resting my brain

It's 4:41pm and I've been at uni for 7 hours. If I'm good, I'll stick around for another 3. Not that I want to stick around...My eyes hurt. I got 3 hours of sleep. The last person I spoke to last night was the person who woke me up this morning. I think I'm over-dosing on mobile phonecalls. Or maybe I'm being called too much.
I was pondering on that this morning... too much of something is never good. So maybe it's time to take a breath... take a step back... get my head out of the clouds, give my heart a sedative and rest my brain.
This day has been crazy. Got to uni before 9:30am and started working on my major project. I'm so sick of its title - here's a lesson to everyone - never recycle ideas, especially if those ideas risk being chosen as a major group work for the upcoming semester. If I ever see the word "Revelation" again, I'm going to puke. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't give me bad feelings or anything. But I'm telling you, the way to kill a good feeling is to over-do it. Hence the worrying about over-dosing on phone calls.

So right now I'm chatting to Aron and Fr Warren and totally abusing the wireless internet at my uni... finally brought my laptop in (something I've rarely done this year) but decided to bring it because of all the snaps I can scab and modify for the site.

Hey so I had a funny morning today. I tried to count blessings while I was on my way to uni, just to stay in a good mood. The funny things involve an Asian bus driver who got mad at an Indian woman for getting on the bus too early.
"I've still got 3 minutes of my break left!" He says, indignantly, in that brilliant Chinese accent that only Russel Peters can do without being bashed. "You get out and wait until I have my rest!"
Then there was the girl who was doing her nails on the back of the bus. What a weird one. I was reading "Guitar Highway Rose" on the back seat and caught a whiff of something chemical, and looked up to realise she was painting her nails while we were thundering down the M2. Strange, I tell you.

Ok... cut my brain out of my head and throw it into a warm bath with bubbles, strawberries, champagne and my personal masseuse. =) Thanks.

say a prayer for the uninspired, please

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins


Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

...Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

the how-tos of a successful relationship - part #1

My couch and I have a great relationship happening. I snuggle with its pillows and answer to its every beckon. I'm such a sucker man. Like this afternoon - I was meant to work on my assignment and I felt the need to visit my couch, and kabang - we spent a good hour and a half together... me snoring softly away between its leather arms. I'm a sucker for snuggles.

I think I'm getting sick. I feel really yucky today, and am thinking twice about going to the meeting tonight... even though I know I should... even though I really want to... but I could stay home and rest... and do my assignment... and spend more time with my couch. =)

Right now though... there's a bit of sunshine trying to break through my living room window. And to wake myself up, I shall do this completely pointless survey which I scabbed off someone else (sshhh!!) and we shall listen to Earth, Wind & Fire - "September," which seems totally appropriate since we've only got 2 days of September left.

12 weeks til Christmas baby!!

1. Time of starting this test? 4:47pm
2. Were you named after anyone? (Apparently, and I can't guarantee this) my mum's doctor. Hahahaha... won't tell you which type.
3. Do you wish on stars? Yup. Shooting stars to be precise (which aren't really stars anyway!) Wished on some in Borocay, and on the way to Poland we flew through a storm and I witnessed shooting stars up close, above clouds... that was cool!
4. When did you last cry? Last week after Terra camp as I finished telling Eddoes the story of Sky.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Hmm... sometimes. I don't write on lines and I change handwriting according to my mood... so there's something in there that I like, I'm sure.
6. What is your favourite meat? Chicken!!
7. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? Hahaha... (Roanne reminded me of this one) - The Christmas Macarena... (hey! I was 12! Shut up...)
8. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with? Oh for sure... I'm the coolest friend out. Hahahaha... *puke!* Hmm... I might be scared of myself actually.
9. Are you a daredevil? Ask Ryan what he made me eat today and the dares I've done, and he'll tell you.
10. Have u ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes... *blush*
11. How do you release anger? I argue... punch my pillow... headbang in the privacy of my bedroom... and PRAY.
12. Where is your second home? St Pat's. ;o)
13. Do you trust others easily? I used to. Now my trust is in God, rather than people.
14. What was your favourite toy as a child? A white stuffed toy rabbit, whose name is Swiftheart, and is sitting on my bed, with 13 years worth of dust in her fur.
15. What class in school do you think is totally useless? Hmm.. can't say I can think of one off the top of my head - I quite enjoyed my classes in school. Uni, on the other hand... oh crikey - all of them are useless!
16. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Yes! And mate do I miss those days.
17. Would you bungee jump? Yes indeed. Ask me to jump of a plane, and I'd do that too.
18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Can't say I do.
19. What's your favourite ice cream flavour? Everything sweet and fruity. Gelato at Rome Termini Station... that was nice. Swapping ice-cream with the guy you like? Even better!
20. What are your favourite colours? The colours you see on this entry.
21. What is your least favourite thing? Sin.
22. How many people do u have a crush on right now? One! About twenty, if you include guys like Hayden Christiensen, Jude Law, Joshua Jackson, Brad Pitt, Ashton Kutcher and the like...
23. What do you miss most right now? Europe, and the people there, the pilgrimage atmosphere...
24. What colour underwear are you wearing? White and pink. ;o)
25. What are you listening to right now? Gwen Stefani - 'Danger zone'
26. If you were a guitar chord, what would you be? G. And you know it!
27. What is the weather like right now? Clouds are clearing and it's cold. Or maybe it's not cold and I'm just sick... but it's typical mid-season transition weather.
28. Last person you talked to on the phone? Some guy from a Collections Office.
29. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Attitude. Then the way they smile... and their eyes.
30. Do you like the person who sent you this? To be honest it's been so long since I saved this as a draft BLOG, I can't remember who it was. But since I'm not one to not like people, the answer would be YES!
31. How are you today? Not bad, yourself? (Chris Dax!) Hahaha... no, I'm actually pretty good. I've only got thing that's worrying me, and that's uni. But I went to sleep and woke up with a smile on my face... Hehehe... *wink*
32. Favourite drink? Water. Funky fruit flavoured stuff like Peach Ice Tea, Lychee juice and the real fruit mixes...
33. Favourite alcoholic drink? Hrmm... Melon Bicardi?
34. Natural hair colour? Black.
35. Eye colour? Red. Nah... jokes. Brown.
36. Wear contacts? Nope.
37. Siblings? Four... no wait! Five! Yay!
38. Favourite month? December... Jesus' birthday and the beginning of SUMMER!
39. Favourite food? Chocolate! Yum yum... medium-well done steak, veggies and mashed potatoes... and sinigang.
40. Last movie you watched? "Serendipity" - which was two weeks ago. Hehehehe...
41. Favourite day of the year? Tomorrow.
42. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out? Do I ever ask people out? No. But would I be too scared? Hell nah!
43. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings!
44. Summer or winter? SUMMER!! I'm a water baby for sure... gimme the beach... like NOW.

