Saturday, November 25, 2006

dear God...

Tonight is probably the official final day of team. Reason being is because one of them is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, so we'll never reunite as one team ever again. Then again, now that I think about it, I haven't been on team since 21st August 2006.

Part of me is happy for them. By happy I mean really ecstatic because they get their freedom - Bec can go to New Zealand, Beth will get a job and start uni in March, and Sarah will also start uni... Joe will.. do whatever it is that Joe does. I'm happy for them because this is a new chapter in their lives, and while the transition from team life will be even more painful than transition into team life, it will be an amazing journey into the real world... carrying with them all the strength, faith, and humour that they gained from fellow team members throughout this year.

Me... I'm in this office... 12:01am, preparing for a presentation that I have tomorrow evening. Fun times. :) That's my fault though... because I haven't had much time to do that this week.

Ha! On a totally bright side, I had the best conversation with Penitito outside St Mary's Cathedral Hall tonight. First I vented to Sarah in the car. One may wonder why I have any reason to vent - but apparently there are plenty of reasons. Valid ones too. Then after venting, I ventured into the hall and found Penitito near a container of biscuits, and suddenly we were venting our similar predicaments... and it felt good to know that I am not alone in this decision-making debacle.

Yes, that's right... I have yet to make a decision about next year. Hence the title of this blog entry... I need some serous God-time to discern (I'm not a massive fan of that word, partly because I'm no good at actually doing it).

So...

Dear God,
I'm a bit kerfuffled at the moment. Trying to figure out what you want me to do, but realising that that isn't the actually the issue at hand. I'm not entirely sure what your will is, and I suppose at the end of the day I don't need to be sure - I just need to do my best at doing it.

So here's the thing. You're will be done.

Here's the state of my heart: I miss Caitlyn. I miss her happy smile and being able to experience, pure, hilarious and beautiful love from her. I also miss having the time and opportunity to actually develop good, solid relationships with the people in my family. I'm always working weekends, ridiculous hours, and I'm always exhausted by the time I drive home. So what's the point of all of that exactly? I'd also like to see my friends... help them plan their weddings, the arrival of their babies. I'd also like to have a day free to go on a second date. You already know how long I waited for the first one - and now I'm making him wait before he takes me on a second one? That's not good.

I miss the SPY kids.

But most of all... I miss being part of a community. A place where I could receive nourishment... where I could receive
love(!) without feeling so damn guilty for it. Now that team is all splitting up and going their separate ways, and I'm still here... it's kind of.. umm... weird. Because there goes my sense of community. Buh-bye... No parish community out here because I'm always visiting a different one every week. No sense of belonging... no sense of... family.

I miss having weekly meetings with my household where we would talk about life, vent about work, uni and all those random things.. and just enjoy being young.

I miss being in my 20s... because the people I work with expect me to have the strength, abilities and detachment as they do... but they're in their 30s. And their experience beats mine hands down.

So now I'm kind of stuffed. Totally and utterly stuffed. Because I love the job, I love the work I get to do, I love the people that I get to meet... but I don't love not feeling like I belong here.

I want to go home.

Please take me to heaven... I kind of miss you.

Amen.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

lettuce in my box

In bed with pink stripey pyjama pants and grey colorado jumper. It's not exactly cold and it's not exactly hot either. Wish the weather would get sorted, because I'm seriously over Winter. This week was monumental in that I had to wear a scarf on Thursday. I've never worn a scarf in November... but it seems to be the month of all new experiences.

One of the staff at the place I study thinks this wacky weather is one sure sign the world might end any day. I'm not into trying to predict the end of the world though, so I'll just stick to the reasoning that we (and all other previous generations) have treated this world like crap and as are copping droughts, snow and bushfires (all within one week) as a result.

Today was McHappy day. Lunched with Eddoes and hit the road to Sutherland not long afterwards. Well done to the Shire WYD team!! Tonight's Activ8 was fantastic, and I'm sure all your efforts will continue to bear a lot of wonderful fruit.

Speaking of fruit... I'm seriously craving mangoes. There are a stack of them in the kitchen, I'm sure... but I can't be bothered to go downstairs. As a result, my midnight snack is a quarter of a block of Cadbury chocolate. No wonder I never have energy... my diet is seriously lackingthe real nutrients. McDonald's... and chocolate. Although I should get points for my attempt to eat healthily tonight. I purchased food from a shop called "pure and healthy" - but for the record pure and healthy ain't exaclty the best tasting stuff so I'll stick to the chocolate.

I'm still toying with the holiday idea btw. I haven't got a clue where and when I want to go... before Christmas or after Christmas (really I'd love to get a plane ticket to a deserted island as an early Christmas gift...) but it doesn't seem do-able at all. And I haven't had time to do anything other than hold meetings. My calendar is consistently booked up with meeting after meeting. And when my friends call me, I'm always driving to a meeting or just walking in my bedroom door and collapsing after one. Not to say these meetings are bad - they're fantastic (especially the people I get to meet as a result of the meetings) - but they sure take the energy out of me...

Assuming I have energy, that is.

