What an eventful month November has been... I suppose my head has been spinning with so much new information that I haven't had much of a chance to get it all down. In summary:
At the moment:
* Looking up new laptop to purchase. Not so sure if I should get an Apple or a PC. It's a never-ending debate... and it's a tough one to find a winner to.
* Sorting through 2nd-round university applications. I've sent one to Notre Dame for a Diploma of Education (secondary). I'm mulling over sending one to Sydney Uni for my Masters (something media-related).
* Just read through a UTS information pack (Business).
* Surrounded by: Ferrero Rochers (courtesy of Edwin Adan), documents from work, application forms galore, Lipton Apple Green Tea, clean laundry that needs to be folded, an empty box of NERDS, red roses (also courtesy of Mr Adan), an unmade bed... and a bedroom that needs to be vacuumed.
In the last three weeks I:
* Resigned. Yup - you all knew it was coming. Even then it was probably the toughest decision I've ever made - how do you let go of something that you love but causes you so much grief? At the end of the day I based my decision on the need to distance myself from the things that were causing me stress and pain, and the need to spend my time pursuing things that would ultimately make me happy and peaceful. Final date in the office is Fri Dec 28.
* Was in a car accident. It happened last Wednesday night on my way home from work. Someone in a white sedan merged from the right lane into the middle lane as I was trying to the same thing. When I went back to my lane to avoid them they merged into the left lane too, forcing me to drive onto the shoulder. I lost control of the car, hit the guard rail, did a few fishies and spun across three lanes and onto the right hand shoulder. Lucky it was past 10pm and there wasn't enough traffic to hit or be hit by. But the whole incident has left me shaken, stressed, and feeling somewhat attacked. The total damage to the car tallied up to approx $9,000 (great) and leaves me without a vehicle for the next three weeks. All because someone else felt like speeding on the motorway and cutting across three lanes. And no one stopped to help me either.
* Performed in a girl band. (Act of Faith)
* Finished the final sessions of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP (graduation is this Friday).
* Saved enough dosh for the NZ trip but not enough to actually buy anyone decent Christmas presents. (sorry in advance).
* Have had recurring daydreams about having a lazy month of January. i.e. no work and all play. The fact that I've failed in the savings department may make that daydream hard to turn into reality, but we'll see what happens ay?
* Partied and celebrated the feeling of freedom. Such events include Fr Warren's house-warming BBQ + Beth, Bic and Sarah's 21st.
* Enjoyed Terrigal Beach and the comfort of friendships that can stay the same - even if it's been a year since we've all been together.
Now I'm darker, free-er... and perhaps slightly more anxious. I hope I never forget how free and peaceful I did feel that week I resigned. I'd prayed about it for such a long time, and for the first time in months felt God's hand guiding me to something exhilarating and uniquely written for me. The stress of the car accident, together with how things at work never going as planned, have dampened that spirit of freedom... but I refuse to let it weigh me down.
Next year is a new chapter, a blank canvas... I can see a whole heap of things that can wrong - but a gazillion things that can also go right. And all I need to do is pray for faith and guidance... and the ability to create a decent conclusion to the chapter that is 2007.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The "Let's-Start-Saving" Wish-List
1. My car.
2. A high definition video camera.
3. A new laptop.
4. A new monitor.
5. Multimedia software.
6. An apartment to live in.
7. MBA
2. A high definition video camera.
3. A new laptop.
4. A new monitor.
5. Multimedia software.
6. An apartment to live in.
7. MBA
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Dear Lord
I'm really angry. And hurt. Angry and hurt. Seems like the same two feelings come around almost every day now. I feel like today would be my last straw. After receiving that phone call with some pretty selfish and f*d up news, I really just want to crawl in bed, resign from my job, and sign up for uni next year... or get myself a better job. Instead of this f*d up political shit that really just makes me sad.
Matt called me and said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Your words right? Hmm... one day I'll put them into practice.
Just not right now.
I'm really angry. And hurt. Angry and hurt. Seems like the same two feelings come around almost every day now. I feel like today would be my last straw. After receiving that phone call with some pretty selfish and f*d up news, I really just want to crawl in bed, resign from my job, and sign up for uni next year... or get myself a better job. Instead of this f*d up political shit that really just makes me sad.
Matt called me and said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Your words right? Hmm... one day I'll put them into practice.
Just not right now.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I'm sitting at a dining room table. It was a red table cloth. Our BRAVO DVD publisher is working away and I'm sitting here trying to get creative. It's hard. Plus my email system seems to be down. I'll have lunch eventually... but lunch makes me sleepy - I'm not sure it'll work out in my benefit. But I do have creamy carbonara spaghetti waiting for me. It's sitting in my bag next to a fruit salad.
I can't believe the weekend flew by so quickly. I'm not even sure what I did for those 48 hours...
Oh that's right... Friday night was talk 7 of the CLP. (I think it was talk 7). Who knows how many weeks it's been... but the weeks have flown by, so it must mean it's a good program. Saturday was a visit to the doctor after discovering how bruised my toenails were after removing three week's worth of purple nail polish. What? You've never had bruised toenails? Lucky you! It seems like my feet have had their own medical record. A couple of years back a really heavy photo frame fell on my right foot and left a scar. I think a few nails have broken (off) several times. Don't worry -they always grow back. Nicer and neater than before... except for maybe my pinky toes, which will always look a bit funny. My poor feet... which are too big and keep on growing, even though the rest of me doesn't (I feel rorted - wouldn't you?).
Anyway, on Saturday morning during breakfast with the parents I mentioned how, to my dismay, my toenail still didn't look right (it was damaged because I was stupid enough to wear shoes that were too small during a 14km run). Please keep in mind, I never get any sympathy from my parents when I get ill, wounded or emotionally scarred. Instead, I got a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible I am, and how I should go to the doctor before my feet fall off.
So I drove into town, wasted half an hour in the waiting room, and told the doctor the truth - that I wasn't going to waste her time but my mother insisted I get my funny looking toenail sussed out by a professional. Her advice? Use nail polish to cover it up and wait patiently for it to grow. The same prescription I give myself every other time my precious toenails on my overgrown feet get crushed, smashed, broken or bruised. *sigh* (waste of a Saturday afternoon.)
After a few confusing minutes in Priceline (where I tried to find the perfect shade of nail enamel), I drove home to paint my nails. I've always been terrible at painting my nails. But now they're done. And according to the REVLON saleslady, the stuff should last for at least 10 days. Pfft -whatever. I drove to Video Ezy and back and they were already scuffed.
At some stage in the evening, we had dinner with the whole family. Like... the whole family. Mum, Dad, Annabelle, her fiance (Chu), her fiance's sister, Jean, her husband (Mark), their gorgeous little bubba Caitlyn, Rina, Roanne, Eddoes, and myself. All crowded around at our tiny little kitchen table feasting on garlic pizza, spaghetti, crab, pizza with strange toppings (like carrot or brocolli), prawnsm, squid, and a nice big bottle of Coke Zero. And fruit for dessert. Yummy! Then we ventured to the living room for a few hours of Wii-family fun. It was hilarious watching our personalised little characters on screen smashing tennis records, bowling strikes, and putting well above par. I am absolutely terrible at Wii baseball. And Edwin has managed to figure out a way of kicking my ass at tennis with a flick of a wrist. No fair, I say.
