Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I'm sick. I know that may not be news to some (I'm generally a pretty sickly person - I've never had a strong immune system). Today it was something fluey... for a week I've thought it was hay fever... but I woke up today feeling like a truck had run me over and left green mucus-like debris in my nose. Even after two doses of antibiotics it still hurts when I cough... or laugh. My lungs just don't like breathing right now. I am cringing at the thought of going to work tomorrow... so I probably won't. Not out of laziness, but simply because if I take the 2 hour commute to my desk and stare at my screen for 8 hours, then travel another 2 hours to get home, I will hate both myself for wasting 4 hours of my day when I could have spent them recovering, and end up hating my boss and my job for making me feel that wasting that precious recovery time was necessary. Therefore: better to rest up and work from home (if I actually wake up and find muscle energy to get out of bed), than waste a day staring at the screen, Facebooking.

On a much more happier note, my Dad turned 70 today (or yesterday, since it's already past midnight). It was such a joyous and funny occassion; Caitlyn is the life of the party, and we enjoyed all-you-can-eat seafood at Four Points Sheraton, near Kings St Wharf. Then we did the whole present-opening thing at my place... which was just as entertaining. By the end of the present-opening and photo-taking I was hungry again... despite having downed about 10 oysters, a lobster, salmon, salad, chicken with tomato pesto sauce, and an entire plate of chocolate desserts. (I was so excited when I got to the restaurant that I forgot to take my medicine... which in retrospect wasn't such a bad move because I think it made me throw up my lunch this afternoon when I took my first dose.)

I also wore the $60 dress (Sunday's impulse purchase, that my Mum tried so desperately to make me return, for fear of my credit card bill. When I told her I didn't actually use my credit card but my savings instead, she was even more mortified), and to my dismay realised it shows a hellavalot of cleavage. (Not that that will stop me from wearing it.) I bow my head in shame because my wardrobe is definitely sporting a larger range of clothing that show off more and more skin - E.g. the pin-striped (short) shorts I bought last April for the trip to NZ that I vowed only to ever wear when swimming have now become regular shopping attire. Last time I wore them out, Ian asked me "Joy, where are the rest of your pants?"... then he complimented me on my tan, so I wasn't particularly phased by the first comment.

I'm thirsting for a swim and the beach... but time has not allowed for such luxuries. I'm sure these joy-giving pleasures of my Summer-loving life are not too far from the corner. In the meantime I will remain content practicing for the Act of Faith performance (yes, I'm in a band and yes, there is an embarrassing gig scheduled in for November 10... or maybe 11... don't know), taking silly photos of Caitlyn, and hanging with my boyfriend... who is getting sweeter and more hilarious by the day. E.g. last Friday he got my tickets to watch Australian Idol live (sweet) and he also baked me chocolate muffins (sweet, but also hilarious -this is an in-joke that we have). I feasted on these scrumptious muffins for breakfast for two days (they only lasted that long - that's what happens when you live with two other girls.

There's also CLP on Fridays (something like... 5 or 6 weeks to go... oh my gosh; that's a bit crazy). I still can't believe I'm joining Singles for Christ. For years I was a faithful YFC-er; a leader even... but SFC? The name is both off-putting and misleading... and every time I mention it to someone I have to calmly explain that it's not a singles club - it's just the young adult version of YFC. i.e. "Singles" meaning not-married people/time of adulthood that can be dedicated to both exploring faith and serving others etc. etc.

And that's my life thus far. I keep telling myself I should:
1. Pray a lot more than I do. I'm getting REALLY lazy... which is bad... bad for me because prayer is uplifting and calming and much more productive than impulse shopping.
2. Start writing my book!!! Voices and thoughts and paragraphs form in my brain but never reach the paper. I've gotten so lazy in the last few years, and I feel like I haven't done anything truly creative in AGES.
3. Do something truly creative.
4. Stop complaining about my job... even though it is honestly such a great source of stress for me.
5. Save more money (i.e. refer to point #1)

I'm sure there are pah-lenty of other things I could do... but that's it for now. The night dosage is kicking in and I'm starting to breathe heavily... need sleep...

