thank you for being you...

Just came back from the SPY Christmas Party. Check out the pics –

they finally had the masquerade ball that they always wanted.

Anyhoo it was a great night all in all… I’m having a lot of fun being all girly, curling my hair… etc. etc.

It’s tough… going back and falling in love with the community again. It’s something I’ve really missed while being at CYS – having my own community. Somewhere to call home, something to belong to, to feel welcome at, to be part of and to participate in. I guess at the end of it all, everyone really is just yearning for a family where unconditional love is free, not earned..

It was fun tonight because that’s exacty what I felt that whole time. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone, didn’t have to think of anything clever to say… just started conversations and it felt like we all just picked up where we left off. Not once tonight did I feel like I had to try to be anyone but me. And they welcomed me back with open arms – quiet literally. It’s nice to walk into a hall full of people and be greeted with sincere smiles and happiness. It’s nice to feel missed and appreciated and loved. It’s nice to meet new people again… (but I still suck at remembering names…) It’s also nice to dance to really funny music and not feel like a complete idiot because people who can dance better than you are eyeing you. Tonight the group us surrendered all pride and sanity and totally went wild with sparklers to ridiculous songs from Grease, Steps, Beyonce, Aqua and Justin Timberlake. Admittedly, that’s a very… uh… eclectic taste in artists, but it didn’t matter really. We just wanted music and an excuse to move our bodies.

Sadly, I think apart from the SPY parties, the last place where I’ve totally gone off and lost myself in a night of dancing would be a high school disco. (That club is Prague doesn’t count because it was hot and stuffy and everyone was way too close.) Every other time I’ve been out, part of me stiffens up and refuses to go wild because I feel like people who know me (or perhaps don’t know me) are judging me. Odd because at least 80% of all the people at the party tonight would’ve been in high school or recent highschool leavers, and they’re supposed to be the most cynical and judgemental people. Not tonight though. Tonight we went off. (Just like the yr 8 disco at Bowman Hall… how funny). At one point, all us school leavers (some recent, some not-so-recent) grabbed partners and danced the heel-and-toe (strange that we remembered it) and Phil and I attempted the Canadian Three-Step (a dance we definitely did not remember well enough). At least no one stood on anyone’s toes. And even if we did, we’d be too busy laughing.

So now it feels like I’m home where I belong. A year in absence definitely made my heart grow fonder for these kids… I ought to write them Christmas cards and tell them just how much I’ve missed them, and how much I really do love and appreciate them, and want to thank them for giving me a spark again.

I wonder how long the spark will last and if I’ll lose it once I get back to the office. At this stage it’s a tiny little pilot light at the very bottom of a very cold, dark chasm of confusion and self-pity. I’d like to say I’ve mustered enough strength (or faith in God and his heroism) to pull myself out of the pit that I’ve dug, but not today. Today someone is just shining that torch around and letting me know that yes, there is a way out. I just hope that torch has enough battery life in for as long as it takes me to start climbing.

absolute nothing-ness

I've been driving around all week with a gazillion thoughts about what I could possibly blog about, but now that I'm finally in front of the computer, there's nothing that comes to mind. It's been an eventful but uneventful week at the same time.

Christmas is dawning (the 5am Novena Masses started this morning, which is a sure sign that Christmas is just a few days away)... but it doesn't feel like Christmas season at all. For one, it isn't even hot. Weather has been up and down and all over the place, and it felt more like a Winter evening last night when we stepped out of the car for the Society ball.

And speaking of the Society Ball... what a funny night. A couple of weeks ago I determinedly marched up and dawn the office hallways at the CYS house trying to get everyone to buy tickets. I have no idea why I was so determined to get everyone to go, but it seemed like a good idea at the time... and by 1am last night when we sleepily walked up Broadway to find my car, my feet were aching from all the dancing and my tummy was hurting from all the laughing.. and my head was kinda spinning after 5 glasses of champagne... so.. yes, we did have a GREAT time.

When Vincent, Edwin and I walked back up Broadway last night we came up with the conclusion that a "good time" shouldn't rely on the entertainment (or lack thereof), setting, weather, or even company. It's all a choice. And since it was the last time the remaining 4 members of team were going to hang out together all year, we were pretty determined to have a good time. So when the rain started falling into the forecourts at Notre Dame and we scrambled into the hall in order to remain dry, the night's fun had only just begun. (even for Joe, who'd already had 6 beers by that time.)

At one stage we had about ten people sitting on the floor with us singing Christmas carols. And considering that the real musicians (i.e. Edwin, Vincent, Tristan and John) were singing their heads off, we actually didn't sound half bad. In fact, they all did harmonies while the rest of us got the other 50 people who were watching us to join in the melodies of the favourites, like Away In a Manger. Eventually we got so good that we took an album shot. (see left) Hahaha... just kidding.

I was so exhausted that by the time we'd dropped off Vincent back at Clovelly and started heading down Cleveland St, I was fast asleep and had totally abandoned any responsibilities for keeping Edwin company during the drive home.

Much to my surprise, he still managed to pick me up for dawn Mass and we even got to the Church early this morning. If he makes it to all 9 of the Novena masses, I'll be impressed. I know how much that guy loves his sleep, and he already lost some this week when he accompanied to the airport at dawn, Wednesday morning. After the early morning drive he still managed to take me to breakfast at one of my favourite cafes, buy a new suit and drive me to Kiama the next day. This afternoon he came over to help fix our Internet connection. If that isn't love in action, then I don't know what is.

And so now it's 10:30-something and I've been doing nothing all day... well... nothing and cleaning out junk in my room to prepare it for my drum-kit, which I miss intensely. It totally spun me out when I realised 2007 is actually TWO WEEKS AWAY. Wondering what on earth I'll be doing for NY Eve - if anything. (Last year it was with Roanne, Ian, Nereus, Suarez, Aimelle... and several boxes of pop rocks - funny times!) Also wondering how my bank balance is, and if I could possibly afford a trip interstate before going back to work. Time away, doing silly holiday things... (I've got a desperate need to go travelling...)

On a much brighter note, I'm slightly less depressed than I was a week or so ago. One reason being I've had a week away from my office desk (I'm not counting my numerous visits to the office during this week), and I can finally think, breathe... and attempt settling into the real world.

Perhaps now I can make a real decision about what I really want to do with my life.

open roads

Sunny days... chasing the clouds away :)

Took the faithful lil silver Corolla down to the south coast today. Worked up a good tan, drove past plenty of road-kill, made friends with a galah and a lady-bug (who Eddoes named Bumble Bee - I have no idea why)...and watched the James Bond flick at Wollongong (they have funny seats there... not the cushy ones - but plasticky ones... weird). Oh... and I should probably mentioned that we visited the Blowhole @ Kiama (the reason why Edwin drove me down there in the first place).

All in all, it was a pretty amazing day. We had abolutely no agenda, which is why it was so great. Felt like we were in NZ again, travelling randomly and discovering new things. For example: Chocolate Choc-Chip ice-cream is in fact VERY different from Chocolate Obession ice-cream. But while both taste quite different, they're both equally satisfying. Especially after an awesome lunch:

Joe was right when he said that my love language is quality time. I figure after a year of living in the same house, he should probably know. Glad to know he's not the only one who's figured it out though - Edwin's pretty spesh in that way. He knew that it didn't matter what we were doing, as long as it was good stuff and that we got a chance to spend time together without limits, deadlines or pressure.

By the end of the day my mind was clear enough to extract the real thoughts, issues and problems that I know I'm going to have to deal with some time in the next three and a half weeks.

I just wish everyone in my life were as patient and understanding.

