stupid weekends

It's not the best feeling when, after hitting your snooze button for the second time and then realising it's already 5:54am, you wake up, and then start getting teary. Despite my extremely emotional side, I'm not one to cry in public all too often, but for some reason, the moment I got to Stand C at Eddie Avenue this morning, little bits of moisture started leaking out of my right eye. I missed my bus to Clovelly by about 3 minutes. So I had to wait another 31 minutes for the next one to arrive. Yay.

So I sat down at the bus-stop, zipped up my jacket (beautiful weather today, but still extemely chilly at 7:30am), and tried to read through the 9-5 magazine that some randowm Asian chic handed to me when I walked out of the station. Articles about fashion icons Christina Aguilera and Helena Christensen didn't offer too much of a distraction. I kept looking up at every bus that swept by in front of me (or at every vehicle that sounded anything like a bus) hoping that it would be one I could jump on so I could wheel my 10kg suitcase up Clovelly Rd, and into my bedroom. All I wanted to do was collapse on the floor (any floor!) and cry. But every time I looked up I was disappointed... so I'd hang my head and try reading again, only to be reminded of the $@**!%) evening I had yesterday, and how stupid, useless, cheap, rejected and idiotic I felt when I walked in my front door at 10:30pm.

Do you know what I mean when I rattle on about having one of those days that you just wish you could re-live because of how stupid you were? The moment T3 was over, I switched off the television, jumped in the shower, and spent a long time soaking up body wash, contemplating how awful it feels to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable in front of someone, only to have them ignore or discard you. Not to say that that's what happened yesterday, but that's sure as hell how it felt when I was lying in bed last night trying to fight back tears.

So yes... it's Monday morning. I officially feel like shit.

Serves you right Joy, you idiot. Stop relying on people to fill in the gaps that only God can fill. Damn it get off your lazy ass, forgive the people who've disappointed you, and get on with it!

But what if I don't want to be forgiving right now? What if I want to stay angry, because I feel like part of my dignity just got stolen, and I want the person who stole it to feel guilty, because THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

Why did you let them?

Good point. *sigh* Serves me right for opening up my heart hey? *raaaagghhhh!!!* God, I hate today.