sleepless nights

I heard Professor Hayden Ramsay give a Catechesis the other night to a bunch of teenagers. When he finished I was bawling my eyes out, but he said a few things that really struck me. Towards the end of his talk, he was telling us about the fundamental truths and ideas that we have a right to know. Off the top of my head, these ones I'm writing were the ones that got water-works started. They were:

1. You are not just a blob of cells stuck together in a body. You were created in a miracle of love by God, through the love of your mum and dad.

2. Sometimes you feel really alone, and that you're trapped. That's ok. You can feel those things, but you're going to spend the rest of your life walking out of that trap, and out of that desert - and straight into paradise.

He said a few more things that really humbled me and made me remember what it is that I'm doing all this for. Sometimes it's so easy to forget. Sometimes it all becomes work, and I forget the significance of WYD and think its all just one event after another... then a Professor gives a talk on a Friday night... in a hall that is literally full of teenagers... and I'm reminded that we are the heroes of the Church today. That one day, centuries from now, the Church will remain and the faithful will live on because of the work that we do to keep Christ alive in the hearts of those who believe in him...

Hmm... what else did he say?

I'm paraphrasing here, but I like being reminded: It's all well and good to have fun. But life isn't about fun. Life isn't all about feelings either. If it were, we'd be in a big mess. Sometimes we feel miserable, but that doesn't mean God is gone. Sometimes he working in you so deeply that you can't understand or comprehend it. It's often in these darkest moments that he's doing the greatest work. And it's only when he's finished when you get to see the masterpiece.

And of course...
When Jesus died, he made his friends really miserable. They didn't feel great at all. Why did he die? I reckon it was to give us a message, and that message is simply: If you love with all your heart... if you give your whole self and love with your whole life... then the world will crucify you. They will get rid of you. But... you will rise again. And in your rising, you will give others tremendous hope.

Christ conquered death. Which means no matter how dead you feel, he has the strength to conquer whatever it is that's killing you.

****

Atm it's 3:17am and I can't get to sleep. I don't know if Ella's mum made me really strong coffee (normally it doesn't last 5 hours though) or if it's just the gazillion things that went through my mind tonight, or the fact that I finally had a good conversation with girls the old-school Nagle family that once ruled my heart... who knows.

I really do hope that they tell me when things are happening, or that I get invited out to their get-togethers. It's so easy to slip into the habit of not making an effort to catch up with people... to let the time-consuming events of my life eat up the quality time I could be devoting to the people who made me who I am... God it was great being in Kamella's kitchen and listening to Nat and Mary Anne tell me about their lives. It was fun being able to open up in conversation and share the wisdom that 5 years out of high school and offer.

Yikes. 5 years. Before we know it it'll be 10 years... and suddenly high school days when we used to laugh about sex, bitch about boys, throw tantrums about teachers and stress about blotchy skin will be a faint memory. Although I'm sure when we're 30-something, we'll still be laughing about sex, bitching about boys - who by that time should be men, but still aren't, throwing tantrums at teachers - who are not teaching our children properly, and stress about blotchy - or perhaps wrinkly, sun-damaged - skin.

I'm trying to remember what I thought I'd be doing at 22 years of age, back when they asked the 17 year old me. Back in June, 2002 I was thinking about uni preferences... and I'm pretty sure the final draft for my Extension 2 English major was due. Oh God.. that story about Carson London, Rei Phuong, Kayla Summers, and Mario... something. The 4 split personalities of the schizophrenic me all rolled out into one postmodern story about the journey to self-discovery. Pfft... 5 years on and I still don't know who I am, and I probably have more personalities than back when I was 17.

Can I admit at least just how funny it is to be able to say I'm a law-school drop-out. That's right folks - ex Captain, dux (whatever you wanna say about high school achievements) dropped out of her law degree, graduated from a (bludgy) media degree... and is no where near working in that industry.

The lesson is: only God knows where your life is going, so you may as well let him drive.

Sometimes it freaks me out. I think about marriage a lot - which is odd because Edwin and I don't plan to get married any time soon. I think it's even more strange to have found the one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with... but have no idea what else I plan to do with my life. No thoughts on career, where to live, how I plan to earn money, what I'll do post-WYD08. In the deepest depths of my heart I know that planning such things doesn't matter (it's just like those blasted uni preferences, which stresses everyone out during yr 12, and at the end of the day, it means very little). But it's not the planning that worries me. It's the goal-setting (these are two essentially different things). One must have goals before one makes plans.

So what are my goals?

I don't know.

Which is why I'm freaking out.

I figure marriage has been on my mind because it's one of the few things that are on my goals list. Apart from that, I'm a bit lost. Odd for someone who's supposed to be ultra-smart, successful and career-orientated. Odd because I know that the only thing I know I definitely want is a husband and a family. Give me someone to love, and some kids to raise, and I'll be completely fulfilled. Everything else is just accessorising. This is quite a controversial thing for me to admit, because part of me still doesn't want to accept that my vocation is ultimately marriage. I mean... the Joy that grew up to be independent, adventurous and somewhat crazy is still trying to come to grips with the realisation that the person she has become has become this person to eventually be united with another person (hopefully the one who's in bed at the moment, about 1.2 km away, snoring peacefully with his Nokia resting near his head because he fell asleep on the phone with his girlfriend, who happens to be up at almost 4am, blogging about how she wants to marry him one day).

If I play my cards right, I'll hand the cards to God and let the future fall into place. Career, husband, home, future, retirement plan, travel destinations - the lot. But the control-freak (Rei Phuong) section of personality likes to know the next destination... the next item on the agenda.

Blah. The endless cycle of useless thinking that is keeping my mind buzzing.

Again... I think I need a holiday.