Dear God... you know my feelings, you know my confusion.. and you know how much I need you in my life. Please look past my stubborness, my anger and my hurts... and help me to heal completely so I can be the person you want me to be... loving the way you love, living the way you want.

picture book - a joyful city...

I swear Sydney is an odd place to live. Ray (from Melbourne) rang last night to tell me that he bought a Sydway. Too bad that those maps don't have these weird-ass signs in them. The first one is a dodgy one near my place in the Eastern Suburbs (uh-oh... that's no good). And the second one I discovered during my drive North with Sarah and Beth.

Speaking of those girls... man I miss the team! It's disgusting because I'm a nostalgic person (hence the blogging) but I swear I didn't think I'd get this fussy about moving back home. But after realising that they don't actually live in the next room anymore... well that's just sad.

picture book - farewell November

Well... team is officially over. Cheers to my unforgettable CYS family.

We got birthday cake on our farewell night:

...The boys ditched youth ministry began their modelling careers...

... Bec felt called to her vocation as a fairy in NZ...

Beth and Sarah built a house in the kids department at Target and bought all the store's Barbie furniture...

Leoni and Vincent tried to bribe us back for another year with their excellent culinary skills...

... But Vincent followed Boks and Joe and began his modelling career at Terrigal...

dear God...

Tonight is probably the official final day of team. Reason being is because one of them is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, so we'll never reunite as one team ever again. Then again, now that I think about it, I haven't been on team since 21st August 2006.

Part of me is happy for them. By happy I mean really ecstatic because they get their freedom - Bec can go to New Zealand, Beth will get a job and start uni in March, and Sarah will also start uni... Joe will.. do whatever it is that Joe does. I'm happy for them because this is a new chapter in their lives, and while the transition from team life will be even more painful than transition into team life, it will be an amazing journey into the real world... carrying with them all the strength, faith, and humour that they gained from fellow team members throughout this year.

Me... I'm in this office... 12:01am, preparing for a presentation that I have tomorrow evening. Fun times. :) That's my fault though... because I haven't had much time to do that this week.

Ha! On a totally bright side, I had the best conversation with Penitito outside St Mary's Cathedral Hall tonight. First I vented to Sarah in the car. One may wonder why I have any reason to vent - but apparently there are plenty of reasons. Valid ones too. Then after venting, I ventured into the hall and found Penitito near a container of biscuits, and suddenly we were venting our similar predicaments... and it felt good to know that I am not alone in this decision-making debacle.

Yes, that's right... I have yet to make a decision about next year. Hence the title of this blog entry... I need some serous God-time to discern (I'm not a massive fan of that word, partly because I'm no good at actually doing it).

So...

Dear God,
I'm a bit kerfuffled at the moment. Trying to figure out what you want me to do, but realising that that isn't the actually the issue at hand. I'm not entirely sure what your will is, and I suppose at the end of the day I don't need to be sure - I just need to do my best at doing it.

So here's the thing. You're will be done.

Here's the state of my heart: I miss Caitlyn. I miss her happy smile and being able to experience, pure, hilarious and beautiful love from her. I also miss having the time and opportunity to actually develop good, solid relationships with the people in my family. I'm always working weekends, ridiculous hours, and I'm always exhausted by the time I drive home. So what's the point of all of that exactly? I'd also like to see my friends... help them plan their weddings, the arrival of their babies. I'd also like to have a day free to go on a second date. You already know how long I waited for the first one - and now I'm making him wait before he takes me on a second one? That's not good.

I miss the SPY kids.

But most of all... I miss being part of a community. A place where I could receive nourishment... where I could receive love(!) without feeling so damn guilty for it. Now that team is all splitting up and going their separate ways, and I'm still here... it's kind of.. umm... weird. Because there goes my sense of community. Buh-bye... No parish community out here because I'm always visiting a different one every week. No sense of belonging... no sense of... family.

I miss having weekly meetings with my household where we would talk about life, vent about work, uni and all those random things.. and just enjoy being young.

I miss being in my 20s... because the people I work with expect me to have the strength, abilities and detachment as they do... but they're in their 30s. And their experience beats mine hands down.

So now I'm kind of stuffed. Totally and utterly stuffed. Because I love the job, I love the work I get to do, I love the people that I get to meet... but I don't love not feeling like I belong here.

I want to go home.

Please take me to heaven... I kind of miss you.

Amen.

lettuce in my box

In bed with pink stripey pyjama pants and grey colorado jumper. It's not exactly cold and it's not exactly hot either. Wish the weather would get sorted, because I'm seriously over Winter. This week was monumental in that I had to wear a scarf on Thursday. I've never worn a scarf in November... but it seems to be the month of all new experiences.

One of the staff at the place I study thinks this wacky weather is one sure sign the world might end any day. I'm not into trying to predict the end of the world though, so I'll just stick to the reasoning that we (and all other previous generations) have treated this world like crap and as are copping droughts, snow and bushfires (all within one week) as a result.

Today was McHappy day. Lunched with Eddoes and hit the road to Sutherland not long afterwards. Well done to the Shire WYD team!! Tonight's Activ8 was fantastic, and I'm sure all your efforts will continue to bear a lot of wonderful fruit.

Speaking of fruit... I'm seriously craving mangoes. There are a stack of them in the kitchen, I'm sure... but I can't be bothered to go downstairs. As a result, my midnight snack is a quarter of a block of Cadbury chocolate. No wonder I never have energy... my diet is seriously lackingthe real nutrients. McDonald's... and chocolate. Although I should get points for my attempt to eat healthily tonight. I purchased food from a shop called "pure and healthy" - but for the record pure and healthy ain't exaclty the best tasting stuff so I'll stick to the chocolate.

I'm still toying with the holiday idea btw. I haven't got a clue where and when I want to go... before Christmas or after Christmas (really I'd love to get a plane ticket to a deserted island as an early Christmas gift...) but it doesn't seem do-able at all. And I haven't had time to do anything other than hold meetings. My calendar is consistently booked up with meeting after meeting. And when my friends call me, I'm always driving to a meeting or just walking in my bedroom door and collapsing after one. Not to say these meetings are bad - they're fantastic (especially the people I get to meet as a result of the meetings) - but they sure take the energy out of me...

Assuming I have energy, that is.

I've discovered a couple of things today:
- I like blogging because it means I have time to do something other than work. Blogging requires very little on my part, and also usually means I'm in bed and have had a chance to reflect or bludge. Even if it means for only five minutes...

- Writing things down ensures my memory of the event. Told Jonna today that I like looking back over happy moments and realising how much I've grown (or haven't - I'm still short and Asian), or how much something meant to me once. It's humbling to know that we're human, change, need reminding, and that it is only ever GOD who will remain eternal.

- Work is totally over-rated. We have this need to feel busy. I don't know if it's something about living in the city, or growing up in the Western world, but I don't understand why I feel guilty when I'm NOT doing something. Resting and resetting my brain makes me feel like I'm not doing the right thing, even though deep down inside I know I'm totally entitled to ME-time.

- Some people (namely my parents) have to get over the attitude that they've got the right to everything. I was reminded today (during John Finneran's talk at Activ8) that there are many countries in the world where pure, clean drinking water is a privilege, not a right. That for many people, education is a privilege, not a right. That we are stewards of what God has given us, not owners. When I'm given something (anything - a job, a car, a friend, a niece, an invitation, a responsibility), I don't sit there tallying up figures to what I was or wasn't entitled to... I just trust that God has given me all that I need, and keep on doing his work. It was slightly offending that they are still trying to convince me to get another job. This job/vocation/calling (whatever you want to call it) is God's gift to me... and I'd like to as much as I can with that gift, instead of returning it at the store and ungratefully asking for a better one.

*bleh* man I'm tired.

dying for a....

