the best of me

The number one rule, before starting a talk, is to pray about it. The irony of my current situation is that I am in a church, but I feel so far from God. Far because I feel like I've been thrown into a pit and I'm wasting all my energy trying to get out, when really I should just breathe, relax and wait for the hands to reach down and pull me out.

But it doesn't feel like those hands are coming any time soon.

Right now I'm feeling exhausted. People calling me for help. People asking for my advice. People wondering why I can't give them enough time. People yelling at me. People slamming doors at me. People trying to exploit me. People trying to challenge me. People waiting for answers that I can't give. People taking my energy. People using my space. People locking my doors. People smothering me. People ignoring me.

God... that day when the disciples were out in the storm... and you felt this way... you sat down and prayed. The least I can do... despite my lack of time... is to follow your footsteps up that hill... and do the same...

* * *

I had a GLP seminar at uni today about "servant-leadership." The speaker wasn't what I had in mind, but he did say a few things that stuck, and made me feel a bit better. The first was that he emphasised that any form of people-work is tiring. More-so than any other work. Having to be there to respond to others is hard... it's taxing on the emotions.

I'm angry too. Angry and upset... and really disappointed. Sometimes I want someone to understand why I feel these things, but I don't think anybody on earth will. So I sit, close my eyes, and think of the only person who seems to understand... and he takes my hand and makes me reach for the piece of wood dripping in his blood, and then I remember... "You died so I could live..." and then I realise that I have to get over my seflishness and get on with the tasks I was assigned to do.

But I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy.

It's hard. It's exhausting. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am confused. I am lost. I have nothing left to give. None of my time, none of my energy, none of my ability... all I have is YOURS... and that's all I can offer.

This is me at my worst, but Him at his best.

God's natural face cleanser

He called tonight while I was on my bed surrounded with tissues, my nose was totally clogged and my voice was muffled and nasal. And despite all the emotions and hurt and confusion that was gurgling in my head and in my heart, all was at peace when I heard him say "hello" and we still had one of those magical conversations about nothing. By the time he'd finished his apple and I'd finished eating dinner and we'd gotten off the phone, I was smiling again.

I'm not quite sure why I'm still awake because God knows how exhausted I am. What I am sure of though, is that God also knows that I cried a lot of unnecessary tears tonight. And He played a big part of easing the tidal waves that seemed to crash all the way up from my chest to my nasal passage, and through my eyes onto my cheeks. There is no doubt that God can calm any storm.

Currently Reading: TIME Magazine, July 25, 2005. No.29. & A Gentle Thunder by Max Lucado

It’s 2:04pm. It’s deadly quiet in the office today. Jim keeps walking out to get a glass of water and commented that it was like a tomb in the back office because everyone was out to lunch. It’s one of those “definitely Friday” days because it seems like everyone who’s walked past reception desk feels ridiculously exhausted and keeps answering to my “How’s your day going” queries with, “Dreadful”, “Exhausting”, and “Terrible!”

I’ve just finished a well-written chapter by Max Lucado. It’s a bold and powerful statement he makes, and I thought I’d sit and ponder about it… because it fits in well with the thoughts in my head at the moment.

I bumped into Caroline on the train the other day and spoke about her work in Canberra and was explaining to her the work I do – going into high schools and running workshops, the youth work, the voluntary (and expensive**) retreats, the national leaders conferences, mission visits... It’s a satisfying life, but simply exhausting sometimes. I often wonder about and pray for the people who are committed to their full-time work and their service. It’s a miracle that their bodies don’t collapse from the copious workloads and tremendous lack of sleep.

My mum always comments on whether or not I believe I’m superwoman. I guarantee her that I’m not, and tell her that being a full-time employee, full-time student, part-time youth worker and voluntary HPV all mean nothing compared the responsibilities that come with being a full-time daughter of God.

I’ve grown up in the era where the likes of Walt Disney, Roald Dahl and C.S. Lewis shaped my ideals. Right now we live in an era where the children growing up with the likes of Harry Potter, MTV and mega-supermarkets like Westpoint shaping their values... not to mention they grow up surrounded by the fear of ‘terror’ – and there seems very little acknowledgement of the need to stand up for one’s ideals… perhaps there’s even been a loss of idealism itself. A large part of me thinks it has been replaced with blind apathy.

