this may seem odd... Blogging on a train. I left my handbag at d clergy meeting u see, so my boss has taken my car and now i feel completely naked coz i dnt have a wallet or... Anything really.
Today i felt weird. Out of place. Again it was another restless nyt, wondering wat to do with my life, trying to find vision.. Not quite knowing how to feel about the absence of direction.
I began to write a list of things i have... Which was cool, because it reminded me that i have in fact had some amazing experiences, adventures, stories, dreams and accomplishments. Sometimes its nice to b reminded.. Its gonna b ok. Hmmm... Now... I feel like.. Some chocolate, a nice dinner, my pyjamas, toe socks, a few hugs, a trip to a beach house far far away, a massage, soft music... I dont know wat else so ill stop wasting my money and disconnect now.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
sleepless nights
I heard Professor Hayden Ramsay give a Catechesis the other night to a bunch of teenagers. When he finished I was bawling my eyes out, but he said a few things that really struck me. Towards the end of his talk, he was telling us about the fundamental truths and ideas that we have a right to know. Off the top of my head, these ones I'm writing were the ones that got water-works started. They were:
1. You are not just a blob of cells stuck together in a body. You were created in a miracle of love by God, through the love of your mum and dad.
2. Sometimes you feel really alone, and that you're trapped. That's ok. You can feel those things, but you're going to spend the rest of your life walking out of that trap, and out of that desert - and straight into paradise.
He said a few more things that really humbled me and made me remember what it is that I'm doing all this for. Sometimes it's so easy to forget. Sometimes it all becomes work, and I forget the significance of WYD and think its all just one event after another... then a Professor gives a talk on a Friday night... in a hall that is literally full of teenagers... and I'm reminded that we are the heroes of the Church today. That one day, centuries from now, the Church will remain and the faithful will live on because of the work that we do to keep Christ alive in the hearts of those who believe in him...
Hmm... what else did he say?
I'm paraphrasing here, but I like being reminded: It's all well and good to have fun. But life isn't about fun. Life isn't all about feelings either. If it were, we'd be in a big mess. Sometimes we feel miserable, but that doesn't mean God is gone. Sometimes he working in you so deeply that you can't understand or comprehend it. It's often in these darkest moments that he's doing the greatest work. And it's only when he's finished when you get to see the masterpiece.
And of course...
When Jesus died, he made his friends really miserable. They didn't feel great at all. Why did he die? I reckon it was to give us a message, and that message is simply: If you love with all your heart... if you give your whole self and love with your whole life... then the world will crucify you. They will get rid of you. But... you will rise again. And in your rising, you will give others tremendous hope.
Christ conquered death. Which means no matter how dead you feel, he has the strength to conquer whatever it is that's killing you.
1. You are not just a blob of cells stuck together in a body. You were created in a miracle of love by God, through the love of your mum and dad.
2. Sometimes you feel really alone, and that you're trapped. That's ok. You can feel those things, but you're going to spend the rest of your life walking out of that trap, and out of that desert - and straight into paradise.
He said a few more things that really humbled me and made me remember what it is that I'm doing all this for. Sometimes it's so easy to forget. Sometimes it all becomes work, and I forget the significance of WYD and think its all just one event after another... then a Professor gives a talk on a Friday night... in a hall that is literally full of teenagers... and I'm reminded that we are the heroes of the Church today. That one day, centuries from now, the Church will remain and the faithful will live on because of the work that we do to keep Christ alive in the hearts of those who believe in him...
Hmm... what else did he say?
I'm paraphrasing here, but I like being reminded: It's all well and good to have fun. But life isn't about fun. Life isn't all about feelings either. If it were, we'd be in a big mess. Sometimes we feel miserable, but that doesn't mean God is gone. Sometimes he working in you so deeply that you can't understand or comprehend it. It's often in these darkest moments that he's doing the greatest work. And it's only when he's finished when you get to see the masterpiece.
And of course...
When Jesus died, he made his friends really miserable. They didn't feel great at all. Why did he die? I reckon it was to give us a message, and that message is simply: If you love with all your heart... if you give your whole self and love with your whole life... then the world will crucify you. They will get rid of you. But... you will rise again. And in your rising, you will give others tremendous hope.
Christ conquered death. Which means no matter how dead you feel, he has the strength to conquer whatever it is that's killing you.