Desperate need for a holiday right about now. But it gets pretty depressing when I look at my phone bill... and then my credit card bill... and realise I'm REALLY broke. God I hate debts. Especially debts that grow due to interest.

On a much brighter note, the sun came out to say hello today. And I finally cooked a meal! Like.. it's been months since I cooked a real meal. So today it was lemon & pepper steak with steamed vegies and roast pumpkin & sweet potato. Yum... well - in theory it's yum. Not sure it actually was though.

So... I'm thinking I need a trip to the beach. Or my bed... it's hard to say really. All I know is that I'm absolutely pooped... a bit annoyed at my colleagues and in desperate need for a holiday. Oh damn it... I already said that.

it was all a dream once

Well it's Sunday night. 29minutes til Australian Idol - and counting. I've stuffed myself with so much food in the past 30 hours I'm not sure I'll be bothered to cook (or go fetch) dinner. Besides, the weather is pretty drastic. Almost feels like Winter (as opposed to almost-Summer) - what with the wind howling, the rain splattering through my window, and the doors creaking in the hallway.

But you know what? My sister's comment was right... storms come to pass, and the sky almost clears. Why and how God does it remains a mystery to me, but at this stage in my life I'm happy enough to float into whatever he's got planned.

So this entire weekend has been a heaven away from home. Friday night was Vincent's 30th (whoops... should I be revealing his age online? Ah well - everyone knows he doesn't act like a normal 30 year anyway. Come to think about it he doesn't act like a normal anything). We rushed back to Clovelly after an evening at the FREEDOM concert. That was definitely an experience of God's grace right there. Often I feel completely unworthy to deliver a talk about anything faith-related. 6 years of public speaking doesn't do much to calm the nerves... and the feeling of being a real hypocrite sometimes. But I remember venting my frustrations to a priest once, and he told me that often God uses such moments where we must appear to be convicted to raise the actual conviction that is sometimes lacking. This is exactly what happened on Friday night when I found myself delivering a talk about being called. My only point of reference was the passage from Philippians that God lovingly directed my thoughts to that morning, during Adoration:

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.
[Phil 1: 27-30]

It was affirming.. to know that even thousands upon thousands of years ago, St Paul was struggling.. and writing to Christians who were also struggling... and that despite all those struggles, the Church, and the Truth that it stands for, is still going strong. Praise God!

So Friday kick-started what turned out to be a really beautiful weekend. God has proved to me that there really are some impressive gentlemen in the world. The particular gentleman on my mind is probably going to resent the fact that I'm blogging this - but can I just tell the rest of this online blogging world that I'm MAJORLY impressed that he was able to fit so many of my favourite things into one remarkable day? Orange tulips, hot, rich chocolate, cake, Mass, really YUMMY Spanish food and... gelato!! Wow... All this time I didn't think God could put that much thoughtfulness into one person (let alone a guy)... but waddaya know? I've been swept off my feet and he doesn't even realise it.

Today he introduced me to the fascinating world of shopping for shoes (men's shoes, that is) - something I've never had to do in my entire life. I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I didn't collapse in the middle of Pitt St mall in exhaustion or boredom.

So really I just spent the whole weekend with this guy... and I think I'm falling into that sickening type of puppy love that usually makes me throw up. (AGH!!!!!)

Hand-cuff me to my chair or else I'll lose my sanity. (Although can I admit feeling this way is much better than feeling abandoned and unsure?)

Thank you God for answering my prayers... no matter how lame and gibberish-like they always seem to be.

wishing you were somehow here again...

Sometimes I think this is all just just a joke, and at one point, someone's gonna hit the "pause" button in my life and have a really good laugh. You know.. right in my face, just so I feel the full power of the humour.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so lost lately. Maybe it's the change of season. Maybe it's the change of lifestyle. Maybe it's the change of heart. I don't know what it is, but anyone who remembers what I was like back in the early years of high school, when my friends started drinking and smoking, should remember that I don't cope well with change.

Most people smile and pat me on the back and tell me how awesome it must be to find a job that I love, that life must be great living near the beach, and that it must be fine... absolutely fine. But the truth is, I struggle to crawl out of my bed, I never have time to go to the beach, and truth be told... I miss home.

It's not the house or the bed that I miss... I just... miss having a place that I can sit down and call home. I miss the feeling of being where I know I should be.. coz right now I have no clue where I'm meant to be.

I miss driving to household with Edwin & Nereus. I miss late Friday nights in front of a DVD with Suarez and Gerry. I miss random visits from Sav and Ian. I miss girly sleepovers with junk food and the Baby-sitters Club books with Amardeep and Cobes. I miss Saturday outings with the SPY kids. I miss Peni, Luke and Aron and their theological discussions over coffee. I miss hugs from Gemma, Lisa and Fay. I miss odd conversations with Tony and Matt. I miss laughing at Fr Warren's idiosyncracies and goofy mistakes. I miss being inspired to do something new and brave. I miss having someone with direction and drive leading me to something bigger and better. I miss lying on grass and staring at the lake with a pile of uni books next to me. I miss the feeling of accomplishing what feels impossible. I miss the feeling of being in God's embrace when I'm walking down a busy city street. I miss lunch at Hyde Park with those scary ibis birds. I miss late night deep and meaningfuls at retreats. I miss one-on-ones. I miss childish romances. I miss the feeling of discovering something new.

I miss that peace that comes from knowing that you're doing what you love to do... and living the life you're meant to live.

And that peace... it feels so far away right now.

I have this strange, sickening deja vu of when I said yes to this guy who asked me out, thinking that he was everything I could ever dream of having in a man... but realised within a week of being together, that being with him wasn't what I wanted at all.

I guess there are some things that look great but taste wrong.

It's sad because I am to afraid to hope now. I'm too scared to trust people... and I'm too scared to tell the people who I need to tell exactly what it is I'm thinking when they ask me how I am...

So where is the Joy that was so determined to do this? Where is the wild, untamed and adventurous soul that would serve without sleep and give without counting the cost? Where is the passionate speaker... dynamic and convicted?

If you find her, please tell me, because she's missing and has been for quite some time. Her replacement is running out of batteries.

undiscovered

Sometimes I just want to throw up everything that is inside... just because there are too many thoughts in my head. Just because there are too many hurts, too many burdens, too many prayers unheard (not because He doesn't listen... but because I'm too lazy to pray). All these things, of course, are my own fault. My fault for not trusting Him more, my fault for not surrendering everything, my fault for being selfish... my fault because it just is.

Sometimes I stare at the screen fighting back tears because sometimes... it feels like I'm not cut out for this. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate, sometimes I feel like such a liar, sometimes I feel unwanted, unworthy and completely out of my league. And sometimes, I wonder why it is I chose to choose this path. Sometimes I wonder why roads can't just be straight, without pot-holes and speed-bumps and people screaming at you and trucks thundering past to scare the hell out of you. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be most twenty-one year olds - why they hell am I so eager, why must I be so passionate, why must I be determined or driven.. why can't I just be lazy, lost and not in the mood... because other people seem to be, and I'm sick of feeling left out.

Sometimes I sit in the driver's seat of my car unaware of where I'm going or how I'm even getting there, but really wish the tears would stop coming out of my eyes because it's dangerous to drive in the rain.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into His arms, cry on His shoulder and weep until there is no water left in me... just so he can fill me with His life because mine just doesn't seem to fit right.

Sometimes is right about now.

in the face of adversity...

- Eat lots of Nutella.
- Punch pillows and scream into the stuffing (Lilo-style)
- Throw everything onto the floor upon entering your bedroom floor
- Take a long, long, long drive
- Cry, cry and then when you're calm... cry some more
- Call someone to vent to
- Leave teary messages on their voicemail when they don't pick up the phone
- Listen to loud rock or emo music
- Go for a loooong swim
- Spend time with a baby to remind you that there is still hope in the world...

thank God it's uh...