I've discovered a couple of things today:
- I like blogging because it means I have time to do something other than work. Blogging requires very little on my part, and also usually means I'm in bed and have had a chance to reflect or bludge. Even if it means for only five minutes...

- Writing things down ensures my memory of the event. Told Jonna today that I like looking back over happy moments and realising how much I've grown (or haven't - I'm still short and Asian), or how much something meant to me once. It's humbling to know that we're human, change, need reminding, and that it is only ever GOD who will remain eternal.

- Work is totally over-rated. We have this need to feel busy. I don't know if it's something about living in the city, or growing up in the Western world, but I don't understand why I feel guilty when I'm NOT doing something. Resting and resetting my brain makes me feel like I'm not doing the right thing, even though deep down inside I know I'm totally entitled to ME-time.

- Some people (namely my parents) have to get over the attitude that they've got the right to everything. I was reminded today (during John Finneran's talk at Activ8) that there are many countries in the world where pure, clean drinking water is a privilege, not a right. That for many people, education is a privilege, not a right. That we are stewards of what God has given us, not owners. When I'm given something (anything - a job, a car, a friend, a niece, an invitation, a responsibility), I don't sit there tallying up figures to what I was or wasn't entitled to... I just trust that God has given me all that I need, and keep on doing his work. It was slightly offending that they are still trying to convince me to get another job. This job/vocation/calling (whatever you want to call it) is God's gift to me... and I'd like to as much as I can with that gift, instead of returning it at the store and ungratefully asking for a better one.

*bleh* man I'm tired.

Monday, November 06, 2006

dying for a....

Desperate need for a holiday right about now. But it gets pretty depressing when I look at my phone bill... and then my credit card bill... and realise I'm REALLY broke. God I hate debts. Especially debts that grow due to interest.

On a much brighter note, the sun came out to say hello today. And I finally cooked a meal! Like.. it's been months since I cooked a real meal. So today it was lemon & pepper steak with steamed vegies and roast pumpkin & sweet potato. Yum... well - in theory it's yum. Not sure it actually was though.

So... I'm thinking I need a trip to the beach. Or my bed... it's hard to say really. All I know is that I'm absolutely pooped... a bit annoyed at my colleagues and in desperate need for a holiday. Oh damn it... I already said that.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

it was all a dream once

Well it's Sunday night. 29minutes til Australian Idol - and counting. I've stuffed myself with so much food in the past 30 hours I'm not sure I'll be bothered to cook (or go fetch) dinner. Besides, the weather is pretty drastic. Almost feels like Winter (as opposed to almost-Summer) - what with the wind howling, the rain splattering through my window, and the doors creaking in the hallway.

But you know what? My sister's comment was right... storms come to pass, and the sky almost clears. Why and how God does it remains a mystery to me, but at this stage in my life I'm happy enough to float into whatever he's got planned.

So this entire weekend has been a heaven away from home. Friday night was Vincent's 30th (whoops... should I be revealing his age online? Ah well - everyone knows he doesn't act like a normal 30 year anyway. Come to think about it he doesn't act like a normal anything). We rushed back to Clovelly after an evening at the FREEDOM concert. That was definitely an experience of God's grace right there. Often I feel completely unworthy to deliver a talk about anything faith-related. 6 years of public speaking doesn't do much to calm the nerves... and the feeling of being a real hypocrite sometimes. But I remember venting my frustrations to a priest once, and he told me that often God uses such moments where we must appear to be convicted to raise the actual conviction that is sometimes lacking. This is exactly what happened on Friday night when I found myself delivering a talk about being called. My only point of reference was the passage from Philippians that God lovingly directed my thoughts to that morning, during Adoration:

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.
[Phil 1: 27-30]

It was affirming.. to know that even thousands upon thousands of years ago, St Paul was struggling.. and writing to Christians who were also struggling... and that despite all those struggles, the Church, and the Truth that it stands for, is still going strong. Praise God!

So Friday kick-started what turned out to be a really beautiful weekend. God has proved to me that there really are some impressive gentlemen in the world. The particular gentleman on my mind is probably going to resent the fact that I'm blogging this - but can I just tell the rest of this online blogging world that I'm MAJORLY impressed that he was able to fit so many of my favourite things into one remarkable day? Orange tulips, hot, rich chocolate, cake, Mass, really YUMMY Spanish food and... gelato!! Wow... All this time I didn't think God could put that much thoughtfulness into one person (let alone a guy)... but waddaya know? I've been swept off my feet and he doesn't even realise it.

Today he introduced me to the fascinating world of shopping for shoes (men's shoes, that is) - something I've never had to do in my entire life. I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I didn't collapse in the middle of Pitt St mall in exhaustion or boredom.

So really I just spent the whole weekend with this guy... and I think I'm falling into that sickening type of puppy love that usually makes me throw up. (AGH!!!!!)

Hand-cuff me to my chair or else I'll lose my sanity. (Although can I admit feeling this way is much better than feeling abandoned and unsure?)

Thank you God for answering my prayers... no matter how lame and gibberish-like they always seem to be.