What an eventful month November has been... I suppose my head has been spinning with so much new information that I haven't had much of a chance to get it all down. In summary:
At the moment:
* Looking up new laptop to purchase. Not so sure if I should get an Apple or a PC. It's a never-ending debate... and it's a tough one to find a winner to.
* Sorting through 2nd-round university applications. I've sent one to Notre Dame for a Diploma of Education (secondary). I'm mulling over sending one to Sydney Uni for my Masters (something media-related).
* Just read through a UTS information pack (Business).
* Surrounded by: Ferrero Rochers (courtesy of Edwin Adan), documents from work, application forms galore, Lipton Apple Green Tea, clean laundry that needs to be folded, an empty box of NERDS, red roses (also courtesy of Mr Adan), an unmade bed... and a bedroom that needs to be vacuumed.
In the last three weeks I:
* Resigned. Yup - you all knew it was coming. Even then it was probably the toughest decision I've ever made - how do you let go of something that you love but causes you so much grief? At the end of the day I based my decision on the need to distance myself from the things that were causing me stress and pain, and the need to spend my time pursuing things that would ultimately make me happy and peaceful. Final date in the office is Fri Dec 28.
* Was in a car accident. It happened last Wednesday night on my way home from work. Someone in a white sedan merged from the right lane into the middle lane as I was trying to the same thing. When I went back to my lane to avoid them they merged into the left lane too, forcing me to drive onto the shoulder. I lost control of the car, hit the guard rail, did a few fishies and spun across three lanes and onto the right hand shoulder. Lucky it was past 10pm and there wasn't enough traffic to hit or be hit by. But the whole incident has left me shaken, stressed, and feeling somewhat attacked. The total damage to the car tallied up to approx $9,000 (great) and leaves me without a vehicle for the next three weeks. All because someone else felt like speeding on the motorway and cutting across three lanes. And no one stopped to help me either.
* Performed in a girl band. (Act of Faith)
* Finished the final sessions of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP (graduation is this Friday).
* Saved enough dosh for the NZ trip but not enough to actually buy anyone decent Christmas presents. (sorry in advance).
* Have had recurring daydreams about having a lazy month of January. i.e. no work and all play. The fact that I've failed in the savings department may make that daydream hard to turn into reality, but we'll see what happens ay?
* Partied and celebrated the feeling of freedom. Such events include Fr Warren's house-warming BBQ + Beth, Bic and Sarah's 21st.
* Enjoyed Terrigal Beach and the comfort of friendships that can stay the same - even if it's been a year since we've all been together.
Now I'm darker, free-er... and perhaps slightly more anxious. I hope I never forget how free and peaceful I did feel that week I resigned. I'd prayed about it for such a long time, and for the first time in months felt God's hand guiding me to something exhilarating and uniquely written for me. The stress of the car accident, together with how things at work never going as planned, have dampened that spirit of freedom... but I refuse to let it weigh me down.
Next year is a new chapter, a blank canvas... I can see a whole heap of things that can wrong - but a gazillion things that can also go right. And all I need to do is pray for faith and guidance... and the ability to create a decent conclusion to the chapter that is 2007.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The "Let's-Start-Saving" Wish-List
1. My car.
2. A high definition video camera.
3. A new laptop.
4. A new monitor.
5. Multimedia software.
6. An apartment to live in.
7. MBA
2. A high definition video camera.
3. A new laptop.
4. A new monitor.
5. Multimedia software.
6. An apartment to live in.
7. MBA
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Dear Lord
I'm really angry. And hurt. Angry and hurt. Seems like the same two feelings come around almost every day now. I feel like today would be my last straw. After receiving that phone call with some pretty selfish and f*d up news, I really just want to crawl in bed, resign from my job, and sign up for uni next year... or get myself a better job. Instead of this f*d up political shit that really just makes me sad.
Matt called me and said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Your words right? Hmm... one day I'll put them into practice.
Just not right now.
I'm really angry. And hurt. Angry and hurt. Seems like the same two feelings come around almost every day now. I feel like today would be my last straw. After receiving that phone call with some pretty selfish and f*d up news, I really just want to crawl in bed, resign from my job, and sign up for uni next year... or get myself a better job. Instead of this f*d up political shit that really just makes me sad.
Matt called me and said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Your words right? Hmm... one day I'll put them into practice.
Just not right now.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I'm sitting at a dining room table. It was a red table cloth. Our BRAVO DVD publisher is working away and I'm sitting here trying to get creative. It's hard. Plus my email system seems to be down. I'll have lunch eventually... but lunch makes me sleepy - I'm not sure it'll work out in my benefit. But I do have creamy carbonara spaghetti waiting for me. It's sitting in my bag next to a fruit salad.
I can't believe the weekend flew by so quickly. I'm not even sure what I did for those 48 hours...
Oh that's right... Friday night was talk 7 of the CLP. (I think it was talk 7). Who knows how many weeks it's been... but the weeks have flown by, so it must mean it's a good program. Saturday was a visit to the doctor after discovering how bruised my toenails were after removing three week's worth of purple nail polish. What? You've never had bruised toenails? Lucky you! It seems like my feet have had their own medical record. A couple of years back a really heavy photo frame fell on my right foot and left a scar. I think a few nails have broken (off) several times. Don't worry -they always grow back. Nicer and neater than before... except for maybe my pinky toes, which will always look a bit funny. My poor feet... which are too big and keep on growing, even though the rest of me doesn't (I feel rorted - wouldn't you?).
Anyway, on Saturday morning during breakfast with the parents I mentioned how, to my dismay, my toenail still didn't look right (it was damaged because I was stupid enough to wear shoes that were too small during a 14km run). Please keep in mind, I never get any sympathy from my parents when I get ill, wounded or emotionally scarred. Instead, I got a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible I am, and how I should go to the doctor before my feet fall off.
So I drove into town, wasted half an hour in the waiting room, and told the doctor the truth - that I wasn't going to waste her time but my mother insisted I get my funny looking toenail sussed out by a professional. Her advice? Use nail polish to cover it up and wait patiently for it to grow. The same prescription I give myself every other time my precious toenails on my overgrown feet get crushed, smashed, broken or bruised. *sigh* (waste of a Saturday afternoon.)
After a few confusing minutes in Priceline (where I tried to find the perfect shade of nail enamel), I drove home to paint my nails. I've always been terrible at painting my nails. But now they're done. And according to the REVLON saleslady, the stuff should last for at least 10 days. Pfft -whatever. I drove to Video Ezy and back and they were already scuffed.
At some stage in the evening, we had dinner with the whole family. Like... the whole family. Mum, Dad, Annabelle, her fiance (Chu), her fiance's sister, Jean, her husband (Mark), their gorgeous little bubba Caitlyn, Rina, Roanne, Eddoes, and myself. All crowded around at our tiny little kitchen table feasting on garlic pizza, spaghetti, crab, pizza with strange toppings (like carrot or brocolli), prawnsm, squid, and a nice big bottle of Coke Zero. And fruit for dessert. Yummy! Then we ventured to the living room for a few hours of Wii-family fun. It was hilarious watching our personalised little characters on screen smashing tennis records, bowling strikes, and putting well above par. I am absolutely terrible at Wii baseball. And Edwin has managed to figure out a way of kicking my ass at tennis with a flick of a wrist. No fair, I say.
After a few hours of TV exercise, Chu blew out his birthday candles (with a lot of help from Caitlyn), and opened a large assortment of gifts. It was cool... I figure you're officially part of the family once we chuck a party for you. Not long til they're married... how exciting.
Sunday called for an early wake-up due to our monthly dose of Mass singing. We got to the church and realised we'd forgotten the guitar. I say "we" because the guitar was in my living room, and both of us, in our hurry to get to the church on time, forgot to actually pick it up and put it in the boot. So in our half-asleep zombie-like trance, Edwin drove back and we made it to Mass about 5 minutes before the opening song. We're pros I tell ya!
I think lazy Sundays are the best. We breakfasted at Maccas with half of the choir (memories of the good ol' days when we had at least 10 people show up for 8:45am Masses... and breakfast was a must for all). Then I spent half the day half asleep. Watched Heroes, Knocked Up, had fish and chips for lunch and pizza for dinner (oh that amount of oil makes me feel sick thinking about it...) and ran a two hour multimedia workshop as part of Leader's Training.
Now I'm just.... out of creative energy. And I've wasted half my lunch break blogging. I wonder if Coleen or Luke still blog. I should waste my time reading their ones instead of filling up mine...
I can't believe the weekend flew by so quickly. I'm not even sure what I did for those 48 hours...
Oh that's right... Friday night was talk 7 of the CLP. (I think it was talk 7). Who knows how many weeks it's been... but the weeks have flown by, so it must mean it's a good program. Saturday was a visit to the doctor after discovering how bruised my toenails were after removing three week's worth of purple nail polish. What? You've never had bruised toenails? Lucky you! It seems like my feet have had their own medical record. A couple of years back a really heavy photo frame fell on my right foot and left a scar. I think a few nails have broken (off) several times. Don't worry -they always grow back. Nicer and neater than before... except for maybe my pinky toes, which will always look a bit funny. My poor feet... which are too big and keep on growing, even though the rest of me doesn't (I feel rorted - wouldn't you?).
Anyway, on Saturday morning during breakfast with the parents I mentioned how, to my dismay, my toenail still didn't look right (it was damaged because I was stupid enough to wear shoes that were too small during a 14km run). Please keep in mind, I never get any sympathy from my parents when I get ill, wounded or emotionally scarred. Instead, I got a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible I am, and how I should go to the doctor before my feet fall off.
So I drove into town, wasted half an hour in the waiting room, and told the doctor the truth - that I wasn't going to waste her time but my mother insisted I get my funny looking toenail sussed out by a professional. Her advice? Use nail polish to cover it up and wait patiently for it to grow. The same prescription I give myself every other time my precious toenails on my overgrown feet get crushed, smashed, broken or bruised. *sigh* (waste of a Saturday afternoon.)
After a few confusing minutes in Priceline (where I tried to find the perfect shade of nail enamel), I drove home to paint my nails. I've always been terrible at painting my nails. But now they're done. And according to the REVLON saleslady, the stuff should last for at least 10 days. Pfft -whatever. I drove to Video Ezy and back and they were already scuffed.
At some stage in the evening, we had dinner with the whole family. Like... the whole family. Mum, Dad, Annabelle, her fiance (Chu), her fiance's sister, Jean, her husband (Mark), their gorgeous little bubba Caitlyn, Rina, Roanne, Eddoes, and myself. All crowded around at our tiny little kitchen table feasting on garlic pizza, spaghetti, crab, pizza with strange toppings (like carrot or brocolli), prawnsm, squid, and a nice big bottle of Coke Zero. And fruit for dessert. Yummy! Then we ventured to the living room for a few hours of Wii-family fun. It was hilarious watching our personalised little characters on screen smashing tennis records, bowling strikes, and putting well above par. I am absolutely terrible at Wii baseball. And Edwin has managed to figure out a way of kicking my ass at tennis with a flick of a wrist. No fair, I say.
After a few hours of TV exercise, Chu blew out his birthday candles (with a lot of help from Caitlyn), and opened a large assortment of gifts. It was cool... I figure you're officially part of the family once we chuck a party for you. Not long til they're married... how exciting.
Sunday called for an early wake-up due to our monthly dose of Mass singing. We got to the church and realised we'd forgotten the guitar. I say "we" because the guitar was in my living room, and both of us, in our hurry to get to the church on time, forgot to actually pick it up and put it in the boot. So in our half-asleep zombie-like trance, Edwin drove back and we made it to Mass about 5 minutes before the opening song. We're pros I tell ya!
I think lazy Sundays are the best. We breakfasted at Maccas with half of the choir (memories of the good ol' days when we had at least 10 people show up for 8:45am Masses... and breakfast was a must for all). Then I spent half the day half asleep. Watched Heroes, Knocked Up, had fish and chips for lunch and pizza for dinner (oh that amount of oil makes me feel sick thinking about it...) and ran a two hour multimedia workshop as part of Leader's Training.
Now I'm just.... out of creative energy. And I've wasted half my lunch break blogging. I wonder if Coleen or Luke still blog. I should waste my time reading their ones instead of filling up mine...
Thursday, November 01, 2007
my love affair with tzatziki
My stomach feels so bloated right now, and I'm about to drop into a very deep sleep.
After purchasing some random goodies for Vincent's birthday present, I decided to treat myself to my much loved garlic-fix: tzatziki dip (teamed with garlic bagel crisps, this stuff gives you deadly breath but ultra-satisfied taste buds).
Give-away behaviour that proves tzatziki dip is up their amongst the other loves of my life:
1. When in the right mood, I'll happily rip open the bag of bagel crisps and begin to dip into the tzatziki long before I've even gotten into the drivers seat of my car. Today I'd eaten four or five mouthfuls before I'd pulled out of the carpark.
2. I will happily enjoy this unhealthy snack whilst driving, despite the possible dangers of collision.
3. I have no qualms about the pending bad breath this dip will give me. And yes... it can get very bad.
4. It makes me happy. Very happy.
After purchasing some random goodies for Vincent's birthday present, I decided to treat myself to my much loved garlic-fix: tzatziki dip (teamed with garlic bagel crisps, this stuff gives you deadly breath but ultra-satisfied taste buds).
Give-away behaviour that proves tzatziki dip is up their amongst the other loves of my life:
1. When in the right mood, I'll happily rip open the bag of bagel crisps and begin to dip into the tzatziki long before I've even gotten into the drivers seat of my car. Today I'd eaten four or five mouthfuls before I'd pulled out of the carpark.
2. I will happily enjoy this unhealthy snack whilst driving, despite the possible dangers of collision.
3. I have no qualms about the pending bad breath this dip will give me. And yes... it can get very bad.
4. It makes me happy. Very happy.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I'm sick. I know that may not be news to some (I'm generally a pretty sickly person - I've never had a strong immune system). Today it was something fluey... for a week I've thought it was hay fever... but I woke up today feeling like a truck had run me over and left green mucus-like debris in my nose. Even after two doses of antibiotics it still hurts when I cough... or laugh. My lungs just don't like breathing right now. I am cringing at the thought of going to work tomorrow... so I probably won't. Not out of laziness, but simply because if I take the 2 hour commute to my desk and stare at my screen for 8 hours, then travel another 2 hours to get home, I will hate both myself for wasting 4 hours of my day when I could have spent them recovering, and end up hating my boss and my job for making me feel that wasting that precious recovery time was necessary. Therefore: better to rest up and work from home (if I actually wake up and find muscle energy to get out of bed), than waste a day staring at the screen, Facebooking.