What day is it again? I seem to have forgotten. It feels like a Friday afternoon and I'm ready to head home and hit the sack.

Today Bec and I discovered we need way more telephone lines in our office to do any productive work.

Oh God... let me leave here early and *sigh* not hit the traffic on the way home.

back and black

Currently listening to new Rachel Lampa album I purchased somewhere in Mega Mall in Manila.. where I managed to stumble across a Hillsong "Songs for Communion" album (weird, since they don't believe in the Eucharist), which I also purchased...

It's weird to be back in Sydney so soon. I kinda wish I'd stayed there for a couple of months, if not a whole year (I say this despite the stinking hot and humid weather, my newly-discovered allergy to Filipino mosquitoes, and the virus I caught from the 1-yr-old who kept stealing my water bottle in the GK village).

I guess there's something special about Philippines that kinda gets me nostalgic. I spoke with the most american-tag-lish accent on Sunday when I had to address the YFC Manila Sector-B conference and invite them all to WYD in 2008. I hardly remember anything I said because I was so sweaty and nervous, but I distinctly remember about 1000 of them cheering when I declared I was so proud to be Filo, because when I'm in Phils, I see hope, I see passion and I see an unbelievable trust in a God that makes things possible for them.

Without putting down Sydney, I have to admit that there's an intense adrenalin and passion that the youth of Philippines have that the youth of Australia. Maybe it's the culture, or because the country is 80% Catholic... I don't know. But whenever I go there, I encounter a level hope and hospitality that demonstrates true, unconditional and fearless love. We probably visited 6 GK sites during our trip, and in each of them God unveiled a joy so beautiful I felt my heart being tugged to stay there forever.

We'd walk past the colourful homes and parents would smile, wave and sometimes giggle when the team members would attempt their Aussie-sounding greetings of "Magandang umaga!" or "Kumusta! Ako si...."

The kids would wander over to us curiously, and once we offered them a smile, they'd immedietaly begin a fresh game of "tag" or jump on our backs for a piggy-back race with their neighbour. None of the "stranger-danger" hostility you get in our streets here.

Getting rid of the poverty in the Philippines must've seemed like an impossible task. And yet the GK program started because a Youth for Christ household decided they'd build a new home for one of their members... today there are over 900 communities that have benefited from building new homes. That means over 9000 families have a new chance... simply because a few teenagers decided to do something selfless and put a fearless trust in God.

Where did that fearless trust of God go? Why so much hostility and fear to achieve great and marvellous things? People in Australia have become apathetic to miracles... in a country that's supposed to have everything, we've come not to expect anything.

The saddest thing I heard during the trip was when Ate Candy told us about one of her conversations with one of the kids in the GK sites. She'd asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said, "A tricycle driver." Her heart was torn when the boy admitted he didn't want to say he wanted to be a doctor or a teacher or anything more than what he knew he could achieve. The child had lost the ability to dream - and dreams don't cost a cent.

There's an element of that in what I've experienced in the past couple of months. I feel like an idiot every time I dream. People roll their eyes, or snigger and say something like, "Don't bother trying - people have tried that and failed many times."

I'm sure many people in the past tried to alleviate the situation of poverty in the Philippines. But the beauty of heroes like Tony Milloto, Dylan Wilke and every contributor to the GK program is that people's failings in the past NEVER STOPPED THEM FROM GIVING EVERYTHING UP SO THAT OTHERS COULD HAVE MORE. Cynicism doesn't breed heroes.

I like being an idealist. I like having dreams. I like knowing I've done everything I possibly can to make a difference - even if it's a fraction of what other people do. And if people are going to try and take all that away from me, they can die trying. This is God's work - not mine.

***TO BLOG: (if the page ever loads...)

Things I forgot about Phils that I should've warned the team about before coming:

1. Despite being metro manila, the pace is a lot slower than in Sydney. People can take days off work if there is a storm, and you could end up waiting half an hour to flag down a taxi.

2. Beware of the powerlines - there's a lot of them.

3. You can get lost in Mega Mall.

4. Speak English slowly.

5. Never put anything solid down a public toilet (that includes number 2s and toilet paper) because they never flush completely.

6. Always carry tissues, or anti-bacterial wet-wipes everywhere you go.

7. Apply and reapply insect repellent whenever you get a chance. (I got about eight bites on each leg during my shower today... what a rort).


Hmm... I'm sure there are way more that I was thinking of when I was walking through the streets of manila yesterday taking photos of typhoon damage.
Aha! Yes - I survived my first typhoon. My next problem will probably be mosquitoes.. who love me (or hate me, I can't really tell - whatever it is, they love biting me).
Two more days until we hit the GK sites! Man I'm excited! I'm not particularly excited about flight home (it gets lonely).

Anyway.. let's publish this so I'm not late to meet my cousin at Mega Mall... yay - lunch date.

chuckin a sicky

Hey so I haven't even been on this job for a month and I'm already taking time off. But the Chief says it's ok - I've got enough time in lieu so I deserve some rest time. I hate congestion.
Let's just hope tomorrow's filming day and WYDSAC meeting doesn't kill me, and that I make it to my graduation looking like a princess on Thursday morning. Pfft! Yeah right!

In summary, here's what life has presented me over the past couple of days:

- Penitito back for week! Yay... we picked him up and did (a ridiculously late!) lunch at Parra with him, Aron and Luke last Thursday. Also did coffee on Monday (hoping he joins team!)
- Joy got a new toy! Hehehe... my little silver beast of a Corolla is parked outside my house. The faithful little thing did 400km in one weekend... what a trooper!
- Met some really cool WYD Reps from Ryde/North Sydney on Friday... aww.. that was really inspiring! Esp Fr Danny from Gladesville - cool mate!
- Fundraising Ball on Saturday night where Cossima Devito sung her little heart out and Vincent, Vicky, Jo, Jennifer, Pandora, Tom and I danced our little hearts out to the jazz band. Oh.. did I tell you I ate Indian food? (Ask Amardeep and Cobes - that's quite an achievement for me!)
- Massage at Broadway on Sunday. Yumm... well.. yes and no. It was good I also realised my back has gotten worse and worse over the last year or so. Uh-oh... time to start swimming more often.
- Watsons Bay. I shocked Eddoes when I said I was too tired to walk around and look for ice-cream (it doesn't happen that often).
- Youth Mass @ Randwick. Tristan has an awesome band.. they sound HOT! Percussion, harmonies, guitarists and a beautiful pianist... awww...
- Chocolate-Chai latte during the drive home! Hmmm....
- Monday-itis big time. I was officially dead yesterday.
- Tuesday-itis. Woke up several times last night panicking because I thought I couldn't move. Haha... what a hypocondriac. But man, I paid a visit to what seemed like the dodgiest doctor today. Then when I got to the pharmacy I realised being sick SUCKS big time because it's so damn expensive.
- Sleep, sleep and more sleep... yet I managed to find myself in the office tonight answering emails and typing up a report for tomorrow... eww. Man I'm such an idiot.

Time for bed!

+

just lay entwined here...

God bless free evenings. It's a rarity, which is why I feel as though they're gold. Vincent was about to get me to accompany him to a sub-committee meeting today... and as much as I love my job, I'm so desperately glad that he didn't.

What a week. (I'm referring to the last seven days of course, because it is, after all, Monday).

Currently listening to: Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby track. Always brings back feelings of Spring-time and high school.