****
Atm it's 3:17am and I can't get to sleep. I don't know if Ella's mum made me really strong coffee (normally it doesn't last 5 hours though) or if it's just the gazillion things that went through my mind tonight, or the fact that I finally had a good conversation with girls the old-school Nagle family that once ruled my heart... who knows.
I really do hope that they tell me when things are happening, or that I get invited out to their get-togethers. It's so easy to slip into the habit of not making an effort to catch up with people... to let the time-consuming events of my life eat up the quality time I could be devoting to the people who made me who I am... God it was great being in Kamella's kitchen and listening to Nat and Mary Anne tell me about their lives. It was fun being able to open up in conversation and share the wisdom that 5 years out of high school and offer.
Yikes. 5 years. Before we know it it'll be 10 years... and suddenly high school days when we used to laugh about sex, bitch about boys, throw tantrums about teachers and stress about blotchy skin will be a faint memory. Although I'm sure when we're 30-something, we'll still be laughing about sex, bitching about boys - who by that time should be men, but still aren't, throwing tantrums at teachers - who are not teaching our children properly, and stress about blotchy - or perhaps wrinkly, sun-damaged - skin.
I'm trying to remember what I thought I'd be doing at 22 years of age, back when they asked the 17 year old me. Back in June, 2002 I was thinking about uni preferences... and I'm pretty sure the final draft for my Extension 2 English major was due. Oh God.. that story about Carson London, Rei Phuong, Kayla Summers, and Mario... something. The 4 split personalities of the schizophrenic me all rolled out into one postmodern story about the journey to self-discovery. Pfft... 5 years on and I still don't know who I am, and I probably have more personalities than back when I was 17.
Can I admit at least just how funny it is to be able to say I'm a law-school drop-out. That's right folks - ex Captain, dux (whatever you wanna say about high school achievements) dropped out of her law degree, graduated from a (bludgy) media degree... and is no where near working in that industry.
The lesson is: only God knows where your life is going, so you may as well let him drive.
Sometimes it freaks me out. I think about marriage a lot - which is odd because Edwin and I don't plan to get married any time soon. I think it's even more strange to have found the one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with... but have no idea what else I plan to do with my life. No thoughts on career, where to live, how I plan to earn money, what I'll do post-WYD08. In the deepest depths of my heart I know that planning such things doesn't matter (it's just like those blasted uni preferences, which stresses everyone out during yr 12, and at the end of the day, it means very little). But it's not the planning that worries me. It's the goal-setting (these are two essentially different things). One must have goals before one makes plans.
So what are my goals?
I don't know.
Which is why I'm freaking out.
I figure marriage has been on my mind because it's one of the few things that are on my goals list. Apart from that, I'm a bit lost. Odd for someone who's supposed to be ultra-smart, successful and career-orientated. Odd because I know that the only thing I know I definitely want is a husband and a family. Give me someone to love, and some kids to raise, and I'll be completely fulfilled. Everything else is just accessorising. This is quite a controversial thing for me to admit, because part of me still doesn't want to accept that my vocation is ultimately marriage. I mean... the Joy that grew up to be independent, adventurous and somewhat crazy is still trying to come to grips with the realisation that the person she has become has become this person to eventually be united with another person (hopefully the one who's in bed at the moment, about 1.2 km away, snoring peacefully with his Nokia resting near his head because he fell asleep on the phone with his girlfriend, who happens to be up at almost 4am, blogging about how she wants to marry him one day).
If I play my cards right, I'll hand the cards to God and let the future fall into place. Career, husband, home, future, retirement plan, travel destinations - the lot. But the control-freak (Rei Phuong) section of personality likes to know the next destination... the next item on the agenda.
Blah. The endless cycle of useless thinking that is keeping my mind buzzing.
Again... I think I need a holiday.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Oh sooo sleepy
I couldn't open my eyes this morning. It was soooo cold! Crawling out of bed, ripping off my clothes and jumping into burning hot shower water has become my daily morning routine. Apparently (according to Good Health magazine), you should keep your shower water as cold as you can bear it, but unfortunately I can't bear it much colder than steaming hot. Hence the dry skin during this entire season.
And to make matters worse, the aircon at work is pointed directly at me. GRr...
And to make matters worse, the aircon at work is pointed directly at me. GRr...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
yeah it's time to switch that brain off...
