Thursday, December 29, 2005

hey maggot bum - this one's for you!

My Hawaiian Name is:

Lanikai Kiana




My Superhero Profile

My Superhero Name is The Green Ranger
My Superpower is Nanotechnology
My Weakness is Frogs
My Weapon is my Poison Pistol
My Mode of Transportation is Pony




And finally... apparently I'm this type of candy... hahaha... =p

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.


nos·tal·gi·a (nŏ-stăl'jə, nə-)

1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

*******
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong


*******

I found a crate of things from World Youth Day that I'd stashed under my bed when I got home from the trip and forgotten about - until tonight. A couple of painstaking hours of sorting resulted in a bulging purple photo album full of everything but photos - ticket stubs, boarding passes, postcards, toilet receipts (yes you lose a lot of Euros just because you need to empty your bladder), food coupons, train tickets, prayers from the gazillion churches and cathedrals that we visited, and the "We Will Rock You" program from London. And all of a sudden it's past 2am. How did that happen?

Now I'm figuring out what I'm going to do in my remaining five days. Lets see now...
- there's the filing that I just don't want to touch.
- getting ready for uni (i.e. buying my books... OR getting Nereus to buy my books)
- preparing the agenda for the SPY camp
- writing the Christmas/New Year edition of "inSPYrd" - my final editorial hoorah of my first every regular youth publication (exciting or depressing? I don't know...)
- Finish Edwin's "farewell" gift which was meant to be a Christmas gift but was delayed in its completion
- BAKE COOKIES
- Celebrate the New Year (hmm... no big plans.. anyone got suggestions?)
- Learn how to cook something other than cookies
- Apologise to my roomie for being such a bitch tonight. I don't think I've ever brushed her off like that... but I'm just sick of not having my own space. Nez warned me that since I'm going to have pah-lenty of space next year, I should be careful... but sometimes my emotions need to be breathe. And since I feel so suffocated every time I'm home, I try to escape as often as possible. I wonder how long it'll take me to get home sick next year??
- Write looong thank you letters to my mates. I found three letters that I got just before I left for WYD (actually, I received two before WYD... Ian's letter arrived on the cruise ship somewhere between Rhodes and Kusadasi c/o of Mush) - and suddenly I had heart-pains. Heart pains because I was never good at embracing change... and next year, it feels like a lot of things are gonna change.

Things not to forget to bring:
- Eeyore stuffed toy that reminds me fondly of the three boys that pitched in to buy it for me for Christmas last year... *sniff*
- A pillow
- A laundry basket
- Guitar picks
- My sanity
- Humility

Things to leave behind:
- Enormous collection of unnecessary handbags
- My comfort zones
- This awful fear that seems to be growing more and more everyday.

*******


Dear God, I feel like I'm waiting I've been standing on the pier for an awfully long time. I'm starting to get a bit sea-sick. I keep watching the waves with the hope that they carry me away... but at the same time I don't want to leave the safety of this harbour. I don't want to wave goodbye to the shores. But I promised I would... and I made that promise knowing that I'd be letting go of a lot. But why did it have to get harder? Why is there more to let go of now than there was when I made the choice to board this boat? Why couldn't I have just packed my belongings and all the strings attached to this heart of mine a month ago?

Please remind me that you're travelling with me. That you're holding my hand through all of this. That you and I are making this voyage together and there isn't a moment in this where I'm alone. Sometimes I feel suffocated... and at other times I feel so isolated. I feel like I've lost you in a crowd. I got distracted and let go of you, and now I'm wondering how I lost you and why I was stupid enough to let go. The discomfort and the panic is starting to sink in. I see familiar faces, I hear familiar voices... but right now... all I want is You.

Please take my hand again. Take me into your arms and let me crawl in there for a while so I can cry. If you want, feel free to carry me onto this boat... because I don't think I can walk onto it alone. My confidence is shaky, and I'm scared I'll lose you in the crowd again.