On a much more happier note, my Dad turned 70 today (or yesterday, since it's already past midnight). It was such a joyous and funny occassion; Caitlyn is the life of the party, and we enjoyed all-you-can-eat seafood at Four Points Sheraton, near Kings St Wharf. Then we did the whole present-opening thing at my place... which was just as entertaining. By the end of the present-opening and photo-taking I was hungry again... despite having downed about 10 oysters, a lobster, salmon, salad, chicken with tomato pesto sauce, and an entire plate of chocolate desserts. (I was so excited when I got to the restaurant that I forgot to take my medicine... which in retrospect wasn't such a bad move because I think it made me throw up my lunch this afternoon when I took my first dose.)
I also wore the $60 dress (Sunday's impulse purchase, that my Mum tried so desperately to make me return, for fear of my credit card bill. When I told her I didn't actually use my credit card but my savings instead, she was even more mortified), and to my dismay realised it shows a hellavalot of cleavage. (Not that that will stop me from wearing it.) I bow my head in shame because my wardrobe is definitely sporting a larger range of clothing that show off more and more skin - E.g. the pin-striped (short) shorts I bought last April for the trip to NZ that I vowed only to ever wear when swimming have now become regular shopping attire. Last time I wore them out, Ian asked me "Joy, where are the rest of your pants?"... then he complimented me on my tan, so I wasn't particularly phased by the first comment.
I'm thirsting for a swim and the beach... but time has not allowed for such luxuries. I'm sure these joy-giving pleasures of my Summer-loving life are not too far from the corner. In the meantime I will remain content practicing for the Act of Faith performance (yes, I'm in a band and yes, there is an embarrassing gig scheduled in for November 10... or maybe 11... don't know), taking silly photos of Caitlyn, and hanging with my boyfriend... who is getting sweeter and more hilarious by the day. E.g. last Friday he got my tickets to watch Australian Idol live (sweet) and he also baked me chocolate muffins (sweet, but also hilarious -this is an in-joke that we have). I feasted on these scrumptious muffins for breakfast for two days (they only lasted that long - that's what happens when you live with two other girls.
There's also CLP on Fridays (something like... 5 or 6 weeks to go... oh my gosh; that's a bit crazy). I still can't believe I'm joining Singles for Christ. For years I was a faithful YFC-er; a leader even... but SFC? The name is both off-putting and misleading... and every time I mention it to someone I have to calmly explain that it's not a singles club - it's just the young adult version of YFC. i.e. "Singles" meaning not-married people/time of adulthood that can be dedicated to both exploring faith and serving others etc. etc.
And that's my life thus far. I keep telling myself I should:
1. Pray a lot more than I do. I'm getting REALLY lazy... which is bad... bad for me because prayer is uplifting and calming and much more productive than impulse shopping.
2. Start writing my book!!! Voices and thoughts and paragraphs form in my brain but never reach the paper. I've gotten so lazy in the last few years, and I feel like I haven't done anything truly creative in AGES.
3. Do something truly creative.
4. Stop complaining about my job... even though it is honestly such a great source of stress for me.
5. Save more money (i.e. refer to point #1)
I'm sure there are pah-lenty of other things I could do... but that's it for now. The night dosage is kicking in and I'm starting to breathe heavily... need sleep...
On a much more happier note, my Dad turned 70 today (or yesterday, since it's already past midnight). It was such a joyous and funny occassion; Caitlyn is the life of the party, and we enjoyed all-you-can-eat seafood at Four Points Sheraton, near Kings St Wharf. Then we did the whole present-opening thing at my place... which was just as entertaining. By the end of the present-opening and photo-taking I was hungry again... despite having downed about 10 oysters, a lobster, salmon, salad, chicken with tomato pesto sauce, and an entire plate of chocolate desserts. (I was so excited when I got to the restaurant that I forgot to take my medicine... which in retrospect wasn't such a bad move because I think it made me throw up my lunch this afternoon when I took my first dose.)
I also wore the $60 dress (Sunday's impulse purchase, that my Mum tried so desperately to make me return, for fear of my credit card bill. When I told her I didn't actually use my credit card but my savings instead, she was even more mortified), and to my dismay realised it shows a hellavalot of cleavage. (Not that that will stop me from wearing it.) I bow my head in shame because my wardrobe is definitely sporting a larger range of clothing that show off more and more skin - E.g. the pin-striped (short) shorts I bought last April for the trip to NZ that I vowed only to ever wear when swimming have now become regular shopping attire. Last time I wore them out, Ian asked me "Joy, where are the rest of your pants?"... then he complimented me on my tan, so I wasn't particularly phased by the first comment.
I'm thirsting for a swim and the beach... but time has not allowed for such luxuries. I'm sure these joy-giving pleasures of my Summer-loving life are not too far from the corner. In the meantime I will remain content practicing for the Act of Faith performance (yes, I'm in a band and yes, there is an embarrassing gig scheduled in for November 10... or maybe 11... don't know), taking silly photos of Caitlyn, and hanging with my boyfriend... who is getting sweeter and more hilarious by the day. E.g. last Friday he got my tickets to watch Australian Idol live (sweet) and he also baked me chocolate muffins (sweet, but also hilarious -this is an in-joke that we have). I feasted on these scrumptious muffins for breakfast for two days (they only lasted that long - that's what happens when you live with two other girls.
There's also CLP on Fridays (something like... 5 or 6 weeks to go... oh my gosh; that's a bit crazy). I still can't believe I'm joining Singles for Christ. For years I was a faithful YFC-er; a leader even... but SFC? The name is both off-putting and misleading... and every time I mention it to someone I have to calmly explain that it's not a singles club - it's just the young adult version of YFC. i.e. "Singles" meaning not-married people/time of adulthood that can be dedicated to both exploring faith and serving others etc. etc.
And that's my life thus far. I keep telling myself I should:
1. Pray a lot more than I do. I'm getting REALLY lazy... which is bad... bad for me because prayer is uplifting and calming and much more productive than impulse shopping.
2. Start writing my book!!! Voices and thoughts and paragraphs form in my brain but never reach the paper. I've gotten so lazy in the last few years, and I feel like I haven't done anything truly creative in AGES.
3. Do something truly creative.
4. Stop complaining about my job... even though it is honestly such a great source of stress for me.
5. Save more money (i.e. refer to point #1)
I'm sure there are pah-lenty of other things I could do... but that's it for now. The night dosage is kicking in and I'm starting to breathe heavily... need sleep...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the rest is still unwritten (la dah di dah)
VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT F*N EXHAUSTED DIDN'T SLEEP TIL 6AM THIS MORNING. HAD AN AWESOME DAY AT FOX STUDIOS, WHCH ALMOST ENDED IN ME THROWING MY WORK LAPTOP AGAINST THE OFFICE WALL AT CYS HOUSE BECAUSE IM JUST SO OVER THIS WHOLE PROJECT WHICH I HAVEN'T RECEIVED MUCH HELP FROM. I'M PISSED OFF BUT TRYING TO STAY CALM - WISH I WAS ASLEEP BUT NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM BECAUSE I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WORK AGAIN; THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY. ON A POSITIVE NOTE I ENJOYED A LAMB SOUVLAKI ROLL WITH TZATZIKI DIP (YUM!!) ON A GOOD (BUT NOT EXACTLY GREAT) NOTE, I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS. I AM SUCH A SUCKER TO PEER PRESSURE; IT COST E $59.95 BUT REALLY IT'S ONLY WORTH $5.00. OH WELL. STRAPLESS, WHITE WITH A BLUE PATTERN; PERFECT FOR THE BEACH IF I EVER GET AROUND TO GOING THERE. WORE IT WHILE I PRACTICED PLAYING GUITAR TODAY; MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY AND CAREFREE WHEN I'M WEARING IT... OH MAN I CAN'T STAND WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE SOMETIMES - I NEED TO FIND A MORE SATISFYING JOB VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT
Monday, October 22, 2007
It's lunch time already (12:30pm). There is a 20month old baby (cutest thing I've ever seen) asleep on my bed, and it took me about 2 hours of my morning to get her into that peaceful state of slumber.
I keep procrastinating because I really DON'T want to produce this video. *sigh*
Now I'm hungry.
No Joy... don't eat lunch yet. Start the videos already!
I have a sudden craving for sago.
Before I log-off and beging the inevitable task of pulling together a few chapters of a promotional DVD, I thought I'd share a perfect moment of my weekend. (Apologies if this offends anyone who expecting myself or the boyfriend to help out at the GK One Day stalls yesterday... whoops!)
Spent yesterday afternoon after Mass sitting in Edwin's living room. His parents bought us kebabs for lunch and at about 2:30pm I was lying on his green couch reading the final chapters of the Marian Keyes book, Edwin had just finished the graphic novel prequel to the Transforms movie and was sitting a seat away with his feet up reading an I.T. mag, his mum was in the kitchen while his dad was in the rumpus room and both were reading different sections of the weekend newspaper. When I glanced up from the book my heart stopped for about ten seconds as I realised what a disgustingly perfect scene this was... Sunday afternoon in the coolness of a family living room, reading in peace, resting after a spectularly exhausting week, with unbreakable quiet. No screaming, no random requests to get something done, no pressure to be anywhere else or exert any energy.
SCARY.
I keep procrastinating because I really DON'T want to produce this video. *sigh*
Now I'm hungry.
No Joy... don't eat lunch yet. Start the videos already!
I have a sudden craving for sago.
Before I log-off and beging the inevitable task of pulling together a few chapters of a promotional DVD, I thought I'd share a perfect moment of my weekend. (Apologies if this offends anyone who expecting myself or the boyfriend to help out at the GK One Day stalls yesterday... whoops!)
Spent yesterday afternoon after Mass sitting in Edwin's living room. His parents bought us kebabs for lunch and at about 2:30pm I was lying on his green couch reading the final chapters of the Marian Keyes book, Edwin had just finished the graphic novel prequel to the Transforms movie and was sitting a seat away with his feet up reading an I.T. mag, his mum was in the kitchen while his dad was in the rumpus room and both were reading different sections of the weekend newspaper. When I glanced up from the book my heart stopped for about ten seconds as I realised what a disgustingly perfect scene this was... Sunday afternoon in the coolness of a family living room, reading in peace, resting after a spectularly exhausting week, with unbreakable quiet. No screaming, no random requests to get something done, no pressure to be anywhere else or exert any energy.
SCARY.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
"Why can't we love the right people? What is so wrong with us that we rush into situations to which we are manifestly unsuited, which will hurt us and others? Why are we given emotions that we cannot control? That move in exact contradiction to what we really want: We are walking conflicts, internal battles on legs, and if human beings were cars, we would return them for being faulty."
(p.188 "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes)
I'm sitting at work. 5:06pm, and I don't feel like getting on the train home just yet. Thursday evening... I could go shopping, but I've told myself to get over the need of buying something new for the sake of feeling secure, accomplished, or sexy. Materialism is just way over-rated. I've bought pair after pair of new shoes and don't feel any more wanted or any more loved than the next girl.
It's been an interesting few weeks back in Sydney. I would say that I miss being in Italy, but I don't. I'm enjoying being able to live in and accept the reality that is my life. I work full-time, and I know ten years from now, I will not regret spending two years of my life in this organisation or doing this type of work. I've learned a lot about how to deal with difficult people, how to build up good leaders, how to listen and be genuinely concerned, how to be thick-skinned and to the point when someone is messing with me.
I've also learned also learned that political games are full of bullshit and anyone who allows themselves to get suckered into the shit (especially AFTER they've been warned about losing all sense of value or morality) is an idiot.
I'm enjoying this Marian Keyes book because it's honest. There's a character in there (Jojo) who is having an affair with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there is something that she loves about the way he wants her. I read this book and think about the lives of these imaginary characters (all of whom I've developed a fondness of because I relate to all of them in one way of other, even though I've never had an affair with a married man).
At one stage Lily Wright asks: "Why do we have such a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite one for pain?" I was walking to work this morning (late - again), I decided that this world is obsessed with sex because sex is physical proof that our bodies were made for pleasure. We have an inbuilt desire to be held, touched, loved, kissed and wanted. Generally, people don't want to walk around sad, distressed, depressed and alone. They want to be missed, desired and pined over... and when you get into a relationship with someone and realise that they want YOU... well - what a compliment. Not to say that sex is the answer to depression - if anything random sex with random people is eventually going to give you the opposite conclusion. You'll end up asking, "Why did they stop wanting me?" or "Why did they walk away?" or "If they were sincerely interested, why haven't they called?" and all the pointless insecurities that Satan likes to play games with will rise to the surface and instead of feeling loved you'll feel rejected, sad, distressed, depressed and alone (again).
So what to do this this desire for pleasure and satisfaction? What does one direct their energies towards if not a shallow, temporary union of two bodies in a passionate embrace? God only knows.
(p.188 "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes)
I'm sitting at work. 5:06pm, and I don't feel like getting on the train home just yet. Thursday evening... I could go shopping, but I've told myself to get over the need of buying something new for the sake of feeling secure, accomplished, or sexy. Materialism is just way over-rated. I've bought pair after pair of new shoes and don't feel any more wanted or any more loved than the next girl.
It's been an interesting few weeks back in Sydney. I would say that I miss being in Italy, but I don't. I'm enjoying being able to live in and accept the reality that is my life. I work full-time, and I know ten years from now, I will not regret spending two years of my life in this organisation or doing this type of work. I've learned a lot about how to deal with difficult people, how to build up good leaders, how to listen and be genuinely concerned, how to be thick-skinned and to the point when someone is messing with me.
I've also learned also learned that political games are full of bullshit and anyone who allows themselves to get suckered into the shit (especially AFTER they've been warned about losing all sense of value or morality) is an idiot.
I'm enjoying this Marian Keyes book because it's honest. There's a character in there (Jojo) who is having an affair with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there is something that she loves about the way he wants her. I read this book and think about the lives of these imaginary characters (all of whom I've developed a fondness of because I relate to all of them in one way of other, even though I've never had an affair with a married man).
At one stage Lily Wright asks: "Why do we have such a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite one for pain?" I was walking to work this morning (late - again), I decided that this world is obsessed with sex because sex is physical proof that our bodies were made for pleasure. We have an inbuilt desire to be held, touched, loved, kissed and wanted. Generally, people don't want to walk around sad, distressed, depressed and alone. They want to be missed, desired and pined over... and when you get into a relationship with someone and realise that they want YOU... well - what a compliment. Not to say that sex is the answer to depression - if anything random sex with random people is eventually going to give you the opposite conclusion. You'll end up asking, "Why did they stop wanting me?" or "Why did they walk away?" or "If they were sincerely interested, why haven't they called?" and all the pointless insecurities that Satan likes to play games with will rise to the surface and instead of feeling loved you'll feel rejected, sad, distressed, depressed and alone (again).