Ok ok.. enough of this bludge business. Go do your work Joy.

uh yeah... so u can't say im not trying... it's late. my bum hurts... and i still haven't done as much as i should've... but eh! i'm over it.  

this one's for you...

*sigh*

What on earth am I doing blogging at this time of day? I should be doing my readings for the essay that's due tomorrow which I have yet to start. And by start, I mean I should start reading my text book which I'm supposed to be half-way through by this time of semester... and I don't think I've touched it more than three times in the last 3 months.

And speaking of 3 - mate, the last 3 days have been quite interesting. For one, I woke up this morning with ridiculously sore shoulders and neck muscles. Go figure - I never thought I'd be one to get post-head-banging symptoms (as Tree called it in an SMS today) but I did spend a mad 1 hour or 2 last night jumping up and down like a maniac, appreciating having long hair, and having a gun work-out to pumped up rock music. Talk about exhilirating! After our band's performance, I figured it was time to go wild, so I did. And Ivy is a kick-ass moshing & head-banging buddy! Hahaha... Well done Portico 77. You rocked the stage and hall at St Mary's Cathedral, and for that you have my deepest respect!

Funny how I actually had energy to go crazy last night. Yesterday was one of the longest days in my life... especially after one of the most eventful nights... And here I thought Friday night was going to be quiet and that I'd get my assignment readings done! Ha! First there was the 47 minute phone call from a *certain someone* (what?! So I count the minutes... whoopteedoo!) Haha... *blush* which ended because someone else called... and that phonecall lasted a good 67 minutes... and ended because someone rang the doorbell... and the someone who rang the doorbell ended up sleeping on the couch that night. WHOA...

Talk about teenage drama. =) I guess God makes sure that my life is never boring.

Hrmm... but here I am, procrastinating, as per usual... but I did log on because I wanted to post something affirming... because I think there's someone (or maybe more than ONE) in my life who needs a bit of affirming. Not that I'm expecting them to read this blog... although I'm sure they stumble across some entries every now and again, do some of the copying and pasting tricks... etc etc..

But just in case you do read this, and you know who you are: this one's for you.

Yes... there is something amazing that God is planning for you. I know you look around and think that you're the only one who hasn't got what everyone else seems to have... but I guess the point is, that you were never meant to. God wants you to have more.

Yeah, we stuff up. We're human, after all. We've all made those mistakes. We chase the wrong boys, befriend the wrong girls (or vice versa), find ourselves in compromising situations and end up making the wrong choices... situations that challenge our belief that we've become better people because we find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over again. We think we'll never get the perfect person because we aren't perfect... so why would they want to be with us? We think the perfect person can't possibly exist... that love is just an ideal that only the very lucky people find.

But God will prove you wrong... if you would just let him. He is love, you know. And no, there is no such thing as the perfect person... but there is one person that can love you perfectly. If you stop chasing, he'll come along and find you. But if you look, you will find him. He will know exactly how to sweep you off your feet. He'll know what flowers to send you, what songs you want to hear and the type of chocolate that'll get you over your crappy mood. He'll know your family and love them to bits, despite all their idiosyncracies. He'll invite you into his family, and you'll feel like royalty... and when you fall in love with him, you'll realise that you are.

If you haven't caught on yet, then just know for the time being, that this person can't wait for you to fall in love with him. He'd give anything for you to fall in love with him. He wants you to be secure, stable and strong... and would give the world... even his life, to make sure you could live life to the fullest. ;o)

You need to be patient with yourself, just as he is with you. It takes trust... it takes time... and patience... and hope... and especially - prayer. Why prayer? Because when you start telling this guy what it is that you want... what it is you hope for... what it is you dream wildly about and wish on shooting stars for... he will start exceeding those.

Before you know it, you'll be living a life beyond those wildest dreams, and you'll find your wishes coming true.

It doesn't mean you'll be perfect. It doesn't mean life will be perfect. It doesn't mean that man you meet will be perfect.

But that love that you'll discover? That'll be perfect... and that's what will complete you.

"God is love..." [1 John 4:8]

can you smell me?

Gerry you're a funny one. And I love long conversations with you. Especially when you tell me about the funny, embarrassing things you do when it comes to boys you like. Hahaha... because it reminds me of the funny, embarrassing and STUPID things I do when it comes to boys I like... *laughs at self and looks around computer lab nervously*

Seems like yesterday was my catch-up time with everyone girlified. First it was Jonna, then Amardeep, then Agatha and finally Gerry. Does Nereus count? Coz I spoke to him last night too. Hahaha... JUST KIDDING BRO!! PEACE!!! *Hides before he throws something at me violently*

Today has been.... REFRESHING. There is a sign that's still on my bedroom wall which I typed up and put up there with blue-tac when I was in year 9. It says something like: "It is important to take time out to sit down by yourself and simply be..." Took my own advice and sat in the sun for 2 hours listening to the fountain gushing water into Macquarie Lake, staring into the cloudless sky, and writing pages of feelings, prayers, thoughts and wishes...

Right now I should be reading my research about culture, technology and the impact of mobile telecommunications on youth culture and language. But I'm way to happy too be bogged down with uni stuff. Actually... I'm feeling somewhat elated. Who says they never have time to pray? Time spent with God is time well invested... remember that one - tell your children one day.

How do I know this? Because as soon as I finished praying, I walked down to the comp labs and checked my mail, and everything I received (whether it was good news or bad) reminded me somehow... of something or someone faithful.

