undiscovered

Sometimes I just want to throw up everything that is inside... just because there are too many thoughts in my head. Just because there are too many hurts, too many burdens, too many prayers unheard (not because He doesn't listen... but because I'm too lazy to pray). All these things, of course, are my own fault. My fault for not trusting Him more, my fault for not surrendering everything, my fault for being selfish... my fault because it just is.

Sometimes I stare at the screen fighting back tears because sometimes... it feels like I'm not cut out for this. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate, sometimes I feel like such a liar, sometimes I feel unwanted, unworthy and completely out of my league. And sometimes, I wonder why it is I chose to choose this path. Sometimes I wonder why roads can't just be straight, without pot-holes and speed-bumps and people screaming at you and trucks thundering past to scare the hell out of you. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be most twenty-one year olds - why they hell am I so eager, why must I be so passionate, why must I be determined or driven.. why can't I just be lazy, lost and not in the mood... because other people seem to be, and I'm sick of feeling left out.

Sometimes I sit in the driver's seat of my car unaware of where I'm going or how I'm even getting there, but really wish the tears would stop coming out of my eyes because it's dangerous to drive in the rain.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into His arms, cry on His shoulder and weep until there is no water left in me... just so he can fill me with His life because mine just doesn't seem to fit right.

Sometimes is right about now.