After the London bombings on July 7, followed by the second wave just last night, some people pointed the blame at anything and everything that could possibly justify why anyone would commit suicide and bring hundreds to their suffering. Blame it marginalisation, unwarranted retaliation, or lack of communication… or if you want simple and naive excuse, blame the roots of martyrdom – religion.

And you know what? There is startling evidence that backs up each excuse – people have argued for years that the Koran contains texts that justify the punishment of those who defy God. Oxford students will tell you that marginalisation, real or perceived, diminishes self-esteem and will lead anyone of any religion to despairing suicide. And who wouldn’t want to retaliate after the American’s left boot-prints and bloodstains all over Arab soil?

The combination of naivety, anger, patriotism and strong-felt beliefs has unfortunately left this generation with far too many losses – loss of life, loss of family, loss of faith, loss of trust, and loss of compassion.

What saddens me the most, though, is our startling loss of conviction. People are afraid now to stand up for their beliefs, for fear of being proved too radical. It’s a sad reality but it’s the people who choose to stand up with a social conscious that are often shot down.

Though entirely wrong in terms of their actions and irresponsible repercussions, there is something still admirable in the heart of a person who is willing to die in order to show people what they believe in.
I think, though, that the challenge today is not whether or not you would give up your life for the sake of your faith, but rather… if you would choose to live it.

I don’t do my work because I want to change people. I never can and never will change anybody. That’s not in my power, and it’s simply not my job. I don’t do my work because I want to convert them either. Even the strongest of all Catholics have made their fair share of mistakes – none of which can be judged to be better or worse than the next religious leader.

No… I do my work because I want to live what I believe in.

I think it’s an absolute tragedy that the only time most of the world will choose to open their eyes and perhaps open their hearts is when an act of terror is committed. I’m not surprised that people are setting off bombs because it seems like the only time people will stop whinging about their lives and think about other people apart from themselves is when they see other people suffering. Especially when the people are close to their homes or close to their hearts.

It would do a lot for people to realise… that we are making people suffering every time we choose to sit passively instead of taking an active stand. For every time we are angry instead of forgiving. For every time we do something for our own selfish interests, instead of our selfless love. For every time we decide to take the easy way out, instead of choosing to stick out through the difficult times.

He filled the world with food, but we blame him for the hunger. He keeps the earth from tilting or the arctic from thawing, but we think he doesn’t care. He gives us blue skies and we demand rain. He gives us rain and we demand blue skies. We blame him for the suffering, but we haven’t done anything to ease it ourselves.

Instead we get on the train in the morning with death on our faces. We get angry at the customer service operator for not understanding our problem. We belittle the check-out server who’s been standing there for five hours as if we were better than her (or him!). We spend hours at work earning money, but spend only minutes with our children earning their trust. We read the newspaper on the train about the lives of people who are on the other side of the world, but refuse to smile at the person on the other side of the carriage.

We ask – why can’t this world be at peace?!

I ask you – what are you doing about it? Aren’t you part of this world too?

tired digressions

I was listening to the "slow jams" play list and heard "I Will Be Here" by Gary V and almost started crying. Hehehe...Ehp - and it totally escapes my mind as to why!

Last night was the first SPYRC meeting of the new term - SPYRC 05-06 has begun. Twas a fun and productive meeting, and it looks like Friday night's sleepout's gonna be good fun! =) I also think that the words "digression" and "distraction" will be SPYRC's favourite and most-used words this year.

Today was a good day at work - despite the slowness - there were a lot of small things and compliments that put a smile on my face. I started reading a great book on the train - so heartwarming and inspiring.

Total side-track: John Mayer calls exclamation marks "bang poles." Go figure. Only my room-mate could think of telling me something like that. I put this in because it's annoying when people don't punctuate properly. Ok ok, I do it too - but the main annoyance is the overuse of exclamation marks. It get's annoying! Especially when people put them everywhere! They end their sentences with them! And say pointless things! And think it's exciting! But it's not! (You see what I mean?)

And right now, someone like Fr Warren or Marife will start calling out "digression!" because I've waster 90 seconds of my life typing that paragraph.

