thank you for being you...

Just came back from the SPY Christmas Party. Check out the pics –

they finally had the masquerade ball that they always wanted.

Anyhoo it was a great night all in all… I’m having a lot of fun being all girly, curling my hair… etc. etc.

It’s tough… going back and falling in love with the community again. It’s something I’ve really missed while being at CYS – having my own community. Somewhere to call home, something to belong to, to feel welcome at, to be part of and to participate in. I guess at the end of it all, everyone really is just yearning for a family where unconditional love is free, not earned..

It was fun tonight because that’s exacty what I felt that whole time. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone, didn’t have to think of anything clever to say… just started conversations and it felt like we all just picked up where we left off. Not once tonight did I feel like I had to try to be anyone but me. And they welcomed me back with open arms – quiet literally. It’s nice to walk into a hall full of people and be greeted with sincere smiles and happiness. It’s nice to feel missed and appreciated and loved. It’s nice to meet new people again… (but I still suck at remembering names…) It’s also nice to dance to really funny music and not feel like a complete idiot because people who can dance better than you are eyeing you. Tonight the group us surrendered all pride and sanity and totally went wild with sparklers to ridiculous songs from Grease, Steps, Beyonce, Aqua and Justin Timberlake. Admittedly, that’s a very… uh… eclectic taste in artists, but it didn’t matter really. We just wanted music and an excuse to move our bodies.

Sadly, I think apart from the SPY parties, the last place where I’ve totally gone off and lost myself in a night of dancing would be a high school disco. (That club is Prague doesn’t count because it was hot and stuffy and everyone was way too close.) Every other time I’ve been out, part of me stiffens up and refuses to go wild because I feel like people who know me (or perhaps don’t know me) are judging me. Odd because at least 80% of all the people at the party tonight would’ve been in high school or recent highschool leavers, and they’re supposed to be the most cynical and judgemental people. Not tonight though. Tonight we went off. (Just like the yr 8 disco at Bowman Hall… how funny). At one point, all us school leavers (some recent, some not-so-recent) grabbed partners and danced the heel-and-toe (strange that we remembered it) and Phil and I attempted the Canadian Three-Step (a dance we definitely did not remember well enough). At least no one stood on anyone’s toes. And even if we did, we’d be too busy laughing.

So now it feels like I’m home where I belong. A year in absence definitely made my heart grow fonder for these kids… I ought to write them Christmas cards and tell them just how much I’ve missed them, and how much I really do love and appreciate them, and want to thank them for giving me a spark again.

I wonder how long the spark will last and if I’ll lose it once I get back to the office. At this stage it’s a tiny little pilot light at the very bottom of a very cold, dark chasm of confusion and self-pity. I’d like to say I’ve mustered enough strength (or faith in God and his heroism) to pull myself out of the pit that I’ve dug, but not today. Today someone is just shining that torch around and letting me know that yes, there is a way out. I just hope that torch has enough battery life in for as long as it takes me to start climbing.

absolute nothing-ness

I've been driving around all week with a gazillion thoughts about what I could possibly blog about, but now that I'm finally in front of the computer, there's nothing that comes to mind. It's been an eventful but uneventful week at the same time.

Christmas is dawning (the 5am Novena Masses started this morning, which is a sure sign that Christmas is just a few days away)... but it doesn't feel like Christmas season at all. For one, it isn't even hot. Weather has been up and down and all over the place, and it felt more like a Winter evening last night when we stepped out of the car for the Society ball.

And speaking of the Society Ball... what a funny night. A couple of weeks ago I determinedly marched up and dawn the office hallways at the CYS house trying to get everyone to buy tickets. I have no idea why I was so determined to get everyone to go, but it seemed like a good idea at the time... and by 1am last night when we sleepily walked up Broadway to find my car, my feet were aching from all the dancing and my tummy was hurting from all the laughing.. and my head was kinda spinning after 5 glasses of champagne... so.. yes, we did have a GREAT time.

When Vincent, Edwin and I walked back up Broadway last night we came up with the conclusion that a "good time" shouldn't rely on the entertainment (or lack thereof), setting, weather, or even company. It's all a choice. And since it was the last time the remaining 4 members of team were going to hang out together all year, we were pretty determined to have a good time. So when the rain started falling into the forecourts at Notre Dame and we scrambled into the hall in order to remain dry, the night's fun had only just begun. (even for Joe, who'd already had 6 beers by that time.)