Anyhoo. So you'll be pleased to know that things lightened up after last Monday's tearful venting spree on blogspot. Not to say things lightened completely... nor did they lighten up quickly. I wasn't operating at 100% for the entire week (ask Vincent, who had to deal with my not being so organised or energetic), and unfortunately probably won't be operating at 100% for at least a couple of days, because to top off an emotionally exhausting seven days, I managed to catch a nasty virus. Something to do with flu symptoms and some phlegm.

>>> So last Monday... involved a fair bit of time in the Chapel crying. No.. not crying... sobbing. Then I fell apart when I got to my bedroom and Sarah wandered in and offered her shoulder.. which actually made me cry even more. It was at that point I ripped open my massive block of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate and started consuming my daily intake of two rows each day. Tarryn left that night too. Damn it - talk about being damaged with emotional overhaul.

>>> Eventually Tuesday rolled around and I almost fell asleep in class . Wednesday brought another set of uninteresting events to throw me off an already curvy course. Got called into a meeting in Homebush and felt somewhat abandoned in McCafe on Parramatta Rd at about 6:48pm when I all I had to keep me company was a mocha that I didn't want, and really cheesy radio music. (serves me right for thinking I'd actually get picked up on time).

>>> BUT... the good news is that despite feeling disgusting, crappy, ditched and cut, I still have friends who know that the one antedote to an emotionally overwhelming day is emo music. (I'm kidding, that's not the only antedote.. but it was a good one). Of course the only thing that is a step better from emo music is live emo music... so the Dashboard Confessional concert was perfect.

>>> Thursday emerged and I was lucky to peel my eyes open after such a late night. I can't even remember what happened that day, but I distinctly remember getting a month's worth of rain pouring down in a span of 12 hours. And having to drive in the midst of it... ewww. God bless Vincent.

>>> By the time of the weekend arrived I was crying for a sleep-in. So after allowing a couple of extra hours of sleep on Saturday morning, I attempted a quick clean-up of the kitchen, dining room, offices, common room, my faithful drumkit, and my own beloved bedroom.

>>> At about 5pm I began the 2.5 hour journey out West - by west I mean Penrith-west... because I finally had dinner with Jonna. YAY! Girly catch-up... which hasn't happened for about half a year. Man that was good. And about time too! Most of the conversation (and I hang my head shamefully as I type this) revolved around boys..

Hahaha.. and it's funny right, because the next day, when *a certain boy* came over to have lunch with my family, the first thing my sister's asked was if we were going out. And when I said no, I knew that all they'd done was disregard my answer because as far as they're concerned, he may as well be my boyfriend.

I, on the other hand, don't think so. I figure if you're gonna go for one person and this one person ends up being your first and only - the only girl you court, amaze and pursue - then you owe it to yourself (not to mention the girl!) to go all out. 110%. Why not? There's no point wasting anyone's time - not yours and not hers...

Again, another conclusion that sprung from another DNM with Sarah. This epiphany happened some time last night on the couch while we were pretending to watch Idol (I say pretending for Sarah's sake, because I know she hates the show).

It was nice sitting there and being told from a sister that I deserved nothing but the best. Usually it's me delivering that message to 90 teenage girls... but you know, it's nice to be reminded from an outsider every now and again. "Why the heck would you settle for anything less than the best?" Good point. I mean... if, in Ephesians, St Paul tells Christian women to submit to their husbands - it's only because their husbands are told to love their wives with the same love that Christ has for His Church. Now hold up now... that's OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD, AMAZING, SACRIFICIAL LOVE. Love that saves, transforms, nurtures and wows the very soul of a human being.

And they're wondering why I wouldn't say "yes" the moment he's asked me out? Jeez... because I'd like to think I'm worth more of an effort thanks. In the risk of sounding ridiculously up myself, can I justify my wanting to be swept of my feet with the fact that no girl in their right mind would settle for anything less than what they deserve if they knew that someone would give it to them. And if God wants you to have something he'll give it to you...

We deserve the best right?

Hands down!

stupid weekends

It's not the best feeling when, after hitting your snooze button for the second time and then realising it's already 5:54am, you wake up, and then start getting teary. Despite my extremely emotional side, I'm not one to cry in public all too often, but for some reason, the moment I got to Stand C at Eddie Avenue this morning, little bits of moisture started leaking out of my right eye. I missed my bus to Clovelly by about 3 minutes. So I had to wait another 31 minutes for the next one to arrive. Yay.

So I sat down at the bus-stop, zipped up my jacket (beautiful weather today, but still extemely chilly at 7:30am), and tried to read through the 9-5 magazine that some randowm Asian chic handed to me when I walked out of the station. Articles about fashion icons Christina Aguilera and Helena Christensen didn't offer too much of a distraction. I kept looking up at every bus that swept by in front of me (or at every vehicle that sounded anything like a bus) hoping that it would be one I could jump on so I could wheel my 10kg suitcase up Clovelly Rd, and into my bedroom. All I wanted to do was collapse on the floor (any floor!) and cry. But every time I looked up I was disappointed... so I'd hang my head and try reading again, only to be reminded of the $@**!%) evening I had yesterday, and how stupid, useless, cheap, rejected and idiotic I felt when I walked in my front door at 10:30pm.

Do you know what I mean when I rattle on about having one of those days that you just wish you could re-live because of how stupid you were? The moment T3 was over, I switched off the television, jumped in the shower, and spent a long time soaking up body wash, contemplating how awful it feels to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable in front of someone, only to have them ignore or discard you. Not to say that that's what happened yesterday, but that's sure as hell how it felt when I was lying in bed last night trying to fight back tears.

So yes... it's Monday morning. I officially feel like shit.

Serves you right Joy, you idiot. Stop relying on people to fill in the gaps that only God can fill. Damn it get off your lazy ass, forgive the people who've disappointed you, and get on with it!

But what if I don't want to be forgiving right now? What if I want to stay angry, because I feel like part of my dignity just got stolen, and I want the person who stole it to feel guilty, because THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

Why did you let them?

Good point. *sigh* Serves me right for opening up my heart hey? *raaaagghhhh!!!* God, I hate today.

wise bites

Sitting in CYS office / listening to "The Potter's Hand" by Hillsong Australia / Vincent typing away next to me / chatter and laughing of schools kids outside / quiet team office (everyone's out doing the grocery shopping / trying to gather thoughts...

Dear God,
Sometimes it's not easy to love. And sometimes it's not easy to figure out what you really want from my life. And I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is what you want me to be doing... but really all I'm hoping to do is put a smile on your face. The same smile that will welcome me into Eternity when I die and get to Heaven's gates... because I can't think of any better way to be spending the rest of my life...

***

Notes scribbled down after an afternoon with Jim Murphy:

* When a person has a vision (or rather, when a vision has a person!), that person stands out. Vision takes hold of you - it drives you and leads you to drive others.

* To share your vision, you need to believe in it completely for people to want to be part of it.

* It won't always go your way... but allow it to give you direction.

* If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything the world throws at you.

* You owe it to yourself to have vision. A vision fixed and grounded in God allows you to become unstoppable.

* If you won't let God give you vision, other people in the world will try to give one to you. Everyone around you has an opinion of you, and are willing to tell you (especially the one's who have a bad opinion)... but what's God's opinion about you? That's what matters...

* Seek God... and do whatever he tells you.

* When God gives you something to do, it's probably not going to be easy. Just because you're doing His will, it doesn't mean the path gets easier.
Did Jesus do the will of God? YES.
Did he have an easy life? No.
Did he give up? NO!

Neither should you.

* With commitment comes freedom.
The reason why you can sit in a room with a light bulb on is because Thomas Edison tried and failed 10,000 (yup, TEN THOUSAND!) times before he made the light bulb.
Test 10,001 - "Let there be light!"
Imagine if he'd given up after the 10th try?

