i give it... a 8.5

If I were to rate this weekend, I'd say it was way up there with the happy moments of Europe, GAT, and other such adventures. I guess it's been a while since I've an exceptionally fantastic experience that's really made me smile genuine smiles. So... since happy, good days are such a rarity lately, I thought I'd record what was involved in such a high-scoring, historical event.

SaturdaY:

- Slept in til 10:36am, and decided that it wasn't time to get out of bed, so I stayed under the covers reading "A Return to Modesty." By far, the most thought-provoking but interesting book about feminity and everything good about being a girl (if you ever wonder why women are more powerless than they ever have been in history, why we're so insecure, afraid, and why we should reclaim our dignity... then read that book).

- Got out of bed when I heard the vacuum cleaner running. Attempted to do something productive, but only got as far as plugging in my hair straightener.

- Straightened hair as Sarah lay on my bedroom floor and we began what became a day-long conversation about the perplexities of team life, the things that we're sick of, the need for a bludge, and my deepest desire to be taken care of.

- Opened my bedroom window to find a crisp, warm breeze and fantastically blue sky waiting for me.

- Changed into jeans and my bungee jumping singlet and bashed away at my drum-kit until Sarah was ready... headed to Eastgate.

- Bummed at Bondi Junction for 2 hours (took about 1/2 an hour to find parking... so make that 1.5 hours)... which involved having this for brunch:

Wait: does brunch have to happen before lunch? Because I believe we consumed that wonderful dish at about 1:50pm... but I hadn't had brekky yet, so that counts as brunch.

- After sitting in Gloria Jeans and reading really stupid Hollywood gossip magazines, I'll admit I feel a lot better. I figure if you ever get depressed and think your life is screwing up, then pick up Womans Day or something. All that crap about hollywood actors/actresses... i feel for them. Constantly scrutinised, judged, made fun of... and all they can do is keep on digging themselves into that hole. Pray for 'em.

- To continue our splurge day, Sarah and I finally left and went to East Gardens to attempt grocery shopping. I say "attempt" because it took us about 2 hours of window shopping to finally work up the energy to walk into Woolworths. (haha... yeah like that even makes sense). I'll admit it was so much fun walking around David Jones, General Pants, Portmans, Sportsgirl and a whole heap of chic stores, knowing we were dead broke and couldn't afford anything we tried on. But man it was good to be girly again:

- Here's my dress my Portmans. (I only say "my dress" because I want it.) I hate being poor, but I figure even if I wasn't, I wouldn't buy it because it's over $100.

It's fun shopping with Sare coz she's a punk princess AND a girly-girl, so we're on the same wave length. She'll see a dress, and I'll find a funky shirt, and life is good because we both agree that both are great. And the best part is we both know we're missionaries so we don't actually need to buy anything! So we spent the afternoon being idiots... reminds me of the times in high school when I used to hang with my mates at Westpoint (back when it was a tiny shopping centre) and try on pretty clothes, hoping for a more up-style life. Hahaha...

- Eventually we got REALLY girl, started talking about life, the future, what we'd do if (God-forbid) we ended up like our parents, if it's possible to find the perfect guy, where we would live if we couldn't live in Sydney (which, by the way, is definitely the BEST city in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD), and what type of engagement ring we would want.

This type of conversation, of course, is ridiculous, coz neither of us have boyfriends. But that didn't stop us from walking into Prouds and checking our wedding rings (sad, yes, but I do believe that was the whole point of the day).

- Eventually we bought groceries (spent about $100 at Joes Meat Market, then another $150 at Woolies - who thought feeding 7 people would cost so much a week?!). Our house seems to be getting fuller, now that Justine's moved in. And Taryn's coming back to Sydney after a year in the UK. So the CYS house is buzzing with people...

- So we drove home, absolutely exhausted, but extremely satisfied. Changed into our PJs and sprawled out in our hallway, looking at cookbooks, trying to figure out if we could be bothered to cook anything for dinner.