At one stage we had about ten people sitting on the floor with us singing Christmas carols. And considering that the real musicians (i.e. Edwin, Vincent, Tristan and John) were singing their heads off, we actually didn't sound half bad. In fact, they all did harmonies while the rest of us got the other 50 people who were watching us to join in the melodies of the favourites, like Away In a Manger. Eventually we got so good that we took an album shot. (see left) Hahaha... just kidding.

I was so exhausted that by the time we'd dropped off Vincent back at Clovelly and started heading down Cleveland St, I was fast asleep and had totally abandoned any responsibilities for keeping Edwin company during the drive home.

Much to my surprise, he still managed to pick me up for dawn Mass and we even got to the Church early this morning. If he makes it to all 9 of the Novena masses, I'll be impressed. I know how much that guy loves his sleep, and he already lost some this week when he accompanied to the airport at dawn, Wednesday morning. After the early morning drive he still managed to take me to breakfast at one of my favourite cafes, buy a new suit and drive me to Kiama the next day. This afternoon he came over to help fix our Internet connection. If that isn't love in action, then I don't know what is.

And so now it's 10:30-something and I've been doing nothing all day... well... nothing and cleaning out junk in my room to prepare it for my drum-kit, which I miss intensely. It totally spun me out when I realised 2007 is actually TWO WEEKS AWAY. Wondering what on earth I'll be doing for NY Eve - if anything. (Last year it was with Roanne, Ian, Nereus, Suarez, Aimelle... and several boxes of pop rocks - funny times!) Also wondering how my bank balance is, and if I could possibly afford a trip interstate before going back to work. Time away, doing silly holiday things... (I've got a desperate need to go travelling...)

On a much brighter note, I'm slightly less depressed than I was a week or so ago. One reason being I've had a week away from my office desk (I'm not counting my numerous visits to the office during this week), and I can finally think, breathe... and attempt settling into the real world.

Perhaps now I can make a real decision about what I really want to do with my life.

open roads

Sunny days... chasing the clouds away :)

Took the faithful lil silver Corolla down to the south coast today. Worked up a good tan, drove past plenty of road-kill, made friends with a galah and a lady-bug (who Eddoes named Bumble Bee - I have no idea why)...and watched the James Bond flick at Wollongong (they have funny seats there... not the cushy ones - but plasticky ones... weird). Oh... and I should probably mentioned that we visited the Blowhole @ Kiama (the reason why Edwin drove me down there in the first place).

All in all, it was a pretty amazing day. We had abolutely no agenda, which is why it was so great. Felt like we were in NZ again, travelling randomly and discovering new things. For example: Chocolate Choc-Chip ice-cream is in fact VERY different from Chocolate Obession ice-cream. But while both taste quite different, they're both equally satisfying. Especially after an awesome lunch:

Joe was right when he said that my love language is quality time. I figure after a year of living in the same house, he should probably know. Glad to know he's not the only one who's figured it out though - Edwin's pretty spesh in that way. He knew that it didn't matter what we were doing, as long as it was good stuff and that we got a chance to spend time together without limits, deadlines or pressure.

By the end of the day my mind was clear enough to extract the real thoughts, issues and problems that I know I'm going to have to deal with some time in the next three and a half weeks.

I just wish everyone in my life were as patient and understanding.

Dear God... you know my feelings, you know my confusion.. and you know how much I need you in my life. Please look past my stubborness, my anger and my hurts... and help me to heal completely so I can be the person you want me to be... loving the way you love, living the way you want.

picture book - a joyful city...

I swear Sydney is an odd place to live. Ray (from Melbourne) rang last night to tell me that he bought a Sydway. Too bad that those maps don't have these weird-ass signs in them. The first one is a dodgy one near my place in the Eastern Suburbs (uh-oh... that's no good). And the second one I discovered during my drive North with Sarah and Beth.

Speaking of those girls... man I miss the team! It's disgusting because I'm a nostalgic person (hence the blogging) but I swear I didn't think I'd get this fussy about moving back home. But after realising that they don't actually live in the next room anymore... well that's just sad.

picture book - farewell November

Well... team is officially over. Cheers to my unforgettable CYS family.

We got birthday cake on our farewell night:

...The boys ditched youth ministry began their modelling careers...

... Bec felt called to her vocation as a fairy in NZ...

Beth and Sarah built a house in the kids department at Target and bought all the store's Barbie furniture...

Leoni and Vincent tried to bribe us back for another year with their excellent culinary skills...

... But Vincent followed Boks and Joe and began his modelling career at Terrigal...