Sunday, October 28, 2007

the rest is still unwritten (la dah di dah)

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT F*N EXHAUSTED DIDN'T SLEEP TIL 6AM THIS MORNING. HAD AN AWESOME DAY AT FOX STUDIOS, WHCH ALMOST ENDED IN ME THROWING MY WORK LAPTOP AGAINST THE OFFICE WALL AT CYS HOUSE BECAUSE IM JUST SO OVER THIS WHOLE PROJECT WHICH I HAVEN'T RECEIVED MUCH HELP FROM. I'M PISSED OFF BUT TRYING TO STAY CALM - WISH I WAS ASLEEP BUT NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM BECAUSE I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WORK AGAIN; THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY. ON A POSITIVE NOTE I ENJOYED A LAMB SOUVLAKI ROLL WITH TZATZIKI DIP (YUM!!) ON A GOOD (BUT NOT EXACTLY GREAT) NOTE, I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS. I AM SUCH A SUCKER TO PEER PRESSURE; IT COST E $59.95 BUT REALLY IT'S ONLY WORTH $5.00. OH WELL. STRAPLESS, WHITE WITH A BLUE PATTERN; PERFECT FOR THE BEACH IF I EVER GET AROUND TO GOING THERE. WORE IT WHILE I PRACTICED PLAYING GUITAR TODAY; MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY AND CAREFREE WHEN I'M WEARING IT... OH MAN I CAN'T STAND WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE SOMETIMES - I NEED TO FIND A MORE SATISFYING JOB VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's lunch time already (12:30pm). There is a 20month old baby (cutest thing I've ever seen) asleep on my bed, and it took me about 2 hours of my morning to get her into that peaceful state of slumber.

I keep procrastinating because I really DON'T want to produce this video. *sigh*
Now I'm hungry.
No Joy... don't eat lunch yet. Start the videos already!

I have a sudden craving for sago.

Before I log-off and beging the inevitable task of pulling together a few chapters of a promotional DVD, I thought I'd share a perfect moment of my weekend. (Apologies if this offends anyone who expecting myself or the boyfriend to help out at the GK One Day stalls yesterday... whoops!)

Spent yesterday afternoon after Mass sitting in Edwin's living room. His parents bought us kebabs for lunch and at about 2:30pm I was lying on his green couch reading the final chapters of the Marian Keyes book, Edwin had just finished the graphic novel prequel to the Transforms movie and was sitting a seat away with his feet up reading an I.T. mag, his mum was in the kitchen while his dad was in the rumpus room and both were reading different sections of the weekend newspaper. When I glanced up from the book my heart stopped for about ten seconds as I realised what a disgustingly perfect scene this was... Sunday afternoon in the coolness of a family living room, reading in peace, resting after a spectularly exhausting week, with unbreakable quiet. No screaming, no random requests to get something done, no pressure to be anywhere else or exert any energy.

SCARY.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

"Why can't we love the right people? What is so wrong with us that we rush into situations to which we are manifestly unsuited, which will hurt us and others? Why are we given emotions that we cannot control? That move in exact contradiction to what we really want: We are walking conflicts, internal battles on legs, and if human beings were cars, we would return them for being faulty."
(p.188 "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes)

I'm sitting at work. 5:06pm, and I don't feel like getting on the train home just yet. Thursday evening... I could go shopping, but I've told myself to get over the need of buying something new for the sake of feeling secure, accomplished, or sexy. Materialism is just way over-rated. I've bought pair after pair of new shoes and don't feel any more wanted or any more loved than the next girl.

It's been an interesting few weeks back in Sydney. I would say that I miss being in Italy, but I don't. I'm enjoying being able to live in and accept the reality that is my life. I work full-time, and I know ten years from now, I will not regret spending two years of my life in this organisation or doing this type of work. I've learned a lot about how to deal with difficult people, how to build up good leaders, how to listen and be genuinely concerned, how to be thick-skinned and to the point when someone is messing with me.

I've also learned also learned that political games are full of bullshit and anyone who allows themselves to get suckered into the shit (especially AFTER they've been warned about losing all sense of value or morality) is an idiot.

I'm enjoying this Marian Keyes book because it's honest. There's a character in there (Jojo) who is having an affair with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there is something that she loves about the way he wants her. I read this book and think about the lives of these imaginary characters (all of whom I've developed a fondness of because I relate to all of them in one way of other, even though I've never had an affair with a married man).