It feels good to be in bed, and now that I've reminisced over today's golden list of blessings (Max Lucado book, coffee and V, free biscuits, sunshine in the morning, nice people at work sending me stupid messages that keep my smiling, Fiona and Jonna's phone calls, getting TIME magazine in the mail, the train-trip and drive home with Sav, dinner with my family, straight hair, cheeky sms txts that encourage European weddings (eh?!), my bed, having Net access, the ability to think, breathe, choose, live, blog pointlessly and LAUGH, the complexities of teenage angst, being able to laugh at my own day-by-day emotional dramas, the photos on my wall etc etc... the list goes on), I kind of wonder why I even feel down at all.

It's only small, and after I explain the state of my heart here, I shall choose to get over it and wake up tomorrow smiling:

I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of opening old wounds. Afraid of giving when I have nothing left but brokenness. Afraid of reality. Afraid of what might happen next. Afraid of the things I can't control. Afraid of the emotions that are causing tornadoes in my head. Afraid of being swept away by things that just don't make sense to me.

You think I'm always composed. The posture I have is simply facade. Don't be phased by the way I speak or the things I've accomplished. Deep down inside I'm just as vulnerable as you. I have a past. I have my history. The pages have been spattered with violent ink with stories that create their own set of tear stains.

Most of the time I let go and let God. That's the only way I survive. That's the only reason why the pages of the story are bright again. But every now and again, the events turn, and the wind blows back a couple of chapters... and the past comes knocking. And all I can think of is how much it hurts and how I wish I could cover up those paragraphs with white-out.

And tonight is one of those nights... when the fear of being hurt pushes me to the edge, and I am reminded that I have choices to make. Choices that escalate the risks. To be or not to be... Shakespeare wrote. To tell or to hide, to hope or to despair, to push or to hold back, to be open or to build walls, to dream or to wake up to the cold waves of reality...

And speaking of dreams... it's time to go to bed. I'll be over it by morning. =)

legend of the *!$&!% fall

Is it just me or do you also think that the fact humans call it "falling" in love kind of reflects the sheer grandeur of our stupidity about the concept? I mean... why liken God's most powerful creation to that off something hurtful and disastrous? ... *looks around and realises there's no one in the room to answer* ... I guess when its not administered in the write dosage or method, love can have some pretty melancholy side-effects. And I've had one too many mishaps, might I add.
Today I was told something I didn't want to be told. Brought up the past, brought up the heartache, brought up the possibilities. It's not often that I cringe when I hear the term "possibility" but when the risk of getting hurt grows exponentially when the "possibility" of someone resurrecting from two years ago comes flying back... I can't help but feel sick to the stomach.
And then of course there are those possiblities about certain that you know should seriously stay in the back of your head, crushed below all the other things that you just don't state in public spaces. E.g. How it felt in the toilet after eating too much, the times you've needed to pick your nose, the people you've pictured in their undies etc.
I guess my only consolation is that with the possiblity of the failure comes the possibility of success. God was generous and clever by making everything happen in opposites - day/night, black/white, land/sea, question/answer, light/dark, right/wrong... ah... yet right now my head is full of logic and nonsense that can't seem to separate itself from each other.
Like Ian, I'll stay vague about this particular predicament, simply because teasing out heart-strings in the public sphere is an invitation to tangled mess that no cat would want to play with. That, and it's more fun when things are kept in secret.

I think I'm just exhausted. Today at CFAL was excellent. I don't seem to fit into the corporate sphere though. I think I'm a westy by heart... looks are deceiving I tell you! Day #2 will be interesting - I'm going to need one enormous coffee to get through a 8:30am-5pm shift and have a council mtng at 7:30pm.

It never ends does it? So much to do, so little time. So much to feel, not enough ways to vent it. So much to ask, not enough answers. So much confusion, not enough sense. So much temptation, not enough self control.

And then it hits me like a brick in my stomach - none of that is true. GOD IS ENOUGH.

A wise turtle once said ... it comes with the territory. Yes... and I chose to walk this path... so who am I to complain about the interesting scenery?

My fetish for late nights

It's like I have an inability to sleep early. It's really quite frustrating. But even though today was exhausting both to my body and my credit card... I can honestly say that I'm happy. Happy because God manifested himself in so many ways today, and I like knowing that He's looking down on me... even when it's hard to get anything on my "to-do" list done...So before my week-long corporate assignment starts in the City tomorrow, I wanted to say...