* Live your life one step at a time. One day at a time. Don't waste your time looking too far ahead - the world has enough problems, so just get over this one.

* 80% of the things we worry about don't even happen.
Stop chasing phantoms.

* You've got to have a vision, but you can't live that whole vision at once.

* Live in the present. Stop regretting the past or worrying about the future - concentrate on the here and now, or you'll miss it.

* Listen twice as much as you talk. The key element of healing is when hearts are being listened to. Listen in proportion to your ears and mouth (i.e. 2:1)

* On your bad days, you'll find you concentrate more on yourself than others. You say, "It's about me - not them!" Well it's NOT. You shouldn't need to be right, you shouldn't need to be profound. Listen to people. Give them the dignity Jesus gave them on the cross.

* Accept life as it comes to you. And by accept, I mean ACCEPT. Stop expecting things from other people or from the world. Drop the word "should" from your vocabulary.

* You won't always get what you want. But God will always give you what you need.

* When push comes to shove, and you're walking in a desert, the only thing you need to survive is water.

GOD DOESN'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.
HE GAVE YOU EVERYTHING ON THE CROSS.

* If you walk through life expecting more than what people give, remember you probably won't get it. The world doesn't exist to pat you on the back. Check your heart.

* Never outrun the clock. Don't play to waste time. Play to get the goals, and don't waste your time. Each moment, second, minute and day is yours to live. Either REALLY live, or prepare to die. Either play full-out or don't play.

* Don't let down your guard. EVER. St Peter said: (uh... with a paraphrase) Your adversary prowls through the world seeking who to devour. You're an ignorant fool if you think you'll avoid hits.

* When Satan attacks, he uses small bullets, not massive missiles. He goes for it when you get careless, so don't let your guard down.

* People holier than you have been kicked down. Don't think it won't happen to you.

Jesus had to pray and fight to the very end.

* Don't take yourself seriously. But take God's work seriously!!

***

"Our bodies carry its own cross. May they see the presence of God in you. When you carry the cross in your day-to-day life, may they Jesus..."

and the chapter begins...

It's strange thinking back and realising I moved into this house almost 8 months ago... how it took me soo long to settle into the lifestyle - living away from home, living near the beach, being accountable to everyone on team, leaving friends back West behind...

And then there was 12 months ago - back when I was sitting in a field with 1.2 million other people, listening to the Holy Father speak, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks, sensing an amazing spirit ablaze in the hearts of each young person at Marienfeld... what a memory.

So now here I am... sitting at my desk (even though I was meant to leave it an hour ago - whoops!) and I don't know how to wrap my head around the fact that two years from now, WYD would've come and gone... and wow... I'm working for the Church. Oh my goodness...

In my head right about now:
- investing in property. what the??
- dude I miss ryan and the random drives we used to go on
- napean river - God bless Weir Reserve and chocolate gelato
- change out of work clothes... PLEASE
- new cars... test driving that Focus was funny. That annoying guy from Toyota trying to sell me that Corolla.. God love him
- poor Vincent...
- i miss SPY
- hugs are nice
- mmmm... Lindt chocolate sale over the weekend
- dear jonna: when God says you're ready, you'll be ready ;)
- dear caitlyn: i wish i could put u in my pocket and bite those rosy cheeks and steal those gorgeous long eyelashes you have
- dashboard concert... yeeehhaaa!
- graduation in 30 days baby!! wassup!!
- money gives me a headache
- jane's gonna have a beautiful baby giiirrrll!! yipppeee!!!
- YFC HSB household.. what the heck happened?? where did u all disappear to?!
- i think it's almost dinner time...

pictures speak...

The boys are watching the Broncos and Bulldogs game tonight. Happy 2nd-day Birthday Bokyo! The team love you!

Man... what a week. It's Friday night and I'm sure I'm not the only tired soul out there. Just did my tax return (can't wait for that money to turn up in my bank account... oh wow I'm excited). But the brain-straining mission of doing my tax-return isn't the main cause of my exhaustion. It's been a loooong week with lots of funny, exhausting events. Life-changing events (and that's no exaggeration!) Far out... It's been an interesting 8 days. :p

The first was the first round of job interviews - talk about nerve-racking. I sat in Hungry Jacks eating lunch by myself, scaring myself with the worst-case interview scenarios (like saying the stupidest answers, farting in the middle of an awkward silence and other such stupid things).

Eventually I decided to pray and came across this lovely little piece of paper from Bec - a loving reminder of simple principles in life that ended up being a source of comfort. It said:

POINT 1: YOU ARE IN THE CENTRE OF GOD'S PLAN FOR YOU

POINT 2: ... REMEMBER THERE IS A GOD (EVEN IF IT'S NOT YOU OR ME, HE IS STILL THERE)

POINT 3: SOME PEOPLE RATE WINTER AS A FAVE SEASON SO THERE MUST BE SOME GOOD IN IT

POINT 4: YOU ARE UNIQUE I.E. YOU'RE DIFFERENT I.E. YOU FEEL DIFFERENT STUFF AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN DIFFERENT WAYS ETC BUT ALSO REMEMBER

POINT 5: EACH PART OF A BODY IS NEEDED

Isn't she great? Gotta love her man...

That Friday I led my last team retreat with some yr 8 girls. It was such a fun, girly retreat on FRIENDSHIP. Hehehe... got them singing "Lean On Me" while Vanessa played guitar and I played Tristan's Cuban Box Drum... Yay!

I have a vague memory of Saturday - getting dressed up in a pretty skirt and soaking up the sunshine at Malabar. I was meant to watch The Lakehouse with Tristan that night but ended staying in because we had the City To Surf the next day...

Ah.. .yes... the funnest day out to Bondi (God must like races... because he ALWAYS blesses that day with good weather!)

So it started off with an early wake-up at about 6-something AM. Yeeshk. Eventually I wondered down the hall and made sure Suarez and Eddoes were awake. We had breakfast with the team in the dining room with sunshine streaming through. Made our way to Hyde Park where crowds were already forming... scored free RED City to Surf hats and went searching for our bibs...

See how happy we look at the beginning of the race? Hahaha... we started off on a slow crawl towards Park Rd, and by the time we were 500m into it, Edwin came up with the bright idea of running. So he and I split from the rest of the team and started jogging. By the time we reached the 14km mark we looked like we'd had a stroke somewhere between that second Gatorade stop and the end of Heartbreak Hill. It didn't help that he decided to throw the rest of his (free) cup of water at me while we were running.

I'll admit it was a thoroughly entertaining run (or jog/walk/stroll depending on how fit you're feeling.) Eddoes and I gave up running at about the 5km mark... (I think he pulled something) so we had plenty of time to appreciate our surroundings: people having BBQs, ambulances with blistered feet lining up for band-aids, bands on rooftops...

Eventually we finished the race... in about 158 minutes... hahaha... yeah yeah I'll actually run it next year. We collapsed at Bondi once we finished the race. (Note to self: ALWAYS STRETCH. Edwin learned that lesson the hard way.)

So... there we were... late Sunday afternoon. Eventually pigged out at the Junction with the rest of the team... I'd re-live that experience any day... even though I woke up for the next 2 days with jelly in my legs.

Then there was Monday - awesome chic day in the city with Ivy. What a mad beach day! No wonder that girl is in my Top-10 fave list. Hahaha.. no joke. A slow and conversation-filled train ride to Central, a bus to my place, a tour around the team house, a walk down to the beach, Oportos for lunch, a bus to Hyde Park, a prayer at St Mary's Cathedral... and a grande finale of a Jelly-Belly purchase from the Sugar Fix shop in Pitt St Mall. Who wouldn't be cheering after a day off spent with such a fun, inspiring, faithful and totally gorgeous friend??