Right now... I'm inspired by:
- All the awesome news I'm hearing about how fantastic the ER camp was. I'm loving how every time someone blogs about it, I start feeling enhanced too.
- People falling in love with people. Hahaha... and not being afraid of it either. *sigh* How I luurv seeing people in love.
- My sister. Won't say which one, but the one I'm thinking of right now makes me laugh and smile and blush all at once, and it comforts me to know we have much in common that we never talk about... but I guess that's what makes it beautiful - we never really have to.
- That so-called Greek god. Yeah, you know who you are! I'm still mad at you... and things are different these days... but I know how much you're trying, and I know that it'll all be ok because best mates forgive each other and move on... ;op
- The Terra service team. Especially Pjay, Jane, Mary, Dom, Imelda and Colloes... oh what the heck - ALL OF YOU! Peni, Nez, Ryan... all our visitors. Hahaha.. I think about al of Pjay's blonde comments and can't help but smile. And the way Jane lifts her leg up and says, "Right Ty?" Actually... even funnier is the way Pjay says "Ty..." and then does the hand thing. And Peni and how he won't shut up... and how his face is all it takes to make Mary scream. Hahaha... and Jug at the bedroom window? Sorry? What? Hrmmm... didarri... (is that what it was?) And Peni's group's thank you card. Oooh and how everyone gave Dom death stares after the love talk. Colloes mate - that was an awesome love talk. Well done during the panel - to all 3 of you. Glad God worked through you! That mad beat-boxer and the chic who sang Kelly Clarkson's song... the boy who crowd-surfed to "God is Enough"...the teachers who said "thank you" after Sky told her story... uh... crying in front of 220 students? Ryan's version of the "Tiger" game and how he said he walked into Westpoint and that there was a zoo there... EH?! Mary calling Chris "Sav" during her sharing. Hahaha... Imelda... aww Imelda! You're sharing was the bomb! Eating Chicken King on the drive way and laughing at the Rev DVD. Really stupid jokes that just weren't funny, but ended up being funny because they weren't funny. And Ryan mocking the way Jane laughed... and combining the mocking with the actions of the not-funny joke.
- Monday night's phone call and lying on the concrete under the stars. That was funny... when I freaked out Rob Feeney and made him scream coz he thought I was a student (or a derro) walking around in the middle of the night... ;o)
- SPY still inspires me. You know it's been 2 years since I started working there? I love it. Can't get enough... and can't wait til the SPYRC leaders training. Even more so, I can't wait to see SPY bring 200 youth to the next Youth Expo.

Yeah... there's more and more that I can put on this list. I'm really quite happy right now...

"He said to him, 'Follow me.' And he got up and followed him."

So simple, huh?

the nurse said: sugar levels are down

I think I need some chocolate or something... which reminds me - I have a whole bunch of Cadbury Caramello Koalas hiding under my bed.
What a day! Jonna's phone call woke me up this morning/afternoon but I fell asleep almost immediately after we hung up and didn't get out of bed properly until about 4:30pm.
Right now, I've got the biggest headache. But I'm on MSN chatting to 6 different people... about 6 different things... and I should be starting on my assignment. But instead I'm listening to Avril's first album and lying belly down in front of this screen.
It's been one hectic week. I believe the head-ache has a lot to do with the amount of tears that have exploded from my eye balls. Rina said to slow down, or I'll crash. It's not that I don't believe her - I just don't know how to (kinda like Jane driving the Bautista's blue car... hahaha... peace!)

I have learnt a lot in the past few days though. For one, the Youth Expo was fantastic. I mean that with all my heart and soul... and all the energy that I put into it, along with the energy that everyone else put into it too. The thank yous are endless... and the biggest should go to Fr Warren, who, in my eyes (and I'm sure, in many others) is an absolute legend. I think I'm very blessed to know a priest like him - someone so friendly, and passionate about bringing youth closer to the church, and more especially, closer to God.

I was deeply moved on Friday night. God just has an ability to let things float into place... even after our mistakes, our negativity, our hurts, and our fears. I spent ages talking during reconciliation, and after it, felt so fresh, and didn't want to leave the hall. Something about being in front of God made me feel completely peaceful... and it was like I was exactly where I was meant to be. It felt like if I could sit there for the rest of my life, I would be doing precisely what God wanted me to ... being in His presence.

And so that started the excitement rolling in my heart. I knew that I was unprepared, nervous, tired (and every other feeling under the sun)... but I also knew that God would provide... that God was in charge... that it was God at work and that it was God who did the inspiring, and no one else.

I think that's this experience's biggest lesson...

when you're in a position when you have nothing left - no energy, no words, no inspiration, no confidence, no wisdom... nothing - you know that when something is achieved, it could only possibly have been God.

Yesterday's retreat for Yr 10 was testimony to that. I woke up on Monday morning and almost forgot that I had a camp to lead... and Satan didn't make it any easier either. Not only were people physically exhausted, but people were sick, spiritually drained, unsure, unexperienced... late. Hahaha... think of every small attack that you can experience before and during a camp, and I think that we copped it full blow.

The team fought. People cried. The students were cynical. The teachers were indifferent. We hardly got any sleep. We were always running out of time. Our resources were limited.

But you know what? I wouldn't have changed a thing. Not one. Not even my smelly shoes. ;0) Why? Because everything was still GREAT. The speakers were dynamic. Their words were inspiring. People questioned us, but God answered. The band shared their talents. The singers were strong. The team stayed convicted. We learnt from each other. We had visitors that encouraged us, and brought us what we needed. All the skits turned out great. God answered our prayers.

After standing in front of one of the toughest crowds I've ever had to speak to... and having nothing to offer them except what I believed God would give... and then seeing God touch them - even if it was just a handful - I know it's worth it. All those late nights. All the time, the humiliation, the hurts, the disappointments, the skills, the money, the talent, the secrets... all the things shared and lifted up were worth every bit because the few that experienced God will walk away with something priceless.

And I know that's why I do everything that I do. I will take the risks. I will make those decisions. I will give up all that I already know I have... because I love God. I love God more than I love being secure. I love God more than I love my family, and my friends, and my plans, and my dreams... because God is the only one who can turn my mistakes, and their mistakes, and my hurts, and their pains.. into something glorious, beautiful... and eternal. God turns hate into love. God turns stress into peace. God turns my life upside-down and side-ways, and I love Him for it.

Life would be meaningless without moments like this.