Thank you Lord for your smile in my friends. For the glint in their eyes. For the warmth in their hugs. Thank you Lord for your concern in my family. For the guidance in their words. For the care in their directions. Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. For the tingles in my soul. For your peace in my mind.

Despite the trials that I know will come ahead... help me to soldier on.

Protect my mind with my helmet of salvation.
Protect my heart with my breastplate of righteousness.
Protect my dignity with the belt of truth.
Protect my soul with the shield of faith.
Send me with my boots of readiness.
Sharpen my sword of the Spirit.
Build up my skills of prayer, fasting, humility and especially... LOVE.
Create in me the best follower, the best servant, and the best child I can be...

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER.

SMILE BIG!!!

Ooh what a morning! Though I'd pop in and say HELLO - GOD IS SOOO COOL!
You know what I said about the sun shining for you?! Ehp! This morning was freezing! =) But God totally provided... Was walking to Office Works and the sun peeped out of the clouds... =) and suddenly I was taking off my two jumpers and enjoying the warm Winter atmosphere... (and to think that was once a paradox - "warm winters")

Today's lesson: SMILES are the most attractive thing about people - even strangers. When people smile at me, I feel like that luckiest person alive. And I think that's why I like smiling at people... Don't care if gives them the wrong impression!

Smiles remind me that there is happiness even in the small happenings of everyday life / smiles remind me that God is in each person / smiles make people more attractive ... and the list goes on.

Keep smiling today people - there's plenty of blessings, amidst the busy-ness, amidst the sadness... how do I know this? Because heaven exists - and our job is to prove that to people.

exponential stupidity to the infinity!! =|

Oh Joy you are such an idiot. Without a doubt - one of the stupidest girls to walk the face of the earth.

Ehp. So...

She: Sends a message that is sooo not supposed to be sent to the person who received it.
He says: ???
She says: It's coz God does beautiful things and plans exciting things that get her all happy... (or something to that effect - go check my outbox)
He says: What's so exciting?
She says: (to herself) If you only knew, then you'd be pulling me out of the grave I just dug myself into.

******

Today was a variety of strange things. One of the highlights was lunch at Towers with Jay. Our conversation over Malaysian style hokkien noodles and strawberry ice-tea was both thought-provoking and led me to a few insights about my own beliefs on what "TRUE LOVE" is.

- Love (contrary to popular belief) is not about feelings. Unlike love, feelings don't last. Anger, happiness, tiredness, hopelessness, tension, excitement and curiosity are feelings that come and go. You can be angry because of a bad day, but one conversation or act of kindness can tip that feeling to gratitude or happiness. Feelings aren't solid; it's in their nature to change, just like we do. But love, along with faith and hope, lasts forever. Love transcends the shallowness of feelings.

- The English language cheapens love. We use the same word to describe our fondness of ice cream and to describe the way we feel about God, our family, or our cars. The Greeks had the right idea when they came up with five different words for "love". Today I told Jay about the 3 main "levels" of love... from attraction, to friendship and brother/sisterhood, to dying to yourself. It's obviously more complex than that... but to learn how to love, one should know the nature of love.

- Love is about sacrifice. It's about humbling yourself to the point of irrationality - not for the sake of a show, but because you truly believe that in sacrificing your own desires and your own plans you are doing what's best for the one whom you love.

- Talk is cheap. Saying "I love you" means nothing if it can't be backed up with action.

- When it comes down to crunch time, love is all about choice. What differentiates humans from animals is our ability to make choices. We are responsible for our decisions. We decide how we act, how we respond to situations, how we give, how we communicate, and what we achieve. When we hit the fork in the road and need to decide whether or not something is worth fighting for the choice belongs to no one else but ourselves...

- I believe true love manifests itself when someone is ready to risk LOVING even when they might not be loved in return. I reckon that if your choice to fight for someone is based on the prerequisite that they will choose to fight for you too, then that 'love' is cheap and selfish. Choosing to fight for someone even if they choose not to fight for you is the mark of truly selfless love. That's the love on the cross.

