I remember the reasons why I started this blog:

1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.

Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.

Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!

Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...

Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.

But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).

Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.

I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.

Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:

a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.

And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.