So what to do this this desire for pleasure and satisfaction? What does one direct their energies towards if not a shallow, temporary union of two bodies in a passionate embrace? God only knows.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
TodaY:
From door to desk: 2.5 hours. Traffic down the M7 was horrendous, and the WHOLE M2 was congested too. Yeeshk. Sucks when you think of how you could've just slept in and arrived at work at the same time... Far out. Lucky I prayed my guts out for parking.
I forgot: To bring the cable to convert the video footage I was meant to edit today. GARGGH!
But: It was hot today (gotta love the heat), and I get to have dinner on a fancy schmancy cruise... and possibly see Fran (YAY!) and *sigh* I'm just... wanting to crawl into bed right now.
Liking that: I had dinner with Eddoes last night and we watched Transformers (again). Glad we can bond over childhood memories like that.... hahaha.. my playfriend!! *spew*
I think I need to go for a looong ass walk down to Circular Quay.
I forgot: To bring the cable to convert the video footage I was meant to edit today. GARGGH!
But: It was hot today (gotta love the heat), and I get to have dinner on a fancy schmancy cruise... and possibly see Fran (YAY!) and *sigh* I'm just... wanting to crawl into bed right now.
Liking that: I had dinner with Eddoes last night and we watched Transformers (again). Glad we can bond over childhood memories like that.... hahaha.. my playfriend!! *spew*
I think I need to go for a looong ass walk down to Circular Quay.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
all of the above.
I'm a Facebook addict. It's disgusting. I'm ashamed, but at the same time... I'm not really ashamed, because everyone's a bloody Facebook addict. I blame everyone else, because everyday my inbox is full of notifications, requests, pokes, TopFriend add-ons, new growing gifts, invitations to add an aquarium, a fake Mojito or a beer, tagged photos and photo comments.
No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.
I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.
Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.
I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).
At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.
I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...
I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.
And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?
Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?
All of the above.
And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.
No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.
I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.
Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.
I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).
At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.
I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...
I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.
And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?
Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?
All of the above.
And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
this weekend
Yesterday's impulse buy from Surf Dive 'n Ski (Harbourside shopping) was a black Billabong bikini. I've succumbed to the beach-babe wannabe in me... that desire to look stunning on the beach, despite the risk of exposing uh... the not-so-flattering (or public!) parts of my body.
The weekend flew by... and now I'm wasting time uploading old-school HSB photos on Facebook... with the desire to embarrass (and pull the heart-strings of) the surrogate family that once was mine all those years ago. How was it we used to see each other every week (religiously!), unpack the issues that came along in life during those university years, and still find the energy and heart and passion to serve hundreds of students every year? I wonder what ever did happen to those kids we used to speak with, befriend, laugh with and feel humiliated by each year..
I did, however, manage to clean out my room. You have no idea how big this achievement is - my room hasn't encountered the vacuum cleaner for quite some time. I had the choice to stay under the doona... or do the truly right thing and get rid of all that dust hiding beneath the doona and the bed. *sigh* I also decided to re-organise my wardrobe (bringing out all that Summer gear baby!), and part with my useless girly magazine collection (a waste of space, time, AND money... damn you makers of Cosmo and Cleo!). Wasting my hard-earned moola on mags that make me feel both insecure and in need of a make-over is the one vice that I've yet to truly surrender. I can't believe how often I'll fall into buying those things just for the sake of having something glossy and colourful to read on the train ride home. (very rarely I stumble across a decent story in there... more often than not I buy it so I can check out Jalba and wish I could look like her in a similar but much cheaper looking outfit).
I also realised today how many books I have accumulated over the past two years. It's dangerous working so close to Elizabeth's Bookstore (a second-hand book store on Pitt St.) It was bad enough going to uni ten minutes from Koorong (back when I was a Mac student)... then I lived five minutes away from Borders last year... and now I'm up the road from a perfect little book store with CHEAP books... (today's bed-side friend is a Marian Keyes chic-lit novel - "The Other Side of the Story").
Yesterday:
Watched Miss Saigon production at Lyric theatre. Rewwrrr to Jen Trijo! Good job man - what a legend. She did really well! It was a sweet present; we had awesome seats, Eddoes bought me ice cream during the intermission, and we strolled the harbour afterwards, had dinner with his parents, and then had a lazy evening (the best evenings are the lazy ones).
This morning:
Jonna rang!! YEEEAHAAAA!! She's back! Man I've missed her.
Today:
My man rode his bike around the neighbourhood and said hello. I... laughed at his helmet hair. :)
The weekend flew by... and now I'm wasting time uploading old-school HSB photos on Facebook... with the desire to embarrass (and pull the heart-strings of) the surrogate family that once was mine all those years ago. How was it we used to see each other every week (religiously!), unpack the issues that came along in life during those university years, and still find the energy and heart and passion to serve hundreds of students every year? I wonder what ever did happen to those kids we used to speak with, befriend, laugh with and feel humiliated by each year..
I did, however, manage to clean out my room. You have no idea how big this achievement is - my room hasn't encountered the vacuum cleaner for quite some time. I had the choice to stay under the doona... or do the truly right thing and get rid of all that dust hiding beneath the doona and the bed. *sigh* I also decided to re-organise my wardrobe (bringing out all that Summer gear baby!), and part with my useless girly magazine collection (a waste of space, time, AND money... damn you makers of Cosmo and Cleo!). Wasting my hard-earned moola on mags that make me feel both insecure and in need of a make-over is the one vice that I've yet to truly surrender. I can't believe how often I'll fall into buying those things just for the sake of having something glossy and colourful to read on the train ride home. (very rarely I stumble across a decent story in there... more often than not I buy it so I can check out Jalba and wish I could look like her in a similar but much cheaper looking outfit).
I also realised today how many books I have accumulated over the past two years. It's dangerous working so close to Elizabeth's Bookstore (a second-hand book store on Pitt St.) It was bad enough going to uni ten minutes from Koorong (back when I was a Mac student)... then I lived five minutes away from Borders last year... and now I'm up the road from a perfect little book store with CHEAP books... (today's bed-side friend is a Marian Keyes chic-lit novel - "The Other Side of the Story").
Yesterday:
Watched Miss Saigon production at Lyric theatre. Rewwrrr to Jen Trijo! Good job man - what a legend. She did really well! It was a sweet present; we had awesome seats, Eddoes bought me ice cream during the intermission, and we strolled the harbour afterwards, had dinner with his parents, and then had a lazy evening (the best evenings are the lazy ones).
This morning:
Jonna rang!! YEEEAHAAAA!! She's back! Man I've missed her.
Today:
My man rode his bike around the neighbourhood and said hello. I... laughed at his helmet hair. :)
Saturday, October 06, 2007
I remember the reasons why I started this blog:
1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.
Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.
Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!
Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...
Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.
But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).
Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.
I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.
Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:
a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.
And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.
1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.
Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.
Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!
Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...
Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.
But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).
Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.
I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.
Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:
a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.
And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
lasagne, fried chicken, and some lemon-lime and bitters
It's too hot in my room. So I've opted for the kitchen - quite convenient, coz I hadn't eaten dinner.
Bought a second hand book today from Elizabeth's Bookshop (on Pitt St) - had a choice between Paulo Coelho's "Pilgrimage" or a chic-lit book. Went for the chic-lit because I'm not particularly in the mood for deep and profound.
In the mood for complete nothing-ness and laziness and... for my boss to give me leave to go to New Zealand with my boyfriend's family.
I got called in for jury duty (received the letter today in the mail) - this is the fourth time in the past 8 months that I've been called in... it's getting a bit much (they always ask me when I really can't...the last excuse was that I was in Italy - obviously wasn't going to cancel the trip for a court case). No excuses this time; it's some time at the end of October.
Bought a second hand book today from Elizabeth's Bookshop (on Pitt St) - had a choice between Paulo Coelho's "Pilgrimage" or a chic-lit book. Went for the chic-lit because I'm not particularly in the mood for deep and profound.
In the mood for complete nothing-ness and laziness and... for my boss to give me leave to go to New Zealand with my boyfriend's family.
I got called in for jury duty (received the letter today in the mail) - this is the fourth time in the past 8 months that I've been called in... it's getting a bit much (they always ask me when I really can't...the last excuse was that I was in Italy - obviously wasn't going to cancel the trip for a court case). No excuses this time; it's some time at the end of October.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
one of those ones...
Aloha Summer weather! Tomorrow is meant to be one of those beautiful Spring days that make me yearn for December sunshine (30-something degrees). The days are getting longer, the dresses getting girlier, the tan getting darker, feet getting smellier (gross but true), and the dreams getting deeper.
I am too lazy to blog these days - partly because by the time I get to my bed I'm too lazy to put on the appropriate sleep-time clothing, let alone wait for my laptop to boot, log-on and think of things to write.
Today, though, we had household at Jane's (a rarity in my life), and it was... good... to vent. At times I felt like I was getting the same answers I've always gotten - but at the same time I new the reason why it felt that way - because those answers are true; and they will always remain true.
I have been lazy at work since my return from Italy. Actually no - that's not true - I've been realistic (and there's a difference). When Edwin and I were on our way home from last night's Theology on Tap session @ PJ Gallaghers, I told him the reason why I haven't produced the videos that were meant to be produced two weeks ago is that I am no longer prepared to kill myself over something that clearly isn't worth losing sleep, quality time with family & loved ones, or my sanity for (let alone my life). If there was anything that the Loreto experience taught me, it was to embrace the parts of my life that I have been so guilty of ignoring over the past twelve months.
By "ignoring" I mean "not giving due attention to" - I am sick of not giving proper attention to the things in my life that give me... (hahaha) joy.
So... I have spent the last three weeks working my 8 hour days; going home when it was time to go home; resting when it was time to rest; spending time with my neice and my boyfriend when it was time to give them my time; cleaning the bathroom and toilet; folding my laundry instead of letting it pile up and making my room look like a disaster zone; washing and vacuuming my car; giving out gifts from overseas; catching up with friends (even though sometimes they aren't always sober when this happens); riding my bike; enjoying the first few talks of the Singles of Christ CLP... doing the things I ENJOY... as opposed to giving every ounce of my energy to a job that neither demands nor deserves that type of sacrifice.
Faith is at its best when it can still exist in the real world - in the midst of real life. (Or... at least that's what I told Jane on Facebook)
The past few days I have struggled with the question: What makes a Christian lifestyle more rewarding than a normal one? Why live the Christian values and suffer being ridiculed or shunned for having these values when their are millions of people who either ignore or don't know of these values and seem to be enjoying their reckless lifestyles? Being a Christian doesn't shield me from being hurt, abused, depressed, broken, in dept or tempted. If anything the challenges become harder... so why choose it? Why live it?
I won't publish tonight's household answers here because I can't be bothered. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, however, because very few people can answer this one. A quarter of my country's population are "Catholics" (this according the latest census) but only a handful will stand up for values in the public sphere.
Is it fear of starting an argument?
Fear of losing the argument?
Fear of having the argument?
Fear of not knowing what to argue?
All of the above really.
Most, if not all, discussions (I prefer to use the euphemism - forgive me) need to be brought out into the light so that more than a handful of Catholics learn how to answer that questions I have been struggling with for the past few days.
I am too lazy to blog these days - partly because by the time I get to my bed I'm too lazy to put on the appropriate sleep-time clothing, let alone wait for my laptop to boot, log-on and think of things to write.
Today, though, we had household at Jane's (a rarity in my life), and it was... good... to vent. At times I felt like I was getting the same answers I've always gotten - but at the same time I new the reason why it felt that way - because those answers are true; and they will always remain true.
I have been lazy at work since my return from Italy. Actually no - that's not true - I've been realistic (and there's a difference). When Edwin and I were on our way home from last night's Theology on Tap session @ PJ Gallaghers, I told him the reason why I haven't produced the videos that were meant to be produced two weeks ago is that I am no longer prepared to kill myself over something that clearly isn't worth losing sleep, quality time with family & loved ones, or my sanity for (let alone my life). If there was anything that the Loreto experience taught me, it was to embrace the parts of my life that I have been so guilty of ignoring over the past twelve months.
By "ignoring" I mean "not giving due attention to" - I am sick of not giving proper attention to the things in my life that give me... (hahaha) joy.
So... I have spent the last three weeks working my 8 hour days; going home when it was time to go home; resting when it was time to rest; spending time with my neice and my boyfriend when it was time to give them my time; cleaning the bathroom and toilet; folding my laundry instead of letting it pile up and making my room look like a disaster zone; washing and vacuuming my car; giving out gifts from overseas; catching up with friends (even though sometimes they aren't always sober when this happens); riding my bike; enjoying the first few talks of the Singles of Christ CLP... doing the things I ENJOY... as opposed to giving every ounce of my energy to a job that neither demands nor deserves that type of sacrifice.
Faith is at its best when it can still exist in the real world - in the midst of real life. (Or... at least that's what I told Jane on Facebook)
The past few days I have struggled with the question: What makes a Christian lifestyle more rewarding than a normal one? Why live the Christian values and suffer being ridiculed or shunned for having these values when their are millions of people who either ignore or don't know of these values and seem to be enjoying their reckless lifestyles? Being a Christian doesn't shield me from being hurt, abused, depressed, broken, in dept or tempted. If anything the challenges become harder... so why choose it? Why live it?
I won't publish tonight's household answers here because I can't be bothered. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, however, because very few people can answer this one. A quarter of my country's population are "Catholics" (this according the latest census) but only a handful will stand up for values in the public sphere.
Is it fear of starting an argument?
Fear of losing the argument?
Fear of having the argument?
Fear of not knowing what to argue?
All of the above really.
