thank you for being you...

Just came back from the SPY Christmas Party. Check out the pics –

they finally had the masquerade ball that they always wanted.

Anyhoo it was a great night all in all… I’m having a lot of fun being all girly, curling my hair… etc. etc.

It’s tough… going back and falling in love with the community again. It’s something I’ve really missed while being at CYS – having my own community. Somewhere to call home, something to belong to, to feel welcome at, to be part of and to participate in. I guess at the end of it all, everyone really is just yearning for a family where unconditional love is free, not earned..

It was fun tonight because that’s exacty what I felt that whole time. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone, didn’t have to think of anything clever to say… just started conversations and it felt like we all just picked up where we left off. Not once tonight did I feel like I had to try to be anyone but me. And they welcomed me back with open arms – quiet literally. It’s nice to walk into a hall full of people and be greeted with sincere smiles and happiness. It’s nice to feel missed and appreciated and loved. It’s nice to meet new people again… (but I still suck at remembering names…) It’s also nice to dance to really funny music and not feel like a complete idiot because people who can dance better than you are eyeing you. Tonight the group us surrendered all pride and sanity and totally went wild with sparklers to ridiculous songs from Grease, Steps, Beyonce, Aqua and Justin Timberlake. Admittedly, that’s a very… uh… eclectic taste in artists, but it didn’t matter really. We just wanted music and an excuse to move our bodies.

Sadly, I think apart from the SPY parties, the last place where I’ve totally gone off and lost myself in a night of dancing would be a high school disco. (That club is Prague doesn’t count because it was hot and stuffy and everyone was way too close.) Every other time I’ve been out, part of me stiffens up and refuses to go wild because I feel like people who know me (or perhaps don’t know me) are judging me. Odd because at least 80% of all the people at the party tonight would’ve been in high school or recent highschool leavers, and they’re supposed to be the most cynical and judgemental people. Not tonight though. Tonight we went off. (Just like the yr 8 disco at Bowman Hall… how funny). At one point, all us school leavers (some recent, some not-so-recent) grabbed partners and danced the heel-and-toe (strange that we remembered it) and Phil and I attempted the Canadian Three-Step (a dance we definitely did not remember well enough). At least no one stood on anyone’s toes. And even if we did, we’d be too busy laughing.

So now it feels like I’m home where I belong. A year in absence definitely made my heart grow fonder for these kids… I ought to write them Christmas cards and tell them just how much I’ve missed them, and how much I really do love and appreciate them, and want to thank them for giving me a spark again.

I wonder how long the spark will last and if I’ll lose it once I get back to the office. At this stage it’s a tiny little pilot light at the very bottom of a very cold, dark chasm of confusion and self-pity. I’d like to say I’ve mustered enough strength (or faith in God and his heroism) to pull myself out of the pit that I’ve dug, but not today. Today someone is just shining that torch around and letting me know that yes, there is a way out. I just hope that torch has enough battery life in for as long as it takes me to start climbing.