I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you.
[John Smith]
ho·ly (hō'lē): (adj)- Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred.
- Living according to a highly moral religious or spiritual system.
- Specified or set apart for a religious purpose.
- Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct.
- Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence.
- To dedicate solemnly to a service or goal.
- Dedicated to a sacred purpose; sanctified.
****
For a while it felt like I was sick of being accountable to people - sick of being known, sick of giving what I feel I no longer have... sick of having the Wonder in Wonder Woman...
I figure I bring the exhaustion on myself - so really, there's no one to be angry at except me. Yesterday, Edwin and I were sitting in my backyard and I had nothing left to say. I was stressed, upset, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling useless all at once. We just sat in silence, because I was sick of giving instructions, sick of giving orders, sick of having to know what to do all the time... and for once, I just wanted to not have to do all of those things, and I wanted someone to take the reigns and lead for a while. So we sat there and he tried to figure out what to do to cheer me up... thankfully it didn't take long for him to realise that when I'm in a hopeless mood, a simple hug will suffice.
This afternoon we had hot chocolate and sat on the couch watching The Simpsons - the perfect cure for a rainy day. I am thoroughly grateful for our conversations about our human-ness: the fact that big warm jumpers are the best, the fact that someone's past will never define them, the fact that girls in make-up don't always look prettier than girls without make-up, and the fact that even though there are some people who may have the ability to do everything and anything, they still need to be taken care of, babied, loved and looked after.
And as he said goodbye again, I couldn't help but wonder how it is that such a patient and understanding person could wonder into my life without my deserving it. Sometimes it blows my mind; the way God outdoes my prayers. I figure the people who don't pray fervently are the people who have completely overlooked its power. Seriously though - so many of us turn to friends/family to help us through things, to help us achieve things and blah blah blah... but who better to ask, than the one who can do ALL things?
Right now I'm in bed, trying to wrap my head around the major decisions that I've been asked to pray about over the next couple of weeks. If you read this, please say a quick prayer for me - that I will be able to discern what I need to do so I can fully give everything to God, because that's what He keeps on doing for me, so it's the least I can do for Him.
I watched Pocahontas today. Not the most historically accurate Disney movie, I know, but it sure got me thinking. She sings:
What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water 's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend
I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
just around the riverbend
For me...Coming for me
I don't know what God has in store. Sometimes I feel like he's asking me to do the impossible... sometimes I get frustrated because I know following Him involves leaving things, people, dreams and other such wordly things behind. But then I think... this is God. Nothing beats Him, what He gives and what He can do. And every time I've said yes to letting something go, he brings me to a new level and replaces my emptiness with a sense of overwhelmed joy... or peace... usually both.
Then I remember the beauty of being holy... of being consecrated. Set aside for a particular purpose. And not just any purpose... but God's purpose. His service. His goal. His annointing. When you're answerable to so many people, trying to lead, guide, serve and support them, it's easy to forget that God is the real BOSS. The only one I'm truly answerable to. So this current battle in my head and heart will be nothing compared to what adventures, victories and triumphs lie ahead. Just around the river bend...
I figure I bring the exhaustion on myself - so really, there's no one to be angry at except me. Yesterday, Edwin and I were sitting in my backyard and I had nothing left to say. I was stressed, upset, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling useless all at once. We just sat in silence, because I was sick of giving instructions, sick of giving orders, sick of having to know what to do all the time... and for once, I just wanted to not have to do all of those things, and I wanted someone to take the reigns and lead for a while. So we sat there and he tried to figure out what to do to cheer me up... thankfully it didn't take long for him to realise that when I'm in a hopeless mood, a simple hug will suffice.
This afternoon we had hot chocolate and sat on the couch watching The Simpsons - the perfect cure for a rainy day. I am thoroughly grateful for our conversations about our human-ness: the fact that big warm jumpers are the best, the fact that someone's past will never define them, the fact that girls in make-up don't always look prettier than girls without make-up, and the fact that even though there are some people who may have the ability to do everything and anything, they still need to be taken care of, babied, loved and looked after.
And as he said goodbye again, I couldn't help but wonder how it is that such a patient and understanding person could wonder into my life without my deserving it. Sometimes it blows my mind; the way God outdoes my prayers. I figure the people who don't pray fervently are the people who have completely overlooked its power. Seriously though - so many of us turn to friends/family to help us through things, to help us achieve things and blah blah blah... but who better to ask, than the one who can do ALL things?
Right now I'm in bed, trying to wrap my head around the major decisions that I've been asked to pray about over the next couple of weeks. If you read this, please say a quick prayer for me - that I will be able to discern what I need to do so I can fully give everything to God, because that's what He keeps on doing for me, so it's the least I can do for Him.
I watched Pocahontas today. Not the most historically accurate Disney movie, I know, but it sure got me thinking. She sings:
What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water 's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend
I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
just around the riverbend
For me...Coming for me
I don't know what God has in store. Sometimes I feel like he's asking me to do the impossible... sometimes I get frustrated because I know following Him involves leaving things, people, dreams and other such wordly things behind. But then I think... this is God. Nothing beats Him, what He gives and what He can do. And every time I've said yes to letting something go, he brings me to a new level and replaces my emptiness with a sense of overwhelmed joy... or peace... usually both.
Then I remember the beauty of being holy... of being consecrated. Set aside for a particular purpose. And not just any purpose... but God's purpose. His service. His goal. His annointing. When you're answerable to so many people, trying to lead, guide, serve and support them, it's easy to forget that God is the real BOSS. The only one I'm truly answerable to. So this current battle in my head and heart will be nothing compared to what adventures, victories and triumphs lie ahead. Just around the river bend...
***
Oh Father... how I want to trust you, instead of letting all my fears overwhelm me. Help me to build a child-like faith. Faith that trusts in you, strength that relies on you, courage to say yes to you, and love that gives everything for you...Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment