the time to buy tomatoes

Listening to: Clothes Off by Gym Class Heroes

Reading: MTV Italy - Go See Play

Wearing: Macquarie Uni hoodie, grey trackies

Body is: Weighing about 5kg less than usual. I don't know if my final bridesmaid's dress fitting this Sunday will do justice to what is usually slightly larger than a stick of a figure. I blame it on the stress.. and while some of you might resent the fact I can lose that weight in the a span of 4 days without a ridiculous lemon-detox diet or some other fad, I hate it. Unlike most girls, I actually get a complex about weighing too little as opposed to looking too fat. Guess I'll have to wait til I get to Napoli and stuff my face in the home-town of truly Italian pizza - I won't be stressed then.

Hmmm.. body is also freshly showered (unusual since it's around midnight), smelling like Dove moisturiser... toes are hurting from Sunday's City 2 Surf (bad choice to wear old runners which were half a size too small), nails are trimmed, and hair ready for a cut tomorrow...

Mind is: calmer, especially after delegating all my unfinished work and leaving the office at 6:50pm. It was pretty creepy being the last person in the Terrace Suites (unusual feeling, since the Operations Team is usually pulling overtime). At least now all I have to worry about is making sure tomorrow's hen's night makes Jonna feel incredibly special, that everyone has a great time, finding something to wear to dinner tomorrow night, that I don't forget to pack anything when I finally get around to it on Sunday, that everything fits into my borrowed suitcase, that I don't get a bad tan-line on my European adventure (bridesmaids dress is strapless), that the instructions I left for Vincent are clear, that my boyfriend doesn't fall asleep at the wheel on the way to tomorrow's 5am fishing trip, that my parents don't get the shits with me for not spending any time with them before I fly off on Monday, and that I survive 4 days on my own on the other side of the world.

I think people forget my trip to Italy (which begins on Monday) is a business trip. The first 4 days of my stay are purely personal (hence why I made sure I booked in a visit to Pompeii and Capri)... but the remaining 14 are WYD related, hence, classified as work.

What worries me most (and I know this is ridiculous, since worry gets you NO WHERE), is that when I get back at 6am on Friday 7th September, not only will I be met with APEC level security at Sydney airport, I'll get back to my place, snooze for a few hours, go to Jonna's wedding rehearsal & dinner, spend the next day preparing for her wedding, celebrate with all the sparks, excitement, euphoria, joy and pride that comes with watching one of your closest mates get married... and hit the desk at work 9am on Monday 10th. Talk about being wrecked.

I asked Edwin what I should try to dream about tonight, and he phrased my deepest, sincerest wish so innocently and perfectly: "Dream about not having to do anything... no to-do lists, no places to go, nothing to worry about... just you, me, and no work." Haha... poor guy. He's feeling the pressure at work too. Nice to know he can empathise when I say, "After one problem gets sorted, another one just comes before I get to breathe!" I.T. support... nerdy but admirable.

It kinda gets depressing when the realist in me figures the only time this dream of having nothing to do next will happen is after we retire (sorry Joy, wait another 45 years minimum for that one to come true)...

Last night brought my count of emotional break-downs within one week to a record-breaking 4. My dad had sent me to mail a few letters and buy tomatoes at 10pm and I drove to Edwin's to pick up his suitcase and spent about an hour sobbing and muttering incoherent gibberish because my brain hurt, snot was coming out my nose, and my face was smushed with tears. I had to stop and laugh while he was praying over me, when he said "Lord, please help Joy's brain stop hurting. She needs it..." Oh God love the guy... he didn't even mean to be stupid OR funny.

The third emotional break-down was in the car after Wednesday's meeting, when I felt completely useless, incompetent, and angry. One of my pet hates is not being listened to. It's such a degrading insult when someone talks over you, interrupts you when you're sharing an idea or your struggles, or just decides that whatever words you may have spoken don't deserve any response (except maybe a huff, or a look of incredulity... is that a word?)

The second was a few minutes before the City2Surf started and I decided I was completely unequipped for the 14km run I'd so eagerly signed myself up for. As I stood in the middle of the crowd of 60,000 runners/joggers/walkers and waited for the race to begin, I had the overwhelming desire to be at home, in bed, and NOT pushing my body to endure 3 hours of exercise when I hadn't done a single 30min set of ANYTHING in 6 months.

The first was Friday evening, after a gloriously sunny Winter day of filming in Sydney CBD.... during which I was exhausted, raggy, cramping, and I'd lost a very important piece of a brand new, expensive HDV broadcast camera AND my Nokia headphones. When I got home, Caitlyn lovingly greeted me with a nappy full of smelly poo (which I happily changed because I love her, and her hugs totally make up for her smelly nappies), collapsed on my bedroom floor and cried.

Crying has been a regular habit for me (maybe that's how I've lost weight? Hahahahaha....) I have yet to find a cure for what seems to be an endless cycle of tasks and resentment for the people who add things onto the end of my task list. It gets really depressing when I start wondering if this is what life is really about.

My soul is broken and I can tell, because there was a time when I NEVER would have wondered if life is such a tiring tragedy. I'm hoping with all my heart that this 18 day stint in rich, Catholic Italia will somehow awaken my senses to something much more inspiring, exciting... and... well... joyful.

Precisely two years ago I was in Cologne, Germany. It was the most exhausting and trying week of our 3.5 weeks in Europe, but by far the most fruitful in terms of faith. And just as silver must endure the hottest flame, I too know that this darkness just means I'm in the process of refinement. (grrr)