Then Tuesday came... Hahaha... what a funny turn of weather. Who would've thought ay? The pictures speak for themselves (can you believe this was in Sydney?!)

(This is Joe as we drove through Leichardt. Blue skies gone...)

(The road near Broadway...)

I came across some homeless guy freezing is butt off in the snow (actually his name is Bokyo...)

(...Eventually he started building an ice-man with Beth)

That night I ended up jigging class and driving down to Max Brenner for a perfect finale for Tuesday's cold, wet weather.

--------------------->
YUM... by far the yummiest hug EVER!

Talk about indulgence. I think I'm about two micro steps away from committing the mortal sin of gluttony... But then again, there is cause to celebrate (or so I tell myself, because I did order a iced-mocha at Clodeli cafe today, with extra ice cream...)

For those who don't know yet - I got a new job!! AHHGGHHHH!!! How crazy ay? This poor 2-year-old BLOGSPOT may be the new space for major stress-venting, because the role is somewhat demanding. So that dreaded interview last week turned out pretty well.. and God seems to have uh... mammoth plans up his sleeve. Hmmm .... I'd like to think I'm not nervous, but I'm actually terrified. Because of the terror, and the nervousness of starting on Monday, I've decided to prescribe myself with a weekend off. No thinking... just... FUN.

I'm not sure how successful that will be (I'm not looking forward to explaining the technicalities of this Church-related job to my loving and concerned Mother, who is back from Canberra - God love her!), but I do know I get to hang out with mates back West... so if you read this... uh... please pray for me. Monday morning starts a new chapter in a strangely roller-coaster-like 21 year old life.

More reports later.

two things i hate

Grr... one of those things that involve 2 things I detest being held within the span of 24 hours.

The first is the census. Actually, it wasn't such a big thing filling it out (finding the appropriate numbers was a pain in the ass, but otherwise, filling it out was pretty funny with Bec by my side).

The second would be job interviews - and that's gonna be on in about... hmm... 14 hours? Eww. I think I want to sleep in (but obviously can't because we have a mail-out to do tomorrow).

Thought I'd vent those things before I go to bed, because I'm extremely nervous, but not quite sure why because I'm not really fussed about the census or the job interview (I'm happy with or without it to be honest) - not because I don't care, but because I know God will do His thing, and that's always the BEST thing... which is why I love Him to bits. The only thing is... I'm scared, nervous and my brain feels like jelly at the moment (hmm... probably looks a bit like it too).

Bleh.

go to bed joy

It's never to late to have a HAPPY CHILDHOOD

So... I spent tonight at Lyndon's place playing with his 2 year old son, Joshua, who's just plain adorable. He's in love with me, my drum kit, and my stuffed cow, Mylow. He's a psycho, funny, and joyful little bundle of giggles, who loves to crash tackle people's legs, jump off the couch, let me read him nursery rhymes, and yell, "WANT SOME HOT POTATO??" in the weirdest accent ever. And just seeing him reminds me how enormous my parent's king-sized bed used to seem when I was still in primary school, and how fascinating life is when you're discovering it for the first time.

SHARING SOME LESSONS FROM TODAY:

1. Somewhere out there, the sky is blue... no matter how far away it may seem.

2. I should never underestimate the power of going for a walk. I always overestimate how long it will take to walk somewhere, but today I took a peaceful stroll to Clovelly beach, and followed the coastline up north and almost hit Bronte before heading back to the Church. The view was amazing, the air was crisp... and man I love living in this city.

3. The ultimate way to start your day is to hear the voice of loved ones, and hear that voice say a prayer offering every moment of it to God. *tingles*

4. If you ever wonder if God is powerful enough to calm a storm, watch the waves. The power in the ocean is moved by the hand of our Creator.

5. Expecting generosity cancels the very act of generosity. I'm not sure I agree with that thought 100%, but one sure way of deflating a generous giver is expecting a generous gift... because the very joy of being generous is being able to exceed one's expectations.. and I hate it when people demand love from me. That's just unfair. Love isn't supposed to be demanded.

***

So here's a note FOR THE PEOPLE WHO THINK... LIFE FOR JOY IS ALWAYS PEACHY:

It's not.

Just thought I'd throw that thought out there, in case you really did believe that I'm always ok, that I don't have days when I want to run terror around the house, shout verbal abuse, or hear smashing glass on concrete. I don't do those things, of course... but yes... there are moments when what people do or say (or even think!) hit the wrong nerve, and I want to fall apart, or break them apart (it really just depends).

I guess what I'm learning on team (the hard way, mind you) is that even when you don't FEEL like loving someone, you should still DO the loving thing. That, in fact, is what makes love so powerful ... because it's not based on feeling, but on the fact that you want to what's in the best interest for the other party.

I'm learning this the hard way, because I don't always do the loving thing. Wish I did, but the reality is, I'm human... and I'm stupid. Lucky God knows that, and keeps on forgiving me, because otherwise, I'd be somewhat screwed.

So today, I stepped down. No longer team leader, no longer in charge. *sigh of massive relief* Thank God... because I don't know how long I would've survived. Leadership is bloody hard work. So when you read this... please say a prayer for our team. Major changes are happening here there and everywhere... and we're being attacked on the frontline in our weakest moments.

But the best coincidence happened today.. :) Yesterday my sis and I were watching the DVD from last year's REVELATION concert... and I thought of Penititz and how he is. And waddaya know - he's online on MSN right now! And it feels good... to hear from someone who's given up everything to go serve God on the other side of the country. I miss the guy. So here's a snippet of our conversation:

HORSE says:
it wierd coz i dont wat my purpose is

HORSE says:
all i know is God is using me for a greater purpose

j0¥ says:
just remember that evANGELisation is about the GOOD MESSAGE. angels are messengers - we are simply messengers, and our message is Christ's salvation. We want people to believe in him and find personal relationship with him. Whether that's through a youth movement or directly through the Church is irrelevent in many ways... as long as they understand THE IMPORTANT THING IS CHRIST... not them...not us

HORSE says:
Amen

And with that dear friends... goodnight.

i give it... a 8.5

If I were to rate this weekend, I'd say it was way up there with the happy moments of Europe, GAT, and other such adventures. I guess it's been a while since I've an exceptionally fantastic experience that's really made me smile genuine smiles. So... since happy, good days are such a rarity lately, I thought I'd record what was involved in such a high-scoring, historical event.

SaturdaY:

- Slept in til 10:36am, and decided that it wasn't time to get out of bed, so I stayed under the covers reading "A Return to Modesty." By far, the most thought-provoking but interesting book about feminity and everything good about being a girl (if you ever wonder why women are more powerless than they ever have been in history, why we're so insecure, afraid, and why we should reclaim our dignity... then read that book).

- Got out of bed when I heard the vacuum cleaner running. Attempted to do something productive, but only got as far as plugging in my hair straightener.

- Straightened hair as Sarah lay on my bedroom floor and we began what became a day-long conversation about the perplexities of team life, the things that we're sick of, the need for a bludge, and my deepest desire to be taken care of.

- Opened my bedroom window to find a crisp, warm breeze and fantastically blue sky waiting for me.

- Changed into jeans and my bungee jumping singlet and bashed away at my drum-kit until Sarah was ready... headed to Eastgate.

- Bummed at Bondi Junction for 2 hours (took about 1/2 an hour to find parking... so make that 1.5 hours)... which involved having this for brunch:

Wait: does brunch have to happen before lunch? Because I believe we consumed that wonderful dish at about 1:50pm... but I hadn't had brekky yet, so that counts as brunch.

