right now

Honesty, the quality of being honest, is a value which can be defined in multiple ways. In the context of human communication, people are generally said to be honest when they tell the truth to the best of their knowledge and do not hide what they know or think. [From: www.answers.com]

Right now... My head is confused. My heart is also confused. My body is also confused. I keep saying "also" damn it.

Right now... I would rather be doing anything and everything else - anything and everything other than what I'm meant to be doing. Hahaha... like... jump on a bed in the Alessendro... run over some ancient ruins... jump into the sea... fly over the moon... give hugs... receive hugs... lie in the grass under the sun... count some stars... everything and anything except this assignment. I want to be in someone's arms right now. To receive a random phone call that it's all going to be ok. That everything that was said and done and experienced wasn't just a dream that I'm yearning for... but a tangible reality that is moving me to be better, braver and stronger.

Right now...why am I feeling so afraid? Because I am walking uncharted territory. Unmarked terrain. The page is blank. He's writing foreign words. Drawing abstract pictures. My brain can't process what my senses are signalling.

Right now... thinking about all those phone calls. All those minutes. All those laughs. All those could-have-been moments. All the times I wished I wasn't nervous. All the times I wish I could have said what I thought, what I meant, what I knew, what I felt... but didn't. All those prayers. All those smiles. All the things I keep analysing. All the squishy things in my feelings that make me want to throw up.

Right now... thinking back to when all this started. Wishing I could take my brain, and all its thoughts, daydreams, wishes, words, stories, memories, pictures and gibberish... and strain it under some luke-warm water into a compartmentalised sink made out of fairy floss and silver.

Right now... wanting some fairy floss; Krispy Kreme; creamy bacon and carbonary pasta; the truth; the patience; the inspiration and... the guy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA... (oh no) =|

Right now... Wondering where it all goes from here. Wondering if it'll actually go anywhere from here. Wondering who will read this and WILL throw up.

Today... I wanted to explode. It sucks because this enormous thing is happening in my life. Something that I've been praying about and praying for... The most beautiful thing is being able to share it and laugh about it with my family. With my close friends. With our close friends. The suckiest thing is not being able to share it and laugh about it with one of my best friends. Can't tell him why I'm smiling. Can't tell him why I'm giddy. Can't tell him why I feel like I'm walking on the rings of Saturn whenever I know someone thought about me. It really sucks. A lot.

Ok... I'm off to go throw up now.