dear God...

Tonight is probably the official final day of team. Reason being is because one of them is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, so we'll never reunite as one team ever again. Then again, now that I think about it, I haven't been on team since 21st August 2006.

Part of me is happy for them. By happy I mean really ecstatic because they get their freedom - Bec can go to New Zealand, Beth will get a job and start uni in March, and Sarah will also start uni... Joe will.. do whatever it is that Joe does. I'm happy for them because this is a new chapter in their lives, and while the transition from team life will be even more painful than transition into team life, it will be an amazing journey into the real world... carrying with them all the strength, faith, and humour that they gained from fellow team members throughout this year.

Me... I'm in this office... 12:01am, preparing for a presentation that I have tomorrow evening. Fun times. :) That's my fault though... because I haven't had much time to do that this week.

Ha! On a totally bright side, I had the best conversation with Penitito outside St Mary's Cathedral Hall tonight. First I vented to Sarah in the car. One may wonder why I have any reason to vent - but apparently there are plenty of reasons. Valid ones too. Then after venting, I ventured into the hall and found Penitito near a container of biscuits, and suddenly we were venting our similar predicaments... and it felt good to know that I am not alone in this decision-making debacle.

Yes, that's right... I have yet to make a decision about next year. Hence the title of this blog entry... I need some serous God-time to discern (I'm not a massive fan of that word, partly because I'm no good at actually doing it).

So...

Dear God,
I'm a bit kerfuffled at the moment. Trying to figure out what you want me to do, but realising that that isn't the actually the issue at hand. I'm not entirely sure what your will is, and I suppose at the end of the day I don't need to be sure - I just need to do my best at doing it.

So here's the thing. You're will be done.

Here's the state of my heart: I miss Caitlyn. I miss her happy smile and being able to experience, pure, hilarious and beautiful love from her. I also miss having the time and opportunity to actually develop good, solid relationships with the people in my family. I'm always working weekends, ridiculous hours, and I'm always exhausted by the time I drive home. So what's the point of all of that exactly? I'd also like to see my friends... help them plan their weddings, the arrival of their babies. I'd also like to have a day free to go on a second date. You already know how long I waited for the first one - and now I'm making him wait before he takes me on a second one? That's not good.

I miss the SPY kids.

But most of all... I miss being part of a community. A place where I could receive nourishment... where I could receive love(!) without feeling so damn guilty for it. Now that team is all splitting up and going their separate ways, and I'm still here... it's kind of.. umm... weird. Because there goes my sense of community. Buh-bye... No parish community out here because I'm always visiting a different one every week. No sense of belonging... no sense of... family.

I miss having weekly meetings with my household where we would talk about life, vent about work, uni and all those random things.. and just enjoy being young.

I miss being in my 20s... because the people I work with expect me to have the strength, abilities and detachment as they do... but they're in their 30s. And their experience beats mine hands down.

So now I'm kind of stuffed. Totally and utterly stuffed. Because I love the job, I love the work I get to do, I love the people that I get to meet... but I don't love not feeling like I belong here.

I want to go home.

Please take me to heaven... I kind of miss you.

Amen.