the best of me

The number one rule, before starting a talk, is to pray about it. The irony of my current situation is that I am in a church, but I feel so far from God. Far because I feel like I've been thrown into a pit and I'm wasting all my energy trying to get out, when really I should just breathe, relax and wait for the hands to reach down and pull me out.

But it doesn't feel like those hands are coming any time soon.

Right now I'm feeling exhausted. People calling me for help. People asking for my advice. People wondering why I can't give them enough time. People yelling at me. People slamming doors at me. People trying to exploit me. People trying to challenge me. People waiting for answers that I can't give. People taking my energy. People using my space. People locking my doors. People smothering me. People ignoring me.

God... that day when the disciples were out in the storm... and you felt this way... you sat down and prayed. The least I can do... despite my lack of time... is to follow your footsteps up that hill... and do the same...

* * *

I had a GLP seminar at uni today about "servant-leadership." The speaker wasn't what I had in mind, but he did say a few things that stuck, and made me feel a bit better. The first was that he emphasised that any form of people-work is tiring. More-so than any other work. Having to be there to respond to others is hard... it's taxing on the emotions.

I'm angry too. Angry and upset... and really disappointed. Sometimes I want someone to understand why I feel these things, but I don't think anybody on earth will. So I sit, close my eyes, and think of the only person who seems to understand... and he takes my hand and makes me reach for the piece of wood dripping in his blood, and then I remember... "You died so I could live..." and then I realise that I have to get over my seflishness and get on with the tasks I was assigned to do.

But I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy.

It's hard. It's exhausting. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am confused. I am lost. I have nothing left to give. None of my time, none of my energy, none of my ability... all I have is YOURS... and that's all I can offer.

This is me at my worst, but Him at his best.