four crumpled tissues

Sometimes I feel really sorry for my boyfriend. Tonight is one of those times. I'm like one of those novelty paper weights that sit on rich people's office desks. You know the one with 5 or so magnetic balls hanging from a metal rod, and when you pull one up and let it hit the next one in the line, the ball at the other end swings, and vice versa...

It's like my sad mood is one ball, and after that ball goes for a bit of a flight, the happy one bounces up, but once that one comes flying back down, the sad mood is back up again. It's like emotional ping-pong.

[On top of that analogy, I also feel as though my intelligence (or perhaps lack there-of) is sometimes treated as though it were simply a novelty... someone that big bosses just supervise, or speculate over... someone not worth enough money to actually receive attention, let alone a smile.]

All that aside: poor Edwin. He came over for less than an hour this evening, half of which I spent sulking because I knew he was leaving so soon. And when I finally warmed up to his caoxing and affirmations all I did in the other half of his visit was leave a patch of damp tears on his shoulder because all the nasty feelings and hurt and blah blah blah that I was trying to hide behind all my apathy (all of which had nothing to do with him of course) came rushing out. And so the poor guy... I wasn't even mad at him, I wasn't even disappointed in him... but he had to cope with all my emotional overhaul as if it was all his fault.

If I'm not suicidal by July 2008, I can only pray to God that he isn't either.

What a week. It's Thursday night and I'm bloody tired. Again, I'll attempt to get to work early tomorrow. I've been attempting the last 4 days, and each attempt has failed miserably. Each attempt is actually getting worse and worse.

What totally confuses me is that I don't even know what it is about my job that makes me so tired. Is it the 2 hours of travel time getting there and back? Is it all the phone calls? Is it all the emails? The organisation of people? The meetings? The trying to think creatively? The random requests for information or time? The busy-ness of the corporate building? The unsmiling faces? The busy-ness of other people? The absence of my boss?

Or maybe it's just me, and I just can't handle everything on my task sheet. The task sheet that has its own icon on the Quick-launch menu on the Taskbar on my new HP nx6320.

All these new things. New computer. New clothes. New car. New job. New experience. New building. New people. New friends.... raaaarrrhhh..

I wonder if... when my life (if! my life...) stabilises, I'll get bored of everything being the same and want everything to be new again. If that does actually happen, may God somehow point me to the direction of this BLOG and remind me... life is hard when every week something new pops around. Life is hard because life is bloody tiring.

And I am bloody tired.