I didn't think I sounded that tired, but I guess it's just become part of my personality. Picking up the phone with half a sigh... wondering if there is anything other than more obligations to really look forward to.
It's been a fortnight full of ugly insights into the sickening reality of adulthood... and yes, I would like to quietly slip under my 3 blankets, cuddle up with my Eeyore, Mylow and Grrr... and pretend that growing up is on my "wish list" as opposed to my never ending "to-do" list.
Granted, there are some perks. But I'm not in the mood to go down that path tonight.
Instead, tonight, I am listening to "Seventeen Ain't So Sweet" (which is also getting a bit depressing, because I sure as hell ain't seventeen anymore, and the fire in my eyes and the strain in my voice is long gone), and wondering why my brain keeps on ticking, even though I've turned its switch off many times. Perhaps it's defaulted into "work mode" and will stay there until the day I resign. Oh F%^#K.
Ahhh - the song has switched to "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever." That's better. Much more soothing.
So... today I was still in the office at 6:15pm, trying to chase up a few of the 59 flagged emails. I managed to get through about 30 of them before I realised the Operations Team were all about to pack up and leave for the night, and there was no way I was going to stay in that big leaking demountable all by myself.
I caught the slow train home, listening to "Big Girls Don't Cry" and was hit with the fact that I'm not a big girl, and yes I do cry. I am small, tired, and wish someone would pick me up and give me a really long, affectionate hug - without my having to ask for it.
By "someone" I actually mean my boyfriend... who is great at giving hugs... but he's been somewhat distracted lately. What with work... and then he's one of the biggest purchases of his life... and he's going to Brisbane tomorrow. That amongst other things. So I couldn't really count on him to notice any of my clues about needing some emotional support tonight.
Instead I turn to this screen, these worn out keys of this faithful HP, the heater purring beside my bed, and the candle flickering and wafting the aroma of frangipanis and rose petals.
My hair needs a wash.
It's been a fortnight full of ugly insights into the sickening reality of adulthood... and yes, I would like to quietly slip under my 3 blankets, cuddle up with my Eeyore, Mylow and Grrr... and pretend that growing up is on my "wish list" as opposed to my never ending "to-do" list.
Granted, there are some perks. But I'm not in the mood to go down that path tonight.
Instead, tonight, I am listening to "Seventeen Ain't So Sweet" (which is also getting a bit depressing, because I sure as hell ain't seventeen anymore, and the fire in my eyes and the strain in my voice is long gone), and wondering why my brain keeps on ticking, even though I've turned its switch off many times. Perhaps it's defaulted into "work mode" and will stay there until the day I resign. Oh F%^#K.
Ahhh - the song has switched to "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever." That's better. Much more soothing.
So... today I was still in the office at 6:15pm, trying to chase up a few of the 59 flagged emails. I managed to get through about 30 of them before I realised the Operations Team were all about to pack up and leave for the night, and there was no way I was going to stay in that big leaking demountable all by myself.
I caught the slow train home, listening to "Big Girls Don't Cry" and was hit with the fact that I'm not a big girl, and yes I do cry. I am small, tired, and wish someone would pick me up and give me a really long, affectionate hug - without my having to ask for it.
By "someone" I actually mean my boyfriend... who is great at giving hugs... but he's been somewhat distracted lately. What with work... and then he's one of the biggest purchases of his life... and he's going to Brisbane tomorrow. That amongst other things. So I couldn't really count on him to notice any of my clues about needing some emotional support tonight.
Instead I turn to this screen, these worn out keys of this faithful HP, the heater purring beside my bed, and the candle flickering and wafting the aroma of frangipanis and rose petals.
My hair needs a wash.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Journey of the WYD Cross & Icon Music Video
This is the result...of many trials, sacrifices, time given, love offered... and crosses beared.
Enjoy.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
playing with the technologically advanced
hey so get this. Im at edwins and im blogging with my phone. Its crazy wat u can do with phones these days. I dont even know if this will work, or if wat im typing with predictive text is working. Lets hope im not paying for this connection- i mean seriously.. Itd b pretty stupid if i had to since im not even goin online via OPTUS. Anyway... This is a great way to spend a sunday. Grooving on the couch, listening to music.. And thinking about absolutely nothing.
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