Most, if not all, discussions (I prefer to use the euphemism - forgive me) need to be brought out into the light so that more than a handful of Catholics learn how to answer that questions I have been struggling with for the past few days.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
headache. lying on bed thinking why aren't i asleep. anniversaries can make one feel so completely inadequate sometimes. how come so many people got up one day and decided they wanted to get married. three hours of carpet time with Tanya and Dom is funny. all girls always mean "something's wrong" when they say "nothing's wrong". learn to love in the right language damn it! i miss italy. why can't boys be more thoughtful when it comes to planning ahead. parramatta lost the football on sunday - grrrr. bike riding is fun... my thighs got a good work out. at the rate my skin is tanning i will be black before summer even gets here. missing my high school friends. i hate shallow, drunken parties. so over everyone's sex addiction. pasta for lunch. pasta for dinner (might regret that tomorrow when i get to the loo). wish i could go back to the uni life. want to go on holidays with his famz... probably can't afford it. need to pay off my credit card & phone bill. never (and i do mean never) allow yourself a forty minute phone call when in italy... unless you are prepared to go without food and new clothing for at least two months. thinking about moving out but can't afford that either. wanna buy a house with me? sometimes... hugs and flowers don't suffice, and the hurt remains for a few extra days.
Monday, September 17, 2007
the following things are waaaay over-rated
- Working in the city
- Hot girls in skanky skirts
- Guys with the "messy bedroom hair" look.
- Getting mega drunk because they think it's oh-so-cool
Why:
Working in the city means travelling to the city, which usually means at least 2.5 hours of travel time every day... that's 12.5 hours of my week I'll spend sitting in a carriage day dreaming about what other things I could be doing with my life.
Girls who are already pretty shouldn't feel the need to show off their skin or reveal their boobs to whoever is already looking. Get some dignity people!
All those Australian Idol finalists who've spent two hours perfecting the "messy bedroom hair" obviously have no idea why the messy bedroom hair look is appealing. It's meant to look like you just woke up, got out of bed, and are looking sultry. If you look like you've spent two hours grooming yourself but STILL look like a lazy slob, you haven't pulled anything off.
Have some drinks and enjoy the night, but don't get $*%@faced just coz you think it's trendy. People who only like your company when you're off your nut are obviously not the best friends to keep around you.
** And no, I have NOT turned into a 65 year old lady who is angry at the world... I'm just over the crappy trends that are flooding the place just because of ridiculous insecurities.
- Hot girls in skanky skirts
- Guys with the "messy bedroom hair" look.
- Getting mega drunk because they think it's oh-so-cool
Why:
Working in the city means travelling to the city, which usually means at least 2.5 hours of travel time every day... that's 12.5 hours of my week I'll spend sitting in a carriage day dreaming about what other things I could be doing with my life.
Girls who are already pretty shouldn't feel the need to show off their skin or reveal their boobs to whoever is already looking. Get some dignity people!
All those Australian Idol finalists who've spent two hours perfecting the "messy bedroom hair" obviously have no idea why the messy bedroom hair look is appealing. It's meant to look like you just woke up, got out of bed, and are looking sultry. If you look like you've spent two hours grooming yourself but STILL look like a lazy slob, you haven't pulled anything off.
Have some drinks and enjoy the night, but don't get $*%@faced just coz you think it's trendy. People who only like your company when you're off your nut are obviously not the best friends to keep around you.
** And no, I have NOT turned into a 65 year old lady who is angry at the world... I'm just over the crappy trends that are flooding the place just because of ridiculous insecurities.
Friday, September 14, 2007
"For the sake of the joy that lay ahead of him, he endured the cross..." (Hebrews 12:2)
Can't say I'm much into delayed gratification - it's very anti-Generation Y. But this... well... this passage puts things within an entirely new perspective.
So... I'm back at work... and because I can't send 2,000 emails until AFTER office hours, I'm spending an extra half hour... perhaps 45 minutes... at work this Friday evening, "watching my computer screen" as Alexia termed it before leaving.
Thought I'd have a go at multi-tasking and BLOG... because you know, blogging is fun.
It's strange being back from the land of gelati and siestas. I was very excited after receiving my photo of Pope Benedict XVI shaking my hand... it's oh so very exciting seeing photos of him in newspapers and posters and realising that YES, I SPOKE TO HIM, AND YES, HE SMILED AT ME, AND YES HE RESPONDED TO MY LAME INTRODUCTION... hahaha...
I've Facebooked half of trip... realised I didn't take as many photos as I thought I could've, but took a hellavalot of videos (maybe I'll edit and YouTube them) to document the funnier moments (like the time got mauled by Italians in the plane of Montorso because everyone wanted a koala... I honestly can't believe how much Italian's luuurv koalas.)
I am thinking of what I need to achieve next week, and realise I am no where near achieving it, but it's best not to think in such a defeated way. Like... all those videos I'm meant to produce. I'm not convinced that it's in my capabilities... but hey... with God all things are possible right?
Can't say I'm much into delayed gratification - it's very anti-Generation Y. But this... well... this passage puts things within an entirely new perspective.
So... I'm back at work... and because I can't send 2,000 emails until AFTER office hours, I'm spending an extra half hour... perhaps 45 minutes... at work this Friday evening, "watching my computer screen" as Alexia termed it before leaving.
Thought I'd have a go at multi-tasking and BLOG... because you know, blogging is fun.
It's strange being back from the land of gelati and siestas. I was very excited after receiving my photo of Pope Benedict XVI shaking my hand... it's oh so very exciting seeing photos of him in newspapers and posters and realising that YES, I SPOKE TO HIM, AND YES, HE SMILED AT ME, AND YES HE RESPONDED TO MY LAME INTRODUCTION... hahaha...
I've Facebooked half of trip... realised I didn't take as many photos as I thought I could've, but took a hellavalot of videos (maybe I'll edit and YouTube them) to document the funnier moments (like the time got mauled by Italians in the plane of Montorso because everyone wanted a koala... I honestly can't believe how much Italian's luuurv koalas.)
I am thinking of what I need to achieve next week, and realise I am no where near achieving it, but it's best not to think in such a defeated way. Like... all those videos I'm meant to produce. I'm not convinced that it's in my capabilities... but hey... with God all things are possible right?
Friday, September 07, 2007
im stuck in frankfurt airport - and this keyboard is spinning me out. letters are all over the place. sucks being on the other side of the world and realising the plane that was meant to leave at 11.55pm last nyt is now only leaving now... which is about 4pm frankfurt time. i miss everyone and the last 24 hours have been the most testing hours of what has been an amazing but very tiring journey. i love u australia... and cant wait to share with u the greatness i found in italy, but perhaps more importantly, i cant wait to sleep in my own bed!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Italy makes my clothes shrink
Man... I seriously look like I'm in my second trimester of pregnancy. Italian meals are always, at a minimum, 3 courses. As a result, I have major feares about fitting into my maid of honour dress for 9th September.
Not that I'm complaining because I've never truly felt hungry during this entire time of travel ' we get so spoilt, and the food here is AWESOME. Haven't really come across anything that I don't like.
First course of pasta (had an awesome risotto in Siena yesterday), second course of meat and vegetables, then dessert. (Sometimes we get the antipesto first, then the pasta, then dessert - doesnt really matter, it's always great food).
Today I comfortably gobbled up plates of spaghetti, rosemary potatoes, salad, pork, plus a fruit salad, a nectarine, dates (that was all just dinner)... and to top it all off, Fr Christiano (our host in the diocese of Jesi) took us (Cimon,. Matt, Tim, Andrea, Fr T, Luc, Saad, and Mari) on a walk to city centre, where I discovered Italy's YUMMIEST gelati at about 1am.
Now I'm lying in bed, typing this on my phone, legs are tired, Cimon is probably fast asleep...
Bonne Note Italia!
Not that I'm complaining because I've never truly felt hungry during this entire time of travel ' we get so spoilt, and the food here is AWESOME. Haven't really come across anything that I don't like.
First course of pasta (had an awesome risotto in Siena yesterday), second course of meat and vegetables, then dessert. (Sometimes we get the antipesto first, then the pasta, then dessert - doesnt really matter, it's always great food).
Today I comfortably gobbled up plates of spaghetti, rosemary potatoes, salad, pork, plus a fruit salad, a nectarine, dates (that was all just dinner)... and to top it all off, Fr Christiano (our host in the diocese of Jesi) took us (Cimon,. Matt, Tim, Andrea, Fr T, Luc, Saad, and Mari) on a walk to city centre, where I discovered Italy's YUMMIEST gelati at about 1am.
Now I'm lying in bed, typing this on my phone, legs are tired, Cimon is probably fast asleep...
Bonne Note Italia!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
On the Vatican and it's treasures
In the Salesianum (an enormous conference centre just outside Rome). Today the weather cleared, and I woke up at 6am... freshened up, and broke into a sweat well before 8am.
But this morning was spectacular (as all mornings in Italy seem to be). As I got ready for a morning trip to the Vatican I could hear the sisters chanting morning prayers from the chapel in their general house. It was so angelic to hear them sing, and when I joined them for Mass that morning, it was as though I could feel God smiling down on each of his devoted daughters, pleased at their love for him, and the fervence in their prayers.
Because this keyboard is really hard to type on, here are the main points of this day's adventures:
- Special trip into the Vatican via the rear entrance and up to the roof of St Peter's.
- The basilica is almost empty at 8am... whch is a wonderfully refreshing change of atmosphere considering the claustrophobic crowds that converge into the sacred place by 9:30am. To wander around and stare at the walls without bumping into anyone made me feel like the luckiest, and most peaceful person in the world.
- The tomb of JPII is amazing because it is humble, simple, and it is surrounded by such peaceful but uplifting aura that it's as if his spirit lies in the walls surounding his tomb. To kneel in front his resting place and ask for his intercession for all the church's servants, WYD08, and the people I love was incredible.
- Peered into the tomb where St Peter's relics are kept. The man who was given the keys to heaven... All I can say is WOW. And grazie mille x infinity to Sr B & Sr Ewa who are the reason why I was able to go down there.
- Reconciliation in St Peter's Basilica. WOW again. Absolution in the building that opens its doors to thousands of pilgrims everyday? Cleansing for my soul in the home of the Church I love and serve so much?? AMAZING.
- I knelt by the Blessed Sacrament, and one of the first things that came to mind was the intricacy and the grandeur of the tabernacle, the ornate decorations all over the walls, and the paintings that evoked such a deep reverence: all of which paled to the beauty of the humble, simple piece of bread which stood only 2 metres away from my body. God's presence on Earth... the greatest treasure in all of the richness within the Vatican is not in anything material, but on the divine being able to touch the world we live in through a simple piece of bread. Jesus... I miss you.
- Sr B, if you read this... I am praying for you. I love you so much & want you to experience abundant happiness... but I know God our Father wants this even more than you & I put together: and his plans, when revealed, are always proof of this!
Anyone else reading this, please say a prayer for me and all the Australian delegates who venture to the Angora conference in Loreto, Italia, tomorrow.
Much love, Joy
But this morning was spectacular (as all mornings in Italy seem to be). As I got ready for a morning trip to the Vatican I could hear the sisters chanting morning prayers from the chapel in their general house. It was so angelic to hear them sing, and when I joined them for Mass that morning, it was as though I could feel God smiling down on each of his devoted daughters, pleased at their love for him, and the fervence in their prayers.
Because this keyboard is really hard to type on, here are the main points of this day's adventures:
- Special trip into the Vatican via the rear entrance and up to the roof of St Peter's.
- The basilica is almost empty at 8am... whch is a wonderfully refreshing change of atmosphere considering the claustrophobic crowds that converge into the sacred place by 9:30am. To wander around and stare at the walls without bumping into anyone made me feel like the luckiest, and most peaceful person in the world.
- The tomb of JPII is amazing because it is humble, simple, and it is surrounded by such peaceful but uplifting aura that it's as if his spirit lies in the walls surounding his tomb. To kneel in front his resting place and ask for his intercession for all the church's servants, WYD08, and the people I love was incredible.
- Peered into the tomb where St Peter's relics are kept. The man who was given the keys to heaven... All I can say is WOW. And grazie mille x infinity to Sr B & Sr Ewa who are the reason why I was able to go down there.
- Reconciliation in St Peter's Basilica. WOW again. Absolution in the building that opens its doors to thousands of pilgrims everyday? Cleansing for my soul in the home of the Church I love and serve so much?? AMAZING.
- I knelt by the Blessed Sacrament, and one of the first things that came to mind was the intricacy and the grandeur of the tabernacle, the ornate decorations all over the walls, and the paintings that evoked such a deep reverence: all of which paled to the beauty of the humble, simple piece of bread which stood only 2 metres away from my body. God's presence on Earth... the greatest treasure in all of the richness within the Vatican is not in anything material, but on the divine being able to touch the world we live in through a simple piece of bread. Jesus... I miss you.
- Sr B, if you read this... I am praying for you. I love you so much & want you to experience abundant happiness... but I know God our Father wants this even more than you & I put together: and his plans, when revealed, are always proof of this!
Anyone else reading this, please say a prayer for me and all the Australian delegates who venture to the Angora conference in Loreto, Italia, tomorrow.
Much love, Joy
Saturday, August 25, 2007
purchases
- Gold pair of hand-made sandals in Sorrento
- Lots of postcards and Vatican stamps (you should all receive them within a week?)
- New hand-bag (SCORE!)
- Too much gelati
- Pompeii memorabilia
- Vatican treasures for the special ppl
Simple presents... that I hope I can give out to ppl, but figuring out to whom, I have no idea.
The list will grow soon.
- Lots of postcards and Vatican stamps (you should all receive them within a week?)
- New hand-bag (SCORE!)
- Too much gelati
- Pompeii memorabilia
- Vatican treasures for the special ppl
Simple presents... that I hope I can give out to ppl, but figuring out to whom, I have no idea.
The list will grow soon.
Friday, August 24, 2007
On early wake-ups and the South West cities of Italia
really need to pee atm
Again, apologies for Italian keyboard.
Sitting in receptionist's desk in my grey shorts & Thirsty Merc tshirt (yes Jonna)... slightly underdressed since the lobby in this hotel is soooo flash - chandeliers and marble floors, a terrace that overlooks the Mediterranean, giant vases of bright orange flowers and large, comfortable lounges.
My legs are exhausted and I'm already sporting a baby bulge because the last 48 hours have been absolute heaven and my tummy is quite (overly) satisfied.
So where to begin?
Wednesday morning woke up at 4am and already my stomach was demanding lunch (it was 12noon in Sydney). I tried to go back to sleep but ended up getting dressed and heading to the chapel (BEAUTIFUL chapel btw). Sr B and I caught the 75 bus to Via Farini 5... and we arrived about 45min early, but talked about life and other such things... you know how it is.
My insides were going goohey because everyone who turned up for the tour seemed to be with their family, siblings, friends or partners. When I took my solo seat on the bus to Pompeii I appeared to be the only person carrying more than just a backpack... but a beautiful tall, blonde woman sat next to me and I asked her where she was from. When she said she'd just celebrated her 40th birthday I thought she was lying, she really was gorgeous. Stacey, as she explained to me on our 3 hour drive south to Napoli, was a mother of two and lived just outside London.