******

Thank you so much... Fr Warren, Ryan, Gemma, Penitito, Nereus, Aron, Dominique, Nace, Milloy, Ian, Adrian, Tony, Phil, Karen, Marife, Lisa, Bec, Matt, Jen, Laura, Jan, Ivy, Marbyn, the ENTIRE Youth Expo Team, Colloes, Jane, Dom, Mary, Pjay, Imelda, Sav, all our retreat visitors, Jons, Agatha, Eddoes, Gerry... and EVERYONE... I love you guys.

the R.A.G. diet

Man I am so multi-talented. I'm listening to Fallout Boy, eating a bacon-steak-cheese pie from BP, while typing, and while attempting to print of about 100 blank name-tags for tonight's EXPO, chatting to Aron, and reading my MC and segment producer outline ALL AT ONCE. Yeah... life is GREAT. Hahahaha... =|

So yeah. Woke up today in tears and decided that although I usually avoid consuming any type of drug, I couldn't help it. So I swallowed two Naprogesics and crawled back into bed with a desperate hope that I'd get some sleep before sunrise.

So much for healthy. My fitness phase dissolved immediately after that fruit shake I made earlier this week. The last two days have been absolutely ridiculous:

Wednesday dinner: 4 Krispy Kreme Donuts. (Didn't even get to eat ONE taco... bah-loody h***!)
Thursday breakfast: Five chocolate biscuits and bottle of water.
Thursday lunch: Seven chocolate biscuits.
Thursday dinner: Half packet of Arnotts assorted cream biscuits.
Thursday Supper: Large McNuggets meal from Sunnyholt McDonald's with large hot chocolate.
Friday breakfast: 2 Krispy Kreme Donuts and glass of milk.
Just purchased: Steak-bacon-cheese pie and four-pack of 'V'.

Crap, I just got meat pie all over my jeans... Ah... pffft.

"Yes Lord"

Something from World Youth Day... teeheee...

Spanish: Sí Señor
French: Oui le Seigneur
German: Ja Herr
Portugese: Sim Senhor
Swahili: inshallah/eewalla buana
Italian: Sí Dio

nerds: colourful mouse poo

To serve you better, we have installed pollution free warm air hand dryers to protect you from the hazards of disease which may be transmitted by towel litter. This quick sanitary method dries hands more thoroughly and prevents chapping and keeps washrooms free of towel waste.

Push button
Rub hands gently under warm air
Stops automatically

Howzat for random? Hey so... it's late and I'm sleepy.
In case someone uninvited stumbles across this strange and somewhat pointless excuse for a BLOG... let me warn you - it's addictive.... oh and so is downloading songs. I finally got back Gavin Degraw... *yay!*

Meanwhile I've been told my several viewers that I'm glowing. Sadly, it's not what everyone thinks it is. It's the excess oil that's growing under my face. Seriously. I had relatively nice skin in Europe... but now there's a pimple growing next to my nose. By pimple I mean volcano... and I plan to demolish it asap.

See what stress does to you?

I'd like to believe that I'm glowing for the right reasons. I'll just pretend I am. *wink_wink_nudge_nudge* ... *puke!* Hey did you know guys get giggly? Hahaha... coz someone rang today and told me they were in a giggly mood... which is just plain funny - but that made me laugh... the only thing that did after a night of crabby snapping and feeling unaccomplished.

Had another one of those conversations with uni friend #2 today. What is with all this chat about relationships? (ah.. so Spring is the season for... *ahem*)

He said: Are you qualifying me?
I said: (in my head) You wish buddy. (out loud) What does that mean?
He said: Girls give tests. They don't even do it consciously most of the time, but they do it. And if they don't know that they're doing it, how the hell are boys supposed to know?
I wish I said: Boys give tests too. They don't even know the answers to them, so girls don't bother trying to pass.

Hehehe... I'll admit it was a good nudge in the gut about never settling for second best. I wrote a post ages and ages and ages ago about how girls want to be chosen... not for the sake of being chosen... but over a long, sincere and real process of thought, prayer, and care... chosen despite the bruises, the odd shape, the strange thoughts, the missing chunks and the different taste. (Mind you the metaphor I used was fruit...)

One thing I've learnt is that being chosen isn't all that matters. There's a process of preservation that boys seem to skim over once they walk out of the fruit store. Hahaha... they think that just because they've found what they want that it'll stay that way. Good luck guys.

Girls were designed to be looked after - not because they can't look after themselves - but because that's what that's what they deserve. We look after people, children, families, friends... the people we meet, and the people we love ... hence we deserve the same treatment! We don't like disappointing people... so please don't disappoint us. We don't like lying... so please don't lie to us... We don't like wearing masks... so please don't try to put one on your face - or ours!

A girl would move the universe to take care of someone they really cared for. No joke... ask any of them. Ask them how they treat their parents when they're sick, their boyfriends when they've lost a game, their siblings when they've fallen over... they love to love.

So it'd be nice... for boys to love them back... in the way they need to be loved.

So...

choose carefully
take care of lovingly
loves back automatically

feeling *#$*#@(insert weird word here)%@&$^!)

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
'cause I don't want to lose you
If you're really really really there
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
'cause I don't want to lose you ('cause I don't want to lose you)
If you're really really really there (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

...My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged...

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
'cause I don't want to lose you
If you're really really really there
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you...

_________

Currently my only sign of hope... the morning sky in Germany. *burries head in hands and cries*

Currently wishing for:
- A phone call
- A box of Krispy Kremes
- American chocolate
- A really looong hug
- The same type of sleep on the train to Heathrow airport
- Deserted beach
- No assignments
- No responsibilities
- No questions
- No disappointments
- No fears
- No worries
- Just me... God... and the one He's planning for me.

more procrastination

Lunch break.... If ever you wanna read up what I'm supposed to be doing at uni... click here Teeheee... *ah crap*

me in my corner

I keep procrastinating. It's ridiculous. And this morning, I was trying to get the stories of my four characters done up... and I had a sudden flash-back to Year 12 - where I spent the first 7 months of year 12 with writer's block and didn't hand in my first complete draft of my major short-fiction to my English teacher until one month before the due date.

*sigh* So now I'm in the media labs at uni... sitting at mmlab comp#10, and in front of me is are my old pair of black sunnies, my keys, credit card and excuse for a wallet, my phone, this screen, and the final, bound copy of "Where the Waters Meet" - Extension English II Major Work.

