tired digressions

I was listening to the "slow jams" play list and heard "I Will Be Here" by Gary V and almost started crying. Hehehe...Ehp - and it totally escapes my mind as to why!

Last night was the first SPYRC meeting of the new term - SPYRC 05-06 has begun. Twas a fun and productive meeting, and it looks like Friday night's sleepout's gonna be good fun! =) I also think that the words "digression" and "distraction" will be SPYRC's favourite and most-used words this year.

Today was a good day at work - despite the slowness - there were a lot of small things and compliments that put a smile on my face. I started reading a great book on the train - so heartwarming and inspiring.

Total side-track: John Mayer calls exclamation marks "bang poles." Go figure. Only my room-mate could think of telling me something like that. I put this in because it's annoying when people don't punctuate properly. Ok ok, I do it too - but the main annoyance is the overuse of exclamation marks. It get's annoying! Especially when people put them everywhere! They end their sentences with them! And say pointless things! And think it's exciting! But it's not! (You see what I mean?)

And right now, someone like Fr Warren or Marife will start calling out "digression!" because I've waster 90 seconds of my life typing that paragraph.

It feels good to be in bed, and now that I've reminisced over today's golden list of blessings (Max Lucado book, coffee and V, free biscuits, sunshine in the morning, nice people at work sending me stupid messages that keep my smiling, Fiona and Jonna's phone calls, getting TIME magazine in the mail, the train-trip and drive home with Sav, dinner with my family, straight hair, cheeky sms txts that encourage European weddings (eh?!), my bed, having Net access, the ability to think, breathe, choose, live, blog pointlessly and LAUGH, the complexities of teenage angst, being able to laugh at my own day-by-day emotional dramas, the photos on my wall etc etc... the list goes on), I kind of wonder why I even feel down at all.

It's only small, and after I explain the state of my heart here, I shall choose to get over it and wake up tomorrow smiling:

I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of opening old wounds. Afraid of giving when I have nothing left but brokenness. Afraid of reality. Afraid of what might happen next. Afraid of the things I can't control. Afraid of the emotions that are causing tornadoes in my head. Afraid of being swept away by things that just don't make sense to me.

You think I'm always composed. The posture I have is simply facade. Don't be phased by the way I speak or the things I've accomplished. Deep down inside I'm just as vulnerable as you. I have a past. I have my history. The pages have been spattered with violent ink with stories that create their own set of tear stains.

Most of the time I let go and let God. That's the only way I survive. That's the only reason why the pages of the story are bright again. But every now and again, the events turn, and the wind blows back a couple of chapters... and the past comes knocking. And all I can think of is how much it hurts and how I wish I could cover up those paragraphs with white-out.

And tonight is one of those nights... when the fear of being hurt pushes me to the edge, and I am reminded that I have choices to make. Choices that escalate the risks. To be or not to be... Shakespeare wrote. To tell or to hide, to hope or to despair, to push or to hold back, to be open or to build walls, to dream or to wake up to the cold waves of reality...

And speaking of dreams... it's time to go to bed. I'll be over it by morning. =)