wishing you were somehow here again...

Sometimes I think this is all just just a joke, and at one point, someone's gonna hit the "pause" button in my life and have a really good laugh. You know.. right in my face, just so I feel the full power of the humour.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so lost lately. Maybe it's the change of season. Maybe it's the change of lifestyle. Maybe it's the change of heart. I don't know what it is, but anyone who remembers what I was like back in the early years of high school, when my friends started drinking and smoking, should remember that I don't cope well with change.

Most people smile and pat me on the back and tell me how awesome it must be to find a job that I love, that life must be great living near the beach, and that it must be fine... absolutely fine. But the truth is, I struggle to crawl out of my bed, I never have time to go to the beach, and truth be told... I miss home.

It's not the house or the bed that I miss... I just... miss having a place that I can sit down and call home. I miss the feeling of being where I know I should be.. coz right now I have no clue where I'm meant to be.

I miss driving to household with Edwin & Nereus. I miss late Friday nights in front of a DVD with Suarez and Gerry. I miss random visits from Sav and Ian. I miss girly sleepovers with junk food and the Baby-sitters Club books with Amardeep and Cobes. I miss Saturday outings with the SPY kids. I miss Peni, Luke and Aron and their theological discussions over coffee. I miss hugs from Gemma, Lisa and Fay. I miss odd conversations with Tony and Matt. I miss laughing at Fr Warren's idiosyncracies and goofy mistakes. I miss being inspired to do something new and brave. I miss having someone with direction and drive leading me to something bigger and better. I miss lying on grass and staring at the lake with a pile of uni books next to me. I miss the feeling of accomplishing what feels impossible. I miss the feeling of being in God's embrace when I'm walking down a busy city street. I miss lunch at Hyde Park with those scary ibis birds. I miss late night deep and meaningfuls at retreats. I miss one-on-ones. I miss childish romances. I miss the feeling of discovering something new.

I miss that peace that comes from knowing that you're doing what you love to do... and living the life you're meant to live.

And that peace... it feels so far away right now.

I have this strange, sickening deja vu of when I said yes to this guy who asked me out, thinking that he was everything I could ever dream of having in a man... but realised within a week of being together, that being with him wasn't what I wanted at all.

I guess there are some things that look great but taste wrong.

It's sad because I am to afraid to hope now. I'm too scared to trust people... and I'm too scared to tell the people who I need to tell exactly what it is I'm thinking when they ask me how I am...

So where is the Joy that was so determined to do this? Where is the wild, untamed and adventurous soul that would serve without sleep and give without counting the cost? Where is the passionate speaker... dynamic and convicted?

If you find her, please tell me, because she's missing and has been for quite some time. Her replacement is running out of batteries.