The "Revelations" project proposal, which I handed in last semester (I wonder where I got that unoriginal name from?!) is supposed to be based on this narrative. But we've tweeked it, and instead of Mario, Rei, Kayla and Carson, we have the modified version: Rei (who is indefinitely a character that almost everyone seems to relate to or has met in his/her life), Harley, Daniel and Antonio.

Here's a short squiz of what I'm supposed to be working on right now:

Imagine you are looking at what looks like a very empty train platform. On the left hand side, carrying some books, is Rei. She is a year 12 student in a school uniform... her hair is tied back, she has a school bag slung over her shoulder and carries text books, a newspaper and a disposal cup of coffee.
A few metres away, sitting on the ground and leaning against a wooden seat, is Harley. He's wearing a beanie, a big jacket, and a pair of Doc Martins. He looks distance, angry and tired... there is a lit cigarrette in his hand.
Standing in the train, is Daniel. In a tshirt and jeans, he has a guitar case on his shoulders and stares blankly on the ground with a smile on his face.
And walking onto the platform from the right is Antonio - suave, charming, confident - carrying a bunch of flowers.

What's their story? The user will find out... assuming that get off this lazy ass of mine and actually write it.

Oh God... I'm feeling so distracted. If I'm not thinking about this, it's the Youth Expo, or the Terra Retreat, or the SPY kids, or the HSB kids, or the SAC kids, or my parents being sick and me needing to do the things they normally do because they're in bed, or the Europe trip when I didn't have to do things I normally do, or the guy who's been calling me since the Europe trip, or the random phone calls that I get from people interstate, or the phone calls that I get from work to come in or do tasks I haven't been assigned to do... even though I should be thinking about THIS.

*refrains from swearing*

I've got a headache man.

BUT... I did go for a walk to Mass this morning. And so far... that's what's brightened up my day (together with the sunlight, the Philidelphia on toast, the strawberry-banana-kiwi-mango-apple-guava juice I made for myself in the blender, and the early morning visit to someone in their pjs)

If you read this, pray for me ok? It's tough to walk and balance life when there's about ten gazillion layers of stuff on it. Most of which I can't bump off... not without feeling guilty or letting people down. And that's the worst bit, I guess... I hate it when I let people down. That kinda pisses me off, because I feel like people have been letting me down all bloody week... but hey - it's all part of the splinters and nails that come with the cross, right? *heavy... heavy SIGH*

Ok... *pretends to jump up and stretch* let's start with some real stories.... like Antonio. According to Dan, he's the most interesting character because he gets to fall in love. Or at least he's met someone who's fall-in-love-with-material. Hahaha... (funny that - when I asked Dan where Antonio should meet the girl, he said in a club in Prague... then he ducked before I could throw my art book at him).

Not that anyone can really argue about love being interesting - it seems like everyone's posting comments on my blog because of all this lovey-dovey spew-material I keep posting; and I'm feeling mighty special coz I got so many comments in my inbox! Thanks READERS! You guys are the best!! =)

Yesterday was just nooot my day. I kept dropping everything... like my books, then my phone, then I spilled Diet Coke all over my feet (and went home smelling like Diet Coke and wet feet), then I dropped some of the dishes (lucky none of them broke)... and Roanne reckons that's the second symptom she's seen of this Spring-time insanity. I would've thrown something like a spoon at her... but everything in our kitchen is already falling apart, and I thought better not to, since it'd suck if she was out of action too. *grrrr*

Oh God... I need you right now.

i may have to hurt you...

It's Sunday afternoon... a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I told Colloes that it's perfect walking weather... *sigh* Thank you Jesus... for days like today... when I feel you looking down on me through the cloudless sky... when tears are safely harboured behind happy shores... where all I feel is elation; anticipation... and (funnily enough...) joy. =)

So what's with my blog title this afternoon? Ah... the blunt and harsh knife of the reality of our pyramid of a situation. ;o) I was talking to one of my uni mates about relationships. We were sipping one of those cool drinks that you get from the Liquid Bar in the cafeteria and had one of those random conversations about life and love.

He said: That sucks... that it's always so risky to give your heart to someone.
I said: Well it wouldn't be worth much if the risk wasn't as high.
He said: Yeah, but it wouldn't hurt as much would it?
I said: You've been burnt haven't you?
He said: (after a long pause) Yeah... and the wounds are still open.
I said: How did she burn you?
He said: She didn't... I walked into the fire.
I said: Hmmm?
He said: You know how it is don't you? The fire looks inviting... it's exciting, it gets you hot, it lights up your life... so you walk closer and closer, and you ignore all the warning signs and you even ignore it when she yells it at you loud and clear not to come closer.
I said: Well then... if she warned you, that's your own fault.
He said: Yeah... I know.
I said: That makes two of us.

And with that... time for a walk.

love is a leap

"Generally I understand everything, but since I met you, nothing." [Hugh Jackman - Kate & Leopold]

Lessons of the Day:
- Never watch romantic comedies when you're about to get your rags.
- Always cover all exposed areas of the bathroom sink before you dye your hair.
- Stretch your muscles after long walks.
- Don't assume you know what people are thinking or feeling.
- Don't be afraid to tell people what's really on your mind.
- Treasure the innocence and vitality that comes from young people with faith.
- Random but thoughtful text messages are always gratefully received.

Something about today's weather reminded me of school art excursions to the city, Thursday afternoon sport, the glorious feeling you have after walking out of an exam, Summer crushes and being in high school. Summer makes me nostalgic... I know it's not Summer, but it sure felt good to be alive today - part of why I went for a 45 minute walk across two suburbs this afternoon as the sun was beginning to set - just so I could appreciate the fresh air... you know how it is.

Tonight I watched Kate & Leopold - sweet movie; go watch it if you haven't already. Kind of makes me wonder whether or not two people who are so different can really fall in love. Also makes me wonder why chivalry is dead... seriously - where is the guy who would ask a girl to dance? Where is the guy who will be fearlessly sincere? Where is the guy who has direction and drive? The guy who is passionate and practical? Strong and gentle? The guy who is going to sweep me off my feet. The guy who won't want to leech off me or stand behind me? The guy who understands that I don't belong to him. The guy who doesn't want to fix me... but accepts and loves me for who I am. The guy who will love God more than he loves me... and is a better person because of it.