At one stage Lily Wright asks: "Why do we have such a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite one for pain?" I was walking to work this morning (late - again), I decided that this world is obsessed with sex because sex is physical proof that our bodies were made for pleasure. We have an inbuilt desire to be held, touched, loved, kissed and wanted. Generally, people don't want to walk around sad, distressed, depressed and alone. They want to be missed, desired and pined over... and when you get into a relationship with someone and realise that they want YOU... well - what a compliment. Not to say that sex is the answer to depression - if anything random sex with random people is eventually going to give you the opposite conclusion. You'll end up asking, "Why did they stop wanting me?" or "Why did they walk away?" or "If they were sincerely interested, why haven't they called?" and all the pointless insecurities that Satan likes to play games with will rise to the surface and instead of feeling loved you'll feel rejected, sad, distressed, depressed and alone (again).

So what to do this this desire for pleasure and satisfaction? What does one direct their energies towards if not a shallow, temporary union of two bodies in a passionate embrace? God only knows.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

TodaY:

From door to desk: 2.5 hours. Traffic down the M7 was horrendous, and the WHOLE M2 was congested too. Yeeshk. Sucks when you think of how you could've just slept in and arrived at work at the same time... Far out. Lucky I prayed my guts out for parking.

I forgot: To bring the cable to convert the video footage I was meant to edit today. GARGGH!

But: It was hot today (gotta love the heat), and I get to have dinner on a fancy schmancy cruise... and possibly see Fran (YAY!) and *sigh* I'm just... wanting to crawl into bed right now.

Liking that: I had dinner with Eddoes last night and we watched Transformers (again). Glad we can bond over childhood memories like that.... hahaha.. my playfriend!! *spew*

I think I need to go for a looong ass walk down to Circular Quay.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

all of the above.

I'm a Facebook addict. It's disgusting. I'm ashamed, but at the same time... I'm not really ashamed, because everyone's a bloody Facebook addict. I blame everyone else, because everyday my inbox is full of notifications, requests, pokes, TopFriend add-ons, new growing gifts, invitations to add an aquarium, a fake Mojito or a beer, tagged photos and photo comments.

No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.

I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.

Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.

I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).

At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.

I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...

I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.

And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?

Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?

All of the above.

And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

this weekend

Yesterday's impulse buy from Surf Dive 'n Ski (Harbourside shopping) was a black Billabong bikini. I've succumbed to the beach-babe wannabe in me... that desire to look stunning on the beach, despite the risk of exposing uh... the not-so-flattering (or public!) parts of my body.

The weekend flew by... and now I'm wasting time uploading old-school HSB photos on Facebook... with the desire to embarrass (and pull the heart-strings of) the surrogate family that once was mine all those years ago. How was it we used to see each other every week (religiously!), unpack the issues that came along in life during those university years, and still find the energy and heart and passion to serve hundreds of students every year? I wonder what ever did happen to those kids we used to speak with, befriend, laugh with and feel humiliated by each year..

I did, however, manage to clean out my room. You have no idea how big this achievement is - my room hasn't encountered the vacuum cleaner for quite some time. I had the choice to stay under the doona... or do the truly right thing and get rid of all that dust hiding beneath the doona and the bed. *sigh* I also decided to re-organise my wardrobe (bringing out all that Summer gear baby!), and part with my useless girly magazine collection (a waste of space, time, AND money... damn you makers of Cosmo and Cleo!). Wasting my hard-earned moola on mags that make me feel both insecure and in need of a make-over is the one vice that I've yet to truly surrender. I can't believe how often I'll fall into buying those things just for the sake of having something glossy and colourful to read on the train ride home. (very rarely I stumble across a decent story in there... more often than not I buy it so I can check out Jalba and wish I could look like her in a similar but much cheaper looking outfit).

I also realised today how many books I have accumulated over the past two years. It's dangerous working so close to Elizabeth's Bookstore (a second-hand book store on Pitt St.) It was bad enough going to uni ten minutes from Koorong (back when I was a Mac student)... then I lived five minutes away from Borders last year... and now I'm up the road from a perfect little book store with CHEAP books... (today's bed-side friend is a Marian Keyes chic-lit novel - "The Other Side of the Story").

Yesterday:
Watched Miss Saigon production at Lyric theatre. Rewwrrr to Jen Trijo! Good job man - what a legend. She did really well! It was a sweet present; we had awesome seats, Eddoes bought me ice cream during the intermission, and we strolled the harbour afterwards, had dinner with his parents, and then had a lazy evening (the best evenings are the lazy ones).