Naples was a bit of a disappointment because of the weather. A dense blanket of mist had settled over the coastline, and it not only made it extremely humid, it prevented the view of what is meant to be one of Italy's most appreciated vantage points. Grrr...
BUT that didn't stop me from taking happy snaps and checking out the town, which kind of reminded me of Phils in that right next to a brand new pristine block of apartments lies a dilapidated building with half a wall falling off.
The drive through Napoli was interesting... it reminded me of how entertaining and hilarious I found European signage the first time I came here. Take this one for example - which was an enormous billboard that covered half of a 10storey building as you drove into Napoli:
Stacey was a great tour companion, since she was happy to take my stupid photos at every stage of the tour... I realised that if my Dad knew how to speak fluent Italian he'd be a brilliant tour guide, because the man who took us through the ruine reminded me so much of him because he was funny and told good stories.
By the time we finished in Pompeii, my white shoes weren't white anymore, and dust seemed to plaster my body in a similar way to the ash body casts of the people in the city... (ok exag, sorry)
I'll skip ahead now... the tour group left to go back to Rome, farewelled Stacey (but only after getting her Facebook details) and I jumped onto another bus, which was on its way to Sorento... and an Italian woman introduced herself to me... funny coz she kept speaking to me in Italian and God only knows what she was trying to say. I just smiled, nodded, explained multiple times that I was Australian, and only spoke English. By the time we checked into the hotel, she (her name was Anita) had made sure I was meeting her in the lobby at 8pm so we could have dinner together.
I got to my room (a tiny shoe box of a room that smelled a bit funny but is actually really comfortable and the bathroom really nice), I wanted to collapse in my bed... but I jumped into the shower to wash off Pompeii dust.
Forced myself to walk around the grounds with my camera because the lobby had impressed me so much. This hotel btw... is AMAZING. I wasn't expecting to book into a place that was DIRECTLY overlooking the Mediterranean, with the pool right by the ocean, an enormous restaurant dining area... with the most impressive, fattening and gluttenous menu.
On the way down to dinner I bumped into a woman who'd also checked in the same time as I had and she introduced herself (also Anita) and her two sons (Steve and Vance), and the five of us were instant buddies from that moment on.
Again, apologies for Italian keyboard.
Sitting in receptionist's desk in my grey shorts & Thirsty Merc tshirt (yes Jonna)... slightly underdressed since the lobby in this hotel is soooo flash - chandeliers and marble floors, a terrace that overlooks the Mediterranean, giant vases of bright orange flowers and large, comfortable lounges.
My legs are exhausted and I'm already sporting a baby bulge because the last 48 hours have been absolute heaven and my tummy is quite (overly) satisfied.
So where to begin?
Wednesday morning woke up at 4am and already my stomach was demanding lunch (it was 12noon in Sydney). I tried to go back to sleep but ended up getting dressed and heading to the chapel (BEAUTIFUL chapel btw). Sr B and I caught the 75 bus to Via Farini 5... and we arrived about 45min early, but talked about life and other such things... you know how it is.
My insides were going goohey because everyone who turned up for the tour seemed to be with their family, siblings, friends or partners. When I took my solo seat on the bus to Pompeii I appeared to be the only person carrying more than just a backpack... but a beautiful tall, blonde woman sat next to me and I asked her where she was from. When she said she'd just celebrated her 40th birthday I thought she was lying, she really was gorgeous. Stacey, as she explained to me on our 3 hour drive south to Napoli, was a mother of two and lived just outside London.
Naples was a bit of a disappointment because of the weather. A dense blanket of mist had settled over the coastline, and it not only made it extremely humid, it prevented the view of what is meant to be one of Italy's most appreciated vantage points. Grrr...
BUT that didn't stop me from taking happy snaps and checking out the town, which kind of reminded me of Phils in that right next to a brand new pristine block of apartments lies a dilapidated building with half a wall falling off.
The drive through Napoli was interesting... it reminded me of how entertaining and hilarious I found European signage the first time I came here. Take this one for example - which was an enormous billboard that covered half of a 10storey building as you drove into Napoli:
(don't ask me what it advertises because I really don't know)
Eventually we made our way to Pompeii, where Stacey introduced me to her friend Elizabeth (also from the UK, whom she'd met the day before on a walking tour through Rome), and the three of us befriended 3 Canadians, one of which was a (pretty good looking) guy who was doing a PHD in Roman history. He introduced me to his friend (studying English Literature) and his wife (who knows what she was doing, but damn it life can be so unfair... hahaha... JOKING!), and he shared to me about the dream of visiting Pompeii, how we would've loved to see Herculaneum because it was better preserved, and wow... Mt Vesuvius was right there... (sigh)
When we got to the excavations in Pompeii, my heart was pumping so fast I couldn't figure out what was making it difficult to breathe: the excitement of my life-long dream coming true, or the 34 degree heat and humidity.Stacey was a great tour companion, since she was happy to take my stupid photos at every stage of the tour... I realised that if my Dad knew how to speak fluent Italian he'd be a brilliant tour guide, because the man who took us through the ruine reminded me so much of him because he was funny and told good stories.
By the time we finished in Pompeii, my white shoes weren't white anymore, and dust seemed to plaster my body in a similar way to the ash body casts of the people in the city... (ok exag, sorry)
I'll skip ahead now... the tour group left to go back to Rome, farewelled Stacey (but only after getting her Facebook details) and I jumped onto another bus, which was on its way to Sorento... and an Italian woman introduced herself to me... funny coz she kept speaking to me in Italian and God only knows what she was trying to say. I just smiled, nodded, explained multiple times that I was Australian, and only spoke English. By the time we checked into the hotel, she (her name was Anita) had made sure I was meeting her in the lobby at 8pm so we could have dinner together.
I got to my room (a tiny shoe box of a room that smelled a bit funny but is actually really comfortable and the bathroom really nice), I wanted to collapse in my bed... but I jumped into the shower to wash off Pompeii dust.
Forced myself to walk around the grounds with my camera because the lobby had impressed me so much. This hotel btw... is AMAZING. I wasn't expecting to book into a place that was DIRECTLY overlooking the Mediterranean, with the pool right by the ocean, an enormous restaurant dining area... with the most impressive, fattening and gluttenous menu.
On the way down to dinner I bumped into a woman who'd also checked in the same time as I had and she introduced herself (also Anita) and her two sons (Steve and Vance), and the five of us were instant buddies from that moment on.
* * *
This morning we had (a buffet) breakfast together (fresh watermelon, rockmelon, grapes, plums, meats, cheese, croissants, nutella, cappucinos and grapefruit juice) and made our way to the Port of Sorento with a small tour group so we could catch a boat to Capri.At that moment... I fell in love.
The moment the hydrofoil took off and we were cutting through the water in fast speed, I knew I was madly in love with the Med. This is where I'm happiest, and where I know I'm in my element. The sea breeze catching my hair, the ocean spray in my face, the smell of salt, the sun beating down... This entire day has been PARADISE.
We boarded a smaller boat and made our way to the Blue Grotto, and the entire time I leant back and soaked in the sun (yes I've been wearing strapless tops day in and day out), and I am... so ridiculously in love with this entire region... I really don't want to meet the Australian delegates on Saturday. I'd much rather swim in this salt water pool or peer out into the horizon, where the sea meets the mist and mist meets the clouds and the blue, blue sky.
Capri was awesome. It's a little island off the coast of Sorento and the view is divine. Spent the day walking in the little village streets, walking in and out of shops (not buying anything coz I'm poor hahaha), meeting new people (including Japanese couple from New Jersey with two gorgeous lil kids), and I spent an hour swimming in the sea next to a whole heap of gleaming white yachts.
I don't want to leave...
* * *
Wish I'd brought:
- my boyfriend
- more skirts because it's so damn hot!
- a bigger hand bag that fits my journal
- a personal washing machine
Was thinking:
- Bags having honeymoon in the Mediterranean... hahahaa...
- Sorry if I don't bring home any presents, I'm being incredibly selfish during this holiday... and it's just too damn hard to look for nice things that I can afford.
- Wish I had an SLR camera to capture the views... it's been spectacular in this region!!!
- I think some Italian mosquitoes are feasting on my bare legs... better return to my room soon
- Steve and Vance are cute: wish I had brothers like 'em.
- As I dove into the ocean I wished Ryan was there coz he enjoys the beach and would make me swim out to sea even when I'm scared.
Funny moments:
- Met a French couple... the guy is everything a archetypical French man would be: tall, muscular, hairy, loved taking his shirt off... and loved making out with his woman (especially in the hotel pool... hahahaha...whenever their lips weren't touching, I'm sure whatever was under the water was making up for it)
- Yesterday I had 3 glasses of wine which left me walking around the terrace haphazardly
- Italy has no sand on their beaches. Instead there is just rocks... hard to navigate through the rocks... ouch ouch ouch...
- Pompeii was a kinky place. Found an engraving of a penis on the pavement... and the penis pointed to the direction of the brothel. When in Italy... hahaha...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
On flights, and things i forgot
Buona sera amici!
(Don't know if that's right, and pardon for the lack of punctuation in this email, but this italian keyboard is seriously spinning me out!)
So... I'm in the computer room in the General House of the PDDM Sisters (praise God for sister Bernadette who got a blister running to the airport to meet me this morning so i didn't have to catch the train & bus to her place alone). So far, my main concerns (i.e. not being able survive my flight, losing my luggage on the transit from Frankfurt - Rome, not knowing how to get from Fiumicini airport to the place I'm staying) have all been ironed out, thanks to God's handywork.
The flight wasnt too bad - found myself at window seat (thanks for the tip Eddoes) next to a German couple flying back to Berlin. They'd spent a month in Australia so they were really nice to me and didn't mind me climbing over them for my random toilet visits during the 22 hours to Frankfurt.
We all got ridiculously frustrated when, on the first leg of the flight, the whole Qantas entertainment system went down (i.e. no movies no music), so thank God i had music uploaded on my phone (yes it was on flight mode).
Experienced a bit of turbulance here and there (made sure I skulled down any drinks that were on my pull-down tray every time the seatbelt sign started flashing), but all in all a safe trip, lots of eating, lots of (uncomfortable) sleeping... and when the entertainment system was back up i was thoroughly impressed when they had JT's "Future Sex Love Sounds", Panic at the Disco and Eskimo Joe albums uploaded. Also managed to watch half of "Sunshine" and a few episodes of "Chaser's WAR on Everything", "Family Guy", and "House".
Frankfurt airport was funny (the whole hour i spent there) - funny coz I found a magazine called "JOY" in one of the newsagents, and on the next shelf a magazine called "SCHMUCK" ... and then a whole shelf full of oversized sausages next to bags with the labels "WORLD OF NUTS". Gotta love those Germans.
The moment I walked off my Lufthansa Air flight I knew it was Summer. Walking out of the airport and straight to the station, I was greeted with hot, humid Italian air, the scent that reminds me so nostaligically of the first trip here 2 years ago, Christmas, and cute European guys who leave a nice scent of aftershave in their wake as they brush past you in the crowds.
It's been amazing... Summer is thriving (quiet though, because everyone in Rome is on holidays to escape this ridiculous heat), but I love that the air is still hot when I went for a walk with Sr Bernadette this evening...
(Jonna im sorry but i might return on your wedding day covered in mosquito bites - i forgot about insect repellant.)
I love:
- that its Summer!
- the PDDM sisters I'm staying with are so beautiful in their crisp white accents. Sr B introduces me as Gioia (pronounced Joy-ah), because that's Italian for Joy. They speak to me in rich, thick Italian and astound me with the speed of their conversations. Hearing Sr B speak fluent Italian is also a spin-out. Really cool too though!
- the bus trip to their house took me past the Colloseum, the Roman Fora, about ten different ancient monuments, and it was a flashback to our 2day race around Rome in 2005, which makes my insides tingle. I miss Eddoes, Nez and EJ who were always so funny everytime we found a new monument to climb or take snaps with.
- the fruit is tasty and fresh. Already I've feasted on plums, red pears and juicy watermelon... and it's only day 1! Ah yes... the Summer fruits...
- just around every corner in this city there is something awesome to look at. Tonight after my 3 hour nap and a delicious dinner, Sr B and I walked up to a fountain, that also had a panoramic view of Rome at dusk. Talk about breathtaking!
Wish I'd brought:
- An English-Italian dictionary (or a personal interpreter... too bad I can't take Sr B around with me everywhere I go... I just look at her blankly when anyone starts talking - she's an angel and saint-in-the-making I tell you!)
- More shorts
- A different pair of sandals (these black ones aren't gonna survive the next 3 days, i can tell)
Next on the agenda:
Tomorrow morning i leave at 6am for a 3day tour to Naples, Pompeii, Capri and Sorento. Pray that this tour company ain't just an Internet scam, that I survive the next 3 days flying solo on the West Coast, and that I don't lose all my money... because there's really none left.
Buono notte Australia!
(Don't know if that's right, and pardon for the lack of punctuation in this email, but this italian keyboard is seriously spinning me out!)
So... I'm in the computer room in the General House of the PDDM Sisters (praise God for sister Bernadette who got a blister running to the airport to meet me this morning so i didn't have to catch the train & bus to her place alone). So far, my main concerns (i.e. not being able survive my flight, losing my luggage on the transit from Frankfurt - Rome, not knowing how to get from Fiumicini airport to the place I'm staying) have all been ironed out, thanks to God's handywork.
The flight wasnt too bad - found myself at window seat (thanks for the tip Eddoes) next to a German couple flying back to Berlin. They'd spent a month in Australia so they were really nice to me and didn't mind me climbing over them for my random toilet visits during the 22 hours to Frankfurt.
We all got ridiculously frustrated when, on the first leg of the flight, the whole Qantas entertainment system went down (i.e. no movies no music), so thank God i had music uploaded on my phone (yes it was on flight mode).
Experienced a bit of turbulance here and there (made sure I skulled down any drinks that were on my pull-down tray every time the seatbelt sign started flashing), but all in all a safe trip, lots of eating, lots of (uncomfortable) sleeping... and when the entertainment system was back up i was thoroughly impressed when they had JT's "Future Sex Love Sounds", Panic at the Disco and Eskimo Joe albums uploaded. Also managed to watch half of "Sunshine" and a few episodes of "Chaser's WAR on Everything", "Family Guy", and "House".