And that's just it... I don't want to lose You. I don't want to walk away from You. I want to hold onto You as tightly as I can, and take this journey with You. So please take my hand again. Take my heart and all its brokenness, its fears, its dreams, its hopes, its aspirations... and replace it with all that You want and all that You plan. Map out our voyage using Your directions. I'll let You choose the people who'll join us on this boat.

Please take my hand again. Please take me home.

Your Joy.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

guard the beat like the rhythm is your life

I don't really like giving advice. But people ask me for advice, and then I wonder why they heck they ask me because I don't even listen to myself when I'm supposed to... But here it is anyway: the advice I should have given me before I started walking down a path I knew led to a dead end... for the sake of those who are trying to avoid pot-holes and other such mishaps.

Be careful.
Be honest.
Be true to yourself and what you know you deserve.
Don't cut corners.
Don't compromise your dignity.
Don't say yes when your heart is hesitating.
Nothing is worth less than your best.
Tell the truth about who you are... even if you don't like it. God loves it.
For the true ability to give and get, you must learn to forgive and forget.
Sometimes the biggest risk is to take no risk at all
.
There is only one thing that has lasted for all of eternity. Don't be stupid enough to love anything else with your entire heart.
Faithfulness is accomplishing a journey with little steps. Those who try to take giant leaps get tired and fall.
Understand and accept your weaknesses. Everyone has them.


Guard your heart - it beats the rhythm to your life.


See people too often forget that actions speak louder than words. So you can say that you care... but if you don't act like you care, then to hell with those words. Don't cheapen the English language by not acting on their meaning. It annoys the hell out of me. *sigh* I guess the thing is some people just don't think about how their actions could be interpreted.

I feel like a squashed spider tangled up in my own web.

naked bedroom walls

I could have washed a small puppy with the amount of sweat that was dripping from my skin about five minutes ago... assuming that I had a puppy of course. And I doubt perspiration is very hygenic... but it seems that there is a sauna disguised as my bedroom upstairs, and it's not a very inviting place to be at the moment.

This heat makes the things on my to-do list somewhat difficult to achieve - instead of vacuuming the horribly dusty corners of that freaky space otherwise known as Under My Bed, I'm sitting directly under the airconditioning system in the computer room. And instead of packing, I've just transfered all the junk that was once upstairs in my sauna/bedroom into the living room. *sigh* And the trouble is figuring out just what I'm supposed to pack.

I just re-read Lydon's introductory letter to the mission team: Next year will be a fantastic year of mission, and it is really important to leave distractions behind, to focus on Jesus who will get us through, and help us fight the good fight.

So what counts as a "distraction" exactly? I can name a few... but not publicly. I'm having enough difficulty trying to un-kerfuffle the emotional overload that the Christmas season brought with it and left behind in my brain. Family. Friends. More-than-but-not-really-"just-friends". Work. YFC.

...My bedroom walls look bare and depressing. I'm one of those girls who like to cover walls with as much sentimental stuff as I possibly can to remind me of good times, hopeful eras and joyful moments. Now those sentimental belongings are in a box on top of my desk. Bible passages, inspirational quotes, photos, paintings. I was trying to decide whether or not to move my pin-board from this bedroom to the Clovelly bedroom, because it has my world map on it. Trying to figure out what to hang onto and what to let go of is a tough decision. For the past three days I've been muttering "simplify your life... simplify your life..." as I discard broken belongings, broken memories, and unnecessary items from the clutter that is my bedroom. Today I discovered three dried roses pinned to the sides of my whiteboard and totally forgot who had given them to me and for what occassion - a sure sign that they too now belong in the black garbage bag.

There's not much else I need to pack so I can cart them off to the mission house next week. But there is a lot of things I want to pack away and seal with heavy-duty duck tape. Like that ugly pile of filing that is now sitting on top of the organ. And my uni ... stuff. (I was about to write "uni crap" but that's just mean isn't it?) But I can't really pack that away just yet. I've got one more subject to go and that starts in less than three weeks. I guess the good news is that one month from now, I should have completed the last subject of my degree. Whoopteedoooo!!!