After a few hours of TV exercise, Chu blew out his birthday candles (with a lot of help from Caitlyn), and opened a large assortment of gifts. It was cool... I figure you're officially part of the family once we chuck a party for you. Not long til they're married... how exciting.
Sunday called for an early wake-up due to our monthly dose of Mass singing. We got to the church and realised we'd forgotten the guitar. I say "we" because the guitar was in my living room, and both of us, in our hurry to get to the church on time, forgot to actually pick it up and put it in the boot. So in our half-asleep zombie-like trance, Edwin drove back and we made it to Mass about 5 minutes before the opening song. We're pros I tell ya!
I think lazy Sundays are the best. We breakfasted at Maccas with half of the choir (memories of the good ol' days when we had at least 10 people show up for 8:45am Masses... and breakfast was a must for all). Then I spent half the day half asleep. Watched Heroes, Knocked Up, had fish and chips for lunch and pizza for dinner (oh that amount of oil makes me feel sick thinking about it...) and ran a two hour multimedia workshop as part of Leader's Training.
Now I'm just.... out of creative energy. And I've wasted half my lunch break blogging. I wonder if Coleen or Luke still blog. I should waste my time reading their ones instead of filling up mine...
I can't believe the weekend flew by so quickly. I'm not even sure what I did for those 48 hours...
Oh that's right... Friday night was talk 7 of the CLP. (I think it was talk 7). Who knows how many weeks it's been... but the weeks have flown by, so it must mean it's a good program. Saturday was a visit to the doctor after discovering how bruised my toenails were after removing three week's worth of purple nail polish. What? You've never had bruised toenails? Lucky you! It seems like my feet have had their own medical record. A couple of years back a really heavy photo frame fell on my right foot and left a scar. I think a few nails have broken (off) several times. Don't worry -they always grow back. Nicer and neater than before... except for maybe my pinky toes, which will always look a bit funny. My poor feet... which are too big and keep on growing, even though the rest of me doesn't (I feel rorted - wouldn't you?).
Anyway, on Saturday morning during breakfast with the parents I mentioned how, to my dismay, my toenail still didn't look right (it was damaged because I was stupid enough to wear shoes that were too small during a 14km run). Please keep in mind, I never get any sympathy from my parents when I get ill, wounded or emotionally scarred. Instead, I got a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible I am, and how I should go to the doctor before my feet fall off.
So I drove into town, wasted half an hour in the waiting room, and told the doctor the truth - that I wasn't going to waste her time but my mother insisted I get my funny looking toenail sussed out by a professional. Her advice? Use nail polish to cover it up and wait patiently for it to grow. The same prescription I give myself every other time my precious toenails on my overgrown feet get crushed, smashed, broken or bruised. *sigh* (waste of a Saturday afternoon.)
After a few confusing minutes in Priceline (where I tried to find the perfect shade of nail enamel), I drove home to paint my nails. I've always been terrible at painting my nails. But now they're done. And according to the REVLON saleslady, the stuff should last for at least 10 days. Pfft -whatever. I drove to Video Ezy and back and they were already scuffed.
At some stage in the evening, we had dinner with the whole family. Like... the whole family. Mum, Dad, Annabelle, her fiance (Chu), her fiance's sister, Jean, her husband (Mark), their gorgeous little bubba Caitlyn, Rina, Roanne, Eddoes, and myself. All crowded around at our tiny little kitchen table feasting on garlic pizza, spaghetti, crab, pizza with strange toppings (like carrot or brocolli), prawnsm, squid, and a nice big bottle of Coke Zero. And fruit for dessert. Yummy! Then we ventured to the living room for a few hours of Wii-family fun. It was hilarious watching our personalised little characters on screen smashing tennis records, bowling strikes, and putting well above par. I am absolutely terrible at Wii baseball. And Edwin has managed to figure out a way of kicking my ass at tennis with a flick of a wrist. No fair, I say.
After a few hours of TV exercise, Chu blew out his birthday candles (with a lot of help from Caitlyn), and opened a large assortment of gifts. It was cool... I figure you're officially part of the family once we chuck a party for you. Not long til they're married... how exciting.
Sunday called for an early wake-up due to our monthly dose of Mass singing. We got to the church and realised we'd forgotten the guitar. I say "we" because the guitar was in my living room, and both of us, in our hurry to get to the church on time, forgot to actually pick it up and put it in the boot. So in our half-asleep zombie-like trance, Edwin drove back and we made it to Mass about 5 minutes before the opening song. We're pros I tell ya!
I think lazy Sundays are the best. We breakfasted at Maccas with half of the choir (memories of the good ol' days when we had at least 10 people show up for 8:45am Masses... and breakfast was a must for all). Then I spent half the day half asleep. Watched Heroes, Knocked Up, had fish and chips for lunch and pizza for dinner (oh that amount of oil makes me feel sick thinking about it...) and ran a two hour multimedia workshop as part of Leader's Training.
Now I'm just.... out of creative energy. And I've wasted half my lunch break blogging. I wonder if Coleen or Luke still blog. I should waste my time reading their ones instead of filling up mine...
Thursday, November 01, 2007
my love affair with tzatziki
My stomach feels so bloated right now, and I'm about to drop into a very deep sleep.
After purchasing some random goodies for Vincent's birthday present, I decided to treat myself to my much loved garlic-fix: tzatziki dip (teamed with garlic bagel crisps, this stuff gives you deadly breath but ultra-satisfied taste buds).
Give-away behaviour that proves tzatziki dip is up their amongst the other loves of my life:
1. When in the right mood, I'll happily rip open the bag of bagel crisps and begin to dip into the tzatziki long before I've even gotten into the drivers seat of my car. Today I'd eaten four or five mouthfuls before I'd pulled out of the carpark.
2. I will happily enjoy this unhealthy snack whilst driving, despite the possible dangers of collision.
3. I have no qualms about the pending bad breath this dip will give me. And yes... it can get very bad.
4. It makes me happy. Very happy.
After purchasing some random goodies for Vincent's birthday present, I decided to treat myself to my much loved garlic-fix: tzatziki dip (teamed with garlic bagel crisps, this stuff gives you deadly breath but ultra-satisfied taste buds).
Give-away behaviour that proves tzatziki dip is up their amongst the other loves of my life:
1. When in the right mood, I'll happily rip open the bag of bagel crisps and begin to dip into the tzatziki long before I've even gotten into the drivers seat of my car. Today I'd eaten four or five mouthfuls before I'd pulled out of the carpark.
2. I will happily enjoy this unhealthy snack whilst driving, despite the possible dangers of collision.
3. I have no qualms about the pending bad breath this dip will give me. And yes... it can get very bad.
4. It makes me happy. Very happy.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I'm sick. I know that may not be news to some (I'm generally a pretty sickly person - I've never had a strong immune system). Today it was something fluey... for a week I've thought it was hay fever... but I woke up today feeling like a truck had run me over and left green mucus-like debris in my nose. Even after two doses of antibiotics it still hurts when I cough... or laugh. My lungs just don't like breathing right now. I am cringing at the thought of going to work tomorrow... so I probably won't. Not out of laziness, but simply because if I take the 2 hour commute to my desk and stare at my screen for 8 hours, then travel another 2 hours to get home, I will hate both myself for wasting 4 hours of my day when I could have spent them recovering, and end up hating my boss and my job for making me feel that wasting that precious recovery time was necessary. Therefore: better to rest up and work from home (if I actually wake up and find muscle energy to get out of bed), than waste a day staring at the screen, Facebooking.
