warning: this is a whinge fest

What does one write in a critical appraisal when they're pissed off at everyone including themselves? This is the final step for me this semester, and I can't seem to lift my feet and do it because just thinking about our major project pisses me off. I think about how much it sucks, how much it could've been better, how I could've put more effort into leading the group and blah blah blah. Basically there is very little to praise, but a hellavalot to criticise.

Aron says: take it as a learning experience. This is what happens when you don't give your all.

True true - very wise words Master Jedi. I was reading letters from old friends yesterday. Laughing at some statements, cringing at some promises, and smiling at what once was strong, committed and very naive "love." I asked myself: "What the heck happened?" We used to write emails all the time. We visited each other, hung out, talked about really stupid things for hours on end, and shared the deepest darkest secrets. We used to pray together, have worships, go on pointless adventures and quests... we were best friends! What happened?

And then the answer rings loud and clear: This is what happens when you don't give your all.

It's an ugly feeling, when you think "What if I'd tried harder? What if I had given everything?"

And then I ask myself why I didn't try my best back then, and the answers usually don't seem justified. In the case of this major, I think I just stopped caring. But now I do care... and it's too late to fix the damage. How depressing. So now I need to start this thing. It's not due til Friday, but I refuse to be riddled with the guilt of leaving it to the last minute. I want to be free....

I feel though, that the problem isn't my fault... but I still have to cop the hurt for it. Man - why is that? Why do I have to pick up the broken pieces after people drop what they promised they'd carry? Why can't people just be responsible and is it ok if... just for a short while... I don't have to be?