Then there's all my YFC files. Talk outlines. Reflections. Conference and retreat memorabilia. Photos. Activities and games archives. *sigh* I could dedicate a whole new blog to the life I had in YFC. I cried bucket-loads the night we had the West Upper Household Christmas party... not because I was sad... but because it finally hit me that I was letting go of something that has been an enormous part of my life since I was in 9th grade. This must be how to feels to donate an kidney or some other body organ. You know... give it up for bigger and better things, for the benefit of other people... despite the risks involved, the pain of the surgery, or permanent feeling that you're just not quite yourself anymore.

Then of course there's SPY. I was about to get teary on Christmas Eve, until I realised I must be the luckiest Youth Coordinator to be working with so many fun, faithful and talented people. And it's not the success of the group that makes my heart swell. It's seeing them learn how to love that makes me so happy. You know how rare it is to witness such profound changes? People walk past those miracles everyday. But I got to watch it, work with it and have it work in me for two and a half years. It'll kill me to pull down all those photos on my office door though. It's funny how attached I am... but if you meet these kids, you'll understand why.

The tide is changing in the life of joyous_skitz. My family doesn't seem to think this is a big deal since I can come back on weekends. But coming back home isn't particularly appealing since I'm hardly at home anyway... it's everything else that I'm saying goodbye to that will make 2006 so different. Studies, my youth group, my service, my job, my friends.

The things that once piled on top of a plate that people thought was so difficult to balance are all finally clearing away for a platter with a very different size and serving. Will I be left hungry? I doubt it... but I'm still freakin scared.

At least my room in Clovelly won't be so naked. ;o)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

"i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine... and he shall be my squishy (Dory - from Finding Nemo)

One of my favouritist things to do is to lie belly down on my bed and write. Or read. Or sleep. Anything that takes very little effort. At the moment Roanne is singing "A you're adorable, B you're so beautiful, C you're a cutie full of chaaarm..." Hahaha... thanks sis. You weirdo. That's why I love you and that's why we get along.

Recently I discovered the maddest play-friend neighbour who has just as much fun throwing pop-rocks on the ground as I do. =) I like people who I can have childish fun with. Soon I will introduce him to the magic of popping candy and Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. I think I shall call him Squishy. He's one of those people who I wanna chase around the backyard, bash up and laugh at - but only because he's fun to be around. There is one side of him that is childishly ignorant and vague, whilst another is maliciously in-the-know - and he uses his in-the-know powers to win fights against me. Yesterday he gave me the most incredulous look because of the uncanny level of excitement I had from a simple Toys R Us balloon. I explained to him that it doesn't take much to make me happy - give me 5 minutes of childhood memories and I will keep smiling for the entire day.

Another recent discovery (or really it was a re-discovery or re-realisation) is my theory of the source of most of our uncomfortability and frustration is that we just don't belong here. We weren't made to be here... we belong somewhere much better.

Perhaps that's why I find so much satisfaction when I think of being a kid again. Back at our old 1 storey house, my backyard was anything from my bike track to a Amazon forest, and 18th century town, a jungle full of fierce pagan warriors or even heaven (I do remember pretending that the clothes line was God's throne once...) Kids have the right idea when they play make-believe because it's like they're acting out the very instinct that they're not meant to be on this earth... that there's something more exciting and fantastic elsewhere, beyond our reach but very close to our fingertips.

I often wonder how God feels when he watches us try and try to make things more comfortable and more convenient for ourselves. Part of me thinks he is laughing at our futile attempts. Another part of me thinks he is heartbroken, because so many people don't realise that the answer to all our discomfort and frustration is going to be born in just under two weeks.

Anyway, back to this play friend of mine - Squishy. I swear this guy is hilarious. Cute and sometimes a bit on the quiet side... but mainly hilarious. Reminds me to keep things simple. To appreciate things like chocolate ice cream, enormous mangoes for dessert, and music by bands I haven't discovered yet.