On a much more happier note, my Dad turned 70 today (or yesterday, since it's already past midnight). It was such a joyous and funny occassion; Caitlyn is the life of the party, and we enjoyed all-you-can-eat seafood at Four Points Sheraton, near Kings St Wharf. Then we did the whole present-opening thing at my place... which was just as entertaining. By the end of the present-opening and photo-taking I was hungry again... despite having downed about 10 oysters, a lobster, salmon, salad, chicken with tomato pesto sauce, and an entire plate of chocolate desserts. (I was so excited when I got to the restaurant that I forgot to take my medicine... which in retrospect wasn't such a bad move because I think it made me throw up my lunch this afternoon when I took my first dose.)
I also wore the $60 dress (Sunday's impulse purchase, that my Mum tried so desperately to make me return, for fear of my credit card bill. When I told her I didn't actually use my credit card but my savings instead, she was even more mortified), and to my dismay realised it shows a hellavalot of cleavage. (Not that that will stop me from wearing it.) I bow my head in shame because my wardrobe is definitely sporting a larger range of clothing that show off more and more skin - E.g. the pin-striped (short) shorts I bought last April for the trip to NZ that I vowed only to ever wear when swimming have now become regular shopping attire. Last time I wore them out, Ian asked me "Joy, where are the rest of your pants?"... then he complimented me on my tan, so I wasn't particularly phased by the first comment.
I'm thirsting for a swim and the beach... but time has not allowed for such luxuries. I'm sure these joy-giving pleasures of my Summer-loving life are not too far from the corner. In the meantime I will remain content practicing for the Act of Faith performance (yes, I'm in a band and yes, there is an embarrassing gig scheduled in for November 10... or maybe 11... don't know), taking silly photos of Caitlyn, and hanging with my boyfriend... who is getting sweeter and more hilarious by the day. E.g. last Friday he got my tickets to watch Australian Idol live (sweet) and he also baked me chocolate muffins (sweet, but also hilarious -this is an in-joke that we have). I feasted on these scrumptious muffins for breakfast for two days (they only lasted that long - that's what happens when you live with two other girls.
There's also CLP on Fridays (something like... 5 or 6 weeks to go... oh my gosh; that's a bit crazy). I still can't believe I'm joining Singles for Christ. For years I was a faithful YFC-er; a leader even... but SFC? The name is both off-putting and misleading... and every time I mention it to someone I have to calmly explain that it's not a singles club - it's just the young adult version of YFC. i.e. "Singles" meaning not-married people/time of adulthood that can be dedicated to both exploring faith and serving others etc. etc.
And that's my life thus far. I keep telling myself I should:
1. Pray a lot more than I do. I'm getting REALLY lazy... which is bad... bad for me because prayer is uplifting and calming and much more productive than impulse shopping.
2. Start writing my book!!! Voices and thoughts and paragraphs form in my brain but never reach the paper. I've gotten so lazy in the last few years, and I feel like I haven't done anything truly creative in AGES.
3. Do something truly creative.
4. Stop complaining about my job... even though it is honestly such a great source of stress for me.
5. Save more money (i.e. refer to point #1)
I'm sure there are pah-lenty of other things I could do... but that's it for now. The night dosage is kicking in and I'm starting to breathe heavily... need sleep...
On a much more happier note, my Dad turned 70 today (or yesterday, since it's already past midnight). It was such a joyous and funny occassion; Caitlyn is the life of the party, and we enjoyed all-you-can-eat seafood at Four Points Sheraton, near Kings St Wharf. Then we did the whole present-opening thing at my place... which was just as entertaining. By the end of the present-opening and photo-taking I was hungry again... despite having downed about 10 oysters, a lobster, salmon, salad, chicken with tomato pesto sauce, and an entire plate of chocolate desserts. (I was so excited when I got to the restaurant that I forgot to take my medicine... which in retrospect wasn't such a bad move because I think it made me throw up my lunch this afternoon when I took my first dose.)
I also wore the $60 dress (Sunday's impulse purchase, that my Mum tried so desperately to make me return, for fear of my credit card bill. When I told her I didn't actually use my credit card but my savings instead, she was even more mortified), and to my dismay realised it shows a hellavalot of cleavage. (Not that that will stop me from wearing it.) I bow my head in shame because my wardrobe is definitely sporting a larger range of clothing that show off more and more skin - E.g. the pin-striped (short) shorts I bought last April for the trip to NZ that I vowed only to ever wear when swimming have now become regular shopping attire. Last time I wore them out, Ian asked me "Joy, where are the rest of your pants?"... then he complimented me on my tan, so I wasn't particularly phased by the first comment.
I'm thirsting for a swim and the beach... but time has not allowed for such luxuries. I'm sure these joy-giving pleasures of my Summer-loving life are not too far from the corner. In the meantime I will remain content practicing for the Act of Faith performance (yes, I'm in a band and yes, there is an embarrassing gig scheduled in for November 10... or maybe 11... don't know), taking silly photos of Caitlyn, and hanging with my boyfriend... who is getting sweeter and more hilarious by the day. E.g. last Friday he got my tickets to watch Australian Idol live (sweet) and he also baked me chocolate muffins (sweet, but also hilarious -this is an in-joke that we have). I feasted on these scrumptious muffins for breakfast for two days (they only lasted that long - that's what happens when you live with two other girls.
There's also CLP on Fridays (something like... 5 or 6 weeks to go... oh my gosh; that's a bit crazy). I still can't believe I'm joining Singles for Christ. For years I was a faithful YFC-er; a leader even... but SFC? The name is both off-putting and misleading... and every time I mention it to someone I have to calmly explain that it's not a singles club - it's just the young adult version of YFC. i.e. "Singles" meaning not-married people/time of adulthood that can be dedicated to both exploring faith and serving others etc. etc.
And that's my life thus far. I keep telling myself I should:
1. Pray a lot more than I do. I'm getting REALLY lazy... which is bad... bad for me because prayer is uplifting and calming and much more productive than impulse shopping.
2. Start writing my book!!! Voices and thoughts and paragraphs form in my brain but never reach the paper. I've gotten so lazy in the last few years, and I feel like I haven't done anything truly creative in AGES.
3. Do something truly creative.
4. Stop complaining about my job... even though it is honestly such a great source of stress for me.
5. Save more money (i.e. refer to point #1)
I'm sure there are pah-lenty of other things I could do... but that's it for now. The night dosage is kicking in and I'm starting to breathe heavily... need sleep...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the rest is still unwritten (la dah di dah)
VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT F*N EXHAUSTED DIDN'T SLEEP TIL 6AM THIS MORNING. HAD AN AWESOME DAY AT FOX STUDIOS, WHCH ALMOST ENDED IN ME THROWING MY WORK LAPTOP AGAINST THE OFFICE WALL AT CYS HOUSE BECAUSE IM JUST SO OVER THIS WHOLE PROJECT WHICH I HAVEN'T RECEIVED MUCH HELP FROM. I'M PISSED OFF BUT TRYING TO STAY CALM - WISH I WAS ASLEEP BUT NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM BECAUSE I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WORK AGAIN; THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY. ON A POSITIVE NOTE I ENJOYED A LAMB SOUVLAKI ROLL WITH TZATZIKI DIP (YUM!!) ON A GOOD (BUT NOT EXACTLY GREAT) NOTE, I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS. I AM SUCH A SUCKER TO PEER PRESSURE; IT COST E $59.95 BUT REALLY IT'S ONLY WORTH $5.00. OH WELL. STRAPLESS, WHITE WITH A BLUE PATTERN; PERFECT FOR THE BEACH IF I EVER GET AROUND TO GOING THERE. WORE IT WHILE I PRACTICED PLAYING GUITAR TODAY; MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY AND CAREFREE WHEN I'M WEARING IT... OH MAN I CAN'T STAND WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE SOMETIMES - I NEED TO FIND A MORE SATISFYING JOB VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT
Monday, October 22, 2007
It's lunch time already (12:30pm). There is a 20month old baby (cutest thing I've ever seen) asleep on my bed, and it took me about 2 hours of my morning to get her into that peaceful state of slumber.
