. A quiet dinner, a heart-moving Italian flick, and a sweet and sentimental moment on the couch, just wrapped up in conversation and comfort.

Sometimes I think... if it feels this good to be hugged by you, then I can't wait to be wrapped up in God's arms... ;o) When I'm not thinking that, I'm appreciating the simple joy of receiving warm and tingly hugs from the right people.

You know who you are... ;o) Those people who make my insides fly, or my dreams feel reachable, who tame my fears and comfort my soul just by wrapping their hearts around me. I love it when we're together.

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

...
Yeah, look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Its always better when we're together


[Jack Johnson - Better Together]

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

currently studying: bachelor of domestic fine arts

I was away for five nights, but I missed my bed and the familiar scent of the clothes in my wardrobe. Right now I'm sitting at a very familiar desk, surrounded by a very familiar sight: text books, highlighters, an assortment of stationery items that are completely unnecessary. Ehpp... Joy is in Summer school!!

The funny thing is, while this is my FINAL subject for this part of my uni experience, it's the first subject I'm actually enjoying. Mind you, I might be speaking too soon, since it's only day one and I've only heard two lectures. But of those two lectures and the chapters I've read in my two text books, I've decided that this is God's grace at it's most humorous - he whispers to me my vocation at the end of my degree.

But it's not as if the learning will stop once I collect that blasted piece of paper that says "Bachelor of Media in Multimedia Production & Theory" (it's clear to anyone who knows me well that the title of my degree means very little in terms of what path I will actually end up choosing for the majority of my time in the work force). Today I learned one of life's most valuable lessons from my Dad: How to cook sinigang.

Brilliant teacher, my Dad. Very patient of my lack of domesticated kitchen skills. The only thing I've cooked at the Clovelly house so far is bacon, eggs, toast. (Does food preparation count? Because I seem to be the evil one who brings out the chocolate and Nutella in between training seminars because I'm feeling peckish...) So yeah... when I got home this weekend, I decided it was time to learn the art of feeding loved ones (since the CYS team seem to be brilliant cooks... darn it - they've set such a high benchmark!) I spend the time I was waiting for the pork to simmer marking the dishes I plan to cook this year. And I promise... by the end of it, I will master the kitchen, all its contents, and satisfying the people who plan to eat meals in it!

... Well... that's my prayer anyway.

*****

Currently drooling over these meals... meals I plan to master... one day:
- Fried/Grilled Steak with Chilli & Lime marinade (yeah yeah... so I'm allergic to chilli. I'm hoping I'll get over it)
- Chicken stir-fry with brocolli & capsicum
- Lemongrass & soy chicken with sugar snap peas
- Beef, shiitake mushroom & snow pea stir fry
- Steamed green vegies with toasted almonds
- Stir-fried baby corn with snow peas
- Sinigang
- Adobo

Til then... pray hard for me. I'll need it.

those waves seem to be getting a tad bigger...

I just emptied out my email inbox... caught up on the lives of people by reading their blogs. (The more I read other people's blogs, the less I want them to read mine... strange but true). Shout-out to Colloes, who is in Jerusalem - hope you're loving every second of it, because I'm so jealous right now... although it just gives me another country to put on my "to-do list" of countries to visit (you know... up there with Hawaii, NZ, Spain and Egypt). Funny how I'm not that interested in going to America. Oh - expect to visit Hershey and to experience a white Christmas in New York. Edwin shattered my dreams by telling me I probably won't be allowed to bungee jump at the Grand Canyon - so we better go bungee jumping in New Zealand, or you're going down!

Ay so it's 2:35am right now. Has anyone else noticed that you can't edit publishing times on BlogSpot anymore? Or is it just me?

Anyhoo... the life of Joy has been all over the place since 2006 started. HAPPY NEW YEAR friends and blog-fans! The happenings of New Year's Eve kind of summed up what the rest of this year may be like - full of pointless but hilarious jokes, surrounded by strange people, being a witness to beautiful things and being very, very blessed and lucky.

Tonight's events were testimony to that. SPY organised a beautiful (surprise) farewell party for me. I thought it was the sweetest thing for the kids to do, and it just affirmed me of how lucky I've been to be able to experience what I have - and wow, I'm only 20. God sure knows how to pour out grace.

Those youth make me really proud to be a Catholic. It makes me laugh to know how much they protested against growing in their faith... and then realising how God's nudges and Spirit really worked miracles - not just in their lives, but definitely in my own.

****

Right now there is a cow on my bedroom desk. It has a few helium balloons tied to it's leg, and it's looking pretty sad. His name is Mylow (pronouned like the drink "Milo") and he's from Marife. I got so many presents today - it felt like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. Even though I cried during the videos and my speech, I wasn't really sad. I was just... happy. Proud. Affirmed. Confident that God has and will continue to take care of his children. Blessed.

Edz took me home and we prayed outside on the front porch and we talked about nothing for a couple of hours. I figure those are the best conversations - the ones about nothing and everything... they're even better when I know God's watching over us.

I feel strange now that my side of the bedroom is kind of bare. My walls are naked, my wardrobe will soon be emptied. *sigh* This year will fly by without me even knowing it... but I can't help but being a bit scared. Scared only because I feel like there's a blank canvas in front of me, and I'm always scared of making the first few splashes of paint.

I guess what I'm learning is that God is the artist, and I'm just part of the painting - not the other way around. To remember that when the going gets tough is the tricky bit.

The beautiful thing though (and I mentioned this tonight in our pointless conversation) is that God has given me enough to affirm me that he really answers prayers. My favourite moment at the SPY camp (apart from conquering the 3 storey high ropes course and thrashing the other team in volleyball! ) was the prayer time in my cabin with most of the girls at the camp. It happened at about 11pm just after lights out, and we spent a good half hour asking Mary to pray for good beach weather on Friday, and to listen to our intentions and goals for the year.

That was the best half hour of the camp... and probably the most productive, seeing as the sky cleared completely on Friday and we had a perfect day at Long Reef Beach, bathing in the sun, adding to our shades of dark and red sunburn and getting sand stuck in our bums. The point is - despite the clouds, the sun shone through. And God eventually moved those clouds to provide what ended up being the perfect finale to my final SPY event.

That day at the beach was crazy - the waves were rough - and for the first time in my life, I was scared of drowning in the ocean. Haha... when I swam back to shore my legs were sore and I couldn't breathe... and all I thought about was how much I wanted to have the energy to get through the break point and catch a decent wave. I'll learn how to surf eventually... ;o)

Crap... it's almost 3am and I'm getting up in 3.5 hours. Ooops...

Oh there's so much to say but not enough space and words to say it.

***

I'm going to miss you / I'm so proud of you / Thank you for all that you've been and done for me / I know God is listening to our prayers / Pray for me / I'll be praying for you / I'm afraid / I trust Him, so I know it'll be ok / You can always trust in Him / Don't doubt what you are capable of / I have faith in you and what you can do and become / You've inspired me to be better than what I was / You will improve / You'll grow / You'll learn to love more / And I promise... I'll do the same. ;o)

To all that I'm leaving behind - Praise God.

To all that I'm starting ahead - Trust God.