I often wonder what will happen when this friend of mine grows up, and if things will be the same or feel the same when he realises that I'm in my twenties and still facinated by Disney movies and Widget the World Watcher. I wonder what he'll think of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when he turns 30. Or if he'll even remember those things of childhood. Like those bands you slapped onto your wrists, and hyper-colour t-shirts and the basketball ring in his backyard (one thing I always asked for but never actually got... what a shame!)

In the midst of our laughable conversations I ask him, "What on earth am I going to do with you?!" and he shyly replies with, "Uh...Pray?" And my heart melts and I smile and say a prayer about him growing up so one day I can give him hugs on the couch and we can watch TV without having to worry about what time he has to go home.

See the laughable (but award winning!) REV project.
Check out the guitarist and the student - they're my favourites.
Well done team... this won't be up for long, so for those who actually are interested... enjoy. Watch out coz you'll need your volume up and a fast d/load speed. Buhahaha...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

tonight's unfortunate anti-climax

It is soooo not cool when people ruin good moments and good conversations with unneccesary fits of rage and screaming. Today was a tiring, but altogether good day. Almost uglyfied by elder-sisterly complaints about things that don't need to be yelled about. *sigh*

So here's today's "perfect family moment" - my parents and I went to watch Harry Potter. Too bad siblings #2 and 3 weren't there, because that would've made it ultra-perfect. But yeah... I don't think I've ever watched a movie with my parents. So that's one tick on Joy's "wish list" right there. Yeah yeah... so that was on my wish list. Is that so weird? If it is, I'm not apologising - I like hanging with my paroes. But only when they're in a happy, childish mood. Unfortunately, that's a rare occassion. But I suppose rarity makes us appreciate these things more.

I realised last night that my life is very much akin to the beach. Perhaps that's why I enjoy trips there so much. Sometimes the waves are soft and gentle, and they curl onto the sand like a teasing invitation to test their depths. And at other times, when I foolishly wade into deeper waters, the waves drag me into overpowering currents, and I am suddenly ycaught in a rip without the necessary swimming skill to get mself out. There has only been one Life Guard strong enough to have braved all tides with me throughout my lifetime. I'm almost definite that I don't need to mention His name.

This morning I felt like a tsunami had drowned me in my sleep. My neck was aching and my muscles were stiff. And all I could think about was the amount of filing under my office desk. Yuck. But morning Mass and the McDonald's breakfast tradition lifted my spirits. (I'm sure the mocha with a double shot of chocolate had something to do with my energy too).

Right now the critical battery sign has popped up on my laptop so I should hit the sack and catch some zzzs. *rolls eyes at lack of originality*

I can't believe there are less than 3 weeks of 2006 left. How did it escape so quickly? Will next year roll by at full speed too? What will the waves have in store... and what will I leave behind on the safety of my shore? What harbour will I be docked on in 365 days? Only God knows...

Oh God... I'm so tired. I was never good at treading water, but now it feels like I'm stranded with no lifeboat and the seagulls are making ugly noises and circling me with the threat to poop on my head. =(

I realised I haven't been blogging because there have been real human ears to spend therapeautic venting time with. I listen to his lame jokes and he listens to my ridiculously childish stories that don't go anywhere. And like every other story on this blog, this entry has gone no-where.

Adios and good night!

Monday, December 12, 2005

The happenings of Miss Adventure

My sisters gave my Mum the maddest Mother's Day present this year - a back massager. You know those cool things you see in electrical appliance stores and they invite you to have a free trial and you sit on the leather chair and it massages your back? Yeah... those things. So I'm sitting here in the dining room getting a full back and thigh massage. It's brilliant. That's what I call multi-tasking.