This morning:
Jonna rang!! YEEEAHAAAA!! She's back! Man I've missed her.

Today:
My man rode his bike around the neighbourhood and said hello. I... laughed at his helmet hair. :)

Saturday, October 06, 2007

I remember the reasons why I started this blog:

1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.

Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.

Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!

Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...

Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.

But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).

Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.

I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.

Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:

a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.

And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

lasagne, fried chicken, and some lemon-lime and bitters

It's too hot in my room. So I've opted for the kitchen - quite convenient, coz I hadn't eaten dinner.
Bought a second hand book today from Elizabeth's Bookshop (on Pitt St) - had a choice between Paulo Coelho's "Pilgrimage" or a chic-lit book. Went for the chic-lit because I'm not particularly in the mood for deep and profound.
In the mood for complete nothing-ness and laziness and... for my boss to give me leave to go to New Zealand with my boyfriend's family.
I got called in for jury duty (received the letter today in the mail) - this is the fourth time in the past 8 months that I've been called in... it's getting a bit much (they always ask me when I really can't...the last excuse was that I was in Italy - obviously wasn't going to cancel the trip for a court case). No excuses this time; it's some time at the end of October.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

one of those ones...

Aloha Summer weather! Tomorrow is meant to be one of those beautiful Spring days that make me yearn for December sunshine (30-something degrees). The days are getting longer, the dresses getting girlier, the tan getting darker, feet getting smellier (gross but true), and the dreams getting deeper.

I am too lazy to blog these days - partly because by the time I get to my bed I'm too lazy to put on the appropriate sleep-time clothing, let alone wait for my laptop to boot, log-on and think of things to write.

Today, though, we had household at Jane's (a rarity in my life), and it was... good... to vent. At times I felt like I was getting the same answers I've always gotten - but at the same time I new the reason why it felt that way - because those answers are true; and they will always remain true.

I have been lazy at work since my return from Italy. Actually no - that's not true - I've been realistic (and there's a difference). When Edwin and I were on our way home from last night's Theology on Tap session @ PJ Gallaghers, I told him the reason why I haven't produced the videos that were meant to be produced two weeks ago is that I am no longer prepared to kill myself over something that clearly isn't worth losing sleep, quality time with family & loved ones, or my sanity for (let alone my life). If there was anything that the Loreto experience taught me, it was to embrace the parts of my life that I have been so guilty of ignoring over the past twelve months.

By "ignoring" I mean "not giving due attention to" - I am sick of not giving proper attention to the things in my life that give me... (hahaha) joy.

So... I have spent the last three weeks working my 8 hour days; going home when it was time to go home; resting when it was time to rest; spending time with my neice and my boyfriend when it was time to give them my time; cleaning the bathroom and toilet; folding my laundry instead of letting it pile up and making my room look like a disaster zone; washing and vacuuming my car; giving out gifts from overseas; catching up with friends (even though sometimes they aren't always sober when this happens); riding my bike; enjoying the first few talks of the Singles of Christ CLP... doing the things I ENJOY... as opposed to giving every ounce of my energy to a job that neither demands nor deserves that type of sacrifice.

Faith is at its best when it can still exist in the real world - in the midst of real life. (Or... at least that's what I told Jane on Facebook)

The past few days I have struggled with the question: What makes a Christian lifestyle more rewarding than a normal one? Why live the Christian values and suffer being ridiculed or shunned for having these values when their are millions of people who either ignore or don't know of these values and seem to be enjoying their reckless lifestyles? Being a Christian doesn't shield me from being hurt, abused, depressed, broken, in dept or tempted. If anything the challenges become harder... so why choose it? Why live it?

I won't publish tonight's household answers here because I can't be bothered. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, however, because very few people can answer this one. A quarter of my country's population are "Catholics" (this according the latest census) but only a handful will stand up for values in the public sphere.

Is it fear of starting an argument?
Fear of losing the argument?
Fear of having the argument?
Fear of not knowing what to argue?
All of the above really.

Most, if not all, discussions (I prefer to use the euphemism - forgive me) need to be brought out into the light so that more than a handful of Catholics learn how to answer that questions I have been struggling with for the past few days.