Frankfurt airport was funny (the whole hour i spent there) - funny coz I found a magazine called "JOY" in one of the newsagents, and on the next shelf a magazine called "SCHMUCK" ... and then a whole shelf full of oversized sausages next to bags with the labels "WORLD OF NUTS". Gotta love those Germans.
The moment I walked off my Lufthansa Air flight I knew it was Summer. Walking out of the airport and straight to the station, I was greeted with hot, humid Italian air, the scent that reminds me so nostaligically of the first trip here 2 years ago, Christmas, and cute European guys who leave a nice scent of aftershave in their wake as they brush past you in the crowds.
It's been amazing... Summer is thriving (quiet though, because everyone in Rome is on holidays to escape this ridiculous heat), but I love that the air is still hot when I went for a walk with Sr Bernadette this evening...
(Jonna im sorry but i might return on your wedding day covered in mosquito bites - i forgot about insect repellant.)
I love:
- that its Summer!
- the PDDM sisters I'm staying with are so beautiful in their crisp white accents. Sr B introduces me as Gioia (pronounced Joy-ah), because that's Italian for Joy. They speak to me in rich, thick Italian and astound me with the speed of their conversations. Hearing Sr B speak fluent Italian is also a spin-out. Really cool too though!
- the bus trip to their house took me past the Colloseum, the Roman Fora, about ten different ancient monuments, and it was a flashback to our 2day race around Rome in 2005, which makes my insides tingle. I miss Eddoes, Nez and EJ who were always so funny everytime we found a new monument to climb or take snaps with.
- the fruit is tasty and fresh. Already I've feasted on plums, red pears and juicy watermelon... and it's only day 1! Ah yes... the Summer fruits...
- just around every corner in this city there is something awesome to look at. Tonight after my 3 hour nap and a delicious dinner, Sr B and I walked up to a fountain, that also had a panoramic view of Rome at dusk. Talk about breathtaking!
Wish I'd brought:
- An English-Italian dictionary (or a personal interpreter... too bad I can't take Sr B around with me everywhere I go... I just look at her blankly when anyone starts talking - she's an angel and saint-in-the-making I tell you!)
- More shorts
- A different pair of sandals (these black ones aren't gonna survive the next 3 days, i can tell)
Next on the agenda:
Tomorrow morning i leave at 6am for a 3day tour to Naples, Pompeii, Capri and Sorento. Pray that this tour company ain't just an Internet scam, that I survive the next 3 days flying solo on the West Coast, and that I don't lose all my money... because there's really none left.
Buono notte Australia!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
the time to buy tomatoes
Listening to: Clothes Off by Gym Class Heroes
Reading: MTV Italy - Go See Play
Wearing: Macquarie Uni hoodie, grey trackies
Body is: Weighing about 5kg less than usual. I don't know if my final bridesmaid's dress fitting this Sunday will do justice to what is usually slightly larger than a stick of a figure. I blame it on the stress.. and while some of you might resent the fact I can lose that weight in the a span of 4 days without a ridiculous lemon-detox diet or some other fad, I hate it. Unlike most girls, I actually get a complex about weighing too little as opposed to looking too fat. Guess I'll have to wait til I get to Napoli and stuff my face in the home-town of truly Italian pizza - I won't be stressed then.
Hmmm.. body is also freshly showered (unusual since it's around midnight), smelling like Dove moisturiser... toes are hurting from Sunday's City 2 Surf (bad choice to wear old runners which were half a size too small), nails are trimmed, and hair ready for a cut tomorrow...
Mind is: calmer, especially after delegating all my unfinished work and leaving the office at 6:50pm. It was pretty creepy being the last person in the Terrace Suites (unusual feeling, since the Operations Team is usually pulling overtime). At least now all I have to worry about is making sure tomorrow's hen's night makes Jonna feel incredibly special, that everyone has a great time, finding something to wear to dinner tomorrow night, that I don't forget to pack anything when I finally get around to it on Sunday, that everything fits into my borrowed suitcase, that I don't get a bad tan-line on my European adventure (bridesmaids dress is strapless), that the instructions I left for Vincent are clear, that my boyfriend doesn't fall asleep at the wheel on the way to tomorrow's 5am fishing trip, that my parents don't get the shits with me for not spending any time with them before I fly off on Monday, and that I survive 4 days on my own on the other side of the world.
I think people forget my trip to Italy (which begins on Monday) is a business trip. The first 4 days of my stay are purely personal (hence why I made sure I booked in a visit to Pompeii and Capri)... but the remaining 14 are WYD related, hence, classified as work.
What worries me most (and I know this is ridiculous, since worry gets you NO WHERE), is that when I get back at 6am on Friday 7th September, not only will I be met with APEC level security at Sydney airport, I'll get back to my place, snooze for a few hours, go to Jonna's wedding rehearsal & dinner, spend the next day preparing for her wedding, celebrate with all the sparks, excitement, euphoria, joy and pride that comes with watching one of your closest mates get married... and hit the desk at work 9am on Monday 10th. Talk about being wrecked.
I asked Edwin what I should try to dream about tonight, and he phrased my deepest, sincerest wish so innocently and perfectly: "Dream about not having to do anything... no to-do lists, no places to go, nothing to worry about... just you, me, and no work." Haha... poor guy. He's feeling the pressure at work too. Nice to know he can empathise when I say, "After one problem gets sorted, another one just comes before I get to breathe!" I.T. support... nerdy but admirable.
It kinda gets depressing when the realist in me figures the only time this dream of having nothing to do next will happen is after we retire (sorry Joy, wait another 45 years minimum for that one to come true)...
Last night brought my count of emotional break-downs within one week to a record-breaking 4. My dad had sent me to mail a few letters and buy tomatoes at 10pm and I drove to Edwin's to pick up his suitcase and spent about an hour sobbing and muttering incoherent gibberish because my brain hurt, snot was coming out my nose, and my face was smushed with tears. I had to stop and laugh while he was praying over me, when he said "Lord, please help Joy's brain stop hurting. She needs it..." Oh God love the guy... he didn't even mean to be stupid OR funny.
The third emotional break-down was in the car after Wednesday's meeting, when I felt completely useless, incompetent, and angry. One of my pet hates is not being listened to. It's such a degrading insult when someone talks over you, interrupts you when you're sharing an idea or your struggles, or just decides that whatever words you may have spoken don't deserve any response (except maybe a huff, or a look of incredulity... is that a word?)
The second was a few minutes before the City2Surf started and I decided I was completely unequipped for the 14km run I'd so eagerly signed myself up for. As I stood in the middle of the crowd of 60,000 runners/joggers/walkers and waited for the race to begin, I had the overwhelming desire to be at home, in bed, and NOT pushing my body to endure 3 hours of exercise when I hadn't done a single 30min set of ANYTHING in 6 months.
The first was Friday evening, after a gloriously sunny Winter day of filming in Sydney CBD.... during which I was exhausted, raggy, cramping, and I'd lost a very important piece of a brand new, expensive HDV broadcast camera AND my Nokia headphones. When I got home, Caitlyn lovingly greeted me with a nappy full of smelly poo (which I happily changed because I love her, and her hugs totally make up for her smelly nappies), collapsed on my bedroom floor and cried.
Crying has been a regular habit for me (maybe that's how I've lost weight? Hahahahaha....) I have yet to find a cure for what seems to be an endless cycle of tasks and resentment for the people who add things onto the end of my task list. It gets really depressing when I start wondering if this is what life is really about.
My soul is broken and I can tell, because there was a time when I NEVER would have wondered if life is such a tiring tragedy. I'm hoping with all my heart that this 18 day stint in rich, Catholic Italia will somehow awaken my senses to something much more inspiring, exciting... and... well... joyful.
Precisely two years ago I was in Cologne, Germany. It was the most exhausting and trying week of our 3.5 weeks in Europe, but by far the most fruitful in terms of faith. And just as silver must endure the hottest flame, I too know that this darkness just means I'm in the process of refinement. (grrr)
Reading: MTV Italy - Go See Play
Wearing: Macquarie Uni hoodie, grey trackies
Body is: Weighing about 5kg less than usual. I don't know if my final bridesmaid's dress fitting this Sunday will do justice to what is usually slightly larger than a stick of a figure. I blame it on the stress.. and while some of you might resent the fact I can lose that weight in the a span of 4 days without a ridiculous lemon-detox diet or some other fad, I hate it. Unlike most girls, I actually get a complex about weighing too little as opposed to looking too fat. Guess I'll have to wait til I get to Napoli and stuff my face in the home-town of truly Italian pizza - I won't be stressed then.
Hmmm.. body is also freshly showered (unusual since it's around midnight), smelling like Dove moisturiser... toes are hurting from Sunday's City 2 Surf (bad choice to wear old runners which were half a size too small), nails are trimmed, and hair ready for a cut tomorrow...
Mind is: calmer, especially after delegating all my unfinished work and leaving the office at 6:50pm. It was pretty creepy being the last person in the Terrace Suites (unusual feeling, since the Operations Team is usually pulling overtime). At least now all I have to worry about is making sure tomorrow's hen's night makes Jonna feel incredibly special, that everyone has a great time, finding something to wear to dinner tomorrow night, that I don't forget to pack anything when I finally get around to it on Sunday, that everything fits into my borrowed suitcase, that I don't get a bad tan-line on my European adventure (bridesmaids dress is strapless), that the instructions I left for Vincent are clear, that my boyfriend doesn't fall asleep at the wheel on the way to tomorrow's 5am fishing trip, that my parents don't get the shits with me for not spending any time with them before I fly off on Monday, and that I survive 4 days on my own on the other side of the world.
I think people forget my trip to Italy (which begins on Monday) is a business trip. The first 4 days of my stay are purely personal (hence why I made sure I booked in a visit to Pompeii and Capri)... but the remaining 14 are WYD related, hence, classified as work.
What worries me most (and I know this is ridiculous, since worry gets you NO WHERE), is that when I get back at 6am on Friday 7th September, not only will I be met with APEC level security at Sydney airport, I'll get back to my place, snooze for a few hours, go to Jonna's wedding rehearsal & dinner, spend the next day preparing for her wedding, celebrate with all the sparks, excitement, euphoria, joy and pride that comes with watching one of your closest mates get married... and hit the desk at work 9am on Monday 10th. Talk about being wrecked.
I asked Edwin what I should try to dream about tonight, and he phrased my deepest, sincerest wish so innocently and perfectly: "Dream about not having to do anything... no to-do lists, no places to go, nothing to worry about... just you, me, and no work." Haha... poor guy. He's feeling the pressure at work too. Nice to know he can empathise when I say, "After one problem gets sorted, another one just comes before I get to breathe!" I.T. support... nerdy but admirable.
It kinda gets depressing when the realist in me figures the only time this dream of having nothing to do next will happen is after we retire (sorry Joy, wait another 45 years minimum for that one to come true)...
Last night brought my count of emotional break-downs within one week to a record-breaking 4. My dad had sent me to mail a few letters and buy tomatoes at 10pm and I drove to Edwin's to pick up his suitcase and spent about an hour sobbing and muttering incoherent gibberish because my brain hurt, snot was coming out my nose, and my face was smushed with tears. I had to stop and laugh while he was praying over me, when he said "Lord, please help Joy's brain stop hurting. She needs it..." Oh God love the guy... he didn't even mean to be stupid OR funny.
The third emotional break-down was in the car after Wednesday's meeting, when I felt completely useless, incompetent, and angry. One of my pet hates is not being listened to. It's such a degrading insult when someone talks over you, interrupts you when you're sharing an idea or your struggles, or just decides that whatever words you may have spoken don't deserve any response (except maybe a huff, or a look of incredulity... is that a word?)
The second was a few minutes before the City2Surf started and I decided I was completely unequipped for the 14km run I'd so eagerly signed myself up for. As I stood in the middle of the crowd of 60,000 runners/joggers/walkers and waited for the race to begin, I had the overwhelming desire to be at home, in bed, and NOT pushing my body to endure 3 hours of exercise when I hadn't done a single 30min set of ANYTHING in 6 months.
The first was Friday evening, after a gloriously sunny Winter day of filming in Sydney CBD.... during which I was exhausted, raggy, cramping, and I'd lost a very important piece of a brand new, expensive HDV broadcast camera AND my Nokia headphones. When I got home, Caitlyn lovingly greeted me with a nappy full of smelly poo (which I happily changed because I love her, and her hugs totally make up for her smelly nappies), collapsed on my bedroom floor and cried.
Crying has been a regular habit for me (maybe that's how I've lost weight? Hahahahaha....) I have yet to find a cure for what seems to be an endless cycle of tasks and resentment for the people who add things onto the end of my task list. It gets really depressing when I start wondering if this is what life is really about.
My soul is broken and I can tell, because there was a time when I NEVER would have wondered if life is such a tiring tragedy. I'm hoping with all my heart that this 18 day stint in rich, Catholic Italia will somehow awaken my senses to something much more inspiring, exciting... and... well... joyful.
Precisely two years ago I was in Cologne, Germany. It was the most exhausting and trying week of our 3.5 weeks in Europe, but by far the most fruitful in terms of faith. And just as silver must endure the hottest flame, I too know that this darkness just means I'm in the process of refinement. (grrr)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
breaking out of quarantine
Finally! I'm up to the final two capsules of Codral.
It's been a pretty feral seven days - in bed with three blankets, knee-high socks, and about five layers of clothing. On the first three days, the stupid virus had me in a beanie, fingerless gloves and a scarf.
Two boxes of Kleenex and a sandpaper-dry nose later, I think I might be ready to face the world again. Work tomorrow... 9am sharp. Yeehah!
I'll admit the good thing about being sick is having an excuse to do absolutely nothing... which is pretty much what I did during my five days of sick leave. A strange pandemic hit my household... everyone was walking around coughing their lungs out, and I probably juiced about 30 oranges (no exaggeration).
Right now (this is gonna sound really weird), I'm listening to Regurgitator. Yeah, remember those guys? Back in the 90s. I made a mix CD of old-school music last year and it's currently spinning tracks like "Wouldn't It Be Nice" (Beach Boys), "Peaches" (Presidents of the USA), "Boom boom boom boom" (Vengaboys), and "How Bizarre" (OMC).
"How Bizarre" is definitely one of those feel-good songs - no matter where or when I hear it, it'll make me laugh. That and singing "my heart goes shalalalala..." and Breakfast at Tiffany's while I dance around in my room in my undies. *blush* Ehp... I seriously need to get outta here.
I managed to get through a record number of DVDs this week... 50 First Dates, Hitch, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Tranformers Generation 1 - 1.2, and (hanging head in shame here), a few episodes of season 1 of Beverly Hills 90210. Hahaha... that's what happens when I'm the youngest of 5 girls.