I keep procrastinating because I really DON'T want to produce this video. *sigh*
Now I'm hungry.
No Joy... don't eat lunch yet. Start the videos already!
I have a sudden craving for sago.
Before I log-off and beging the inevitable task of pulling together a few chapters of a promotional DVD, I thought I'd share a perfect moment of my weekend. (Apologies if this offends anyone who expecting myself or the boyfriend to help out at the GK One Day stalls yesterday... whoops!)
Spent yesterday afternoon after Mass sitting in Edwin's living room. His parents bought us kebabs for lunch and at about 2:30pm I was lying on his green couch reading the final chapters of the Marian Keyes book, Edwin had just finished the graphic novel prequel to the Transforms movie and was sitting a seat away with his feet up reading an I.T. mag, his mum was in the kitchen while his dad was in the rumpus room and both were reading different sections of the weekend newspaper. When I glanced up from the book my heart stopped for about ten seconds as I realised what a disgustingly perfect scene this was... Sunday afternoon in the coolness of a family living room, reading in peace, resting after a spectularly exhausting week, with unbreakable quiet. No screaming, no random requests to get something done, no pressure to be anywhere else or exert any energy.
SCARY.
I keep procrastinating because I really DON'T want to produce this video. *sigh*
Now I'm hungry.
No Joy... don't eat lunch yet. Start the videos already!
I have a sudden craving for sago.
Before I log-off and beging the inevitable task of pulling together a few chapters of a promotional DVD, I thought I'd share a perfect moment of my weekend. (Apologies if this offends anyone who expecting myself or the boyfriend to help out at the GK One Day stalls yesterday... whoops!)
Spent yesterday afternoon after Mass sitting in Edwin's living room. His parents bought us kebabs for lunch and at about 2:30pm I was lying on his green couch reading the final chapters of the Marian Keyes book, Edwin had just finished the graphic novel prequel to the Transforms movie and was sitting a seat away with his feet up reading an I.T. mag, his mum was in the kitchen while his dad was in the rumpus room and both were reading different sections of the weekend newspaper. When I glanced up from the book my heart stopped for about ten seconds as I realised what a disgustingly perfect scene this was... Sunday afternoon in the coolness of a family living room, reading in peace, resting after a spectularly exhausting week, with unbreakable quiet. No screaming, no random requests to get something done, no pressure to be anywhere else or exert any energy.
SCARY.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
"Why can't we love the right people? What is so wrong with us that we rush into situations to which we are manifestly unsuited, which will hurt us and others? Why are we given emotions that we cannot control? That move in exact contradiction to what we really want: We are walking conflicts, internal battles on legs, and if human beings were cars, we would return them for being faulty."
(p.188 "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes)
I'm sitting at work. 5:06pm, and I don't feel like getting on the train home just yet. Thursday evening... I could go shopping, but I've told myself to get over the need of buying something new for the sake of feeling secure, accomplished, or sexy. Materialism is just way over-rated. I've bought pair after pair of new shoes and don't feel any more wanted or any more loved than the next girl.
It's been an interesting few weeks back in Sydney. I would say that I miss being in Italy, but I don't. I'm enjoying being able to live in and accept the reality that is my life. I work full-time, and I know ten years from now, I will not regret spending two years of my life in this organisation or doing this type of work. I've learned a lot about how to deal with difficult people, how to build up good leaders, how to listen and be genuinely concerned, how to be thick-skinned and to the point when someone is messing with me.
I've also learned also learned that political games are full of bullshit and anyone who allows themselves to get suckered into the shit (especially AFTER they've been warned about losing all sense of value or morality) is an idiot.
I'm enjoying this Marian Keyes book because it's honest. There's a character in there (Jojo) who is having an affair with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there is something that she loves about the way he wants her. I read this book and think about the lives of these imaginary characters (all of whom I've developed a fondness of because I relate to all of them in one way of other, even though I've never had an affair with a married man).
At one stage Lily Wright asks: "Why do we have such a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite one for pain?" I was walking to work this morning (late - again), I decided that this world is obsessed with sex because sex is physical proof that our bodies were made for pleasure. We have an inbuilt desire to be held, touched, loved, kissed and wanted. Generally, people don't want to walk around sad, distressed, depressed and alone. They want to be missed, desired and pined over... and when you get into a relationship with someone and realise that they want YOU... well - what a compliment. Not to say that sex is the answer to depression - if anything random sex with random people is eventually going to give you the opposite conclusion. You'll end up asking, "Why did they stop wanting me?" or "Why did they walk away?" or "If they were sincerely interested, why haven't they called?" and all the pointless insecurities that Satan likes to play games with will rise to the surface and instead of feeling loved you'll feel rejected, sad, distressed, depressed and alone (again).
So what to do this this desire for pleasure and satisfaction? What does one direct their energies towards if not a shallow, temporary union of two bodies in a passionate embrace? God only knows.
(p.188 "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes)
I'm sitting at work. 5:06pm, and I don't feel like getting on the train home just yet. Thursday evening... I could go shopping, but I've told myself to get over the need of buying something new for the sake of feeling secure, accomplished, or sexy. Materialism is just way over-rated. I've bought pair after pair of new shoes and don't feel any more wanted or any more loved than the next girl.
It's been an interesting few weeks back in Sydney. I would say that I miss being in Italy, but I don't. I'm enjoying being able to live in and accept the reality that is my life. I work full-time, and I know ten years from now, I will not regret spending two years of my life in this organisation or doing this type of work. I've learned a lot about how to deal with difficult people, how to build up good leaders, how to listen and be genuinely concerned, how to be thick-skinned and to the point when someone is messing with me.
I've also learned also learned that political games are full of bullshit and anyone who allows themselves to get suckered into the shit (especially AFTER they've been warned about losing all sense of value or morality) is an idiot.
I'm enjoying this Marian Keyes book because it's honest. There's a character in there (Jojo) who is having an affair with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there is something that she loves about the way he wants her. I read this book and think about the lives of these imaginary characters (all of whom I've developed a fondness of because I relate to all of them in one way of other, even though I've never had an affair with a married man).
At one stage Lily Wright asks: "Why do we have such a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite one for pain?" I was walking to work this morning (late - again), I decided that this world is obsessed with sex because sex is physical proof that our bodies were made for pleasure. We have an inbuilt desire to be held, touched, loved, kissed and wanted. Generally, people don't want to walk around sad, distressed, depressed and alone. They want to be missed, desired and pined over... and when you get into a relationship with someone and realise that they want YOU... well - what a compliment. Not to say that sex is the answer to depression - if anything random sex with random people is eventually going to give you the opposite conclusion. You'll end up asking, "Why did they stop wanting me?" or "Why did they walk away?" or "If they were sincerely interested, why haven't they called?" and all the pointless insecurities that Satan likes to play games with will rise to the surface and instead of feeling loved you'll feel rejected, sad, distressed, depressed and alone (again).
So what to do this this desire for pleasure and satisfaction? What does one direct their energies towards if not a shallow, temporary union of two bodies in a passionate embrace? God only knows.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
TodaY:
From door to desk: 2.5 hours. Traffic down the M7 was horrendous, and the WHOLE M2 was congested too. Yeeshk. Sucks when you think of how you could've just slept in and arrived at work at the same time... Far out. Lucky I prayed my guts out for parking.
I forgot: To bring the cable to convert the video footage I was meant to edit today. GARGGH!
But: It was hot today (gotta love the heat), and I get to have dinner on a fancy schmancy cruise... and possibly see Fran (YAY!) and *sigh* I'm just... wanting to crawl into bed right now.
Liking that: I had dinner with Eddoes last night and we watched Transformers (again). Glad we can bond over childhood memories like that.... hahaha.. my playfriend!! *spew*
I think I need to go for a looong ass walk down to Circular Quay.
I forgot: To bring the cable to convert the video footage I was meant to edit today. GARGGH!
But: It was hot today (gotta love the heat), and I get to have dinner on a fancy schmancy cruise... and possibly see Fran (YAY!) and *sigh* I'm just... wanting to crawl into bed right now.
Liking that: I had dinner with Eddoes last night and we watched Transformers (again). Glad we can bond over childhood memories like that.... hahaha.. my playfriend!! *spew*
I think I need to go for a looong ass walk down to Circular Quay.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
all of the above.
I'm a Facebook addict. It's disgusting. I'm ashamed, but at the same time... I'm not really ashamed, because everyone's a bloody Facebook addict. I blame everyone else, because everyday my inbox is full of notifications, requests, pokes, TopFriend add-ons, new growing gifts, invitations to add an aquarium, a fake Mojito or a beer, tagged photos and photo comments.
No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.
I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.
Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.
I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).
At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.
I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...
I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.
And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?
Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?
All of the above.
And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.
No one actually sends emails these days. It's a Facebook message, a bit of a graffiti for my Superwall, or a shout-out of some sort. And if I'm lucky, someone will high-five me or bitch-slap me and I'll feel 11 points more popular than yesterday.
I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor in a black singlet and blue undies. (Having shared that, I now feel the need to go underwear shopping). Today I finally got my white Chinese Laundry fixed (cost me $16.95... what a rip-off). I asked the guy if the new heels would last and he said: "If you plant to walk on the road, then no." Hahahaha... isn't that funny? Coz you know - I take my shoes off when I need to cross bitumen of cement. I also tried the Athlete's Foot foot test. The guy must've thought I was the biggest dumb-ass. He looked at my pityingly because I made sure I passed the mirror when I walked around the shop in chunky new runners. And who would've thought there was such an accurate science when it comes to buying new runners? I just want to run damn it.
Luckily, this weekend was also full of nicer, less complicated things. Coffee with Jane was a perk - Starbucks will be seeing more of us as we share more and more. And the poor people who hear us shrieking with laughter when we discover something that's only funny because it's so damn true. E.g. Girls think and CARE about EVERYTHING. (note to any boy who might stumble across this - it is true). Only a minute number of the female species can (or will) separate their life into little compartments. When we think, we think about everything, and the effect all those things will have on everything and everyone else. Sad... but true. We're a complicated breed. Also sad... but also funny... because it's true.
I went for a scenic drive to Bringelly this morning - nice driving through the dry side of the western suburbs. The gum trees, the empty roads, the lack of traffic and the laziness of a Sunday morning. And the heat... oh Lord thank you for the heat! I loved it! I'm getting blacker and blacker - but who gives a damn? (I'll blend into my black Billabong bikini soon).
At Bringelly I found that apart from the awesome smelling food, Asian-style iced-coffee, and the beautiful bunch of roses and flowers, the Vietnamese community were able to give me something I've longed to receive in a looooong time - inspiration. This is typical of this community, whose leaders and chaplains are so full of passion it's oozing out of their skin. It's moving to be affirmed that there are passionate, loving and awesome leaders in the world that are willing to give up sleep, time, money, thoughts, love and their LIVES for a good cause. *sigh* Sometimes it feels like the world is lacking such people... then God reminds me that these are the people I work for.
I've decided that it's time I start writing again. Pack my journal, notebook, and a few pens... and get on my bike, and go somewhere peaceful to write. And not this stupid pointless writing that I do here... but the real stuff. I should've written a book ages ago. I feel like it'll never happen. But... I need to find something recreational that doesn't involve my spending money. Eddoes keeps asking me why I find the need to buy a new article of clothing every week: shopping is my other vice... other than glossy magazines (which are often the reason why I waste my money instead of spending it on something useful like a HD video camera or a new laptop.) I could be saving for the New Zealand trip, or I could start looking for Christmas presents... or get my Dad's birthday present... but no... there are days when I want to be completely selfish... and I shop. Tsk tsk...
I realised during Friday's CLP session that I really need to let go. I'm holding on to so many things that don't require or demand my need to grasp so tightly... and my mind tells me over and over again that it's simply out of selfishness or pride that I hang onto these things... but I refuse to let go because in surrendering them, it's like I'm letting go of the few things that define me or make me happy. If I'm honest to myself that I'll admit that NONE of these things I'm hanging onto actually make me genuinely happy. Temporarily, yes... but deeply and profoundly? Not even close.
And so Athena asks me: why don't you let go then? If you know it in your head, then what's stopping you?
Dunno. Because I'm sick of being the "good" person in the crowd? I'm sick of making sacrifices? I want to see if being a wordly, cynical and materialistic bitch is really the answer to all my problems and insecurities? I'm uninspired and no one feels the need to be the inspiring one? I'm just angry and in need of leadership? I'm in need of someone to be heroic... because right now, the selfish, proud and arrogant little me is just tired of being the hero?
All of the above.
And so as my status on Facebook so publicly states - Joy is: waiting for someone to catch her.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
this weekend
Yesterday's impulse buy from Surf Dive 'n Ski (Harbourside shopping) was a black Billabong bikini. I've succumbed to the beach-babe wannabe in me... that desire to look stunning on the beach, despite the risk of exposing uh... the not-so-flattering (or public!) parts of my body.
The weekend flew by... and now I'm wasting time uploading old-school HSB photos on Facebook... with the desire to embarrass (and pull the heart-strings of) the surrogate family that once was mine all those years ago. How was it we used to see each other every week (religiously!), unpack the issues that came along in life during those university years, and still find the energy and heart and passion to serve hundreds of students every year? I wonder what ever did happen to those kids we used to speak with, befriend, laugh with and feel humiliated by each year..
I did, however, manage to clean out my room. You have no idea how big this achievement is - my room hasn't encountered the vacuum cleaner for quite some time. I had the choice to stay under the doona... or do the truly right thing and get rid of all that dust hiding beneath the doona and the bed. *sigh* I also decided to re-organise my wardrobe (bringing out all that Summer gear baby!), and part with my useless girly magazine collection (a waste of space, time, AND money... damn you makers of Cosmo and Cleo!). Wasting my hard-earned moola on mags that make me feel both insecure and in need of a make-over is the one vice that I've yet to truly surrender. I can't believe how often I'll fall into buying those things just for the sake of having something glossy and colourful to read on the train ride home. (very rarely I stumble across a decent story in there... more often than not I buy it so I can check out Jalba and wish I could look like her in a similar but much cheaper looking outfit).
I also realised today how many books I have accumulated over the past two years. It's dangerous working so close to Elizabeth's Bookstore (a second-hand book store on Pitt St.) It was bad enough going to uni ten minutes from Koorong (back when I was a Mac student)... then I lived five minutes away from Borders last year... and now I'm up the road from a perfect little book store with CHEAP books... (today's bed-side friend is a Marian Keyes chic-lit novel - "The Other Side of the Story").
Yesterday:
Watched Miss Saigon production at Lyric theatre. Rewwrrr to Jen Trijo! Good job man - what a legend. She did really well! It was a sweet present; we had awesome seats, Eddoes bought me ice cream during the intermission, and we strolled the harbour afterwards, had dinner with his parents, and then had a lazy evening (the best evenings are the lazy ones).
This morning:
Jonna rang!! YEEEAHAAAA!! She's back! Man I've missed her.
Today:
My man rode his bike around the neighbourhood and said hello. I... laughed at his helmet hair. :)
The weekend flew by... and now I'm wasting time uploading old-school HSB photos on Facebook... with the desire to embarrass (and pull the heart-strings of) the surrogate family that once was mine all those years ago. How was it we used to see each other every week (religiously!), unpack the issues that came along in life during those university years, and still find the energy and heart and passion to serve hundreds of students every year? I wonder what ever did happen to those kids we used to speak with, befriend, laugh with and feel humiliated by each year..
I did, however, manage to clean out my room. You have no idea how big this achievement is - my room hasn't encountered the vacuum cleaner for quite some time. I had the choice to stay under the doona... or do the truly right thing and get rid of all that dust hiding beneath the doona and the bed. *sigh* I also decided to re-organise my wardrobe (bringing out all that Summer gear baby!), and part with my useless girly magazine collection (a waste of space, time, AND money... damn you makers of Cosmo and Cleo!). Wasting my hard-earned moola on mags that make me feel both insecure and in need of a make-over is the one vice that I've yet to truly surrender. I can't believe how often I'll fall into buying those things just for the sake of having something glossy and colourful to read on the train ride home. (very rarely I stumble across a decent story in there... more often than not I buy it so I can check out Jalba and wish I could look like her in a similar but much cheaper looking outfit).
I also realised today how many books I have accumulated over the past two years. It's dangerous working so close to Elizabeth's Bookstore (a second-hand book store on Pitt St.) It was bad enough going to uni ten minutes from Koorong (back when I was a Mac student)... then I lived five minutes away from Borders last year... and now I'm up the road from a perfect little book store with CHEAP books... (today's bed-side friend is a Marian Keyes chic-lit novel - "The Other Side of the Story").
Yesterday:
Watched Miss Saigon production at Lyric theatre. Rewwrrr to Jen Trijo! Good job man - what a legend. She did really well! It was a sweet present; we had awesome seats, Eddoes bought me ice cream during the intermission, and we strolled the harbour afterwards, had dinner with his parents, and then had a lazy evening (the best evenings are the lazy ones).
This morning:
Jonna rang!! YEEEAHAAAA!! She's back! Man I've missed her.
Today:
My man rode his bike around the neighbourhood and said hello. I... laughed at his helmet hair. :)
Saturday, October 06, 2007
I remember the reasons why I started this blog:
1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.
Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.
Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!
Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...
Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.
But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).
Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.
I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.
Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:
a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.
And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.
1. To keep an ongoing record of day to day revelations and findings
2. To remind myself that sometimes profound doses of wisdom can occur in Cityrail trains, in traffic, at my desk at work, or as I'm watching my niece play with my Rainbow Magic textas.
3. To vent.
Unfortunately, I haven't been particularly profound in any of my entries lately. Largely because I'm a lazy ass, and I can't be bothered trying to think of how to make my ramblings appear coherent on screen. Then I realise who gives a damn? It's not like anyone actually HAS to read any of this. And so I should really write as if no one is reading this but me.
Therefore: oeuf0b9724is dghwr8t294tjldknasdb alkdgwo 429fadladkbn etqiegangn qwpti gnsidirnd glaienvnape gienge viengkek xjrhgie 4 gjdngeji skfjia. gnenvisbgensg kfgowr asnflapq[b .ag93mvsrb.a @!
Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...
Tonight I went to talk 3 of the CFC Singles for Christ CLP. I was about to jig it actually - I had fallen asleep after an exhausting week of work, and when Edwin called to pick me up, I attempted to get ready and got as far as the bathroom, looked at my reflection in the mirror and decided the world did not need to see such a sullen, sunken face.
But Tree (being so persuasive) rang. And I heard Jane's voice in the background... and suddenly I had two reasons to go. (Jane and Tree are good like that).
Good thing I did get up and put some clothes on (when I got home I started changing but only got half way and fell asleep... so yes, I needed to put clothes on), because Luke's talk was awesome.
I realised in the first ten or fifteen minutes how much of a proud bitch I can be. Here was a 21 year old man, full of admirable conviction, who had certainly done his research... and there I was questioning all sorts of things: his analogies, his delivery, his sources. Talk about critical. And why? Because my heart always needs defrosting, that's why. By the end of the talk, the Holy Spirit had successfully begun to melt me.
Why is it that I have been in such a challenging and critical mood lately? I break it down to the following:
a. I'm just sick of passivity. People witness the wrong thing, or hear the wrong thing and sit there silently as if it never happens. It pisses me off. Bad things keep happening because good people do nothing. Or because good people don't realise that being good requires them to do something.
b. I like to be proved wrong about people. Irene, for example, totally humbles me. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing it just to shut me up or to calm me down (I like a heated discussion... she doesn't seem aggressive like me), and sometimes I wonder if she's judging me inside. Then I realise it doesn't matter what she thinks - what she's SAYING is quite amazing. So I let go, and just listen.
c. I believe people need to be challenged. None of this sitting down and nodding-and-smiling crap. Even Caitlyn (who is only 19months old btw) demands more than that. Even she challenges me. Teach me more, tell me why, what's that, why can't I do that, etc. etc. Like her, I can't just do things just because. You just get to a certain age where "just do it" doesn't suffice.
And so I will not settle. I don't want to settle. If God is the truth, then I shouldn't have to settle.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
lasagne, fried chicken, and some lemon-lime and bitters
It's too hot in my room. So I've opted for the kitchen - quite convenient, coz I hadn't eaten dinner.
Bought a second hand book today from Elizabeth's Bookshop (on Pitt St) - had a choice between Paulo Coelho's "Pilgrimage" or a chic-lit book. Went for the chic-lit because I'm not particularly in the mood for deep and profound.
In the mood for complete nothing-ness and laziness and... for my boss to give me leave to go to New Zealand with my boyfriend's family.
I got called in for jury duty (received the letter today in the mail) - this is the fourth time in the past 8 months that I've been called in... it's getting a bit much (they always ask me when I really can't...the last excuse was that I was in Italy - obviously wasn't going to cancel the trip for a court case). No excuses this time; it's some time at the end of October.
Bought a second hand book today from Elizabeth's Bookshop (on Pitt St) - had a choice between Paulo Coelho's "Pilgrimage" or a chic-lit book. Went for the chic-lit because I'm not particularly in the mood for deep and profound.
In the mood for complete nothing-ness and laziness and... for my boss to give me leave to go to New Zealand with my boyfriend's family.
I got called in for jury duty (received the letter today in the mail) - this is the fourth time in the past 8 months that I've been called in... it's getting a bit much (they always ask me when I really can't...the last excuse was that I was in Italy - obviously wasn't going to cancel the trip for a court case). No excuses this time; it's some time at the end of October.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
one of those ones...
Aloha Summer weather! Tomorrow is meant to be one of those beautiful Spring days that make me yearn for December sunshine (30-something degrees). The days are getting longer, the dresses getting girlier, the tan getting darker, feet getting smellier (gross but true), and the dreams getting deeper.
I am too lazy to blog these days - partly because by the time I get to my bed I'm too lazy to put on the appropriate sleep-time clothing, let alone wait for my laptop to boot, log-on and think of things to write.
Today, though, we had household at Jane's (a rarity in my life), and it was... good... to vent. At times I felt like I was getting the same answers I've always gotten - but at the same time I new the reason why it felt that way - because those answers are true; and they will always remain true.
I have been lazy at work since my return from Italy. Actually no - that's not true - I've been realistic (and there's a difference). When Edwin and I were on our way home from last night's Theology on Tap session @ PJ Gallaghers, I told him the reason why I haven't produced the videos that were meant to be produced two weeks ago is that I am no longer prepared to kill myself over something that clearly isn't worth losing sleep, quality time with family & loved ones, or my sanity for (let alone my life). If there was anything that the Loreto experience taught me, it was to embrace the parts of my life that I have been so guilty of ignoring over the past twelve months.
By "ignoring" I mean "not giving due attention to" - I am sick of not giving proper attention to the things in my life that give me... (hahaha) joy.
So... I have spent the last three weeks working my 8 hour days; going home when it was time to go home; resting when it was time to rest; spending time with my neice and my boyfriend when it was time to give them my time; cleaning the bathroom and toilet; folding my laundry instead of letting it pile up and making my room look like a disaster zone; washing and vacuuming my car; giving out gifts from overseas; catching up with friends (even though sometimes they aren't always sober when this happens); riding my bike; enjoying the first few talks of the Singles of Christ CLP... doing the things I ENJOY... as opposed to giving every ounce of my energy to a job that neither demands nor deserves that type of sacrifice.
Faith is at its best when it can still exist in the real world - in the midst of real life. (Or... at least that's what I told Jane on Facebook)
The past few days I have struggled with the question: What makes a Christian lifestyle more rewarding than a normal one? Why live the Christian values and suffer being ridiculed or shunned for having these values when their are millions of people who either ignore or don't know of these values and seem to be enjoying their reckless lifestyles? Being a Christian doesn't shield me from being hurt, abused, depressed, broken, in dept or tempted. If anything the challenges become harder... so why choose it? Why live it?
I won't publish tonight's household answers here because I can't be bothered. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, however, because very few people can answer this one. A quarter of my country's population are "Catholics" (this according the latest census) but only a handful will stand up for values in the public sphere.
Is it fear of starting an argument?
Fear of losing the argument?
Fear of having the argument?
Fear of not knowing what to argue?
All of the above really.
Most, if not all, discussions (I prefer to use the euphemism - forgive me) need to be brought out into the light so that more than a handful of Catholics learn how to answer that questions I have been struggling with for the past few days.
I am too lazy to blog these days - partly because by the time I get to my bed I'm too lazy to put on the appropriate sleep-time clothing, let alone wait for my laptop to boot, log-on and think of things to write.
Today, though, we had household at Jane's (a rarity in my life), and it was... good... to vent. At times I felt like I was getting the same answers I've always gotten - but at the same time I new the reason why it felt that way - because those answers are true; and they will always remain true.
I have been lazy at work since my return from Italy. Actually no - that's not true - I've been realistic (and there's a difference). When Edwin and I were on our way home from last night's Theology on Tap session @ PJ Gallaghers, I told him the reason why I haven't produced the videos that were meant to be produced two weeks ago is that I am no longer prepared to kill myself over something that clearly isn't worth losing sleep, quality time with family & loved ones, or my sanity for (let alone my life). If there was anything that the Loreto experience taught me, it was to embrace the parts of my life that I have been so guilty of ignoring over the past twelve months.
By "ignoring" I mean "not giving due attention to" - I am sick of not giving proper attention to the things in my life that give me... (hahaha) joy.
So... I have spent the last three weeks working my 8 hour days; going home when it was time to go home; resting when it was time to rest; spending time with my neice and my boyfriend when it was time to give them my time; cleaning the bathroom and toilet; folding my laundry instead of letting it pile up and making my room look like a disaster zone; washing and vacuuming my car; giving out gifts from overseas; catching up with friends (even though sometimes they aren't always sober when this happens); riding my bike; enjoying the first few talks of the Singles of Christ CLP... doing the things I ENJOY... as opposed to giving every ounce of my energy to a job that neither demands nor deserves that type of sacrifice.
Faith is at its best when it can still exist in the real world - in the midst of real life. (Or... at least that's what I told Jane on Facebook)
The past few days I have struggled with the question: What makes a Christian lifestyle more rewarding than a normal one? Why live the Christian values and suffer being ridiculed or shunned for having these values when their are millions of people who either ignore or don't know of these values and seem to be enjoying their reckless lifestyles? Being a Christian doesn't shield me from being hurt, abused, depressed, broken, in dept or tempted. If anything the challenges become harder... so why choose it? Why live it?
I won't publish tonight's household answers here because I can't be bothered. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, however, because very few people can answer this one. A quarter of my country's population are "Catholics" (this according the latest census) but only a handful will stand up for values in the public sphere.
Is it fear of starting an argument?
Fear of losing the argument?
Fear of having the argument?
Fear of not knowing what to argue?
All of the above really.
Most, if not all, discussions (I prefer to use the euphemism - forgive me) need to be brought out into the light so that more than a handful of Catholics learn how to answer that questions I have been struggling with for the past few days.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
headache. lying on bed thinking why aren't i asleep. anniversaries can make one feel so completely inadequate sometimes. how come so many people got up one day and decided they wanted to get married. three hours of carpet time with Tanya and Dom is funny. all girls always mean "something's wrong" when they say "nothing's wrong". learn to love in the right language damn it! i miss italy. why can't boys be more thoughtful when it comes to planning ahead. parramatta lost the football on sunday - grrrr. bike riding is fun... my thighs got a good work out. at the rate my skin is tanning i will be black before summer even gets here. missing my high school friends. i hate shallow, drunken parties. so over everyone's sex addiction. pasta for lunch. pasta for dinner (might regret that tomorrow when i get to the loo). wish i could go back to the uni life. want to go on holidays with his famz... probably can't afford it. need to pay off my credit card & phone bill. never (and i do mean never) allow yourself a forty minute phone call when in italy... unless you are prepared to go without food and new clothing for at least two months. thinking about moving out but can't afford that either. wanna buy a house with me? sometimes... hugs and flowers don't suffice, and the hurt remains for a few extra days.
Monday, September 17, 2007
the following things are waaaay over-rated
- Working in the city
- Hot girls in skanky skirts
- Guys with the "messy bedroom hair" look.
- Getting mega drunk because they think it's oh-so-cool
Why:
Working in the city means travelling to the city, which usually means at least 2.5 hours of travel time every day... that's 12.5 hours of my week I'll spend sitting in a carriage day dreaming about what other things I could be doing with my life.
Girls who are already pretty shouldn't feel the need to show off their skin or reveal their boobs to whoever is already looking. Get some dignity people!
All those Australian Idol finalists who've spent two hours perfecting the "messy bedroom hair" obviously have no idea why the messy bedroom hair look is appealing. It's meant to look like you just woke up, got out of bed, and are looking sultry. If you look like you've spent two hours grooming yourself but STILL look like a lazy slob, you haven't pulled anything off.
Have some drinks and enjoy the night, but don't get $*%@faced just coz you think it's trendy. People who only like your company when you're off your nut are obviously not the best friends to keep around you.
** And no, I have NOT turned into a 65 year old lady who is angry at the world... I'm just over the crappy trends that are flooding the place just because of ridiculous insecurities.
- Hot girls in skanky skirts
- Guys with the "messy bedroom hair" look.
- Getting mega drunk because they think it's oh-so-cool
Why:
Working in the city means travelling to the city, which usually means at least 2.5 hours of travel time every day... that's 12.5 hours of my week I'll spend sitting in a carriage day dreaming about what other things I could be doing with my life.
Girls who are already pretty shouldn't feel the need to show off their skin or reveal their boobs to whoever is already looking. Get some dignity people!
All those Australian Idol finalists who've spent two hours perfecting the "messy bedroom hair" obviously have no idea why the messy bedroom hair look is appealing. It's meant to look like you just woke up, got out of bed, and are looking sultry. If you look like you've spent two hours grooming yourself but STILL look like a lazy slob, you haven't pulled anything off.
Have some drinks and enjoy the night, but don't get $*%@faced just coz you think it's trendy. People who only like your company when you're off your nut are obviously not the best friends to keep around you.
** And no, I have NOT turned into a 65 year old lady who is angry at the world... I'm just over the crappy trends that are flooding the place just because of ridiculous insecurities.
Friday, September 14, 2007
"For the sake of the joy that lay ahead of him, he endured the cross..." (Hebrews 12:2)
Can't say I'm much into delayed gratification - it's very anti-Generation Y. But this... well... this passage puts things within an entirely new perspective.
So... I'm back at work... and because I can't send 2,000 emails until AFTER office hours, I'm spending an extra half hour... perhaps 45 minutes... at work this Friday evening, "watching my computer screen" as Alexia termed it before leaving.
Thought I'd have a go at multi-tasking and BLOG... because you know, blogging is fun.
It's strange being back from the land of gelati and siestas. I was very excited after receiving my photo of Pope Benedict XVI shaking my hand... it's oh so very exciting seeing photos of him in newspapers and posters and realising that YES, I SPOKE TO HIM, AND YES, HE SMILED AT ME, AND YES HE RESPONDED TO MY LAME INTRODUCTION... hahaha...
I've Facebooked half of trip... realised I didn't take as many photos as I thought I could've, but took a hellavalot of videos (maybe I'll edit and YouTube them) to document the funnier moments (like the time got mauled by Italians in the plane of Montorso because everyone wanted a koala... I honestly can't believe how much Italian's luuurv koalas.)
I am thinking of what I need to achieve next week, and realise I am no where near achieving it, but it's best not to think in such a defeated way. Like... all those videos I'm meant to produce. I'm not convinced that it's in my capabilities... but hey... with God all things are possible right?
Can't say I'm much into delayed gratification - it's very anti-Generation Y. But this... well... this passage puts things within an entirely new perspective.
So... I'm back at work... and because I can't send 2,000 emails until AFTER office hours, I'm spending an extra half hour... perhaps 45 minutes... at work this Friday evening, "watching my computer screen" as Alexia termed it before leaving.
Thought I'd have a go at multi-tasking and BLOG... because you know, blogging is fun.
It's strange being back from the land of gelati and siestas. I was very excited after receiving my photo of Pope Benedict XVI shaking my hand... it's oh so very exciting seeing photos of him in newspapers and posters and realising that YES, I SPOKE TO HIM, AND YES, HE SMILED AT ME, AND YES HE RESPONDED TO MY LAME INTRODUCTION... hahaha...
I've Facebooked half of trip... realised I didn't take as many photos as I thought I could've, but took a hellavalot of videos (maybe I'll edit and YouTube them) to document the funnier moments (like the time got mauled by Italians in the plane of Montorso because everyone wanted a koala... I honestly can't believe how much Italian's luuurv koalas.)
I am thinking of what I need to achieve next week, and realise I am no where near achieving it, but it's best not to think in such a defeated way. Like... all those videos I'm meant to produce. I'm not convinced that it's in my capabilities... but hey... with God all things are possible right?
Friday, September 07, 2007
im stuck in frankfurt airport - and this keyboard is spinning me out. letters are all over the place. sucks being on the other side of the world and realising the plane that was meant to leave at 11.55pm last nyt is now only leaving now... which is about 4pm frankfurt time. i miss everyone and the last 24 hours have been the most testing hours of what has been an amazing but very tiring journey. i love u australia... and cant wait to share with u the greatness i found in italy, but perhaps more importantly, i cant wait to sleep in my own bed!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Italy makes my clothes shrink
Man... I seriously look like I'm in my second trimester of pregnancy. Italian meals are always, at a minimum, 3 courses. As a result, I have major feares about fitting into my maid of honour dress for 9th September.
Not that I'm complaining because I've never truly felt hungry during this entire time of travel ' we get so spoilt, and the food here is AWESOME. Haven't really come across anything that I don't like.
First course of pasta (had an awesome risotto in Siena yesterday), second course of meat and vegetables, then dessert. (Sometimes we get the antipesto first, then the pasta, then dessert - doesnt really matter, it's always great food).
Today I comfortably gobbled up plates of spaghetti, rosemary potatoes, salad, pork, plus a fruit salad, a nectarine, dates (that was all just dinner)... and to top it all off, Fr Christiano (our host in the diocese of Jesi) took us (Cimon,. Matt, Tim, Andrea, Fr T, Luc, Saad, and Mari) on a walk to city centre, where I discovered Italy's YUMMIEST gelati at about 1am.
Now I'm lying in bed, typing this on my phone, legs are tired, Cimon is probably fast asleep...
Bonne Note Italia!
Not that I'm complaining because I've never truly felt hungry during this entire time of travel ' we get so spoilt, and the food here is AWESOME. Haven't really come across anything that I don't like.
First course of pasta (had an awesome risotto in Siena yesterday), second course of meat and vegetables, then dessert. (Sometimes we get the antipesto first, then the pasta, then dessert - doesnt really matter, it's always great food).
Today I comfortably gobbled up plates of spaghetti, rosemary potatoes, salad, pork, plus a fruit salad, a nectarine, dates (that was all just dinner)... and to top it all off, Fr Christiano (our host in the diocese of Jesi) took us (Cimon,. Matt, Tim, Andrea, Fr T, Luc, Saad, and Mari) on a walk to city centre, where I discovered Italy's YUMMIEST gelati at about 1am.
Now I'm lying in bed, typing this on my phone, legs are tired, Cimon is probably fast asleep...
Bonne Note Italia!
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