- Banged away at faithful Ash once again. (I might actually be getting worse at drums, because I haven't been practicing, which is awful).. and got a call from Eddoes, who announced his arrival at my front door.

- Thus started the lazy preparation of dinner. Chicken in cream & mustard sauce and... (haha what else?) RICE. That's when I discovered Edwin actually has a technique to how he eats his food (**note to self: he's good at cooking at rice.)

- And then we ended the fantastic Saturday with a stroll around Sydney. *sigh* How I love my city! We re-discovered Mrs Macquarie's Chair and spent a split-second appreciating it, then drove around to the Rocks. It was nice just walking around, looking at the stars, laughing at random things, saying a prayer on the warf, and admitting (quite thankfully) that I'd never be an upper-class high-roller (ask Edwin what that means, because I'm not sure if I even know).

And thus I ended Saturday somewhat exhausted, but with a massive smile on my face.

Woke up this morning and prayed for energy. I was lying in bed looking at old pictures, when I made a deal with God: "If you give me a good day today... I'll... uh... be good." I'm not sure if I stuck to my end of the bargain, but God did. So to end this historical record of this once-in-a-season experience, here are the highlights of Sunday:

1. Singing @ Mass with Tristan and Bec.
2. Raising enough money for a GK house in the Phils, just from the donations from one Parish. WOW. That got me teary - joyful tears.
3. The little boy (probably about 9 or 10 years old) who stood at our donations booth, tipping out the coins from his wallet. He held them in his hand, looked at us sheepishly and offered his $3.30 towards our mision trip to the Philippines, saying "It's not much, but you can have it." That was a crying moment, right there - how beautiful is that?! I hope he knows that his pocket money just paid for part of someone's new home.
4. The little girl (probably 7 or 8 years old), Dian, who approached me after the 6pm Mass to say, "It's really nice what you guys are doing to help other people. I like it." And put her $1 in my money tin...
5. All the babies at the 10am Mass who got my clucky, and reaffirmed my ultimate desire to be a Mum one day.
6. Meat pies, fish and chips and chocolate milkshakes at the beach with Tristan, Sarah and Bec. Waves are always soothing... thank you God for the water.
7. Afternoon siesta after jam-session on drums.
8. Night prayer....

And although life is hardly fantastic, and things have yet to turn around... I'm oh-so-grateful for good weekends like this. Thank you God!! And I should thank the team while I'm here... they're legends, and I love them. THank you Bec for putting up with me, Sarah for spending time with me, Beth who always makes me smile, Box for your energy, Joe for your servant's heart, Lyndon for understanding me, and Justine for affirming me.

To all the people back at home.. I miss you.

Lord, Your love is unfailing... My fear is lost where you are... Amen.

we wrote a song today!

It's called:

"Oh Crappy Day - As Opposed to Oh Happy Day (i.e. a song for when you want to laugh/scream/cry, but still a love song for Jesus & God)"

V1:
When no one understands me
I know that you do
When no one wants to here this (*@#$%!!*)
I know that you do

REF:
And I know that I don't know much
But I know that you'd give me the world
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me

V2:
When no one wants to see me
I know that you do
When I have nothing worthwhile to say
I know that you do

REF:
And I know when I'm feeling too tired
I know you'd take my baggage and give me somewhere to hide
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me...

And today you let me see
It's all for you
Everything I do
This #!%!^ I go through
- Today was... for you.

In the office talking to Joe. "Every day is a learning curve," he says to me. My personal favourite: "God is the lightbulb that follows you around." Gotta love Joe - one of a kind.

i love...

the smell of freshly washed clothes when they come out of a dryer...

currently craving:

Fried Chicken. Was thinking about it at about 6:57am as we drove down Alison Rd on our way to the motor way. Don't know why it popped into my head, but mate it's been on my mind for a while.