Edwin got me out of the house yesterday to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix with Nereus, Jason and Carl (a strange reminder that I haven't seen Sarah in ages, and may be in need of estrogen-filled company).
I feel somewhat refreshed after this week... even though much of it felt like hell (try waking up at 4am for five days straight and throwing up a heap of phlegm for about 2 hours straight).
I hope I don't forget last night... two mugs of hot soup, a bag full of bagel crisps, and an understanding friend, joking around, and allowing me to see the brighter side of life. Prior to this polaroid moment, I'd been blowing snot into tissue after tissue, with tears streaming down my face - feeling extremely worthless and like my life was falling apart. It's nice having a person who lives up the road who knows how to stitch me up again after my fear makes me burst at the seams. Plus he made me soup.
So... we're gonna start reading the Bible again. We attempted this during Lent this year, but gave up because our phonecalls got really late and we got lazy... but hopefully we'll keep at it this time...
Having said that it's past 11pm and as I said... I've got work tomorrow.
A make-me-smile-list for the past 7days:
- Doctor gave me an extra two days off after I told him about my vomit experience.
- Got to see Caitlyn at church today after a whole week of absense. Her fatness makes her hugs the best hugs ever!
- Tenderheart CareBear tshirt
- Dr Annabelle says I can have chocolate any time - doesn't matter if I'm sick. :)
- Choc-chip cookies + Milo on the couch while watching Fantastic 4.
- Hugs
- Hot soup
- My Dad likes it when I make fresh orange & apple juice
- Harry Potter book 7 is finally out! Yay!
- 4 weeks until Italy baby!!
- Read the book I made Edwin for his birthday last year... which reminded me of many happy moments.. and all the ones we have yet to experience
- Hand-me-downs from sisters = new clothes that I don't have to pay for. Yeah!
- I can smile without it hurting now!
- Things to look forward to: Jonna's wedding, Italy, Love talk @ Discovery Camp on Saturday, life in general... tomorrow! Yay!
It's been a pretty feral seven days - in bed with three blankets, knee-high socks, and about five layers of clothing. On the first three days, the stupid virus had me in a beanie, fingerless gloves and a scarf.
Two boxes of Kleenex and a sandpaper-dry nose later, I think I might be ready to face the world again. Work tomorrow... 9am sharp. Yeehah!
I'll admit the good thing about being sick is having an excuse to do absolutely nothing... which is pretty much what I did during my five days of sick leave. A strange pandemic hit my household... everyone was walking around coughing their lungs out, and I probably juiced about 30 oranges (no exaggeration).
Right now (this is gonna sound really weird), I'm listening to Regurgitator. Yeah, remember those guys? Back in the 90s. I made a mix CD of old-school music last year and it's currently spinning tracks like "Wouldn't It Be Nice" (Beach Boys), "Peaches" (Presidents of the USA), "Boom boom boom boom" (Vengaboys), and "How Bizarre" (OMC).
"How Bizarre" is definitely one of those feel-good songs - no matter where or when I hear it, it'll make me laugh. That and singing "my heart goes shalalalala..." and Breakfast at Tiffany's while I dance around in my room in my undies. *blush* Ehp... I seriously need to get outta here.
I managed to get through a record number of DVDs this week... 50 First Dates, Hitch, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Tranformers Generation 1 - 1.2, and (hanging head in shame here), a few episodes of season 1 of Beverly Hills 90210. Hahaha... that's what happens when I'm the youngest of 5 girls.
Edwin got me out of the house yesterday to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix with Nereus, Jason and Carl (a strange reminder that I haven't seen Sarah in ages, and may be in need of estrogen-filled company).
I feel somewhat refreshed after this week... even though much of it felt like hell (try waking up at 4am for five days straight and throwing up a heap of phlegm for about 2 hours straight).
I hope I don't forget last night... two mugs of hot soup, a bag full of bagel crisps, and an understanding friend, joking around, and allowing me to see the brighter side of life. Prior to this polaroid moment, I'd been blowing snot into tissue after tissue, with tears streaming down my face - feeling extremely worthless and like my life was falling apart. It's nice having a person who lives up the road who knows how to stitch me up again after my fear makes me burst at the seams. Plus he made me soup.
So... we're gonna start reading the Bible again. We attempted this during Lent this year, but gave up because our phonecalls got really late and we got lazy... but hopefully we'll keep at it this time...
Having said that it's past 11pm and as I said... I've got work tomorrow.
A make-me-smile-list for the past 7days:
- Doctor gave me an extra two days off after I told him about my vomit experience.
- Got to see Caitlyn at church today after a whole week of absense. Her fatness makes her hugs the best hugs ever!
- Tenderheart CareBear tshirt
- Dr Annabelle says I can have chocolate any time - doesn't matter if I'm sick. :)
- Choc-chip cookies + Milo on the couch while watching Fantastic 4.
- Hugs
- Hot soup
- My Dad likes it when I make fresh orange & apple juice
- Harry Potter book 7 is finally out! Yay!
- 4 weeks until Italy baby!!
- Read the book I made Edwin for his birthday last year... which reminded me of many happy moments.. and all the ones we have yet to experience
- Hand-me-downs from sisters = new clothes that I don't have to pay for. Yeah!
- I can smile without it hurting now!
- Things to look forward to: Jonna's wedding, Italy, Love talk @ Discovery Camp on Saturday, life in general... tomorrow! Yay!
Friday, July 20, 2007
July 1 - 8 in pictures
July 1: Started off with an early morning for Eddoes and I... driving into the chill towards Clovelly where we had breakfast @ Vincent's place (he does a good bacon & eggs... mmm...)
We drove towards Domestic airport, and found our way to the Qantas Hangar, where the NZ delegates did a touching hand-over to the Australian youth representatives. There, a number of Bishops and civil dignitaries made some moving comments about the meaning of the WYD Cross & Icon, and the excitement of its journey throughout the country in the lead up to WYD. To view one of the few moments where the PM John Howard has inspired me, click here: http://www.saltandlighttv.org/prog_special_wyd_2008_special_video.htmlAs the above link tells you, eventually the Cross made its way from the airport, to North Sydney, then across the Harbour Bridge where it was met by thousands of people at Darling Harbour.
But the next few pics were some of the highlights of the week in Sydney Archdiocese:
July 2: Cabramatta. I got to the parish at 8am (late, since the event had started at 7am) and had to slow down when I saw this mother of a truck, which Van's family had made to transport the Cross & Icon around the Western deanery. Talk about dedicated!
Eventually the Cross made it's way to the different parishes, carried by different people. I didn't talk pictures on the day it was at Haberfield - but I'll always remember walking through the streets towards Leichhardt... it was awesome!
July 5: Earlwood parish was also really moving. Bishop Cremin has a cool sense of humour... and began Mass by greeting everyone in their native tongue. When it came time for the creed, I was pretty much in tears, because for the first time in a long time, I heard a church packed with people who were clearly, proudly and unashamedly professing their faith. It was a rare moment... and a moving one at that!
July 6: The Cross & Icon made its way through Sydney CBD. The sky was a brilliant blue, the girls singing at Botanical Gardens while people Venerated gave me goosebumps they were that good. All in all it was a pretty amazing day, with lots of friends:
(I've gotta give John & his sister Kiara some credit here: they faithfully followed the Cross & Icon around from about 8am that Friday as it made its way through Central Stn, Town Hall, the Polding Centre, Marting Place... they had their well-deserved Max Brennar chocolate at DJs not long after lunch. Good on ya guys!!)
July 7: WYD Cross & Icon makes its way to Bondi Beach. This was definitely a highlight for Edwin & I (both lovers of the beach) who, after a massive sugar dose at one of Bondi's nice lil' cafes, got to Venerate the Cross before Mass as the sun was setting. It was a beautiful sight to see...
July 8: The flag-bearers. After the entertaining 45minute drive in the back-seat of Nez's Nissan (with Dom & Suarez... hmmm), we eventually boarded the 1:30 ferry to Manly:
This was pretty amazing - the police escorted the ferry along the waters towards Manly, where we were greeted with over 600 delegates from Broken Bay.
Despite the weather, it was a pretty amazing day. All in all... just.. wow.
Monday, July 16, 2007
congested, unshowered, smelly, queezy, and wishing that Winter would be over already!
I keep logging onto my Blogger account and only get as far as the Dashboard... I never end up writing anything... because there really isn't much to write about these days. What, apart from work, there's not much happening in the life of joy (I could write about my relationship with Eddoes, but seeing as we're both somewhat keen to keep our personal lives personal, than I'll endeavour to keep as much of what goes on between us... between us).
I realised though, that it's been almost a month since my last entry, and that's pretty shocking for a girl like me, who has spent the majority of her 22 years of existence writing...
How did 4 weeks of my life slip by and I not register what was going on??
Hmmm... let's back track.
June 20 - after retrieving my handbag from the Bishop's PA (Bishop Anthony wasn't keen on actually walking around the building with a woman's black leather handbag in tow), I managed to get life in the office back on track.
As life usually goes after most WYDSAC meetings, more work appeared on my to-do list, but this month, it seemed less apparent to me what the point of all my work was.
So... came the next ten days of making sure every parish, community, group, movement, leader, and youth organisation that operates under the geographical parameters otherwise known as the Sydney Archdiocese was well aware that the WYD Cross & Icon were about to arrive in Sydney.
I shall digress for moment and report that on June 22:
I woke up at a God-forsaken early hour to drive a mate to the airport so he could fly to New Zealand for a SFC conference - a drive where I discovered to my dismay, that the friend I'd once thought would always be my friend.. could easily abandon our friendship for the safer shores of "closed-off and intraverted acquaintance." I pondered about our 9 year friendship after leaving him at the departure terminal, where he'd clearly rejected my offer to hang out for breakfast until his plane departed, wondering as I drove into the city why it hurt so much that I couldn't explain to him the status of my life, my heart, my mind.. when it had once been so easy years and years ago. Or perhaps the real issue was trying to figure out what hurt more: the fact that I can't articulate myself as clearly as I used to, or that he didn't want to try and understand my gibberish anymore because it's safer that way...
Eventually the day drifted into more phone calls, emails, more website updates, mail-outs... until I left the office to hang out with Jonna at VAIG photography studios. What I don't understand is why people would shell out over $1000 for hot photos of themselves. I'll admit that the photos we were presented looked pretty stunning (I envy Jonna for being photogenic - it's not a quality I possess); and if they cost $10 each, I'd purchase all of them in a snap... but $200 for ONE 6x4 inch print of myself in my own clothes, in simple make-up, and a bit of fancy-shmancy lighting? PAH-LEASE.
When the manager finally knocked it down to $89 a print, I bought two (one of me and one of Jonna) for a keepsake of the hilarious night we spent with our down-to-earth photographer, who made us do funny poses against dimly lit walls, on kitchen bench tops, or poised against a painted backdrop.
I drove back to the city after signing off another addition on my credit card bill, and joined Amardeep and an entire flock of first year med students at a Spanish restaurant on Liverpool St. Talk about feeling overwhelmed! For the first time in my life, I witnessed a complete make-over in less than two minutes. The once timid, don't-you-ever-make-me-speak-in-public high school friend of mine, eternally confined to follow dos and don'ts from obsessively over-protective parents had donned a gorgeous dress, done up her hair, was wearing make-up, and laughing the night away at a table full of extraverted friends (who bought her an awesome dinner and really yummy cake).
We made our way to Burdekin bar for a few hours of dancing, drinking.. and all that jazz. Took the DJ about an hour to realise that people react best to songs that they actually know... and when Marvin managed to score me a couple of free drinks, life wasn't so bad by 9pm.
Eventually, the exhaustion began to feel heavy on the eyelids, and I was pretty much over Heineken beer. That and I was feeling somewhat guilty for enjoying myself so much dancing with people I'd just met... while my faithful boyfriend was at home, wondering if I'd really have the guts to get pissed and catch a cab home.
Lucky I didn't... because I got back to my car and found it tragically damaged by a bastard who probably hit it while trying to park, and decided they didn't have the integrity to leave me a note. (Marvin just laughed when he realised how crest-fallen I looked... luckily... because I would've probably broken something in anger had he not been so light-hearted about it)
So... the next couple of days I spent trying to find out whether or not my beautiful silver Corolla had comprehensive car insurance (much to my comfort, it does)...
Today I finally dropped it off at the repairers; which means I have no car for a week. :(
In between today and the day my car was hit, the following things have happened:
- Edwin and I celebrated the 6-month mark by devouring pots of all-you-can-eat muscles at King St Wharf;
- Amardeep and I did the girly thing of sitting on her bed pouring out the type of thoughts and verbal nonsence about issues that only girls can cry/whince/ponder/get pissed over;
- I realised, on the final page of my yellow journal, just how difficult the past year and a half has been for me....
- I started a fresh new journal the day the WYD Cross & Icon arrived in Sydney...
- John Howard give the first speech to ever make my eyes water with tears of inspiration and joy (who would've thought it possible?! Made sure Edwin & I grabbed a photo with him to make sure we'd remember the rare moment forever)
- A crowd of over 8,000 people gathered at Darling Harbour to welcome the WYD Cross & Icon into Sydney
- Guy Sebastian & Paulini sung the WYD08 theme song in front of those 8,000 people
- I followed the Cross & Icon across the Archdiocese of Sydney for 8 days...
- Nereus drove Luke, Suarez, Dom & I to the Circular Quay, where we were joined by Edwin and many other faithful Cross groupies, who accompanied the Cross & Icon onto a ferry, then sailed it over to Manly, where 600 people were waiting at the wharf to welcome it into the Broken Bay Diocese (wow)
- I stuffed my face with pancakes, smothered with ice cream, chocolate sauce, bananas and walnuts after what felt like the most amazing week in Sydney...
- I tried to teach Caitlyn how to play drums, watched her tap-dance on my living room tiles, fell asleep next to her a few times, laughed at her sillyness and let her play with my facial features with her tiny little hands...
- I did the most nerve-racking (and most unprepared for) testimony in front of about 1000 people at my local parish last night... (yikes) about how WYD affected me and why I'm so excited... I still regret talking so fast, mumbling so many times, saying "Umm..." a gazillion times and not wrapping up effectively. Oh well... life goes on I guess.
- I slept and slept and slept and woke up with a congested nose, an aching head, and lots of tissues in my bin...
- I fell in love with my boyfriend again... who gives me hugs, plays guitar for me, and washes the dishes when I'm sick.
- I blogged half a novel about 4 weeks of my life... with no pictures. Ha. (They'll come later.)