DAY IN AND DAY OUT, WE DON'T CHOOSE GOD... We reject him when we don't stand up for him, when we choose sin instead of salvation... AND DESPITE ALL THIS, HE CHOOSES TO LOVE US ANYWAY. And no, we don't deserve it... but that's the beauty of true love. Those who receive it don't deserve it, but it will be given anyway.

*******

My prayer at the beginning of this year was that God would teach me how to love. I'm still a novice, and believe I'll remain at training level until the day I die... but it's an exciting process. And even though I was asked the gut-wrenching question yesterday, the answer in my heart made me realise that every challenge and hurt I experience as I learn love's valuable lessons will be justified when I discover what it is I'm searching for...

Were you willing to give up something you already knew you had for something you weren't sure you could even have?

estúpido Dummkopf!

I'm one of those people who makes lists. I love my lists. I even go the point where I colour code them. Depending on the contents, things are alphabetised or sorted by level of urgency. They also have to look neat, so that I feel more motivated to complete the task. And things have to be ticked off or crossed off neatly too.
Lists make me feel like everything is under control. They give me a sense of stability and composure. Lists are rafts in the middle of seven stormy seas. Lists pull my thoughts into a legible format and make my dreams and chaotic ramblings understandable. Lists sort out rationality from emotion.
In short, they are the anchor for everything else inside me that is, in its natural state, chaotic.

My current dilemma, however, is that I can't rationalise at the moment. No matter how many lists I make (and believe me, my mind has made them over and over again) as to why I should stop making the stupider and stupidest decisions of my life... I can't fight the urge.

Currently the battle is between my head and my heart. Surely, someone out there has experienced this before?! When your heart defies all logic and persuasive rhetoric that your mind emits? What did you do? How did you solve the problem? How did you compromise?

Your mind tells you that the cliff is dangerous, but your heart yearns for the view, for the thrill, for the feeling of the wind in your air and the sound of your voice echoing across the valley.

Your mind tells you that the water is too deep, but your heart craves for the chill of the water, the adventure amongst the waves, the boldness of the current, and the elasticity of the liquid as it wraps itself around you.

Your mind tells you that science explains the blue sky, the warm breeze and the whisper of the wind, but your heart convinces you that the sunset was painted for you, the light is shining on you, the breeze is flying for you and the music in the trees was composed by the God who loves you.

Your mind tells you that the world is too big and the problem too complicated, but your heart argues that love can conquer all, that determination is sufficient, that faith can move mountains, cure illnesses, survive disasters and change lives.

Your mind tells you it isn't possible, but your heart hopes that it is.

I am learning that there is nothing quite as vulnerable as a heart full of unexplainable hope. It is the same type of hope you see in the eyes of a baby who discovers something new for the first time. It is the same type of hope you see in a child who is standing at the entrance of a lolly store for the first time. The competitor waiting for first place to be announced. The girl breathing nervously, waiting for the first kiss. The man on his knee, holding a ring, making his first real commitment. The couple waiting for their first baby.

Unexplainable, but beautiful, hope.

No list can rationalise. No list can justify. No list can explain, change or calculate pure hope. The hope that stems - not from logic - but from love. Not from the mind... but from the heart.

I feel like a fool when I think about my hope. Vulnerable, stupid, irrational and completely obtuse. All of me is conflicted between the facts that my mind already knows, and the dreams that my heart refuses to let go of.

Tell me... is it stupid to hope? When you know in your mind that what you hope for in your heart makes NO sense... which voice do you listen to? Or are we all doomed to stay foolish in our hopefulness???

in the stomach with a brick

Have you ever received news from someone and when the words fell into your ears and registered in your brain it felt like someone had thrown bricks into your stomach and collapsed your internal organs?

That was me.

Feels refreshing to be on the receiving end of heart failure.

flash-back-tracking (sorry this entry's pointless)

Once again, late night blogging.
Today I cleaned my room. Wow... I didn't even know mountains of dust like that could exist in small suburban bedrooms (The things you discover during the holidays - WOW.) But my floor is vacuumed, my books are alphabetised, my notes are in folders, my scarves are hanging prettily and I can finally see the surface of my desk. YAY!