Thought I'd come down here for some free time... Slept my way through dinner tonight, and woke up to watch Harvie Crumpet on DVD (strange but somewhat enlightening short film with the guy from the Dilmah Tea ads doing the v/over of a statue... *ahem*) and Desperate Housewives... I've watched more prime-time TV in the past week than I have this whole year (yeah a whole 11 hours of it) - which just goes to show I haven't been in much touch with the world.

And so now... I smell like popcorn (not the best thing to be reaking of just before bed) and I'm wondering if it's worth keeping in-the-know with what's been happening in the world because it's pretty depressing.

I thought I'd announce to the world that right now, at this precise moment of 10:17pm, EST, I'm quite over it. I did a talk yesterday with the SPY kids, and it was awesome being there again, serving them, and seeing them praying, seeing them spend time with God and build up their faith that things to turn out well, that there is a reason behind things that go wrong...

And here I am late on a Monday night after a spiritually draining day... and man... I wish someone would give me that talk. I want someone to sit me down and tell me that it's alright to have your life falling apart, it's alright to be feeling hurt and to miss life the way it used to happen, and it's ok to be terrified, confused, tired, abandoned and torn apart... because that's everything I'm feeling at the moment... but I'm not quite sure that anyone understands why...

My sister's MSN nick is "pretty red nails" and I'm just trying to figure out the last time I even did my nails, did something completely girly, or really had time out, without feeling like it was work... or thinking about when I had to get back to work.. and then I wonder if I'll ever have that feeling again because now that I'm outta school, I don't think it's available... and my only escape is thinking, daydreaming and discussing a future with a someone that doesn't quite exist yet. Hahaha... what a sad, sad bubble I'm in right now. Man I need something sharp.

breathe

It's a rare feeling to feel on a Friday night - relief. Relaxed. At peace. Usually on a Friday night, I'm feeling phased. Like my hair should be turning grey, or my face should be covered in acne (who am I kidding, my face is covered in acne. Big pimple on my chin... yuck!)

Actually, to be honest, lately I've been going to bed stressed and tired most nights. It's not common to be feeling... uh... wound down? Usually I'm uptight. Worried. Now.. I'm just over it.

Perhaps its because I prayed to God this morning. An honest, angry prayer. Basically I said, "Look, you know I'm always going to say yes to you. You know that no matter what you ask me to do, where you tell me to go, I'll go. So please don't drag me through the mud today. Or please don't make today hard for me. I'm tired. I just want a good day. A day when I don't have to go to bed wanting to cry, and wanting the next day to come already, because the day that just went by sucked. No... I want today to be a good day. And since today is Your day, please make it a good one."

I honestly didn't think God would listen to such a stuck-up, spoilt brat of a prayer. Here I am whinging about my own hates and unhappiness, when bombs are being blown up in the Middle East, where kids are dying from starvation in Africa, and the teenagers of America are being ripped off and exploited by a power-tripping media.

Now that I think about it, life ain't that bad.

But I'm not going to pretend it's fine and dandy for me. It's not. I'm tired. Tired of leading, tired of being wonderful, tired of being accountable, tired of being "the missing link" in so many people's lives. Sometimes I just want to be... uh... how do I put it? Small? I feel insignificant, but usually because my work transcends my own abilities. Sometimes I just want to be insignificant. Not in charge. Not in the lead. Not the source of answers.

Somewhere, in the distance, a very, very distant voice whispers soothingly, "It's ok Joy, you're not in charge. You're not in the lead. You're not the source of answers. I am. So just rest. It's ok."

But the voice is faint, and most of the time, all I can hear are people asking me questions, people asking me to do more things, lead more events etc. etc.

Today, though, did turn out to be a great day. I thought I should record it, before I forget that good days do happen. I guess because I finally took the time to breathe, and remember that I'm not alone. And there are other, more enjoyable ways of serving people (that don't include being up the front, or running activities)... tonight's service involved pumpkin soup, chees croutes, tacos, and a choc-coffee-walnut cake served with choc-chip ice-cream and toffee. I've never cooked up a storm before, but tonight was my debut. And it was a great. Great to see people smiling as they ate, great to hear their laughter in the dining room as I rushed around the kitchen.

And as I wiped down the stove tonight, and stepped back to look at a somewhat-clean kitchen, I was happy. And grateful... because even when it's hard, and even when the work hurts... God reminds me: it's ok. I love you... your family loves you. Just breathe.

Everybody hurts, everybody aches
Everybody fails, everybody breaks
Just breathe
Let it out and breathe

Everybody cuts, everybody bleeds
Every hidden scar is justified -
so breathe,
Let it out and breathe...
Just breathe

Dear Fallout Boy,

I was wondering... is it ok if we swap powers for a while? I quite admire your abilities when it comes to being supportive, patient, and incredibly funny... and I'm sick of being "Wonderful" all the time. Sick of leading, sick of being responsible... and to be honest, I think it's time to throw the cape in. Or perhaps I should pursue a less ambitious career path. I'll admit - saving souls is a ridiculously hard job. People always manage to stuff themselves up again.

So how about it? Mind if I resign for a while? Crawl under a rock maybe... and you can take over? I'm sick of being hero. Right now, I just need to be rescued.

Kind regards,

"Wonder Woman"

the mi goreng life

Beautiful Sunday afternoon... just went for a stroll down Clovelly Rd thinking of what to have for lunch, and opted for home-cooked-MSG-packed Asian 2-minute noodles. I figure it's the last day of my holidays, so I can be as damned lazy as I want to be. Besides, I have to be in Randwick in less than two hours.. which doesn't give me much time to sit in my bed and vege with a DVD.

So... what has the last two weeks involved? Not much, I can guarentee you that! And that's exactly the type of break I wanted to have.

** Driving around the suburbs, with nothing major on the agenda.

** Celebrating Nez's 22nd birthday (haha - OLD!) and chilling with old mates again.

** Lunch at Circular Quay wharf with Jonna, Vincent and Nereus. Gelato at Coogee and a long, deep and meaningful walk up the hill.

**Spent a night cruising around Coogee and Circular Quay, appreciating the view of Sydney, eating cheap food and drinking beautiful Italian hot chocolate with Jason.

** Came back to the CYS house for a weekend for the YFC Campus camp - that was totally worth it. The guys at that camp have totally redefined the game "TABOO" forever... serving with Carlos again was cool, making that video with Gi, and meeting all those new participants? ALRIGHT! Good times..

** DVDs on the couch back at home, under a big, warm blanket.

** Scabbing chocolate cookies off Eddoes.

** Girly, philosophical pizza dinner @ Rocky's with Ivy. She always reminds me to be faithful, makes me smile, and is one of the most heavenly and beautiful young women I know!
** Meeting John Howard at McDonald's. That was random... but mate, it was hilarious. Spent a day with Gemma, Lisa and Bec again - YAY! I missed that... just being lazy girls (what we do best).

** Being, hugged, looked after and taken care of when sick... :)

** Babysitting Caitlyn.. aww that cute pudgy baby - I love her!

** Sydney's Act1v8 Launch!! Last night's crowd of over 600 people @ St Mary's was... WOW! Totally AMAZING. The band rocked over, the singers gave me tingles, the DVD premiere for the WYD promo got me teary... all in all, an awesome night to kick start the term.

Aha... and there it is... life on term officially commences... umm.. tomorrow at 11am - I think. Hehe.. and what a great term it'll be.

I can't believe it's already half-way through the year. I can finally say I've settled into our house and am somewhat possessive over it (I feel annoyed when I notice it's not being taken care of). But right now... I won't step into missionary territory year because I still have just about 20 hours of holiday time left... and I plan to milk every single minute of it.

meet... the product of my study

Uh... yeah... so this is what comes out of my brain when I spend a whole day attempting to study:

Meet Hat Man! His super power is that he can turn into hats. That's about as far as got in terms of creativity... hehe... God bless you world.