I realised though, that it's been almost a month since my last entry, and that's pretty shocking for a girl like me, who has spent the majority of her 22 years of existence writing...
How did 4 weeks of my life slip by and I not register what was going on??
Hmmm... let's back track.
June 20 - after retrieving my handbag from the Bishop's PA (Bishop Anthony wasn't keen on actually walking around the building with a woman's black leather handbag in tow), I managed to get life in the office back on track.
As life usually goes after most WYDSAC meetings, more work appeared on my to-do list, but this month, it seemed less apparent to me what the point of all my work was.
So... came the next ten days of making sure every parish, community, group, movement, leader, and youth organisation that operates under the geographical parameters otherwise known as the Sydney Archdiocese was well aware that the WYD Cross & Icon were about to arrive in Sydney.
I shall digress for moment and report that on June 22:
I woke up at a God-forsaken early hour to drive a mate to the airport so he could fly to New Zealand for a SFC conference - a drive where I discovered to my dismay, that the friend I'd once thought would always be my friend.. could easily abandon our friendship for the safer shores of "closed-off and intraverted acquaintance." I pondered about our 9 year friendship after leaving him at the departure terminal, where he'd clearly rejected my offer to hang out for breakfast until his plane departed, wondering as I drove into the city why it hurt so much that I couldn't explain to him the status of my life, my heart, my mind.. when it had once been so easy years and years ago. Or perhaps the real issue was trying to figure out what hurt more: the fact that I can't articulate myself as clearly as I used to, or that he didn't want to try and understand my gibberish anymore because it's safer that way...
Eventually the day drifted into more phone calls, emails, more website updates, mail-outs... until I left the office to hang out with Jonna at VAIG photography studios. What I don't understand is why people would shell out over $1000 for hot photos of themselves. I'll admit that the photos we were presented looked pretty stunning (I envy Jonna for being photogenic - it's not a quality I possess); and if they cost $10 each, I'd purchase all of them in a snap... but $200 for ONE 6x4 inch print of myself in my own clothes, in simple make-up, and a bit of fancy-shmancy lighting? PAH-LEASE.
When the manager finally knocked it down to $89 a print, I bought two (one of me and one of Jonna) for a keepsake of the hilarious night we spent with our down-to-earth photographer, who made us do funny poses against dimly lit walls, on kitchen bench tops, or poised against a painted backdrop.
I drove back to the city after signing off another addition on my credit card bill, and joined Amardeep and an entire flock of first year med students at a Spanish restaurant on Liverpool St. Talk about feeling overwhelmed! For the first time in my life, I witnessed a complete make-over in less than two minutes. The once timid, don't-you-ever-make-me-speak-in-public high school friend of mine, eternally confined to follow dos and don'ts from obsessively over-protective parents had donned a gorgeous dress, done up her hair, was wearing make-up, and laughing the night away at a table full of extraverted friends (who bought her an awesome dinner and really yummy cake).
We made our way to Burdekin bar for a few hours of dancing, drinking.. and all that jazz. Took the DJ about an hour to realise that people react best to songs that they actually know... and when Marvin managed to score me a couple of free drinks, life wasn't so bad by 9pm.
Eventually, the exhaustion began to feel heavy on the eyelids, and I was pretty much over Heineken beer. That and I was feeling somewhat guilty for enjoying myself so much dancing with people I'd just met... while my faithful boyfriend was at home, wondering if I'd really have the guts to get pissed and catch a cab home.
Lucky I didn't... because I got back to my car and found it tragically damaged by a bastard who probably hit it while trying to park, and decided they didn't have the integrity to leave me a note. (Marvin just laughed when he realised how crest-fallen I looked... luckily... because I would've probably broken something in anger had he not been so light-hearted about it)
So... the next couple of days I spent trying to find out whether or not my beautiful silver Corolla had comprehensive car insurance (much to my comfort, it does)...
Today I finally dropped it off at the repairers; which means I have no car for a week. :(
In between today and the day my car was hit, the following things have happened:
- Edwin and I celebrated the 6-month mark by devouring pots of all-you-can-eat muscles at King St Wharf;
- Amardeep and I did the girly thing of sitting on her bed pouring out the type of thoughts and verbal nonsence about issues that only girls can cry/whince/ponder/get pissed over;
- I realised, on the final page of my yellow journal, just how difficult the past year and a half has been for me....
- I started a fresh new journal the day the WYD Cross & Icon arrived in Sydney...
- John Howard give the first speech to ever make my eyes water with tears of inspiration and joy (who would've thought it possible?! Made sure Edwin & I grabbed a photo with him to make sure we'd remember the rare moment forever)
- A crowd of over 8,000 people gathered at Darling Harbour to welcome the WYD Cross & Icon into Sydney
- Guy Sebastian & Paulini sung the WYD08 theme song in front of those 8,000 people
- I followed the Cross & Icon across the Archdiocese of Sydney for 8 days...
- Nereus drove Luke, Suarez, Dom & I to the Circular Quay, where we were joined by Edwin and many other faithful Cross groupies, who accompanied the Cross & Icon onto a ferry, then sailed it over to Manly, where 600 people were waiting at the wharf to welcome it into the Broken Bay Diocese (wow)
- I stuffed my face with pancakes, smothered with ice cream, chocolate sauce, bananas and walnuts after what felt like the most amazing week in Sydney...
- I tried to teach Caitlyn how to play drums, watched her tap-dance on my living room tiles, fell asleep next to her a few times, laughed at her sillyness and let her play with my facial features with her tiny little hands...
- I did the most nerve-racking (and most unprepared for) testimony in front of about 1000 people at my local parish last night... (yikes) about how WYD affected me and why I'm so excited... I still regret talking so fast, mumbling so many times, saying "Umm..." a gazillion times and not wrapping up effectively. Oh well... life goes on I guess.
- I slept and slept and slept and woke up with a congested nose, an aching head, and lots of tissues in my bin...
- I fell in love with my boyfriend again... who gives me hugs, plays guitar for me, and washes the dishes when I'm sick.
- I blogged half a novel about 4 weeks of my life... with no pictures. Ha. (They'll come later.)
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
stupid handbag
this may seem odd... Blogging on a train. I left my handbag at d clergy meeting u see, so my boss has taken my car and now i feel completely naked coz i dnt have a wallet or... Anything really.
Today i felt weird. Out of place. Again it was another restless nyt, wondering wat to do with my life, trying to find vision.. Not quite knowing how to feel about the absence of direction.
I began to write a list of things i have... Which was cool, because it reminded me that i have in fact had some amazing experiences, adventures, stories, dreams and accomplishments. Sometimes its nice to b reminded.. Its gonna b ok. Hmmm... Now... I feel like.. Some chocolate, a nice dinner, my pyjamas, toe socks, a few hugs, a trip to a beach house far far away, a massage, soft music... I dont know wat else so ill stop wasting my money and disconnect now.
Today i felt weird. Out of place. Again it was another restless nyt, wondering wat to do with my life, trying to find vision.. Not quite knowing how to feel about the absence of direction.
I began to write a list of things i have... Which was cool, because it reminded me that i have in fact had some amazing experiences, adventures, stories, dreams and accomplishments. Sometimes its nice to b reminded.. Its gonna b ok. Hmmm... Now... I feel like.. Some chocolate, a nice dinner, my pyjamas, toe socks, a few hugs, a trip to a beach house far far away, a massage, soft music... I dont know wat else so ill stop wasting my money and disconnect now.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
sleepless nights
I heard Professor Hayden Ramsay give a Catechesis the other night to a bunch of teenagers. When he finished I was bawling my eyes out, but he said a few things that really struck me. Towards the end of his talk, he was telling us about the fundamental truths and ideas that we have a right to know. Off the top of my head, these ones I'm writing were the ones that got water-works started. They were:
1. You are not just a blob of cells stuck together in a body. You were created in a miracle of love by God, through the love of your mum and dad.
2. Sometimes you feel really alone, and that you're trapped. That's ok. You can feel those things, but you're going to spend the rest of your life walking out of that trap, and out of that desert - and straight into paradise.
He said a few more things that really humbled me and made me remember what it is that I'm doing all this for. Sometimes it's so easy to forget. Sometimes it all becomes work, and I forget the significance of WYD and think its all just one event after another... then a Professor gives a talk on a Friday night... in a hall that is literally full of teenagers... and I'm reminded that we are the heroes of the Church today. That one day, centuries from now, the Church will remain and the faithful will live on because of the work that we do to keep Christ alive in the hearts of those who believe in him...
Hmm... what else did he say?
I'm paraphrasing here, but I like being reminded: It's all well and good to have fun. But life isn't about fun. Life isn't all about feelings either. If it were, we'd be in a big mess. Sometimes we feel miserable, but that doesn't mean God is gone. Sometimes he working in you so deeply that you can't understand or comprehend it. It's often in these darkest moments that he's doing the greatest work. And it's only when he's finished when you get to see the masterpiece.
And of course...
When Jesus died, he made his friends really miserable. They didn't feel great at all. Why did he die? I reckon it was to give us a message, and that message is simply: If you love with all your heart... if you give your whole self and love with your whole life... then the world will crucify you. They will get rid of you. But... you will rise again. And in your rising, you will give others tremendous hope.
Christ conquered death. Which means no matter how dead you feel, he has the strength to conquer whatever it is that's killing you.
1. You are not just a blob of cells stuck together in a body. You were created in a miracle of love by God, through the love of your mum and dad.
2. Sometimes you feel really alone, and that you're trapped. That's ok. You can feel those things, but you're going to spend the rest of your life walking out of that trap, and out of that desert - and straight into paradise.
He said a few more things that really humbled me and made me remember what it is that I'm doing all this for. Sometimes it's so easy to forget. Sometimes it all becomes work, and I forget the significance of WYD and think its all just one event after another... then a Professor gives a talk on a Friday night... in a hall that is literally full of teenagers... and I'm reminded that we are the heroes of the Church today. That one day, centuries from now, the Church will remain and the faithful will live on because of the work that we do to keep Christ alive in the hearts of those who believe in him...
Hmm... what else did he say?
I'm paraphrasing here, but I like being reminded: It's all well and good to have fun. But life isn't about fun. Life isn't all about feelings either. If it were, we'd be in a big mess. Sometimes we feel miserable, but that doesn't mean God is gone. Sometimes he working in you so deeply that you can't understand or comprehend it. It's often in these darkest moments that he's doing the greatest work. And it's only when he's finished when you get to see the masterpiece.
And of course...
When Jesus died, he made his friends really miserable. They didn't feel great at all. Why did he die? I reckon it was to give us a message, and that message is simply: If you love with all your heart... if you give your whole self and love with your whole life... then the world will crucify you. They will get rid of you. But... you will rise again. And in your rising, you will give others tremendous hope.
Christ conquered death. Which means no matter how dead you feel, he has the strength to conquer whatever it is that's killing you.
****
Atm it's 3:17am and I can't get to sleep. I don't know if Ella's mum made me really strong coffee (normally it doesn't last 5 hours though) or if it's just the gazillion things that went through my mind tonight, or the fact that I finally had a good conversation with girls the old-school Nagle family that once ruled my heart... who knows.
I really do hope that they tell me when things are happening, or that I get invited out to their get-togethers. It's so easy to slip into the habit of not making an effort to catch up with people... to let the time-consuming events of my life eat up the quality time I could be devoting to the people who made me who I am... God it was great being in Kamella's kitchen and listening to Nat and Mary Anne tell me about their lives. It was fun being able to open up in conversation and share the wisdom that 5 years out of high school and offer.
Yikes. 5 years. Before we know it it'll be 10 years... and suddenly high school days when we used to laugh about sex, bitch about boys, throw tantrums about teachers and stress about blotchy skin will be a faint memory. Although I'm sure when we're 30-something, we'll still be laughing about sex, bitching about boys - who by that time should be men, but still aren't, throwing tantrums at teachers - who are not teaching our children properly, and stress about blotchy - or perhaps wrinkly, sun-damaged - skin.
I'm trying to remember what I thought I'd be doing at 22 years of age, back when they asked the 17 year old me. Back in June, 2002 I was thinking about uni preferences... and I'm pretty sure the final draft for my Extension 2 English major was due. Oh God.. that story about Carson London, Rei Phuong, Kayla Summers, and Mario... something. The 4 split personalities of the schizophrenic me all rolled out into one postmodern story about the journey to self-discovery. Pfft... 5 years on and I still don't know who I am, and I probably have more personalities than back when I was 17.
Can I admit at least just how funny it is to be able to say I'm a law-school drop-out. That's right folks - ex Captain, dux (whatever you wanna say about high school achievements) dropped out of her law degree, graduated from a (bludgy) media degree... and is no where near working in that industry.
The lesson is: only God knows where your life is going, so you may as well let him drive.
Sometimes it freaks me out. I think about marriage a lot - which is odd because Edwin and I don't plan to get married any time soon. I think it's even more strange to have found the one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with... but have no idea what else I plan to do with my life. No thoughts on career, where to live, how I plan to earn money, what I'll do post-WYD08. In the deepest depths of my heart I know that planning such things doesn't matter (it's just like those blasted uni preferences, which stresses everyone out during yr 12, and at the end of the day, it means very little). But it's not the planning that worries me. It's the goal-setting (these are two essentially different things). One must have goals before one makes plans.
So what are my goals?
I don't know.
Which is why I'm freaking out.
I figure marriage has been on my mind because it's one of the few things that are on my goals list. Apart from that, I'm a bit lost. Odd for someone who's supposed to be ultra-smart, successful and career-orientated. Odd because I know that the only thing I know I definitely want is a husband and a family. Give me someone to love, and some kids to raise, and I'll be completely fulfilled. Everything else is just accessorising. This is quite a controversial thing for me to admit, because part of me still doesn't want to accept that my vocation is ultimately marriage. I mean... the Joy that grew up to be independent, adventurous and somewhat crazy is still trying to come to grips with the realisation that the person she has become has become this person to eventually be united with another person (hopefully the one who's in bed at the moment, about 1.2 km away, snoring peacefully with his Nokia resting near his head because he fell asleep on the phone with his girlfriend, who happens to be up at almost 4am, blogging about how she wants to marry him one day).
If I play my cards right, I'll hand the cards to God and let the future fall into place. Career, husband, home, future, retirement plan, travel destinations - the lot. But the control-freak (Rei Phuong) section of personality likes to know the next destination... the next item on the agenda.
Blah. The endless cycle of useless thinking that is keeping my mind buzzing.
Again... I think I need a holiday.
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