Tonight Ryan came over and we watched snippets of the REV dvd on my laptop. Koodos to Karen's Dad - what a legend. Can't wait to see the whole thing on Sunday. Hmmm... and we talked about the camp, about crushes, about challanges, and about life in general. *sigh* I love the simplicity of quality time.

Meanwhile, how is it that I suddenly got ten million times busier once uni finished this sem? Or maybe I spent more time blogging when uni was on because I just wanted to procrastinate... hmmm... I'll avoid that theory.

July has already brought with it a whole heap of memorable stuff... (and here's a summary... in order of appearance)

1. Last day as receptionist at PCA. First day of July was the end of torrential rains - YAY! Perfect day for flying on Virgin blue to Brisbane (how exciting!) McDonald's at Domestic airport with Z, Edz and Cathy was maad fun. Z is one thought-provoking bloke, and for that I admire him. Sat next to two funnee guys on the plane who were on their way to Suncorp stadium for the rugby. They started trying to tell me about footy and I fell asleep during take-off. Woke up just before we landed and they'd already gone through 2 cans of JB & Cola... laughter. =)

2. Conference. Where do I even begin? The weekend was life-changing to the point that it deserves it's own blog site! But praise God for the beautiful weather, the powerful sessions, and the quality time I got to spend one-on-one-ing with my besties......It was during that weekend I realised that true love is a complicated thing... nevertheless, it's worth fighting for and treasuring. =)

3. In the cabin with Bunny, Jane and Jons. Taking photos...girlie-talk and jokies about stoopid boys... ;o)

4. Pray-overs on Saturday night. *sigh* All the hugs and words exchanged... only God can tell what's going to happen next. =)

5. Sunday's bright sun and the delayed flight back home. 5 hours at domestic airport doing cross-words, eating potato wedges with sour cream and taking pointless photos of the tarmac. Fell asleep on the drive home.

6. Sleeping in on Monday. =)

7. Luna Park on Tuesday for Lisa's birthday with a whole bunch of SPYers...

Now that was funny. Especially the photos on the train, the Happy Birthday vidz to Nez, listening to Cass and Maureen scream on the ferris-wheel, and writing gibberish with Cassie and Charmaine. Ask Charmaine for the priceless photo of those 2 on the Wild Mouse... something to show their grand-chidren for sure! ... oh - and hip...hiphop... hiphoppapotAHmoose. =)

8. Wednesday: A whole day of hanging with one of my best mates after him being away for a week. *awww* Happy Birthday pooface! I helped Dad, Ryan, and Nez changed the tyre of our Land Cruiser.

I figure such an achievement demands a feeling of pride. Hehehe... Mass at Parra was funny because the priest was late. And how funny was the chic who straightened my hair? Fell asleep that arvo on the way to work... but all in all, bludging sure is fun.

9. Late night drive in Jay's Euro. *roawwrrr* I love that I know a boy who will always open doors for me and be a gentleman. If he'd stop swearing, it would've been more fun. Through him I am learning the important lesson of being ready to cop burning wounds when one decides to fight for love. It's cool that even though we aren't blood-related, he treats me like his sister. He knows how to keep it real and knock sense into me... especially about who and what I deserve. ;o)

10. Thursday was a maaad day with my mission partner. Drove to the airport to pick up the NZ luvers (haha... sorry - couldn't help it) and had brekky/lunch at Colloes' with Rae and Ody. Then a couple of hours hanging with Ivy & friends (awwww) and then off to work. (fun fun fun!)

11. Dinner at Tony Roma's. What a crowd. How mad was that room with the fire place?

Talk about blessings - the walk to Passionflower was classic. Ask NEz for one HOT photo with me and 2 Asian tourists from Auckland. And then an even better one with him and 2 tough Italian guys and the lights of Sydney harbour as their backdrop.

12. Friday - fluey symptoms from night-before ice-cream. But it was worth it. Another arvo at work trying to finish off talk for Saturday's camp training. Finally... a night at home... and late night calming conversation with someone's oh-so soothing voice. Hahaha... (blargh!)