Does he exist? I wonder if he does...

In my pattern of nostalgia, I started reading through my e-journal, which I started in March 2004. Funny how things progress... and how stupid I look when viewed in retrospect. But I thought I'd put up some of the thoughts that I once recorded, stumbled upon, and now, am smirking at...

When you like a person… don’t ever tell them until you’re ready to wade through a flood of consequences. Things change when you admit things. Even when you don’t want them to change. When you tell a person… don’t expect them to understand.
When you like a person… don’t tell them you’re going to pursue those feelings unless you really know you’re ready to pursue those feelings to the end. Don’t start the journey unless you’re willing to pursue it to the end. You have to walk the whole distance and you can’t bail out half way. You walk with your eyes fixed on Jesus – and never, for a moment, focus your eyes on your own map or your own plans. Just keep yourself focused on Jesus. Because once you change your focus, you are likely to fall into the trap of changing direction too. That’s when you get lost, stumble into pride,selfishness and sin. And that’s when it starts to hurt. [26th April, 2004]

I don’t want a guy who relies on me to keep him strong, who asks me to make his decisions for him… I want a guy who is a Man of God – that means his relationship with God is what brings him to me; not the other way around. Because when he comes to me, it should mean that his relationship with God is strong enough to see us through the emotional downpours and battles... [4th July 2004]

What does it mean when someone walks into the room... you see them, and everything seems to feel like it’s gonna be ok?? [4th September 2004]

Though there are moments and even extended periods of time where my insecurities are erased, and I give the image of stability… my identity is still completely undefinable. I’m indefinite. I’m a paradox and complete contradiction.
And yet my needs are simple. I just want someone to love me. Completely, unconditionally and truly. Sincerely, honestly and without reserve. [18th September 2004]

And with that, dear readers... goodnight.

the amazing racers

It's fun when people think of fun things like the Lego store, in Neumarkt, Köln. Makes me think of chidhood!

See, first you grab some of the lego pieces; like this:

Then you get together with some mates and get creative...

You must reach concensus with all members of the team as to the aesthetic of the artwork...

Hehe...and after that you're ready to meet Agatha, EJ, Edwin, Nereus, and Joy [from the left, in that order] - five travellers on the Amazing Race through Paris, Rome & London.. Mad fun in the Lego store while waiting for the train to arrive at Köln HBF.

 

=) Cool Ihuh? I'm sitting in bed doing nothing.. I should go to sleep. I think I will. Peace out.

imagine this???

Hey I started blogging this arvo and my laptop crashed. So now I'm in my office and I was going through old files in My Documents and *kabang* I discovered one called "Imagine this." I have no idea how it got there, who created it, if it's from the Net, or if it's original.. but I thought it'd be nice to put it up here.

Anyhoo... happy reading!

*****

Imagine this. In your hand is a very precious creation, so fragile, so valuable that if you keep on holding, it would either stay or fall apart. But you loved this creature so much, so much that letting it go would be like letting go of your life as well. So much that sometimes you wished it would be there forever. So much that you tend to be selfish at times so as you could make it stay for as long as you like.

Don't we all wish something "so good" could be forever? Don't we all hope that happiness is there to stay? There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone "so nice" and "almost perfect" and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person (sometimes without even realizing it). This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we tagged it as one of those "too good to be true" things.

The sad part there is when we begin to realize that, this particular person feels totally nothing but friendship. A "thing" that would be forever a "thing" nothing more, nothing less...just a thing! You're just a friend, and that's the fact! Then in our desperate attempt to get closer (or at least be noticed), our efforts are still futile and we end up sorry for ourselves.

One person said, never ever let your heart run your life, as much as you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try to listen not merely on what your feelings are invoking on you as a person but more importantly listen to reason as well.

Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting them to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free (in the real sense of it), but it is also setting yourself free from all animosity, revulsion, and resentment that was long kept in your heart.

You have to let go because the bitterness often puts away the strengths and weakens the littlest hope, making our lives more miserable than ever.

The trick there is...always remember that if you lose something today, it means that something better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love...right? Just regard it as another mismatch of heaven! Well, you can cry of course, or whine or shout (growl even) if you have to, but make sure that after those outbursts you have washed away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you (easy said than done I know!).

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You really don't have to forget someone you love ('cause it's hard). What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for what we have become. I think it's better that we give off that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

"Who could it be?" is the next interesting question to ponder.

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray hard that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

good morning sunshine!!!

I've been awake for two hours. =) Praise God for putting a smile on my face the moment I picked up the phone and heard a whispered, "Good morning Joy." That was pretty cool... a gentle start to what looks to be a glorious Spring day!

A peep into early morning discussion:
Me: It's dark.
Caller: Well that's what happens at night when the sun is on the other side of the world.
Me: But it's already morning. Where's the sun?
Caller: Don't worry, it's coming. Just think of what time it is in Europe.
Me: What time is it in Europe?
Caller: It's Monday night.
Me: Ah... Monday night. (pause) Monday night was Paris...
...
Caller: Out and about in the streets of Paris.
Me: I dreamt we were in Europe again.
Caller: Really? Where?
Me: In Rome somewhere...

....

It's weird because everyone who I've talked to about WYD is suffering from major withdrawal symptoms. It's almost as if we found a bit of ourselves in Europe and suddenly don't feel complete until we're all back there together.

I was enlightened today, though, as I sat on my bed to read In His Steps and the white leather Bible that I found in Rome. It's almost as if St Paul was writing to me directly:

So then, as you received Jesus as Lord and Christ, now live your lives in him, be rooted in him and built up on him, held firm by the faith you have been taught, and overflowing with thanksgiving...

A few nights ago i was reading over the first few entries. I forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my blog because it's been over a year since it began. WOW... how did it go so quickly? It's been a year since the boys came and cooked corned-beef in my kitchen and we watched "Whatever It Takes" on my laptop because my TV was broken - which means it's been a year since my TV broke... It's been a year since I conversed with a sweet old man who thought it was my birthday... It's been a year since Edz finished his last assignment, since I attempted to get hooked on Ginko... and it's been a year since I wrote "Flavour of the Week..."

Wow... how time flies.

