breathe

It's a rare feeling to feel on a Friday night - relief. Relaxed. At peace. Usually on a Friday night, I'm feeling phased. Like my hair should be turning grey, or my face should be covered in acne (who am I kidding, my face is covered in acne. Big pimple on my chin... yuck!)

Actually, to be honest, lately I've been going to bed stressed and tired most nights. It's not common to be feeling... uh... wound down? Usually I'm uptight. Worried. Now.. I'm just over it.

Perhaps its because I prayed to God this morning. An honest, angry prayer. Basically I said, "Look, you know I'm always going to say yes to you. You know that no matter what you ask me to do, where you tell me to go, I'll go. So please don't drag me through the mud today. Or please don't make today hard for me. I'm tired. I just want a good day. A day when I don't have to go to bed wanting to cry, and wanting the next day to come already, because the day that just went by sucked. No... I want today to be a good day. And since today is Your day, please make it a good one."

I honestly didn't think God would listen to such a stuck-up, spoilt brat of a prayer. Here I am whinging about my own hates and unhappiness, when bombs are being blown up in the Middle East, where kids are dying from starvation in Africa, and the teenagers of America are being ripped off and exploited by a power-tripping media.

Now that I think about it, life ain't that bad.

But I'm not going to pretend it's fine and dandy for me. It's not. I'm tired. Tired of leading, tired of being wonderful, tired of being accountable, tired of being "the missing link" in so many people's lives. Sometimes I just want to be... uh... how do I put it? Small? I feel insignificant, but usually because my work transcends my own abilities. Sometimes I just want to be insignificant. Not in charge. Not in the lead. Not the source of answers.

Somewhere, in the distance, a very, very distant voice whispers soothingly, "It's ok Joy, you're not in charge. You're not in the lead. You're not the source of answers. I am. So just rest. It's ok."

But the voice is faint, and most of the time, all I can hear are people asking me questions, people asking me to do more things, lead more events etc. etc.

Today, though, did turn out to be a great day. I thought I should record it, before I forget that good days do happen. I guess because I finally took the time to breathe, and remember that I'm not alone. And there are other, more enjoyable ways of serving people (that don't include being up the front, or running activities)... tonight's service involved pumpkin soup, chees croutes, tacos, and a choc-coffee-walnut cake served with choc-chip ice-cream and toffee. I've never cooked up a storm before, but tonight was my debut. And it was a great. Great to see people smiling as they ate, great to hear their laughter in the dining room as I rushed around the kitchen.

And as I wiped down the stove tonight, and stepped back to look at a somewhat-clean kitchen, I was happy. And grateful... because even when it's hard, and even when the work hurts... God reminds me: it's ok. I love you... your family loves you. Just breathe.

Everybody hurts, everybody aches
Everybody fails, everybody breaks
Just breathe
Let it out and breathe

Everybody cuts, everybody bleeds
Every hidden scar is justified -
so breathe,
Let it out and breathe...
Just breathe