- After sitting in Gloria Jeans and reading really stupid Hollywood gossip magazines, I'll admit I feel a lot better. I figure if you ever get depressed and think your life is screwing up, then pick up Womans Day or something. All that crap about hollywood actors/actresses... i feel for them. Constantly scrutinised, judged, made fun of... and all they can do is keep on digging themselves into that hole. Pray for 'em.

- To continue our splurge day, Sarah and I finally left and went to East Gardens to attempt grocery shopping. I say "attempt" because it took us about 2 hours of window shopping to finally work up the energy to walk into Woolworths. (haha... yeah like that even makes sense). I'll admit it was so much fun walking around David Jones, General Pants, Portmans, Sportsgirl and a whole heap of chic stores, knowing we were dead broke and couldn't afford anything we tried on. But man it was good to be girly again:

- Here's my dress my Portmans. (I only say "my dress" because I want it.) I hate being poor, but I figure even if I wasn't, I wouldn't buy it because it's over $100.

It's fun shopping with Sare coz she's a punk princess AND a girly-girl, so we're on the same wave length. She'll see a dress, and I'll find a funky shirt, and life is good because we both agree that both are great. And the best part is we both know we're missionaries so we don't actually need to buy anything! So we spent the afternoon being idiots... reminds me of the times in high school when I used to hang with my mates at Westpoint (back when it was a tiny shopping centre) and try on pretty clothes, hoping for a more up-style life. Hahaha...

- Eventually we got REALLY girl, started talking about life, the future, what we'd do if (God-forbid) we ended up like our parents, if it's possible to find the perfect guy, where we would live if we couldn't live in Sydney (which, by the way, is definitely the BEST city in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD), and what type of engagement ring we would want.

This type of conversation, of course, is ridiculous, coz neither of us have boyfriends. But that didn't stop us from walking into Prouds and checking our wedding rings (sad, yes, but I do believe that was the whole point of the day).

- Eventually we bought groceries (spent about $100 at Joes Meat Market, then another $150 at Woolies - who thought feeding 7 people would cost so much a week?!). Our house seems to be getting fuller, now that Justine's moved in. And Taryn's coming back to Sydney after a year in the UK. So the CYS house is buzzing with people...

- So we drove home, absolutely exhausted, but extremely satisfied. Changed into our PJs and sprawled out in our hallway, looking at cookbooks, trying to figure out if we could be bothered to cook anything for dinner.

- Banged away at faithful Ash once again. (I might actually be getting worse at drums, because I haven't been practicing, which is awful).. and got a call from Eddoes, who announced his arrival at my front door.

- Thus started the lazy preparation of dinner. Chicken in cream & mustard sauce and... (haha what else?) RICE. That's when I discovered Edwin actually has a technique to how he eats his food (**note to self: he's good at cooking at rice.)

- And then we ended the fantastic Saturday with a stroll around Sydney. *sigh* How I love my city! We re-discovered Mrs Macquarie's Chair and spent a split-second appreciating it, then drove around to the Rocks. It was nice just walking around, looking at the stars, laughing at random things, saying a prayer on the warf, and admitting (quite thankfully) that I'd never be an upper-class high-roller (ask Edwin what that means, because I'm not sure if I even know).

And thus I ended Saturday somewhat exhausted, but with a massive smile on my face.

Woke up this morning and prayed for energy. I was lying in bed looking at old pictures, when I made a deal with God: "If you give me a good day today... I'll... uh... be good." I'm not sure if I stuck to my end of the bargain, but God did. So to end this historical record of this once-in-a-season experience, here are the highlights of Sunday:

1. Singing @ Mass with Tristan and Bec.
2. Raising enough money for a GK house in the Phils, just from the donations from one Parish. WOW. That got me teary - joyful tears.
3. The little boy (probably about 9 or 10 years old) who stood at our donations booth, tipping out the coins from his wallet. He held them in his hand, looked at us sheepishly and offered his $3.30 towards our mision trip to the Philippines, saying "It's not much, but you can have it." That was a crying moment, right there - how beautiful is that?! I hope he knows that his pocket money just paid for part of someone's new home.
4. The little girl (probably 7 or 8 years old), Dian, who approached me after the 6pm Mass to say, "It's really nice what you guys are doing to help other people. I like it." And put her $1 in my money tin...
5. All the babies at the 10am Mass who got my clucky, and reaffirmed my ultimate desire to be a Mum one day.
6. Meat pies, fish and chips and chocolate milkshakes at the beach with Tristan, Sarah and Bec. Waves are always soothing... thank you God for the water.
7. Afternoon siesta after jam-session on drums.
8. Night prayer....

And although life is hardly fantastic, and things have yet to turn around... I'm oh-so-grateful for good weekends like this. Thank you God!! And I should thank the team while I'm here... they're legends, and I love them. THank you Bec for putting up with me, Sarah for spending time with me, Beth who always makes me smile, Box for your energy, Joe for your servant's heart, Lyndon for understanding me, and Justine for affirming me.

To all the people back at home.. I miss you.

Lord, Your love is unfailing... My fear is lost where you are... Amen.

we wrote a song today!

It's called:

"Oh Crappy Day - As Opposed to Oh Happy Day (i.e. a song for when you want to laugh/scream/cry, but still a love song for Jesus & God)"

V1:
When no one understands me
I know that you do
When no one wants to here this (*@#$%!!*)
I know that you do

REF:
And I know that I don't know much
But I know that you'd give me the world
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me

V2:
When no one wants to see me
I know that you do
When I have nothing worthwhile to say
I know that you do

REF:
And I know when I'm feeling too tired
I know you'd take my baggage and give me somewhere to hide
And I know I could give you nothing
But you'd give the world to me...

And today you let me see
It's all for you
Everything I do
This #!%!^ I go through
- Today was... for you.

In the office talking to Joe. "Every day is a learning curve," he says to me. My personal favourite: "God is the lightbulb that follows you around." Gotta love Joe - one of a kind.

i love...

the smell of freshly washed clothes when they come out of a dryer...

currently craving:

Fried Chicken. Was thinking about it at about 6:57am as we drove down Alison Rd on our way to the motor way. Don't know why it popped into my head, but mate it's been on my mind for a while.

Thought I'd come down here for some free time... Slept my way through dinner tonight, and woke up to watch Harvie Crumpet on DVD (strange but somewhat enlightening short film with the guy from the Dilmah Tea ads doing the v/over of a statue... *ahem*) and Desperate Housewives... I've watched more prime-time TV in the past week than I have this whole year (yeah a whole 11 hours of it) - which just goes to show I haven't been in much touch with the world.

And so now... I smell like popcorn (not the best thing to be reaking of just before bed) and I'm wondering if it's worth keeping in-the-know with what's been happening in the world because it's pretty depressing.

I thought I'd announce to the world that right now, at this precise moment of 10:17pm, EST, I'm quite over it. I did a talk yesterday with the SPY kids, and it was awesome being there again, serving them, and seeing them praying, seeing them spend time with God and build up their faith that things to turn out well, that there is a reason behind things that go wrong...

And here I am late on a Monday night after a spiritually draining day... and man... I wish someone would give me that talk. I want someone to sit me down and tell me that it's alright to have your life falling apart, it's alright to be feeling hurt and to miss life the way it used to happen, and it's ok to be terrified, confused, tired, abandoned and torn apart... because that's everything I'm feeling at the moment... but I'm not quite sure that anyone understands why...

My sister's MSN nick is "pretty red nails" and I'm just trying to figure out the last time I even did my nails, did something completely girly, or really had time out, without feeling like it was work... or thinking about when I had to get back to work.. and then I wonder if I'll ever have that feeling again because now that I'm outta school, I don't think it's available... and my only escape is thinking, daydreaming and discussing a future with a someone that doesn't quite exist yet. Hahaha... what a sad, sad bubble I'm in right now. Man I need something sharp.