1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.
*******
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
*******
I found a crate of things from World Youth Day that I'd stashed under my bed when I got home from the trip and forgotten about - until tonight. A couple of painstaking hours of sorting resulted in a bulging purple photo album full of everything but photos - ticket stubs, boarding passes, postcards, toilet receipts (yes you lose a lot of Euros just because you need to empty your bladder), food coupons, train tickets, prayers from the gazillion churches and cathedrals that we visited, and the "We Will Rock You" program from London. And all of a sudden it's past 2am. How did that happen?
Now I'm figuring out what I'm going to do in my remaining five days. Lets see now...
- there's the filing that I just don't want to touch.
- getting ready for uni (i.e. buying my books... OR getting Nereus to buy my books)
- preparing the agenda for the SPY camp
- writing the Christmas/New Year edition of "inSPYrd" - my final editorial hoorah of my first every regular youth publication (exciting or depressing? I don't know...)
- Finish Edwin's "farewell" gift which was meant to be a Christmas gift but was delayed in its completion
- BAKE COOKIES
- Celebrate the New Year (hmm... no big plans.. anyone got suggestions?)
- Learn how to cook something other than cookies
- Apologise to my roomie for being such a bitch tonight. I don't think I've ever brushed her off like that... but I'm just sick of not having my own space. Nez warned me that since I'm going to have pah-lenty of space next year, I should be careful... but sometimes my emotions need to be breathe. And since I feel so suffocated every time I'm home, I try to escape as often as possible. I wonder how long it'll take me to get home sick next year??
- Write looong thank you letters to my mates. I found three letters that I got just before I left for WYD (actually, I received two before WYD... Ian's letter arrived on the cruise ship somewhere between Rhodes and Kusadasi c/o of Mush) - and suddenly I had heart-pains. Heart pains because I was never good at embracing change... and next year, it feels like a lot of things are gonna change.
Things not to forget to bring:
- Eeyore stuffed toy that reminds me fondly of the three boys that pitched in to buy it for me for Christmas last year... *sniff*
- A pillow
- A laundry basket
- Guitar picks
- My sanity
- Humility
Things to leave behind:
- Enormous collection of unnecessary handbags
- My comfort zones
- This awful fear that seems to be growing more and more everyday.
*******
Dear God, I feel like I'm waiting I've been standing on the pier for an awfully long time. I'm starting to get a bit sea-sick. I keep watching the waves with the hope that they carry me away... but at the same time I don't want to leave the safety of this harbour. I don't want to wave goodbye to the shores. But I promised I would... and I made that promise knowing that I'd be letting go of a lot. But why did it have to get harder? Why is there more to let go of now than there was when I made the choice to board this boat? Why couldn't I have just packed my belongings and all the strings attached to this heart of mine a month ago?
Please remind me that you're travelling with me. That you're holding my hand through all of this. That you and I are making this voyage together and there isn't a moment in this where I'm alone. Sometimes I feel suffocated... and at other times I feel so isolated. I feel like I've lost you in a crowd. I got distracted and let go of you, and now I'm wondering how I lost you and why I was stupid enough to let go. The discomfort and the panic is starting to sink in. I see familiar faces, I hear familiar voices... but right now... all I want is You.
Please take my hand again. Take me into your arms and let me crawl in there for a while so I can cry. If you want, feel free to carry me onto this boat... because I don't think I can walk onto it alone. My confidence is shaky, and I'm scared I'll lose you in the crowd again.
And that's just it... I don't want to lose You. I don't want to walk away from You. I want to hold onto You as tightly as I can, and take this journey with You. So please take my hand again. Take my heart and all its brokenness, its fears, its dreams, its hopes, its aspirations... and replace it with all that You want and all that You plan. Map out our voyage using Your directions. I'll let You choose the people who'll join us on this boat.
Please take my hand again. Please take me home.
Your Joy.
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