13. Early morning wake-up call and last-minute trip into the office to print out my talk. Interesting mornz with Ava driving Brian, Edz and I in Jug's new roadster... (thanks for the fake crossiant Eddoes!) =p Had awesome camp training with God's chosen army. Got pumped and excited for the camp - keep it in your prayers plz! Met Ben, Ivan, Jano, Lorenz, and Steph... =)

14. Night out in the city with SPYers, Fr Warren and the mini-bus. Good timez! Maj-I was an interesting* experience... hehehe... and Axle Whitehead wore the same clothes the next day when he was live on Video Hits. Hahaha... I think the best part was just being with the SPYers. They know how to make me smile, without even having to try. =) And then of course the tingles I got just before we left... *sigh* Can't wipe the smile off...

15. Sunday morning on the phone *whoopeee!* then made way through the gale-force winds to Luke's for pandesal breakfast just before Mass singing. Good times! Saw the cutest baby in front of us during mass... all chubby with blue eyes and gorgeous smile. Me and Colloes... Hahaha... cluckiness of the strange sort. Totally fell in love with the idea of motherhood.

16. Trip to Towers with Rina, Edz, Nez and Suarez... that was classic. Yum Cha lunch for Ody's 20th bday was awesome - serzly! Mango dessert, fried chicken, stir-fry noodles... and try eating jelly with chop-sticks.

17. F4 with Rae, Jasmine and the boys. 2 hours of Jessica Alba "and the boys"... hahaha... enough said.

18. Star City with the 04-05 SPYRC and Fr Warren. *sigh* exploiting the endless source of prawns, all-you-can-eat pasta, pizza, salad, seafood... aww and MATE! DESSERT! (Ask Tony how many ice-cream buckets he went through)... The security guard who took our photo was cool... The funniest was the lolly shop. Hahaha... I found popping candy!!! I LOVE POPPING CANDY! ... that and out of the 8 of us, Fr Warren was the last to leave the store.

<

19. Getting up this morning and not knowing where to start with this blasted room. But I'm quite proud of my achievement in cleaning it. It looks the same, but it feels cleaner. Except for maybe Ro1's side... she just has an inability to stay neat for longer than 5 minutes.

20. Knowing that I can go to bed with PEACE. =)

My favourite. Simple... and sweet ... ;0)

the end of an era

I'm ridiculously tired, but I've wanted to blog all week. There have been times in the car when I've thought of a really witty title to head the interesting conundrum or adventure that God's allowed me experience... but now that I'm here with a blank screen in front of me, I can't think of anything good to write.

First, happy birthday to all the july babies - Nez, Suarez, Sav, Annie, RJ, Jo, Raymond, PJay, Lisa. Luna Park and Tony Roma's have already topped off an incredible week packed with blessings.

It all started with the conference. Weekends away with hundreds of ordinary teenagers with extraordinary faith are undoubtedly life-changing, but this weekend has hit no.1 when it comes to matters of the heart. What moved me most was how it became so blatantly clear what God wanted me to do with my life. I know he's been whispering to me for quite a while now... but it's at a point on the road where his high-beams are on and the tangled pathways are suddenly beginning to unravel. I had a chance to sit back and really think about what I really needed to surrender, to give up, to take on, to change, and what actions I needed to take. Each conversation during that conference was a God-send - slowly I'm starting to discover the answers that my heart has been yearning to find.

Tonight's walk across the bridge with Ryan was not only funny but insightful - I realised something about patience and true love (ironic, since he's two years younger than me and we spend most of our conversations teasing each other about dreamy relationships that are a good ten years away from really happening). I flashed back to the campsite in Brisbane and the ecstasy of being so close to heaven, and knew at an instant that nothing else could replace or transcend the beautiful feeling of opening my heart and giving it all to God. I remember the tears in my eyes, and the feeling in my heart as I kneeled there on Sunday... and I prayed and prayed with all the energy and faith that was in me that I would be used to spread the very same love that was consuming me right there.

Passionate love is renowned for leading people to do irrational things. Perhaps choosing an unstable career of intangible rewards is irrational, but without a doubt, and with all my heart, I know that every leap of faith made when passionately in love with God is a leap in the right direction.

So here I lie, on a cold Winter night, after a beautiful night out with my best mates in the city, and all I can do is praise God. Praise him for knowing how to provide me with everything I've ever needed... praise him for simple joy... praise him for renewing my hope... praise him for taking my hand... and praise him for taking my life in his hands even though I don't deserve such grace.