Speakin of - it's already 7:49am on my laptop clock. Which means I need to finish my mug of Milo, take the final bites of my pandesal... and kick start today with some dedicated uni work. *wink*

Smile, smile, smile!! =) I'm so elated right now... the sun is streaming light through the dining room blinds, there is the familiar sound of cars sweeping across the bitumen on their way to work or school or even home... and I take comfort in the words of this morning's caller:

"Don't worry, it's coming."

What's coming? Answered prayers... that's what. *screams and jumps around the room!*

Btw... did you guys know that me and Ryan have the gift of premonitions. Hahahahaha... =|

"Today's gospel taught me dependence on God through prayer. We need to talk to God fervently, speaking to him about the things that happen in our lives, praying consistently for people - for the wounded, "wound-makers", oppressed and their oppressors, for the saved and lost.... when I pray it tames me, making me capable to accept more and give much..." [From In His Steps - ENJ/Metro Manila]

right now

Honesty, the quality of being honest, is a value which can be defined in multiple ways. In the context of human communication, people are generally said to be honest when they tell the truth to the best of their knowledge and do not hide what they know or think. [From: www.answers.com]

Right now... My head is confused. My heart is also confused. My body is also confused. I keep saying "also" damn it.

Right now... I would rather be doing anything and everything else - anything and everything other than what I'm meant to be doing. Hahaha... like... jump on a bed in the Alessendro... run over some ancient ruins... jump into the sea... fly over the moon... give hugs... receive hugs... lie in the grass under the sun... count some stars... everything and anything except this assignment. I want to be in someone's arms right now. To receive a random phone call that it's all going to be ok. That everything that was said and done and experienced wasn't just a dream that I'm yearning for... but a tangible reality that is moving me to be better, braver and stronger.

Right now...why am I feeling so afraid? Because I am walking uncharted territory. Unmarked terrain. The page is blank. He's writing foreign words. Drawing abstract pictures. My brain can't process what my senses are signalling.

Right now... thinking about all those phone calls. All those minutes. All those laughs. All those could-have-been moments. All the times I wished I wasn't nervous. All the times I wish I could have said what I thought, what I meant, what I knew, what I felt... but didn't. All those prayers. All those smiles. All the things I keep analysing. All the squishy things in my feelings that make me want to throw up.

Right now... thinking back to when all this started. Wishing I could take my brain, and all its thoughts, daydreams, wishes, words, stories, memories, pictures and gibberish... and strain it under some luke-warm water into a compartmentalised sink made out of fairy floss and silver.

Right now... wanting some fairy floss; Krispy Kreme; creamy bacon and carbonary pasta; the truth; the patience; the inspiration and... the guy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA... (oh no) =|

Right now... Wondering where it all goes from here. Wondering if it'll actually go anywhere from here. Wondering who will read this and WILL throw up.

Today... I wanted to explode. It sucks because this enormous thing is happening in my life. Something that I've been praying about and praying for... The most beautiful thing is being able to share it and laugh about it with my family. With my close friends. With our close friends. The suckiest thing is not being able to share it and laugh about it with one of my best friends. Can't tell him why I'm smiling. Can't tell him why I'm giddy. Can't tell him why I feel like I'm walking on the rings of Saturn whenever I know someone thought about me. It really sucks. A lot.

Ok... I'm off to go throw up now.

*sigh*

*sigh* ... the Eifel Tower baby... how can you not miss that?!

five second memories

Waiting for someone to pick me up:

Every time I fall asleep I have a dream about the WYD trip. Today I woke up in the passenger seat of Nez's camry and thought we were back on Bus 2 again.

Today's sunset reminded me of Turkey. *sigh*

And there's the doorbell.

let it linger...

The scene: 1:18am. Sitting in bed in my grey trackies and a black 3/4 sleeved top. Rosary ring on left ring finger. Unwashed hair. Purple & white bedsheets. Navy blue socks.

Next to me: White desk with fluorescent lamp. Box of tissues. Diary. In His Steps prayer journal. Boxes of shoes. Black hair clip. "Culture & Technology" by Andrew Murphie & John Potts (my MAS307 lecturer). Laptop bag. Snacks. Packet of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lollies from America. Carpet.

The situation: One of best mates was in car accident - praying very hard for his recovery. Lots of time on the phone tonight. Laptop mouse pad annoying the hell out of me. Haven't done any REAL uni work in 2 months. Just finished writing my to-do list for this week.

Thinking about: Yesterday - Pia & Ray got married (now that was pretty cool...how I love seeing people in love!) Forgiveness and how it takes humility - which is one of the most challenging things to find and keep. Sleep... and how I'd love some very soon. Krispy Kreme donuts.. and how I would also like some of those very soon. How the word "also" has been added to my habitually used vocab, along with a small list of habits which I've inherited from a certain *someone*

Today: Was also very cool...

I received an early morning wake-up call which turned into a 10minute phone call about not wanting to get out of bed despite both conversationalists being so very late for the same event i.e. Mass @ St Andrews. Ended with me saying "Oh no! It's raining outside!" and him saying "Are you serious?!" and my battery dying.
We faced rain... which looked miserable... I think I was feeling so over the moon I didn't notice. Was shouted breakfast at McDonald's (Bacon & Egg McMuffin meal with white coffee morning beverage) and got driven to work. Had one of those embarrassing moments when I hit my head as I exited the car (embarrassing but funny).

Met Chirley, Joanne, Dianne and Robelle at work today. Totally loved seeing Nace & Dom this morning. And wanted to hug Lisa & Cass for turning up, despite the coldness... Got driven home by curious priest who makes me laugh and smile because of his persistence about my (lack of a) love life. Hahaha...

I spent the afternoon going through WYD photos picking out ones I want to print... should have been doing my work! Grrr... Had late lunch with my famz. (Chinese take-out)

*sigh* It was awesome today, I will admit. I was on the phone to one of my mates today, and was telling stories about how my family made me laugh a lot today - especially my Dad. It felt good knowing that my family are one of the main reasons why I'm so happy these days. There's a lot I'm excited for... even though I'm not quite sure whether anything is actually happening (despite the obvious and amazing fact that my sister's having a baby next year!) They seem to put a smile on my face for all their different reasons. It felt even better when the guy I was talking to pointed out that fact that moments like these really are quite special, considering the history. =) So... *big smile* for that one... and thanks God... for answering my prayers! (what a champ!)

I went into church for the third time today, and thought the best moment was seeing the look on the faces of the people that I gave presents to. I was so picky with the gifts I bought the girls... and told 'em all the stories behind each present... just so they knew why I gave them that one in particular. The finest memories are seeing the smiles on the people you love the most, and knowing that part of the reason for that smile is something you've done.

All in all today was a series of beautiful moments.. many of which seem like answered prayers. My heart is content right now... and sometimes even overflowing. Sometimes I feel like I'll explode because God is winning me over with his love. I figure each moment has its miracle, and I'm determined to discover each one... just so I can keep feeling this way.

the world is sleeping

It's almost 3am. I've been awake since 9am - quite an achievement for someone who is still somewhat jet-lagged, but a poor effort on my part because I was supposed to go to Mass today.

But that's not to say that today was a waste. Today I got to see most of the SPY kids again, and my heart was warmed by all their welcomes, their hugs, their hand-shakes, smiles, and their simple faith that brought the together tonight at FFD. It's always a tear-jerker to see them praising God so beautifully in their innocence. *sigh*

Before I knock off though, I thought I'd share something about today... I was the last of the 4 WYD representatives to give a testimony after Mass today. Frenace gave a thorough description of the beautiful sites we saw, Dominique gave a touching reflection of what it was like to meet such amazing people, Nereus gave a personal account about his journey and how the story of the 3 Wise Men has changed his life... and I gave the final spiel of the words of our Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI.

I'll admit that when we split up the topics, I knew they'd ask me to share about his message to the world. I'll also admit that out of all the topics, I thought it was the last topic from I had anything inspiring to share. The week-long WYD celebrations in Cologne - from our arrival at the college on Monday night to the late-night shower on Friday night - had been a roller-coaster of challenges, obstacles, hurts, irritation and disappointments. People were complaining, others weren't getting along... and we got to know each other in ways that weren't always pleasant. Suffice to say that I had begun the 3 hour long treck to Marienfeld with a heavy heart and a head heavy with still unanswered questions. We hadn't attended a single workshop - and our one attempt at watching a concert in West Cologne was another disappointment because upon arrival, we were told it had been cancelled. Saturday's 10km walk was a welcome opportunity for me to finally have some personal space and time to be silent and reflective.

I took to heart the words that one of the brothers were continously repeating (often jokingly) that the journey was more valuable than the destination itself. It had felt like the pilgrimage through Greece, Turkey, Poland, and the Czech Republic, had more impact on me than the actual WYD itself.

In many ways, it is true because it's the people who I met that have touched me the most. Hearing their voices after not seeing them for a week brings me a lot of comfort. It's almost as if they are my home, and I feel like that's where I belong. I miss their smiles. Their jokes. I miss going to sleep and having them a metre or two away. I miss their wake-up calls from hotel phones. I miss the jumping on each other's beds. I miss the late-night stories about pasts and families. I miss sharing prayers with each other. I miss sharing fears with each other. I miss learning their names and relearning them two days later. I miss the familiarity of the family on our pilgrim bus. I miss leaning on the shoulder of the person on the seat next to mine and accidently drooling on their shirt. I miss the jam-sessions. I miss the cuddling up in sleeping bags.

And speaking of sleeping bags... I distinctly remember the night of the WYD Vigil, and falling asleep with a smile on my face. For the first time, I felt that God's whispers were finally turning into loud thumps on the door of my heart and thundering shouts into my very soul. He was speaking to me so loud and clearly by then... that if I didn't turn and appreciate his message, then I'd just be stupid.

His love is in the people around us... just waiting to be tapped, waiting to be found... waiting to be discovered like a island made of chocolate and candy. It is sweet, it is lush... surrounded by confusing and fatal waves... but worth the effort of exploring. His love is so perfect, so pure...

I wrote before that I found love. In short; miss the environment in which this love was born, where it was discovered, where it thrived, where it grew and where it was so easily and so simply manifested. I miss knowing what to say and what to do.

There is much that I miss... that I hope to find here. I've found new meaning to the song "I Still Call Australia Home" because of how many times we sang it during our stay in Cologne... but I still truly believe... home is where your heart is...

And my heart is restless, Lord... until it rests in you.

...remain faultless and pure... shining out among them like bright stars in the world... [Philippians 2:15]

accomplishing irrelevancy

I vaguely remember driving home from Wetherill Park and hearing the song "Train on a Track" from the soundtrack of Maid in Manhattan. It's one of those songs that give me warm fuzzies the moment I hear the intro.

Right now it's late at night. It's Friday morning really... and I can only hope that I don't go to bed as late as I did this morning* i.e. 4am. It did feel good to have someone awake at the same time, sending pointless messages to. It didn't feel good waking up in the afternoon and realising the entire day had gone to waste... and that my body was still out of sync.

So this week has been a bit all over the place. Monday was spent sleeping. Tuesday was also spent sleeping. I finally got out of the house on Wednesday and went to uni (realised how much work I really need to get done.) Then I attempted to go to the office and ended up falling asleep on the recliner for an hour. You'd think I'd be over sleep by now, but since I haven't had much over the last 4 weeks... I figure this week is my catch-up week.

It was good seeing everyone at the end of the day at household; I missed the familiar faces of my YFC family... but going through the photos made me miss the WYD atmosphere. Today Christian showed me his photos from his trip through Paris, and I had a sudden yearning for all the Parra Diocese people who I didn't get to spend time on the trip.

I feel lazy and unaccomplished... even though I know that today was just as full of blessings as every other day. For one - it was a beautiful afternoon. It's the first day of Spring and the weather has already turned! YAY! Winter has passed and I'm ready to soak in the flowers, the sunshine, and prepare for an awesome Summer.

We also had a really affirming meeting with a principal about YFC High School Based. My heart was warmed to meet a man who had a true heart - someone who was willing to be build faith in his students. Praise God!

In conclusion, I've been awake for 12 hours, and all I've done is go to a meeting, realise how much debt I'm in, and fold all my clothes in my wardrobe. I wonder how long the neatness will last... Hehehe...

But I seriously need to get DISCIPLINED and get cracking on managing my life. =)

Wish me luck!!