all of the above.

I'm a Facebook addict. It's disgusting. I'm ashamed, but at the same time... I'm not really ashamed, because everyone's a bloody Facebook addict. I blame everyone else, because everyday my inbox is full of notifications, requests, pokes, TopFriend add-ons, new growing gifts, invitations to add an aquarium, a fake Mojito or a beer, tagged photos and photo comments.

No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.

I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.

Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.

I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).

At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.

I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...

I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.

And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?

Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?

All of the above.

And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.