I've been telling Jonna all year that us girls should get full body massages... and I'm in the mood for one ay? It's been a hectic month since uni finished up. And I thought things would get quiter once I got over 2nd semester this year. But I was wrong BIG time! Hahaha... but don't take that as a complaint. Things have been the good type of busy - God's work - type of busy. :)

So what's been doin in the life of joyous_skitz? Today involved a spontaneous group outting with Suarez, Nez (welcome back btw!), Cheska, Pielle, Ryan & Jane to Lello's in Parra... mmm-mmm to lychee, kinder surprise, peanut butter fudge, nutella, taro, bailey's irish cream, blood orange, watermelon, mango, bubblegum and tira misu gelato. Big smiles to go around!!

You know I just realised these last few weeks have been filled with the maddest memories of childhood. The first experience was a couple of weeks ago on the way home from Canberra when we passed by McDonald's and I bought a Happy Meal. Discovered the coolest Happy Meal toys of all time - Transformers AND Care Bears. Just chuck in some Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles and that's my childhood right there. Haha... so I opted for the Care Bears Photo album. Good times in the car trying to figure out which Care Bear best suited the personalities of Bokyo, Victor, Gerry, Ryan and Kuya Vince.

A couple of days later was a shopping adventure for Ryan's presents. That was funny stuff... coz we DID discover Ninja Turtles candles in Coles. There were almost 20 balloons flying around the boot of the car on Monday morning. And then he busted me hiding cinnamon sugar in his pantry... that was hilarious. Later in the week, Eddoes bought a Happy Meal and gave a brilliant video demonstration of how to transform IronHide (sound effects included... and he's been singing the theme song all week... haha)

Then there was last night's SPY Christmas Party which WENT OFF!!


It was soooo much fun. I think preparing for it was part of the hilarity - first was the trip to Parra for Suarez's police man get-up. And his first experience of Cold Rock ice cream (which was an unfortunate waste because we were way too full to finish a double scoop after massive meals from Oportos).

Then there was the trip to Land of Oz with Ryan on Friday afternoon... and it took a while to get over the fact that he actually put on the entire Jedi outfit AND agreed to wear it. Good times! With the light saber and the hair, it was brilliant.
Then there was Jane's fairy outfit.... the rushed adventure to Spotlight, and the amount of late-night and Sunday lunch-time laughter and teasing that accompanied the creation of Fallout Boy's superhero outfit. I guess TIME mag was in the know when they published the article titled "And the geeks shall inherit the earth.." =)

So I spent a funny night with Disney characters, angels, horror movies freaks, punk rock stars, gypsies celebrities, two Santa Clauses, Zoro, a genie, Xena and even Austin Powers. :) I felt like I was in one of those make-believe games you play in your backyard on a Summer afternoon when you're five years old. (btw Fr Warren is the biggest poser of all time. Hahaha... nah, just kidding. But he loved it.)

So... Phil smsd me and I realised that's the last SPY night for the year. Or forever really... which is sad. Although last night I wasn't sad - I was happy. I saw how much the kids had grown, how much love they had for each other, how much its leaders have grown (and continue to grow!) and how much fun they have in each others' company. It makes me smile to know what God can do with open hearts and people who are willing to love. And that's just it... it's all about LOVE.

Sometimes people forget... but in the end, what's really gonna matter is loving - each other AND especially GOD - especially when it's difficult.

*sigh* Hey so I'm gonna miss these guys ay? And the hanging out, the pointlessness, the childishness, the remembering to keep it real - especially when there are a whole heap of things to get crappy about. The thing the peeves me with my older sisters is that they can really crappy about pointless things that don't need to be fussed over. It's a shame really... it's like they got too cool to have fun. But nothing beats being stupid with your friends. Time can't erase the feeling of being able walk around in red leather boots and jump around a stage in a blue cape singing praise songs, the light-saber fight between Zoro and Anakin, Wonder Woman bashing Fallout Boy with giant red punching gloves, and watching 50 Cent get arrested by Constable Suarez. I'm just hoping that even when I'm fifty years old, I'll still wanna get all dressed up and have fun... or at least make stupid costumes from my grand kids. Hahaha... at least I've already had experience making a cape ay? *wink wink*